Don't bug me!

Tonight's recipe - well, it involves my Holidays past. You see, I gained the usual 5 pounds during the holidays, so I'm having my low-cal soup, but it does have cheese! Recipe below, if needed. I'll be having it twice a week for a month or so :-)
Now, on to our drama, I mean, our show. Vamanos! Costa Rica awaits. It has jungles, rain forests, monkeys, and BUGS. And of course, drama and a shirtless Brad. Thanks for the money shots. He is on the boring side personality wise, but as Pitbull says "Damn, I'm hot".
Brad arrives in a helicopter, while we have to see the remaining Ashley say Costa Rica in her best Spanish accent. I'm not impressed.
The girls arrive at the hotel in an SUV being driven by, I think Michelle. Clearly, it can't be her, as I would expect her to drive them over a cliff.
Anyway, the girls check out their awesome villa. I am a bit jealous. A few years ago, I was going to visit Costa Rica with the boyfriend I had at the time. We never went, and clearly that didn't work out for me. And moving on....
Yeah, yeah, the place is nice and there is a volcano. And rain forests, and monkeys, and Brad. Oh, and Alli, don't look now, bugs. And is it just me, or does Michelle always wear that purple tank top?
The girls have a villa in the jungle.
Remaining Ashley declares the hot tub, pool and villa "organic". Hmm, I would think hot springs, a stream and a tent would be more organic, but who am I to know, since I never went to Costa Rica. Sigh. Gulp of wine.
Ah, and here is the first date card. They let him leave and then they pounce. Chantal O. gets the first date. Michelle begins to sharpen the knife set she found in the villa, and Alli tries not to cry. The rest jump up and down like cheerleaders.
The crew apparently takes the knifes away from Michelle as she then tells us the wants Chantal to be attacked by monkeys or apes. I mostly wonder why Michelle got so carried away with her eyebrow pencil.
Chantal then gets ready and packs her sh*t. Just in case. Wow. That is a pink suitcase. Very pink.

The date starts with a helicopter ride. Brad worries about Chantal's drama. I worry about the fact he can't see Michelle is crazy. As well when to use "I" vs. "me".
Back at the Villamonalogues, (get it???) Michelle cries to Emily about Chantal. And they lose audio. However, I can guess what she says - She's not right for him, he belongs to me, and the bitch and her pink suitcase need to go home.
Audio is restored, and we are back on the date. They arrive in a rain forest to go zip-lining. And guess what? It rains. And I notice Brad and Chantal remind me of the Florida gators. Just because of the orange and blue. Sorry for the sports reference, but it is my job/life. Back to the show, and it's summary time:
It rains. They zip line. It rains. They zip line. They make out. It rains.

Back at the Villamonalogues, the group date card arrives. Everyone is in, but Alli. So that means she gets her one on one, Britt is the queen of group dates, and Michelle hates group dates. I think she has mentioned that.

Back to Brad and Chantal. Dinner time date, and big surprise. It starts raining in the rain forest. They grab the wine and move indoors. Oh, and they go to his room. Brad is a rebel tonight. He tells us he's taking this woman and the rose elsewhere. I would have grabbed the bottle of wine, but I bet the production assistant has made sure his room is fully stocked. Oh, and the date rose, someone handed him that.

Michelle is glad that the rain has ruined his date. We all laugh at that because in 30 seconds Chantal is only wearing his shirt. Ha ha, Crazy Michelle. Ha ha.

Chantal - I like seeing this date being on the fly.
Brad - Oh, this is on the fly all right.
Me - Snort.
Summary again - They make out, she gets a rose.

Next up, group date, and Michelle's a crazy bitch. Well, at least she's consistent. And she hates group dates, and it's raining, in a rain forest. And she's pissed that Chantal came home, and in Brad's shirt. And in case we forgot - Brad is her man, not Chantal's.
So the group date is rappelling down a waterfall. Ha ha, Michelle, Ha ha. Now I'm consistent. Mean, but consistent.

Jackie is afraid of heights, more on that in a minute. Mostly, Michelle is pissed because they made a pact they would never rappel down anything else with anyone else. Uh, Michelle, go back and read your pact, it was RAPPEL DOWN THE SIDE OF A BUILDING. This is a waterfall, thus, is excluded. (insert your own ha ha, Michelle, ha ha)
Shawntal goes first, then the others, and then Jackie freaks out about the heights, and Michelle complains. I guess she forgot about her "fear" of heights.
Now, all the girls are at the bottom, except for Crazy Michelle. She hits him, she's angry. I hope he throws her off the cliff, but he doesn't. He tells her they are going to rappel together. The rest are jealous and I wonder why he can't see Michelle is a crazy bitch.
The group date moves to the after party, and of course, involves booze and bikinis. I know Emily is hot, but her bikini is ugly, Michelle talks dirty to us, obviously after a few drinks.

And the drama begins. Jackie gets the first one on one, and he's proud of her for rappelling, and then she says I wish you had rappelled down the waterfalll with me instead of Loony Tunes.

Back at Villamonalogues, Alli gets her one one one date card and it says "Meet me at the
alter". Chantal begins meltdown status.

Group date flash - Michelle says everyone should go home, and Emily is sweet.

Back to V.M. - There is a really big bug. Well, medium size. Chantal starts to shoo it outside, but Alli is freaking out, so she tosses it on her. So Alli is afraid of bugs. So much she screams like a banshee and drops her drink. Lucky for Brad, he's talking to Michelle, and she puts her claws in him and keeps him there. She begins her crazy babble, and we all seriously wonder if Brad just likes deranged women. She complains, whines, bitches, and then kisses him to shut him up when he questions her. At this point I wonder why he doesn't send her ass home, and then we get a shot of her ass and I'm reminded why.

The group date drama continues, Brad gets pissed and doesn't give anyone a rose. Michelle thought it was hers, so now she is really pissed. Peace out, Brad out.
Alli get sher sh*t packed and heads out on her one on one date. Brad arrives on a horse. Alli gets a miniature one. Okay, either I drank too much wine, or this is a boring date. You pick - summary.

They crawl in a cave. She shrieks, there are bugs and bats. and an alter. They have dinner, and it is awkward. They are having dinner on a lagoon, and their "island" starts sinking. Now if that isn't foreshadowing.... She tells him she could hang out with him all day, he gives her the "It's not you, it's me" speech. She cries. I drink more wine. Been there. Know the feeling. Sorry, Alli "I got junk in the trunk". She leaves and cries some more.

The baggage guy takes her luggage, and all the girls rejoice.
Brad goes back to his room to "brood" and Crazy Michelle shows up. I'll summarize at this point, as I am sick of her BS. She's glad Alli is gone, she's pissed Chantal is not, her braid is stupid, she's stupid, and Brad is stupid for not putting her on the first crazy train out of town.

Now, cocktail party time, only one of the girls is going home. Brad is stressed out, the girls are freaked out, and I'm drinking more wine. Hey, we all have our places in life.
Brad and Emily sit in a hammock decorated with Victoria Secret's pillows. They talk about her issues, and she's hot, so she'll be staying.

The rest of the girls wonder who gave Brad "grief". We all know it's Crazy Michelle. They all know it's Crazy Michelle. Brad is almost catching on and telling her she is scaring him. Too bad he picks her anyway. Sigh. Being hot gets you so much further than average. Trust me, I know.

Michelle - I don't know if I'm crazy...
Me and the rest of the world - YES.

Shawntal gets alone time with him, plays some version of the quiet game, I have never seen! (as I played with my sister, and surprisingly I won. And yes, I can tell you when, where and the details.)

Shawntal tells the rest of the chicks someone has been bugging the crap out of him and they figure out Michelle snuck off and talked to him, or one of the production assistants told them. Michelle realizes she's cold-busted and admits she saw him for 20 minutes when she snuck off. Michelle - But I don't run my mouth off about any of you.
Me - Uh, what about how you said Chantal wasn't right for him and all the others need to go home? Details, details, details.

Moving on, Chantal and her leopard dress tell Brad she has fallen in love with him. Oh, crap. There is not enough wine in the world for that.
Rose time. They go to: (oh, and Chantal already has one)

Remaining Ashley
Emily (no surprise there)
Brit (really?)
Shawntal (my 2nd favorite)
Crazy Michelle.....

Good bye to Jackie who had that long ago Pretty Woman date. Brad tells her she is wonderful, but see ya. She climbs into the SUV and avoids him helping her in. Not sure if that was intentional, but, hey, it's every little victory. She cries, he goes back to his harem. And now cheers, they are now on to Anguilla in the Caribbean.

Next week - more drama. YIPPEE! I have more wine. I'm ready.

Oh, and here is my soup recipe. Sautee white onions, green onions and mushrooms in olive oil. Heat up chicken broth. Mix togther, add grilled chicken, spanish rice, avocado and shredded cheese. Not the greatest, but not bad for low cal!

The epic battle that no one cares about....

Ah, another week of cat fights, tears, cheese and wine. Lucky for me, I only participate in the cheese and wine part! This week's cheese - tintern, a semi-soft Welsh cheese with chives and shallots. See the end of my blog for the grilled cheese sandwich. And my wine - a nice Petite Syrah. My guilty pleasure. Well deserved after the weekend I had. Wine and cheese makes everything better.

Now, for the show.

First date one on one date goes to Ashley H., the perky dentist. Oh, the other Ashley is perky too, just not right now since she didn't get the date. Brad tells us he has the most amazing night planned for Ashley. At this point, why can't they just say the production assistants set it all up? Ashley comes bounding down the stairs in a cute silver top, paired with a light yellow tu-tu looking skirt. Love the top, hate the skirt.
They arrive at their destination, which appears to be a dark, deserted road where he will kill her and dump her body. Oh wait, actually it's a carnival! And is it just me, or does anyone else find a deserted carnival a little creepy as well?
The run through the carnival and play games and ride rides. Good thing they held off on giving them booze until after the rides.
Back at the mansion, the girls bemoan their current lack of dates with Brad, but not lack of boobs. Group date card arrives. 8 girls are named, and Raichel is one of them and she whines about how big the group is. And wait! We aren't done. And the grand total comes to 15! I rub my hands together gleefully as I am sure this group date will contain drama, trust me it did not disappoint. Crazy Michelle then announces it's her birthday. This will be a repetitive theme throughout the date. Trust me.

Back at the creepy carnival of 2 people, Brad and Ashley take pictures and then make out. Finally it's dinner, drinking and discussing time. Is it just me, or is the Ashley's favorite word "okay" as much as the other Ashley likes "like". Likes like. HA HA. I crack myself up.
Anyway.... she then tells him her father is not part of her life, and he tells him about her dad. I'm actually very proud of Brad for opening up. They bond, it's kind of sweet. She gets the rose. They ride the Ferris wheel and make out.

We now move on to the drama of the group date. Oh the potential for meltdowns, drama and snippy remarks. The date is filming a PSA for giving blood. I figure it will star Twilight/Madison. Was anyone else disappointed she barely made the footage, even though her costume was a skin-tight black leather outfit? My theory - except for those fangs of hers, she must be really boring.

Back to the PSA, they have them do spoofs of telenovelas. Stacey gets to kiss him first. And then Emily does as they "fight" over him. They have to do the scene over and over. And Stacey continues to stick her tongue down Brad's throat as the other girls watch in horror. Uh, you know what you signed up for, right? At this point Melissa is the first one to let the wheels come off the bus, and busts into the scene and kisses Brad too. Not the right move.

Keltie pouts because she is dressed as a "butch". Yeah, the lumberjack look is not really be-fitting of the Rockettes dancer, which totally makes me giggle. I know, I'm a terrible person. No worries, I have wine to console myself.

And now to the birthday girl, Michelle. Wait, there's a birthday? I didn't realize that, I mean, she only told us 500 times. She spends the group date pouting about what a bummer her 30th birthday is being on a group date. Look, here's the funny things about birthdays, they tend to occur on the SAME DAY EVERY YEAR. As well, MOST people are aware of when it's coming up. So, next time, check your calendar and don't sign up for reality shows and plan your own f'n birthday party just like I do. They finally wrap up this shoot, I grab some more wine. And my potato soup is finally done. Damn, I can cook.
Crazy Michelle continues to whine. Brit shocks everyone in her 3-way scene by acting like she's a porn star, and Keltie continues to look butch. Michelle's, poor pitiful me routine works. But then again, the girl is hot. Her earrings are HUGE. She says kissing him will cause fireworks to go off. I'm hoping it's a light bulb in Brad's head alerting him she's crazy.

Anyway, the party moves to the Roosevelt club in LA. They get the rooftop. Not sure that crazy girls, booze, and a rooftop are a great idea.
Michelle continues to talk about her birthday. Someone shove some cake in that piehole of hers. And the drama unfolds. Melissa claims if she doesn't get any one on one time and feel the connection, she's leaving. She gets her one on one time, and doesn't leave! She tries to explain why she jumped in the scene, and says she's not crazy. I'm shocked she doesn't leave, almost as shocked as I am that my damn wine glass is empty again. Garcon! Oh, crap, I'm at home. BRB.
Crazy Michelle talks about how all the girls are trying to get up on her man. Once again, you saw the previous shows, right????? And I hate her necklace.

Now this is were it gets weird, or junior high-ish, take your pick. Raichel and Marissa corner Melissa to ask her if she told Brad she was considering leaving. Well, of course she didn't, because she DID get her one on one. Raichel pounces on that and calls her a liar. Both of them then plan on out all the cool insults they are going to write in every one's slam books. Melissa cries and Raichel stomps off. Chantal has watched the show and knows that all she has to do is sit back and wait. Those two will cancel each other out.

Jackie gets the next one on one date. The rest of the girls contemplate clawing her eyes out.

Now time for the group date rose, and Brad gives it to................. the birthday girl, and says she deserves it. Is it just me, or is Brad quick to give out those roses early in the date? Michelle is smug and the other girls are pissed. Hmm, where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, every other episode.

The date ends and the girls return to the house. Raichel goes on facebook and posts "OMG, Melissa is a liar, because she lied by OMISSION". Oh snap. Melissa responds with "I quit my job for this, and I'm really a nice girl". Melissa - life lesson #1 - never quit your job for a man.

Jackie gets her one on one date. They hit a spa at a ritzy hotel in Beverly Hills. He then takes her to a huge hotel room and it's filled with evening dresses. Talk about jealous, and yes, I mean me! And likely every other woman in the world. She gets her hair and make up done, and then from the looks of it, picks the worst dress of the bunch. Sigh. And girl, WHAT did they do to your hair? Anyway, they head to their date, at the Hollywood Bowl. Train is the entertainment. Glad I'm not on that date. I'm just not a Train fan. Sorry.
But before that, they have dinner, and she has a few concerns, and he's worried she's closed off. He gives her the rose anyway. They dance and make out.

So the cocktail party begins. YES! Booze and more drama. Let me refill as well. First thing, Crazy Michelle (who already has a rose) steals Brad away for some alone time and 2 important questions. Starbucks or the Coffee Bean? And what is always in your refrigerator? I scream Starbucks and BEER! Oh wait, she's not asking me. Really, are these your deal breakers? You have got to be kidding me. One, you have a rose and now all the girls are pissed at you. Two, you have a chance to ask him important questions and you need to know where the man gets his coffee and what is in his f'n fridge? My deal-breakers are smoking and they have to like animals. For Crazy Michelle, it's where to get latte, and apparently always having eggs. Wow. They both agree on Starbucks and eggs. A match made in heaven. Insert your own eye roll here.
I'm distracted by the thing on Keltie's head. Michelle tells a few of the girls her "important" questions. Emily thought she was kidding. Emily tells us she doesn't care where he gets his coffee. Emily continues to climb to the top of the list.
And now the epic battle that only Melissa and Raichel care about continues. Melissa tells Raichel she's rude and fake. Lindsay wants to crawl under the couch. Raichel tells Melissa to go away, and Melissa won't. So Raichel gives her the talk to the hand and says "I will not have you obstruct the rest of my life". Really? Do you have a sister in junior that gave you that line?
Once again, I get distracted by the thing on Keltie's head. The drama continues as Raichel tells the other girls what a bitch Melissa is. Ashley S. tries to to talk some sense into both of them. She actually sounded smart for a moment.
Melissa continues to cry. No one really cares. Raichel then brings religion into it. She says Jesus loves HER and she will stay because the Lord knows better. Seriously??? I think God has way better things to do than worry about who stays on a reality TV show.
Melissa tries to explain it to Brad, burying herself further. She tells him that Raichel is targeting her and calls her an "energy suck". Brad looks perplexed, but holds it in, and mentally targets her for the limo ride to the airport.
Brad then seeks out Raichel and she cries and tells him how horrible it has been, and how she's not normally like this. Brad hugs her, and puts an X on her too.
Then her comes Chris Harrison with a suprise. Roberto and Alli are here! WOOOOHOOO. (that was the girls in the house, not me)
Alli has finally lost those bad hair extensions.
They start "interviewing the girls" and we find out it's Michelle's birthday. Really? Like we didn't hear you the first 500 times!
Keltie gets her turn. Now I am not just distracted by the thing on her head, those feather earrings are troublesome for me too.
The epic battle that no one cares about continues. Melissa then gets her turn with Alli and Roberto and thinks that she will understand her plight. Melissa tells Alli she is just "that girl in the house that has been targeted this week". Melissa, Melissa, did you NOT watch Jake's show. You basically just said you were Vienna. Hey, speaking of Vienna, I bet she can get you a job at Hooter's after you get sent home. Roberto and Alli ask Chantal for the lowdown on the epic battle, and she lets them in on a secret we already know - both girls are idiots. Which I am sure they relay to Brad. They have the "power of the rose". They give the rose to Emily. And she continues to move up every one's list.
Rose ceremony time. Dentist Ashley, Michelle, Jackie and Emily already have roses. 3 girls are going home.
He chooses:
Chantal O. - not last this time
Sarah - Last week she knew her name, this week it's "Christmas"
Allie - self proclaimed J-Lo booty
Kimberly - blond (that's all I got)
Shawntel - Funeral director
Stacey - wicked awesome
Ashley S. - the new Tenley
Madison - Fangs, but boring
Lisa - step away from the tanning booth
Marissa - sports chick
Meaghan - self-proclaimed fashionista
Lindsey - the teacher from Dallas
Brit - I'm shy but I acted like a porn star today.

Going home, Keltie and her thing on head, and the 2 drama queens, Raichel and Melissa. Then Keltie tells us she is awkward and maybe she's just meant to be alone. Oh, I actually feel bad for her. Keltie, I'm sure there is some goofball of a guy out there for you. Then she loses me by claiming the show is her last ditch effort. Honey, we've all tried everything, you just have to get back up on the horse.

Melissa feels that the other girls pushed her over the edge. No, you went jumping off that cliff yourself.

Raichel and her huge ta-tas make it outside. They deserve better. I mean she does.

Previews for next week - more Crazy Michelle. Ashley/Tenley and Emily's story. And someone wants to go home.
Then the extra footage shows Keltie trying to rap. Please don't EVER do that again.

Now, for the kick ass grilled cheese sandwich. Use Tintern, a semi-soft welsh cheese. I also mixed a little softened butter and olive oil w/Italian seasoning and brushed on the outside of the bread. Then grill w/the flat plates. OMG. Best grilled cheese ever.

The Return of The Bachelor and Brad

Welcome back! More wine, cheese and Bachelor.

First up cheese. Ah cheese. How I love you, let me count the ways. Today, it's 3, since I'm using a 3 cheese blend for my panini. Grated asiago, fontina and manchego. Add prosciutto, avocado, put in ciabatta bread and grill.

Wine - cabernet sauvingon - Slydog cellars. I'm happy.

Now from the good stuff, to the better stuff. The Bachelor Recap.

We begin with the reminders of Brad's previous stint as the Bachelor 3 years ago. We all know, he dumped both girls. Since then, he has had therapy. He has daddy issues, trust issues and commitment issues. Well, had. He's cured, and ready for love. And we see plenty of shots of him without his shirt on. My feelings are NOT hurt over that!

Now time for a preview of some of the AMAZING women he will meet. I think amazing is Chris Harrison's favorite word.

Ashley H., the dancing dentist. Shawntel, the funeral director. Ashley S., southern girl living in New York, Chantal, appears to work her butt off and is divorced. And has a fluffball of a dog.
A new crazy Michelle - she's not there to make friends. Then Raichel, the manscaper, who seems to get way too much joy out of waxing men. Meghan who works in fashion, yet is wearing an ugly necklace. Madison, the model with fangs - enough said. Emily - sweet girl, sad story, sniff, sniff, pass the kleenex.

But before we can let the re-hash of his previous season die, let's bring out.... yep. DeAnna and Jenni. Well, that was uncomfortable. And how nice, both of them are so happy and in love. Jenni wins the shorter skirt contest, and DeAnna wins the most make-up contest. And after DeAnna takes the sanctimonious, well, bitch road, I find her annoying. Look, we've all been dumped before, and we all get pissed about it, but it happens. At this point, Brad and I are both glad he dumped her.

Now, seriously, enough about his therapy, previous show and DeAnna. Bring out the new set of crazies! I mean, lovely women.

Chantal O. - She slaps him. Well, that will get you remembered. (spoiler alert - he gets payback by picking her LAST at the rose ceremony)

Kimberly - blond who begins with the commitment questions.

Alli - Tells him America hates him, but she doesn't. Look, Alli, just remain focused on not popping out of your dress.

Ashley S. - The Southern Bell as a nanny in New York City. Hmm, do I smell an aspiring actress??? She also grabs his ass. Well, then.

Meghan - ridiculous pink shoes. He likes them. I hate them.

Marissa - She tells him she works, lives, breaths, follows, tracks and dreams sports. He says he loves her all ready. Note to self. That line could work for me. File for future use.

Lindsay - Teacher from Dallas.

Ashley H, the dancing dentist. I think she took a hit of the laughing gas before she left, a bit too bubbly for me.

Raichel - The manscaper. We met her earlier. She weirds me out.

Madison - Wow. Just wow. Fangs, really? You are know known as Twilight. As in the vampire series, or the Twilight Zone. Take your pick.

Melissa - Runs and leaps into his arms. I suspect she worked at the same Hooter's with Vienna.

Renee - A nanny from Chicago. Her Betty Boop voice is annoying. Please send her home, I can't listen to her.

Christy - The only one he doesn't hug - doesn't look good for her rose chances.

Jackie - An artist from New York. She asks for a pinky swear that he won't break her heart.

Sarah P. - She tells him to get down on his knee and tells him to ask her to marry him. Boo.

Lacey - Asks him if he was here for the right reason. That didn't go over well, if you ask me.

Lauren - A high school teacher. The bow on her dress reminds me of a Christmas present.

Lisa P. - Has on a bubble dress. Am I the only one who dislikes those dresses?

Shawntal - The undertaker.

Britnee waves her hand out of the window for him to come to her. That would work if she was smokin' hot. Sadly, she's not.

Stacey - Bartender from Boston. I think he likes her.

Jill - Tall girl from Texas.

Lisa M. - She's from Kansas, and has on red Dorothy shoes. She's from Kansas, and has on.. Yes, we get it.

Rebecca - What the hell is an esthietician? I google it. She gives facials. Okay. She gives him the "grandma told me, you have to kiss a lot of frogs" line and kisses him. I don't think that one is going to work either.

J - Uh, K? Oh, and it's her birthday.

Keltie - A Rockettes Dancer. Let's hope she's not like Roz and goes commando. I dislike her.

Sarah L. - Tells him she can't snap. Oh, snap.

Emily - Sniff, sniff. This season's Stephanie. But seems sweet and sincere, and I'm sure most guys will agree, easy on the eyes.

Britt - A chef. She brought him some food - we don't get to see what it is.

Crazy Michelle. She's thrilled to see him.

So the party begins, and instead of the usual drunken fest and "what are you looking for in a soulmate", every girl begins to panic, WHAT IF HE GETS TO THE END AND DUMPS BOTH GIRLS AGAIN. Look, ladies, it's like being on the first date with a guy and saying "Can you see yourself married to me". IT'S TOO SOON. You just met him, and use logic here. Why would he want to do the show a 2nd time if he wasn't looking for a different outcome?

Finally Brad calls everyone together and tells them he has had his therapy, and this is for real, and if you don't believe him, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. (Which later we find out Alli has the best chance of a door hitting her ass when she points out her caboose)

Back on topic, no one leaves. I mean, the man is hot. Would I leave? Would you? Nope. Well, unless you are a dude, but then we are going to assume you weren't there anyway.

So Brad clears that up, and yet are several still panicking. At this point, I down another glass of wine and long for the return of the pointless questions and answers of "What are you looking for in a soulmate" and the answer "I want someone who likes to travels and REALLY gets me. I mean REALLY". The commitment questions continue. I drink more wine.

Now, it's Ashley S and her like, like, like, like, like, like, like. She like wants to be his friend first. And from that, she gets the first impression rose. Really? She might be the new Tenley. Barf.

Raichel then waxes his wrists. Then they have a discussion about manscaping. And at that point, we get the quote of the night "We like to call it the undercarriage." And now I don't know if I ever can hear the words bat wings again without giggling.

Jackie sings for him. She shouldn't have. Not sure what I hate the most, her singing, her made up song, or her laugh.

Alli talks about her J. Lo booty and says she was once dumped for too much junk in the trunk. I'm not sure I'd use that for my opening line, but (spoiler alert) it apparently worked, as he gives her a rose.

Poor Renee, she tries to get alone time with him 3 times and he gets taken after :30. Look, if he doesn't tell the other girl, wait a few minutes, well...... Hmm. What's that saying I'm looking for - oh yeah, he's just not that into you. Don't worry, it happens to all of us at some point.

Stacey is the last one to steal him from Renee. But she's wicked sorry. So, I guess that makes it okay.

Emily gets her alone time, which no one interrupts. She's a coal miner daughter from West Virginia.

Brad has a conversation with Madison/Twilight. He's a little weirded about the teeth. She plays coy if the teeth are real or not. He calls her out on if she's serious or not. She insists she is. Then he tells her the fangs are really hot. WHAT?

Michelle gets a few minutes with him, but unlike the Original Crazy Michelle, she keeps the crazy under control in front of Brad.
Brad then gives the first impression rose to Ashley S. - I bet she says "like".

Ding ding. Chris Harrison says it's time and leads Brad back to the "contemplation" room. Where he decides who gets a rose and who gets a box of kleenex and a limo ride back to the airport.

He picks:

Michelle - YES! Crazy Michelle lives on.

Kimberly - Very pretty blond.

Madison/Twilight - seriously?

Emily - I put her down as a frontrunner.

Raichel - Guess he likes hot wax.

Keltie - She acts like a 7 year old girl. Sigh, another new Tenley.

Ashley H. - the giggly dentist.

Meghan - Ridiculous pink shoes.

Lisa M.- Ridiculous red shoes.

Lindsey - Seems normal, she goes on the frontrunner list.

Alli - Baby got back! Hey, she started it.

Sarah P. - She announces "that's me". Well, glad you know your name.

Marissa - Sports chick.

Britt - The chef.

Stacey - Wicked bartender.

Shawntal N. - That's one yellow dress.

Jackie - Hey, another yellow dress. Maybe he color coded his picks.

Michelle - Everyone needs a Hooter's girl.

Chantal O. - The girl who slapped him.

All roses have been given out. It's time for fake hugs, kleenex, awkward good-byes and tears.

The group toasts to the upcoming season, and we are treated to previews. Oh, yes, bring on the cat fights, hot tubs, booze, craziness and beautiful locations. And I believe AMAZING is the word for the season.

The Bachelor Pad - Rules for the Finale

Since tonight is the Bachelor Pad Finale, and we won't have the Bachelor until January, I decided to look back over my recipes, pick 2 cheeses and recipes and have the "Battle of the Cheeses".
In this corner - Camembert, a French Cheese.
In the opposite corner - Asiago, an Italian Cheese.
So of course, if we have 2 cheeses, you guessed it 2 wines, one French, one Italian. Hey, it's only fair! Bordeaux (Mouton Cadet), and Toscana (Villa Antinori).
I will be making my previous recipes with these cheeses and will post at the end of my recap. I will, of course, be the judge. However, my boyfriend is going to participate as a taster, and well, I will attempt to take his opinion into account.
So for my hard core party girls. (no need to name names, LeAnn and Leah Mae know who they are. Oops) Drink if someone says "I just want to win the money". Don't be afraid to kiss the cup, girls.

Cat fight, kissing and coupledom

First off, sorry this is late. I actually went to a "Bachelor Pad" Party. Wine and cheese was abound. Thanks for hosting LeAnn. It was awesome! We drank, we ate, we drank, we giggled, we watched the show, we called Natalie a whore, we almost had a "clothing casualty" and then we drank some more. So, now you can see how this is late, and will likely be short and sweet!
This week's cheese - brie. I made a fantastic baked brie. Check out the end for the recipe.

Now, on to the show. The group returns to the house after voting out DB Craig and Jessie. No one cares about Jessie. Gia immediately calls out Nikki for changing her vote. Then Gia tells the entire group what their strategy was. I question her strategy of telling everyone her strategy. You with me? Claws are sharpened, the guys get a beer and wait for the chick fight. Sadly, only tears. It becomes the couples against the non-couples.

Wes announces "Y'all would vote me off before Kipton or Kovacs. It's pure science."
Me - Actually it's math. You see, the votes are COUNTED.

Competition time. Kissing contest. Well, this should be interesting. Kind of gross, but interesting. Gia melts down and cries. She wants the rose, but she has a boyfriend at home. Oh, the dilema.

Natalie - "I'd kiss everyone in the house fro $20".
Me - Including that creppy producer they show on the behind the scene shows. We know. Natalie, you have a very long list of things you'd do for $20.

Gia whines some more. Jesse looks hot. Gia whines. Natalie gives her advice, which is basically, suck it up, and suck some face.

The chicks are blindfolded and brought out one by one. Elizabeth is the first one they kiss. Kovacs says he doesn't care, hey, it's all about the money. Elizabeth puts on a show with lots of moans and groans. Of course she votes for Kovacs.

Okay, we get it, move the line.
Ashley then takes herself out of the competition because she's a teacher. She doesn't want to lose the respect of her students. Hmmm, going on the show in the first place likely took care of that.
Natalie is up next. Let's see, she's made at with at least half of them all ready. This is just another day at the whore house for her.

Then it's Tenley. And she giggled. And giggled. Hey, was she drinking wine with me and my friends? No, she's just an idiot. Oh, how cute, she liked Kipton. Oh, their first kiss. Cartoon hearts exploded from her head.

Last, it's Gia.
Wes - She has big beautiful lips to kiss.
Me - Yes, that's called collagen.
Gia whines some more, and it's now time to find out which girl kisses the best. Well, we know Natalie has had the most practice. My money is on her.

Tenley ditches her Disney Princess title and sticks her tongue down Jesse B.'s throat.
Gia cries again and only gives sweet little kisses. And she cries some more and talks about how everyone turns into a porn star. Shut up. She drops out, goes back to her bunk bed and cries some more.

Ah, now they all have to kiss the weatherman. He almost wets his pants. Elizabeth gave him a rub down while she was at it.

Wes is last. He mentions the sloppy seconds aspect. Yep, you got punked having to go last.
He says "Going in for the kill, on the attack, doesn't turn me on. Unless I'm absolutely hammered".
Me - Okay, nice and sweet if he's not drunk, stick my tongue down his throat if he is. Got it.

The votes are tallied, with math, not science, as I mentioned earlier.
Dave wins for the guys, and in an upset on the girls side, Peyton wins. See Natalie, sometimes being a lady, oh, never mind.

Dave - "I'm a passionate kisser, I'm a passionate lover"
Me - Obviously you did attend those anger management classes after Jillian's season.
Peyton - "I'm so excited!"
Me - Watch out Natalie will either kill you, or try and kiss you to get some tips.
Date card arrives and Tenley sings and dances. I want to barf. David reads his card, and it's Vegas, baby!
Natalie - "I want this date, Dave and I have a history."
Me - And since Jesse B. dumped you, no reason to let any dust settle. Get back on that horse.
Dave chooses Nikki, Krisily and the whore. I mean, Natalie.
Natalie - "I have a wild streak and I'll do anything to get the rose."
Me - We know. You're a fun-loving whore.
Dave is thinking strategy. With both heads. He needs Krisily and Nikki's votes. And he knows he can score with Natalie. 2 birds, 1 stone. Boo-Yah!

The couples talk strategy. Gia's ass is on the chopping block.
Gia and Wes talk. He continues to lay it on thick. He's considering leaving the Insiders for the Outsiders.
The group arrives in Vegas and have a private pool party. And it's a topless pool. This won't be a spoiler, we all know Natalie will be naked in two drinks.
Krisily has some alone time with Dave. They discuss that they kissed everyone. Krisily is upstaged by Natalie. She is running through the around the pool, and Dave follows her like an ADD kid following shiny objects. Speaking of shiny objects, yep. Natalie didn't disappoint and threw that top right off.
They have a group hug. The other girls are creeped out by her boobs, and so are the rest of us.

Back at the mansion, Peyton's date card arrives. Gentlemen, start your engines.
Peyton picks Kovacs.
Elizabeth smiles sweetly and plots clawing her eyes out.
Peyton picks Kipton.
Tenley's cartoon hearts that flutter around her immediately break.
Tenley - "I think it's strange the Peyton is picking all the guys that are in relationships."
Me - Suck it up, Disney. This is what the game is all about.
Peyton picks Jesse B. Hell yeah. He's HOT, HOT, HOT.

Back to Vegas. Time for Dave to give a rose. He picks the sure thing and gives the rose to Natalie. They get rid of the 2 other girls, and get busy. I mean BUSY. Hey, Natalie, with all the notches you keep putting on your bedpost, you might have to get a new bedpost soon. I'd get a new bed too, while you are at it, those springs are probably worn down. I'm just sayin'.
Dave and the whore return. Natalie says they are a couple and it's their strategy to keep that under wraps. Dave just doesn't want anyone to know he banged the town whore.

Speaking of "secret" couples, Tenley sneaks into Kipton's bed. He politely tells her to get out. She cries. I don't.
Date #2 starts. They drag race cars. Seems kind of repetitive. But they seem to be having fun. Peyton is still unsure of who to pick. Uh, Jesse B. YES, YES, YES.
Kipton tells Peyton that he and Tenley are not a couple. He then tells the camera that is a complete lie. Oh, the web of deceit....

Back at the mansion, Elizabeth begins delve into her crazy and stress about the date that Kovacs is on.
Peyton talks strategy with Kovacs, but she refrains from flirting with him. She's no dummy, she knows crazy Elizabeth is still at the mansion.
Now on to alone time with the hottest boy there. Jesse B. Again, she proves she's no dummy and gives him the rose and takes him back the fantasy suite. YOU GO GIRL.
Peyton - "Jesse B is so comforting and warm."
Me - Uh no, the word you are looking for is HOT.

Back at the mansion, the couples begin to crack. Kovacs blames Elizabeth for ruining the competition for him. He whines and bitches about it. Elizabeth tells him he better kiss her ass or he'll be out. He leaves his balls with her and whines some more.

Wes and Gia are flirting. So much for that boyfriend thing. He brings out that stupid guitar. Then they snuggle up in one of the beds in the co-ed dorm. Okay, wait a minute. You weren't okay for the kissing competition, but now you'll snuggle up with Wes...... Okey-dokey.

Peyton and Jesse B. had a good time. Wes still has the hots for Gia.

Scrambling starts. Summary - You vote for X. Who are you voting for? Who should I vote for? Wes works his ass off to vote off Elizabeth and keep Gia.
However, his plan fails and Gia goes home. Now, I wonder if Gia really feels stupid for f'n up last week and NOT giving DB Craig the date rose.

It's a tie between Gia and Elizabeth. Dave is the "tie-breaker" since he won the competition. He sends Gia home. Crazy Elizabeth lives on another week. Kovacs pretends to be relieved.

Oh, and the girls vote out the Weatherman.

Gia and Wes spend one last tender moment and she says "I love you". Okay, is that boyfriend going to be pissed or what!
Weatherman rambles on his way out. We don't really care. His 15 minutes is up.

Gia cries on her ride home, and Wes pouts. All he needed was another week, and she would dumped her boyfriend. Don't worry, he'll be dumping her after he sees the footage.

Next week - Previews show a "slam book" session. Oh, snap.

Okay, my baked brie. Make a package of bacon. Saute green onions and mushrooms in red wine. Use a puff pastry sheet. Place the brie in the middle, top with onions, mushrooms, and bacon. Fold over and bake. DELISH!

Let Them Eat Pie

Oh Cotswold Cheese. How I love you. It's an English double Gloucester with chives. I used it to make cheese muffins. The only thing with the muffins, should have used more cheese. I should have known you can never use too much cheese. This cheese is great with crackers or in the muffins, paired with an Australian Shiraz..... excellent! The Shiraz was from Australia, called Jacob's Creek. Lots of plum and pepper spice tastes. I will be drinking this one again. Likely once I'm done writing my blog. But anyway..... And as always, comments are welcome!

Now, on to the goodness/badness of The Bachelor Pad. I almost had to title it "The Outies vs. Innies". Except it's not about belly buttons, people. It's about the "cool" kids vs. the "nerds". Then again, maybe it is about belly buttons, considering all the gratuitous bathing suit shots..... Hey, I have an innie. I wonder if that makes me one of the cool kids. Oh, probably not.

We start with our usual recap/preview. Summary - Tenley is a crybaby. Elizabeth is crazy. The Weatherman is annoying, Dave is angry, Natalie and Jesse have a little thing going, who can you trust, and there are tons of hot bodies. And it's the Insiders vs. Outsiders. Plus, Wes and Gia?
We start with everyone that didn't get voted off returning to the house. Jesse K. and Elizabeth talk. He knows he came "this close" to getting voted off. It's time for him to rethink his strategy. Uh, yeah, he tried to cross a crazy girl and you about got your "a-hem" chopped off. Sleep with a light on. Trust me.
Natalie and Jesse B. continue their make out sessions. She giggles, he looks hot. They make out some more.

Strategy talk continues. Inside, outside. Outspoken girls, cutsie girls. Reunion trips, non-reunion trips. It's all too much!

Out of the gate, competition time. It's a pie eating contest. Oh, the set up for the jokes, it's just too easy! American Pie, eating pie, face first in a pie..... I could go on, but you get the point. On another note, we all know these girls have never eaten pie in their entire size 2 lives. And of course, they all tell us how they "don't like pie". Snort. Another joke, too easy. Insert your own here.

The girls go first. Krisily declines the invitation as she can't eat a lot of fat due to a lack of a gall bladder. Oh, I thought it was due to squeezing into a size 2 bikini. And Krisily cries. Which surprised me, she didn't seem like a crier.

The girls go face down first. I mean, start eating their pies. I mean, oh shit. Well. That's what I have to work with. Tenley starts crying. The throwing up begins.
Dave: We see all the girls holding each other's hair, barfing. You don't see that every day.
Me: Uh, it's called a frat party.
Gia is in the lead. Wes is encouraging her. He keeps telling her come on, baby. That joke is too easy too. It comes down to Gia vs. Tenley.
Gia wins. Tenley cries, and they both go purge.

Now it's time for the boys to eat pie. Snort. Again, too easy. The weatherman worries because he's one of the smaller guys. Dave tells us he eats 6 meals a day. All I can think about is Cartman from South Park screeching "Get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie."
All the guys have a seat and the contest begins. (I had another joke for that, but I decided to censor myself. You're welcome.)
The pie beats down the testosterone. Craig decides to stick his head in the pie. Dude, it's not conditioner.
Weatherman's dorky little ass KNOWS how to eat some pie. Wes and Kipton are right behind him. But just in the pie eating contest.......
The weatherman licks the last of the crumbs, and celebrates, by eating a piece of Kipton's pie.
Dave "He's good at eating pie. He's got that going for him".
Me - Snort.

With Gia and the Weatherman as our winners, they get together to discuss their strategy. More discussion of insiders/outsiders.
Here comes the date card. Weatherman picks Gwen, Peyton, and Ashley.
Krisily is pissed. The "insider guys" worry the Weatherman smarter than he looks. He's not.

On to the date. Let me sum this up, worst date ever. The roll around in paint. The only "good" part of this was the Weatherman - Part II in a speedo. He must of had some major counseling, as he was so over his insecurities issue. And in case I haven't said this, worst date ever.

Back at the house, the popular kids are living it up at the pool. The rest are back in the house plotting their coup d'etat. Hey, they are the nerdy kids. They know what coup d'etat means!

Thankfully, the artistic part of the date is over. Time for dinner and cocktails. The weatherman talks with Peyton, and they talk about getting Kipton out, and says he has Gia on board. Peyton is down with that plan, she's just glad he didn't try and kiss her.
Next, same conversation, different girl. It's Ashley's turn. She frets about crossing Elizabeth and Tenley. I mean, we all know what happens when you cross the popular girls.
Now Gwen and the Weatherman talk. He seems to have a crush on her. She laughs, pats his head and continues her strategy of flying under the radar. They bond over their love of Italy.
The weatherman gives her the rose. Peyton giggles and Ashley is pissed. Gwen takes the rose and then tells the camera, she and the weatherman, not gonna happen, not in a million years. Oh, poor, clueless weatherman.
Gia counsels the Weatherman and informs him that Ashely is an impostor! And that he should have taken Krisily. She also extols Craig's virtues, it's time for enemies to become frenemies.

Now it's Gia's date night. She "proves" how much smarter she is than everyone else. She picks Wes, Craig and then pretends to draw from names and picks Jesse B. Except she put Jesse's name on all the draws. She's going to convince Jesse he needs to vote with them. I wonder why she's wearing that ridiculous 70's/indian/workout headband.
Their date is a circus tent. No, really. It is. What the hell is the point here? Between this and the painting date, they need to get some new ideas.
Gia takes Craig aside and promises him the rose. He grins like a Cheshire cat. His hair does too. She tells him he and the weatherman have to be part of the crew.
Jesse B. now has his alone time with Gia. Now they are painting each other with henna. WTH? She brings him into their alliance. Jesse tells Gia he will be dropping Natalie on her ass.

Back at the house:
Elizabeth to Kovacs: "I'm a dumb, smart girl".
They get busy. I mean REAL busy. Kovacs realizes she's a loose cannon. But in the meantime.... bawww-chicka-wow-wow.

Back to the date, Wes turns on the Texas Charm.
Wes: "I'm this manly, rugged Texas boy". He completely distracts and derails Gia's brilliant plan and snatches the rose right out of Mr. Canada's hands. That is one smooth guy. He lays the compliments on thick, and Gia falls right into his hands. Oh, does he mean this, or is it part of his "game"? This TOTALLY f's up the "outsiders" game. And blows Gia's own plan to hell. How dumb was that?

Jesse S. plays the game and puts the move on Dave. She rats out The Outsiders. She says she'll stay on their side, but be a spy...... oh, and did I mention that she was whispering all this in his ear while in a hot tub in an itty-bitty bikini? Yeah, Dave didn't either.

Krisily spots Jesse S. making out with Angry Dave. She realizes that Jesse is playing both sides of the fence, and immediately tells Kipton. Not sure why she picked Kipton. Oh wait, because Krisily is now playing both sides of the fence. Careful! Krisily also says Jesse is about "hurting people". Or maybe it's about the money, just like everyone else.

Now Hot Jesse is now wavering. He begins to express interest in Gia. "She's the girlfriend type, Natalie really isn't". So, Gia is the girl you will take home to momma, and Natalie is the girl you just take home. For the night. So he decides to dump her. And Natalie cries. Before the rose ceremony. Not sure that was the best idea, remember when Kovacs made Elizabeth cry? He almost got his ass kicked out of the house..... Natalie admits she also used to have the hots for Kovacs. (Code she slept w/him too). Natalie then says she's going to refocus on the money, and sets out to find a new guy to make out with.

All the planning starts. The outsiders plan on voting Kipton, the insiders, Craig. For the girls side, it's between Krisily and Jesse S.

What in the hell is Chris Harrison wearing? Shirt and tie do NOT match. Someone get wardrobe. NOW. Craig M. sports his Miami Vice look, and uh, why is Natalie wearing a pink tu-tu???
Elizabeth points out that Tenley and Kipton have a thing going. Tenley then immediately says that it's not quite the same. I mean, she's a good girl, and don't expect her to be going from the waltz to the tango in 1 day....... Tenley cries, and I drink more wine. This girl just annoys the crap out of me, but then I have Natalie's pink tu-tu to distract me. More 8th grade girls arguing, so and so said this, so and so said that.......

Voting begins. And then the Insiders realize they are in deep doo-doo. Kipton goes to Nikki and tries to sway her to their side. Dave tries to keep his hot tub hottie, Jesse S. around. Some of the girls cry. None of the guys do. Why is it the girls cry over voting one of the guys out, and the guys are like "don't let the door hit your ass on the way out"? I'm just sayin'.

One tactic works, the other doesn't. Nikki flips at the last minute and sends Craig and his pie-conditioned hair home. Tattle tale extraordinaire Jesse S. is sent home. Sorry, hon, that's what you get for making out with Dave in the hot tub.

Previews for next week - Natalie kissing everyone for $20. Wes and his stupid guitar. Gia cheating on her boyfriend, more crying, Natalie topless.... and the train wreck continues! See you next week.

Two men, a girl, and the color yellow

First, let's start with tonight's cheese. Camembert. And oooooh, the recipe I made with it. I mean, someone should marry me for this. I have other reasons too, smart, pretty, kind to animals, but this, this was a cheesy dish of heavenly bliss. You'll love me for it, Hell, I love myself for it!

The recipe will be at the bottom, you need the cheese, crescent rolls, mushrooms, butter, green onions, and bacon. Yummmmm. Bacon makes everything better. And the recommended wine, Pinot Noir went perfect!

Okay, on to the show...........
We start with our usual recap, beginning with meeting 25 handsome men. We see good dates, we see bad dates, we see crazy dates, we see cheesy dates, we see Justin and his girlfriend drama, Frank and his Frankespearan drama. It was a mid-summer's nightmare....well, this Juliet didn't drink the poison, and she certainly didn't fall on his sword (cause he bailed before the fantasy suite date). Hey, wasn't Romeo in love with someone else at the beginning of his play too??? Okay, let's move on from my limited knowledge of Shakespearean plays. (My drama teacher, Ms. Henry might be a little disappointed.)

On to the remaining 2 guys, Dinero-Roberto, and Cape Cod Chris. Time for them to meet the parental units in Bora Bora (yeah, I haven't used the phrase parental units since college, deal with it).

Now Ali takes a look back. She has had, wait for it..... an AMAZING time. Wearing her yellow, dealing with a two-timing, no, three-timing wrestler, more Frankespearen drama. However, I think her toughest challenge was Kasey, the crazy train. I mean, how did she NOT laugh in his face when he said "Jump in, stay awhile". Wait, she did laugh at that.

Roberto is first up to meet the family. He brings the required present. They never open it, who cares, he's Roberto! So it's Ali's Dad, mom, brother and sister. The brother and mom have on matching blues. Which distracts me. But I get back on track when the dad asked Roberto his favorite baseball team and Ali says "The Tiempa Blue Rays". Or maybe she meant blu-rays. Sigh. It is Tampa Bay. And they started as The Devil Rays, and are now just the Rays. After seeing how she held a bat, I'm not sure why I expected better.

Anyway, Roberto giggles, corrects her, and then her sister and brother drag him outside to have a "chat" with him. Ali tells her parents "he calms her down".
Me - Uh, can he make you stop with that stupid giggle of yours?
So mom has her chat with Roberto, she tells him the usual BS and says a sentence to him in Spanish. She she believes his heart is pure. Uh, you did not see them in the fantasy suite. I would NOT call that pure. HOT, yes. Pure, no.

Now it's Dad's turn. He asks about how Roberto feels about Ali. He hits a homer. Back when Roberto's dad asked Ali how she felt, well, she bunted. Ali, a bunt is... oh, forget it.

Ali's Dad gives his blessing. Of course he does. Who would turn down Rico Suave???
Now it's time to teach everyone how to salsa dance - Bailamos....let the rhythm take you over, bailamos....
Roberto gets ready to leave. The family loves him, he loves them, we all love each other... except for me and the construction crew outside my house working on the street when I am trying to sleep in. But that's another story.

Now it's time for Cape Cod Chris to meet the family. I bet the first thing she tells them his is from Massachusetts. (He has a basket of fruit for the gift, I would go w/wine)
Yep, I win that bet. They ask if he's from the East part or West part. I bemoan my lack of knowledge of geography, while I think, is Massachusetts big enough to have division between east and west? Sorry, but if you say West Texas, or East Texas, well, that could be an entire day apart, not, oh, say 20 minutes.

But back to our story. Obviously Ali never gave them the forewarning that his mother died, and Ali's poor mom stepped right in it. However, we then learn the following -
Chris's mom was a nurse. Ali's mom was a nurse. His dad used to teach. Ali's sister teaches, Ali's dad used to teach and Chris was high school teacher. So now we have teachers and nurses. So, one could get sick and learn geography. Perfect.
We hear the word "amazing" for the 100th time. I take another hit off my bottle of wine.

Another coincidence is Chris's dad grew up in Montreal, Ali's dad was born there. Hey, I went to Canada once too... Yes, Canadians, I know, it's a big country, blah, blah. It's still Canada.

Then they have a tearjerker conversation about his mom. Sniff. Glad I have Kleenex.
Now time for the conversations. Brother and sister get to go first. Her brother finally says one sentence. I was beginning to think the Phantom had returned. But this guy isn't as cool, and does not strike me as "stealthy" but the sister must have told him to keep his mouth shut. Is Stealthy even a word?
Chris rambles on to the sister and mute brother, the sister loves him. The brother is distracted by shiny objects.

Chris says "wicked amazing" and then goes out for the required dad talk. Summary - it goes as expected. Are you sure love her, yes, I want to marry her. Blah, Blah. I'm really not listening after the speech he gave to the sister and mute brother. I heard you the first time.

From there, they all put in their bathing suits and dive into the water. Lame.
They talk about how they both are from Massachusetts, and I really wonder how the hell they haven't met before, I mean isn't that state REALLY small? Yeah, yeah, I know, they have Boston.

Now it's the time for Ali to discuss both guys with the family. Rico Suave seems to have scored more points. The sister speaks for her and the brother again. He tries to talk, but she cuts him off, and takes over. The brother wonders if he should eat the fruit from the basket. But he's not sure if the sister will yell at him or not. They aren't very helpful as they come to the conclusion that both guys love her and both guys are great.

Now it's time for the down and dirty dates, I mean the ones that don't have the family around. Here she comes in yellow again. Is anyone else sick of her wearing yellow? They make out.
They jet ski.
Ali tells the camera "I really like to get on machines and go really fast.
Me - Snort.

Then they jump in the water with sting rays. He hopes it is safe. Uh, think, did ABC make you sign a waiver regarding sting rays? If, not you are good.
After frolicking and shrieking among the sting rays, they picnic on a beach, then it rains and they run out into the ocean. Good thing there wasn't any lightning. Just sayin', that would not have been safe!

Back at the hotel, Roberto lights the 100 candles the interns put out. Moves the champagne front and center. She arrives, and of course says, amazing.
Ali - "Before me, what was your type of girl?"
Roberto - "Not sure I have a type, I mean, they all chase after me, and I just pick one".
Me - Obviously sports knowledge is not a factor.
She tells him he is not her type, because he's too hot for her. We all agree with that. However, they both think each the other is AMAZING and they make out. He gives her a present. I'm sure an intern made it, and then he signed it. He reads it to her. She giggles. We all take a collective drink. He is soooo Dinero.

Now Chris gets ready for his date. His shirt doesn't match his shorts. He says he can't wait to hear her laugh. Really? It annoys the crap out of me, but I think I've mentioned that. He tells the camera how in love he is with her. Every woman watching hopes he is the next Bachelor.

Ali arrives. Tells him it has been a crazy week. She sits down for a serious talk. I don't see this ending well. She starts with how wonderful he is. Um, But. Oh, we've all seen it before, and know what's coming. She gently dumps him. She's such a rule-breaker. Chris is heart broken. Single women in the Northeast United States start googling his address. He thanks her for being honest. They cry and hug. She leaves and wanders down to the beach to contemplate serious things. Like OMG, should I have my bridesmaids wear yellow at my Robert-o wedding-o?

Then a beautiful rainbow arrives. It's Chris's mom telling him everything is going to be okay. It is a beautiful rainbow, and I don't have the heart to make fun of that.

Anyway, Chris cries over his lack of fashion sense, and packs his stuff and leaves on a boat. Is it just me, or have we seen a whole lot of comings and goings ON A BOAT?

Now Ali prepares for the final rose ceremony. She is sure of Roberto, she's not sure why he'd pick her, but she sure hopes he does. We aren't sure either, but he is now meeting with the diamond man. So apparently he is sure too. I will say I like their chances more than Jake and Vienna's. He picks out a ring, and wow, that ring is beautiful. I'm guessing he doesn't have to pay for it either, and that can't hurt. We get to see Roberto getting ready, including a shot of him in the shower. Now, what woman did NOT hit the pause/rewind a couple of times on that scene?

Ali gets dressed up, in shocker, a YELLOW evening gown. Roberto has on a suit and tie. Hey, who is the guy that helped Ali get dressed?

So here comes Roberto, ON A BOAT. She's nervous. He's sweating. Probably because he's wearing a suit, and has to walk up hundreds of stairs to get there.
He then tells her how he feels, she is dying to tell him she all ready sent Chris home. As much as Ali annoys me, even I had to say "aaawwwwww" after his speech. She kisses him, and I'm sure he has seen his rose sitting there. She finally gets to tell him that Cape Cod Chris is back in Cape Cod.

Summary - they are in love. And he asks her to marry him. She says yes. Again, Awwwwww. It's a fairy tale. Oh, and the sound editors added in Can You feel the love and we remember him in the Lion King.

Speaking of fairy tales, let me tell you about my recipe. Let's call them Delicious Cheesy Puffs.

Lay out the crescent rolls, but leave in the rectangular shape and press the seam together. Put in a piece of the Camembert cheese. Top with mushrooms sauteed in a little butter. Top with bacon pieces and green onions. Bake. Oh, snap.
One more tip - trust you crescent roll. I probably could have added more bacon and mushrooms but was worried about it holding it all in. Just be careful with the green onions. The cheese is very mild, and the onions make a fantastic opposite taste, but if you use too much of the green onions, it will over power the cheese.
The wine - 2007 Pinot Noir (label Chevriot). Very fruity, hint of cheery. Went PERFECT with this cheese. Also, if you don't feel like cooking, this cheese needs to be served room temperature - like Brie.

Hope you enjoy the recipe and my blog!
See you for the Bachelor Pad.

Wine, Cheese and the Bachelorette Finale

Ah, the ending of The Bachelorette. Who will it be? Cape Cod Chris? Or Rico Sauve Roberto? Chat w/my peeps tonight! See below for tonight's "featured" wine and cheese. And by "featured" I mean what I'll be having :-)


Tonight's Cheese: (will be paired with a Pinot Noir)

A very famous French cheese, Camembert dates back to the 18th century and is named for a Norman village in which there is a statue of the creator of this particular variety (Marie Harel). Originally, this cheese was dry and yellow-brown, but after a few modifications it became softer and more earthy. In 1855 one of Marie Harel's daughters presented Napoleon with a piece of that cheese, saying that it came from village called Camembert. He liked it a lot and from that moment Camembert became known by its contemporary name. At the beginning of its ripening, Camembert is crumbly and soft and gets creamier over time (usually 2-3 weeks). A genuine Camembert has a delicate salty taste.

The Bachelorette, the men tell all

So last night's show was a little uninspiring, the most for "fireworks" we saw was John N. telling the Weatherman he "bitched up". Best part was Kasey singing. I know, I know, he can't sing, but it was actually funny.

First, let's talk wine and cheese. Yes, I actually made a cream cheese recipe. First one, soften the cream cheese, add dill weed, use pepperidge farm simply pretzels. Easy dip, and it's AWESOME. And yes, I have another recipe, it will be at the end.

The wine - Mr. Wine guy at HEB recommended Tentino Pinot Grigio from Italy, or Marlborough Sauvingon Blanc from California. The Pinot had a lemony taste to it. I totally loved it. The Sauvingon Blanc was smoother and dryer, and was good as well. Mr. Wine Guy at HEB has not steered me wrong yet!

Now, back to the show.

Which guys are going to be there?? Will Rated R show, what about Frank, will douchebag Craig be there to be mean to the Weatherman? Will Jesse then kick Douchebag Craig's ass? We all know Craig R. will be there, because, well, we just know.

So, no Rated R, no Frank, and no Douchebag Craig??? I'm sad, angry and just plain mad. I mean, DB Craig gives me so much material. Sigh. I guess I'll have to wait until the Bachelor Pad.

Now, I'm no genius, especially at love, but single guys, you really need to start trying to get in the audience at the show. 3 words. Target Rich Environment. I also have to wonder if they let the "rejected Bachelors" mingle with the audience after the show. Dude, major score. Because you know every chick has on her cutest cocktail dress, best push up bra and spanx, JUST IN CASE. They are hoping to catch one of the guy's eyes, or better yet, a producer who would cast them in one of the upcoming seasons. Hey, not that there's anything wrong with it, 'cause it would definitely be my plan! I can admit it.

Anyway, as we have established, the room is teeming with estrogen, and that's BEFORE the Weatherman arrives. He left his White Members Only jacket at home, however, and opted for a tough guy, black leather jacket. Wait, is he wearing a baby blue tee under that. Sigh.

We get a recap of her "journey" with Roberto and then Cape Cod Chris. Then on to the disaster that was Frank and Justin. Let the bashing and recap begin....
We see Justin's departure through the Garden of Deception, and Ali chasing him down with the "oh, no u did-'nt" look on her face. And we see how SHE TOLD HIM.
Now a montage of "guard and protect her heart". Oh Kasey, please don't sing again. EVER. But he does later, and well, I'll have to admit, that was funny. More on that later.
All the guys think Kasey has an express ticket on the crazy train, however, they love that little goofball, anyway. Bless his heart.
We also see Ali looking at Kirk's scrapbook the first night where she says "Is that your mom, oh, she's so pretty". Okay, I remember the home town visits. Well, at least we know Ali can be polite, 'cause pretty is NOT the adjective I would use to describe Kirk's mom.

Now the video of Frank's love 'em and leave 'em and he makes Ali throw down that pretty flower in her hair, and then plunk down on her ass in the sand. Don't worry, I'm sure Chris Harrison brought over a couple of cute cocktails with umbrellas and let her get drunk and cry it out. That's what any good friend, I mean host would do.
Then there is unseen footage - Roberto's only un-smooth move. He opens the champagne and Ali almost becomes "one-eyed Willy" from the Goonies. (now I can't really remember if there was a character named one-eyed Willy from the Goonies, but work with me here.)
We see Frank's dad giving some non-sensical, rambling toast, and suddenly, Frank makes a little more sense.

Then Ali as a space cadet. I mean, her wearing the space helmet on her date with Kasey in the museum. She giggles, as she doesn't remember THIS at all. I should make fun of her here, but that would be like, well, hello pot, this is kettle. If you know me, you know what I mean. And if you don't, well, some of us to like to party. There.

We find out that peacocks are really loud. (And I don't mean the weatherman)
As well, as Chris N. is apparently "The Phantom".

Among the guys who are here, why is Mountain Man here? He didn't even make it out of the first round. One can only assume Kirk's dad is in the audience and they will be exchanging dead, stuffed animals. I wonder if he'll get that squirrel.

So the guys are, Jesse, Hunter, Kyle, Tyler V., Craig R. (told you he'd be there, I bet I end up wishing he would shut up), John C., Derrick (Shooter), Jason, Steve, Chris N., Kirk, Weatherman, Kasey the Crazy train, and Big Ears (Ty)

Chris N. is known as the Phantom. And he said more than 10 words, and was actually funny with his "The Phantom" t-shirt, a la "Rated-R". Where was THAT guy all season?
Summary time - Jesse would have (and could have) kicked DB Craig's ass. The weatherman would have, but could NOT have done so. Kasey, as we have noted, is a nut bag. And they all hated Justin. We know. We saw you try to "vote" him out. Too bad it's not Survivor where they HAVE to leave the island.

Time for the Frankespeare tragedy. It started out so lovely. They rode in a convertible, it broke down. No worries, they'll catch a cab, go get drunk while the interns get the car fixed, they make out in front of the Hollywood sign. Turkey, a carpet salesman, a carpet, Lisbon, more making out, more drinking, home town visit where he wears her tank top, and BAM. Frank does his 180, begs his ex, Nicole to take him back. He's been on a trip around the world with this other fabulous girl, but he can't stop thinking about HER. He then goes to break Ali's heart, but left his Clark Kent glasses at home. Maybe he figured Ali was going to punch him, and he didn't want those to get broken.
Craig R. speaks up first and I am all ready wishing he'd shut up. He says Frank and Justin are NOT the same. Justin is evil, Frank is just a screw up. BLAH, BLAH. Shut up, Craig!

Kasey says Frank took too long in taking himself out. Ty and Hunter try to take up for him too. We find out Frank will be there next week for "After the Final Rose". THAT should be interesting.

And now, time for the crazy train to pull into the station and stop in the hot seat.
Chris Harrison reminds him how he was left standing alone on a glacier. We see the craziness that was Kasey. Guard and protect, Ali is "imaginary", jump in and stay awhile, that ridiculous singing, and THAT STUPID TATTOO. We also see a couple of the guys laughing at him. Kasey takes mental notes and plots his revenge.
Kasey tries to say he hasn't always been like this, and he was just trying to be open. So, he once was normal? I'm not sure I'm buying that, you don't turn into a complete cheeseball overnight.

Chris Harrison - "Do you think you being such a whack - job scared her"
Kasey - "Hey, there has to be some girls out there who would like this stuff..."
Me - "Crazy Michelle comes to mind"

Chris Harrison points out he CAN'T sing, but Kasey was trying to be "fun". No, that's not fun, that's embarrassing.
On to the tattoo, it's his first one. It now represents him. And he says guard and protect another dozen times. Yeah, he's insane. That sums it up.

Now it's Kirk's turn in the hot seat. Chris Harrison reminds him he got sent home for Frank. We see his "journey". Including the mold sickness, and Ali finally dumping him. In that weird pepto-bismal colored rose-busted dress.
Chris Harrison says all the things he needed to say to make Kirk feel better. Is he a great relationship counselor or what!
We see a shot of the chicks in the audience, ready to pounce. Good plan.

Since Justin wouldn't come, we have to settle for the video. All the guys talk about how they hate him, then we see the "phone call" from Jessie and Canadian Snookie, I mean Jessica. Repeat of the Garden of Deception, with all the voice mails he left Jessica. Oops. Remember, hell hath no fury...... The do all the "I KNEW IT LINE". And Craig R. calls him EVIL, and blabs on as usual. Ty tells us how he lied to all of them. Craig R. takes the floor AGAIN and says no one is that loser's friend! And again, I want Craig R. to shut up.
Now here comes Jessie, the girl who busted this story wide open! Straight from Canada, and wearing a big beaded necklace. She reminds us how she and Ali became friends, it was the RV trip! Ah, camping, in a house that travels. My kind of camping. We get the whole Justin story. Jessica is the "main" girlfriend, and then Kimberly is his "on the side" squeeze. And that's why Jessica ratted him out. I have no doubt the girl would have kept her mouth shut if she hadn't found out about Kimberly. The story gets more bizarre and Justin had told Jessica she couldn't have a facebook page! Jessica decides to go against his wishes, sees HIS facebook page with postings from Kimberly and the bust is on. Furthermore, Kimberly lived 5 minutes from Jessica. Within walking distance, cause that boy didn't even own a car!
Chris Harrison - "So how did this work, for you to tell Ali"
Jessie - "Well, I wasn't going to sit on this, or miss my chance and another 15 minutes of fame, not to mention coming here, all these single guys, me in a hot dress...."

Questions from the audience - they hate Justin too.
Now some girl asks Craig R. to resolve his issues with Justin in an olive oil wrestling match. She obviously has the hots for him. We obviously wonder if she's insane.

Now, here comes Ali, in some weird sequined dress. And once again Ali has not brushed her hair. Well, to be fair, she did just have a good roll in the hay with Roberto and then Cape Cod Chris.

Chris Harrison interviews her. I'm still distracted by that rat's nest called her hair. She talks about Justin and how she kicked his ass for her, the girlfriend in Canada, and all the women in the world! GIRL POWER. On to Frank, she did not expect that. Ali's stupid laugh, Kirk is sweet and nice, and he says he's ready to find someone now. Back to the audience, still in pounce mode. Again, good plan.

Kasey sings again. However, this time it's funny. "You left me on a glacier and you choose that dumb ass Rated-R". Boy still can't carry a tune, and seems crazy as all get out.
Now, fun video time. Dancing, she wants to do it with Roberto (who doesn't), barking dogs, Ty barking back, Ali talking. EEEKKK it's a mouse, Craig R speaking Spanish to Roberto. Weatherman speaks Spanish too! Chris Harrison with a plastic glass, guy antics.
Now it's time to look back at the journey of Ali and Roberto, and the journey of Ali and Chris WHO WILL SHE PICK? We are reminded that Roberto IS Rico Sauve, and Chris is a great guy with a great family. Oh, and a sneak peak of the Bachelor Pad.
Then we have a green screen on air, as someone who works in TV, well, that's NOT good. They get it fixed, and trust me, someone is going to be in big trouble.
Video for the Bachelor Pad, crying, drama, hot bodies, booze, making out, trust, more making out, more crying, more drama, villains, rumors, puking, limos, fights. You get the point.
Chris Harrison thanks the studio audience, they hope he gets out of the way so they can rush the stage.

Now, for the 2nd cream cheese recipe. Half a cucumber, hollow it out. Soften the cream cheese, add the cucumber pieces, red onion, boiled shrimp, rotel, dill weed, oregano and basil. Spread into the cucumber and chill. You're welcome.
See y'all next week! What do you think? Comments are welcome, who do you think she will pick?

The Rules and Cheese and wine preview

Hello again, Bachelorette fans! Tonight it's the men tell all.

Drink for "bleep". You know, when someone calls THE CRAIG a name they can't say on tv.
Drink when someone says "Weatherman"
Drink if Frank cries. Now, I'm not even sure if he'll be there, but just in case.

Tonight's cheese - Cream Cheese. Now, before you say, WTF, just cream cheese? Don't worry, I have a couple of kick ass recipes (which will be featured at my annual Christmas party). And as usual, the recipes will be on tomorrow's blog.
Featured wines, another sauvingon blanc and a pinot grigio.

Chat w/my usual peeps tonight on Facebook!

Frank drops a bomb

First up - the Cheese. Mobay is really strong. I tried putting it with grilled chicken. WAAAAY to strong for chicken. However, is good for a cheese plate, especially paired against a milder cheese, like Leerdamer.

The wine - Pinot Blanc. Dry white wine. If you don't like fruity or sweet wine, this one is for you. I bet THE CRAIG would drink it, but not the weatherman. There, that should explain it.

Now, on to The Bachelorette. The opening previews Chris and Roberto falling in love with Ali. Frank, waxing poetic and talking about "what the heart wants" like Woody Allen. Except not in that creepy adopted child sort of way.

First preview, Cape Code Chris. He wasn't ready for love, but you bet your ass he is now! He is so connected to her! He was one of 25, and told her she was "wicked awesome", gave her bracelet, she met his family, rolled in the grass with him. and he is ready to open up more, but he is stressed. What if she picks another guy??? Hello, that's the process here.....

Now, Dinero time. I mean, Roberto. Montage of them making out. And her again holding the bat. PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER. Okay, back on track. Roberto is feeling it. Not sure why... I think he can do bettter. But no one ever asks me!

Last, preview is Frank. He starts with their "connection" that very few people have. It's everything he wants, EXCEPT, guess f'n what. He's still in love with an ex-girlfriend. And falling in love with Ali, makes him realize that he might be in love with the ex, Nicole. Wow, now how the hell do you tell that to the ex? Hey, I want you back, because I WAS falling in love with someone else, so it made me love you more? I mean, maybe this girl doesn't have such an annoying laugh..... or doesn't wear yellow all the time. Oops. Frank continues his Woody Allen justification and blabs on and on. Personally, I wonder if I can teach my dogs how to refill my wine glass.

Then Frank is in Chicago. Goes to find the ex-girlfriend, Nicole, just in case he's still in love with her. Hmm, Who called ahead and told her they were coming? Because, one, that was a really clean apartment, two, she didn't seem that surprised to see him. And oh, no she didn't, she's wearing Ali's signature color. And what is her necklace made of?

So Frank tells her how awesome Ali is. Hey, Frank, telling your ex-girlfriend how great the new girlfriend isn't the best route. He blathers on about his feelings. She sits there and I wonder if she is mute. Nope.

Nicole - I am not complete without you.

Me - Sigh, she's as stupid as he is.

They stare at each other, and the music starts. Personally, I was expecting the Bruce Springsteen song from Jerry Maguire. Because obviously they complete each other. Excuse me while I go barf.

Frank then tells the camera he now KNOWS that Nicole is the woman he wants to be with for the rest of his life. How long until he goes from knowing to "possibly". I say 45 minutes, plus or minus commercials. They snuggle and kiss.

Nicole - I missed your kisses.

Me - Barf.

And they stay in this weird hug position, weird because she has her legs up in a way that makes her look like a yellow easter egg.

Frank - I think I'm gonna live with her happily ever after. Hmmm, a bit of wavering all ready.
He then says he has to go find Ali. Oh, don't worry, the camera crew will lead you directly to her.

Frank - I can't even begin to imagine how that conversation is going to go.

Me - Oh, I can give you a hint. Let's just say I bet there are a lot of bleeps.

On to Ali in Tahiti. She has 3 amazing guys with such great qualities. Check, that, 2.

Cheesy hair flip in the water. Which intern had that idea?

First, Roberto. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. That's me rolling my R's in case you didn't catch that. He tells the camera thaat he's ready to propose. Ali shows up, flower number 1 in her hair. They are both happy. Yeah, he's hot.

They take off and board another helicopter. At least this time we don't have to listen to Ali's fake, I'm scared of flying BS. I think she's realized that one is waaaaay over.

They get flown to their own private island. He feels good about proposing. Ali talks to the camera and I'm left wondering if she had a boob job, or those gel inserts from Victoria's Secret.

Aw, how sweet, the island is in the shape of a heart.

They have a great time rolling in the water and sand. Roberto tells us Ali is perfect. Personally, I find her annoying. Especially when she screeches "this is so cool".

Now for the dinner portion of the date. And she's in the dress I mentioned earlier, I hope the gel inserts stay in place.

All of a sudden, Roberto is worried about putting his feelings out there. Come on, dude! You are dinero.

Roberto - Was today your favorite date so far?

Ali - It was a freaking heart!

Me - Sigh, how about, hell yeah, it was great, we got to make out on this beautiful island.

Roberto takes a long time in explaining his feelings, but finally ends it with he is falling in love with her. They make out. Hey, get a room! Oh, problem solved.

Ali tells him she has something, he looks surprised. Uh, did you forget about this part of the show. Shock, this is from Chris Harrison. Roberto reads it, blah blah, please use this key for the fantasy suite.

They agree, it's a good idea. Si, muy bueno. They have to walk through the water to get to the fantasy suite. I bet that water is a lot cleaner than the water back in Turkey.

The suite is beautiful, she takes off his shirt, and the curtains close.

Now it's Chris's turn. She has on really big sunglasses. She's missed Chris. He has missed her. Their date will be on a luxurious catamaran. You know, after all these great places, going back to their regular life is really gonna suck.
They discuss his family back in Massachusetts. Ali talked about the magical powers of the bracelet. Chris reminds us how he hasn't dated much in awhile, and he's working on opening up with her. He could end up proposing. Hey, Ali, remember, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

They make out on the boat, then have to jump in to swim to an island. Wow. That water is beautiful. They giggle, swim, make out, swim, giggle. She does the Jillian wrap her legs around him and he carries her to the shore.
They find clams, and yes, there are pearls! Planted or not? You decide. And surprise. Ali declares it is "Amaaaaazing".

Dinner time, and Chris says, surprise, "Awesome". At least 5 or 6 times. They have dinner cooked in banana leaves. Intersting. They discuss relationships, life and love. They make out. Now, it's fantasy suite time again. Chris feigns shock over the fantasy suite. Fantasy suite #54 Chris declares. He is REALLY happy. And he LOVES this girl. Wow. That is one hell of a fantasy suite. Ali says she'd even move back to Massachusetts for him. He says he doesn't care where they live. He told her he loves her. Wow. I did NOT see that coming. Didn't think he'd actually say that to her now. They go inside, and the curtains close again.

Now, time for the date that is not going to be much of a date. Frank tells us how he's here to tell her that he's in love with his ex-girlfriend Nicole. This isn't what he expected to happen. Yeah, buddy, neither did she. First, he needs to talk to Dad. I mean, Chris Harrison. Frank asks for advice on how to tell Ali he's dumping her. Chris says he was blown away, and he's done a 180! Frank says he has been overthinking things. No kidding. And after falling in love with Ali, he realized all this time, he really wanted Nicole. Oh, that's not going to go over well.

Chris - How do you think she's gonna take this?

Frank - I don't know.

Me - Uh, she's gonna be pissed.

Frank says he feels Nicole is who he is going to spend the rest of his life with, and he HOPES he's right. Besides, Ali is currently "homeless" and Nicole has this cool apartment in Chicago!

Chris tells him he has an hour to get his sh*t together to break the news to Ali. Chris wanders off to find a box of tissues he knows he's going to need later. Does anyone else want to smack Frank about now, or is that just me?

Ali heads to Frank's, in an off the shoulder shirt. Look, even Jenniferl Beals has had enough of the flashdance look. Anyways, she tells us that Frank makes her happy. Uh, not today. She's excited about taking him sailing. Cancel that. She hugs Frank and is oblivious. He drops the "we need to talk" bomb, and Ali quickly realizes that something wicked this way comes. I'm back to wanting to smack Frank. He's nervous. Probably because he knows she's gonna be pissed! He starts with the awesome connection, he was falling for her, BUT .......... he was being held back because of the unresolved feelings for an ex-girlfriend. Bomb dropped. He claims he went to see Nicole to get closure. But the second he saw her, he knew what he had to do. He tells her she is perfect in everyway, but the "click" with Nicole beats all that. The flower in Ali's hair begins to wilt. She throws it down. She should have thrown it at Frank. She chews him out because she did all this reassuring and never ONCE mentioned he could dump her for someone else. She handled this way better than I would have. I still want to smack him. He babbles some more. She calls him selfish, and reminds him how she gave up everything to be here. He says he did too, and she says "apparently not everything". OOOOH. Burn. A couple of bleeps and she tosses down her flip flops. She tells him to leave so she can deal with this. Bring in Chris Harrison. They hug good bye. This would be a great time to knee him in the crotch. But she wanders down the beach and finds Chris Harrison, and they have matching blue shirts.

Frank tells us how bad he feels. But he knows he loves Nicole.

Ali cries to Harrison. She has given up her whole freaking life.... She's really, really mad at Frank.

Frank feels horrible. And he takes his back pack and goes home, and hopes one day Ali will forgive him. I hope his glasses are in there, because apparently he has lost those.

Ali cries some more to Chris Harrison and she wonders why this happens to her. He sends her back to her room. He's gonna have room service bring some comfort food and a big fat bottle of wine.

Ali continues to bash Frank. (he deserved it) and she cries some more. Damn, I feel really bad for her. But hey, you have Plan B & C. My Plan B is a bottle of wine and snuggle time on the couch with my dog Boomer. Which is what I'm doing right now. Ah, I love my Plan B.

Back to Tahiti. Ali is wearing a purple tent. She talks about Frank's blindside. She needs to make sure Roberto and Chris want to be here and will COMMIT. Not be committed to someone else. She talks it out with Chris Harrison and says the pity party is over, Frank was the wrong guy for her, she wouldn't take him back, even if he came back and said he was sorry! Take that! She has high hopes that either Chris or Roberto could be her future husband. Harrison agrees, and hopes like hell that it works out, especially after that disaster that was Jake and Vienna.

She hopes both guys accept their roses. Look, they both said they were falling in love with you despite that stupid laugh of yours. I like your chances.

Chris and Roberto are brought in and wonder where the hell Frank is. Harrison says, yep, it's true. No Frank, but Ali will tell you why. They really wonder why she's wearing a purple and white tent. She tells them that he has things at home he didn't deal with, and now has gone home to deal with it. She says Frank wasn't the guy for her, but you two, both have the qualities of someone she wants to be with them. So if you take this rose, you better freaking mean it when you accept it! Chris gets the first rose. Roberto gets the 2nd one. They giggle, and for some reason, doesn't seem awkward. But it is. She tells the guys they are going to Bora Bora, where her family is going to be and they will meet family. Cheers.

Next week - the men tell all. Douchebag Craig, Crazy Train Kasey, the weatherman, and Rated-R. Hmmm, no mention of Frank.....

Until next week!

Rules for the Bachelorette! (plus tonight's wine and cheese!

Okay, Bachelorette (and drinking) fans. We are down to 3 guys, and in for some major drama.

Here are our key words for tonight. Feel free to kiss the cup instead of overindulging (LeAnn)

Drink every time Frank says "I'm sorry"

Drink if Roberto or Chris bring up "being in love"

Drink if Ali says "I can't believe ... (this is happening, etc,) "

Preview of tonight's cheese - Mobay Cheese made here in the good ole USA, in Wisconsin. Brief description: Half is goat milk cheese, half is sheep milk cheese, divided by an edible layer of grape vine ash. I think I'll have this with some bread and grapes. And then for cooking, will butterfly a chicken breast, grill it, add a slice of the cheese, fold it over and melt. We'll see how that turns out!

Preview of tonight's wine - A french Pinot Blanc. This is the only French wine that is called by it's grape instead of the region. There are also American pinot blancs. I had this wine for the first time a few years ago at a wine tasting in Paris. And yes, our host was a snooty, French guy. However, wine was fantastic!

Lisbon, let downs and Liars

This will be a blog that starts off with my thoughts on some wine and cheese, and then on to the Bachelorette.

Tonight's Cheese - Asiago and Parmesan. Put on small pieces of bread and broil. Viola! Add Sauvingon Blanc (label Angeline) Bonus info at the end of my blog.

It's time for the last remaining trip before we head back to the states for home town dates. Our last remaining guys are Ty, Chris, Kirk, Roberto and Frank. My money is on Kirk going home.

Off to Lisbon we go. And wow! That place is beautiful. Put it on the list of places I should go.

The guys come strolling up the street in Lisbon to meet up with Chris Harrison. He gives them the date breakdown and announces that none of the dates have roses. WHAT? No pressure?

The guys then move into their fab hotel. I'd like to stay there, please.

First date, is for Dinero. I mean, Roberto. "Come be the King of my Castle".

Cape Cod Chris - "I wanted that date, I want to be Ali's king, more than Roberto.

Me - Glad you like Ali more than Roberto. Snort.

Ali appears, and her tank top is cute, and her skirt is cute. Except for the fact that they don't match each other. Actually, that skirt is really cute. I wonder where she got it. Ooops. I digress.

She and Roberto are off on their date. Uh, is that a man purse he is carrying? They then take pictures of themselves jumping up and down. I prefer self-portraits myself.

Ali - "This is so awesome. This is what it would be like all the time if we were together."

Me - So you would take pictures of each other jumping up and down? One I'd have soooo many other ideas for Roberto. Two, WHO WOULD PAY THE BILLS? Ooops, getting sidetracked again.

Now they dance in the middle of the street and she says it's like a fairy tale. Uh, it is a fairy tale. You are in Lisbon, dating 5 guys, and all your dates are set up and paid for. But damn, that skirt is really cute. I want one.

They ride on a trolley and make out. I'd make out with Roberto too. Again, digressing.

Back to the dude lair, Frank is waxing poetic again, and the next date card arrives. Kirk, your shirt is ugly. The 2 on 1 date is Ty and Frank. Oh, dear God. Frank waxes poetic some more, and whines about not having a solo date.

Back to the date with Roberto, they go in a castle and have wine. Ali tells Roberto she can't cook. They talk about the possibility of a home down date. Uh, really. We all know better, he's DINERO, for God's sake! He will be sticking around. Ali says she needs to figure him out. Oh, I have him figured out. He's too hot for you. There.

Now it's time for the 2 on 1 date. So much for that fear of flying. The 3 board the helicopter and Frank's shirt looks like a tablecloth. Both guys tell the camera it will be awkward.

Ty - It will be weird.

Me - No duh.

I just noticed Ty's shirt. Someone give that man a guitar and a stage. Oh wait, he's all ready got the guitar.

They arrive at some destination where Ali is supposed to tell them the history of the place. But she forgot, besides, there is wine waiting for them!


Dinner starts and the awkwardness continues. They giggle, it gets quiet, both guys says they wish the other would go. Ali then takes charge and decides to take Ty for some alone time. Frank gets the wine, and Ty has to go to what appears to be the back of the castle. Of course, all I can think is BIG EARS.

Ty again tells her he really understands now that women CAN work if they want to. He tells her it would be good and "AWWWWW-SOME". Well, he is from the south.

Back to the dude lair, it's the next date card, and it's for Kirk. The clue is "Once Upon a Time". Kirk seems confused and the other guys explain it's a fairy tale. Damn, where is that Disney Princess, Tenley when you need her?

Back to the 2 on 1 date, and it's now Frank's turn for his alone time.

Frank - "My parents are sure gonna love you, at least I really hope they do.

Ali - Stupid giggle.

Frank - "Interestingly, something that brought my family closer together, well, I blew all my money in Paris, and I had to come back and crash at the folks' house!"

Me - Does your mom do your laundry, I lived at home for a few years (hey, I was way under 30, and it was so I could save up and buy my own house) and my mom did NOT do my laundry!

Ali - Blank stare. Then "AWWWWW" again, like she just received the cutest little puppy.

Then they sit in a tree and make out. Hey, maybe they'll do that on his home town date. You know, if his parents don't allow him to have girls in his room.

Awkward 2 on 1 date is awkward. Summary - Ty says she can have a career. Frank has no career. Unless he manages to sell a screen play for millions of dollars.

Time for Kirk's date. Damn, another ugly shirt. Come on, guys!

Hey, those are some really tall glasses of beer. I have a thing for beer, and glasses. Yes, I would try and steal those glasses. Oh, now they ride in a horse drawn carriage. And they have wine. Damn, all that free booze. I really need to go on this show! I digress. The carriage takes them to, surprise, a castle!

Kirk - "I'm not used to places like this"

Me - What, you don't visit castles on all your dates? Eye roll.

Ali looks sad. Kirk talks. Ali looks sad. Kirk talks, Ali talks. She's worried and stressed.

Ali - "THIS IS SOME SERIOUS SHIT, I'M ABOUT TO MEET SOME PARENTS."

Me - Can't wait for that, looks like someone has a kooky dad.

Now it's time for rooftop dining. Ah, yes, another very "common" date.

Let me sum up their conversation - they both deserve good things in their life. Then they make out. Oh, my money was on Kirk going home. I might be wrong.

They end the date being serenaded in Portuguese. They make out some more. Damn, I was wrong, he's not going home.

In the mean time, Cape Cod Chris has received his date card. They begin their date on a scooter. And at least his shirt isn't as ugly as Kirk's or Frank's. Ali is concerned their relationship might be moving too slow. Uh oh, better step it up Cape Cod Chris.

They get on a scooter, and he drives. Slow, like my mom. (sorry, mom, you do drive slow) He's worried he'll be known as the guy who kills the Bachelorette. Well, not at that speed!

Let me sum up another one for you - he's not a good scooter driver.

Ali - "Okay, you are going too slow, let me drive."

Me - Hey, I tell my mom the same thing!

Ali takes off on the scooter like a bat outta hell. She's on the wrong side of the road! Okay, that's better.

Ali - "Wooohooooo, look at the ocean!"

Chris - "Keep your eyes on the road, and slow down!"

My mom - That's what I tell Kay all the time too (and that she drives like her dad)

They stop for a break and discuss his family, again. He has all brothers. OMG, she wants all boys when she has kids. She feels his walls are coming down, but what if it's too late. Girl, he is cute, just pick him!

She lets him drive the scooter to the next destination. I guess there wasn't a time limit on the rental. They go to a winery. OH YOU KNOW THAT IS MY PLACE. His family likes wine. Hey, so does mine! They should bring his dad some from Portugal. They discuss "opening up" again.

Cape Cod Chris gives her a bracelet. A family friend makes jewelry and he's had it since the beginning of the show, buy he had to make sure he liked her enough to give it to her. Well, played Chris, well played.

Rose ceremony time.

OMG - Ugliest dress ever for the rose ceremony.

And damn, I miss the cocktail parties. Okay, let's get down to it.

Chris Harrison - "The last 4 standing will take Ali home to meet the families. The one loser will get a ride to the airport. SEE YA".

Me - Damn, that dress is still ugly.

She picks - Chris, Frank, Roberto, and then Kirk.

I was wrong. Ty goes, Kirk stays. Looks like it's Kirk with the kooky dad.


She walks Ty outside in the rain. How dramatic. Except they either have up really big umbrellas or tarps, because they aren't getting soaked. Bet the interns are.

Ali pouts, and then pouts some more.

Ty - "It would really be nice to have someone to share stuff with"

Me - If that was your only requirement, you wouldn't have gotten divorced! And I have mentioned Ali's dress is ugly? And enough with the pouting, Ali, you still have 4 dudes.

Now it's time for the Jake and Vienna show down. In this corner, we have an enhanced former Hooter's waitress. In the other corner, we have a smug, douchebag pilot.

Chris Harrison - "Dude, you really f'd this up!"

Jake - "It's all Vienna's fault."

Chris - "Come on out Vienna."

Awkwardness.

Chris - "Dude, you two really f'd this up!"

Vienna - "It's all his fault, after a month he started being a real jerk."

Chris - "why did you go to the tabloids?"

Vienna - "Uh, we got together on a TV show."

Me - True dat.

Jake - "You sold me out, and you are a big fat liar."

Vienna - "You said you were a pilot, and now you want to be an actor."

Jake - "As a matter of fact, I flew last weekend."

Me - You said that in the most condscending, jerk off manner. It was at this point, I decided I wanted to punch him in the face and drop him in the nearest bottomless well, along with Kate and Jon Gosselin. I never thought I'd say this, but Team Vienna.

Vienna - "Can we get a polly-a-gragh test"

Me - Sigh. It's polygraph.

Oh, Jake and Vienna. I never thought I would feel sorry for Vienna, but damn! Jake was a complete tool. Also add in condescending, smug, rude and all around jack ass. Seems to me he only pretended to be a nice guy to get his 15 minutes of fame.

But hey, Vienna has job. In L.A. of course. So let's see if she disappears from the limelight. Somehow, sadly, I don't think we've seen the last of either one of them. However, Jake, if you are trying to be an actor, I don't like your chances, 'cause you suck!

The drama continues. But I don't care. I'm done with these two. Chris tries to play marriage counselor, to no avail. Give up, dude, we all did.

I'm looking forward to next week. It has to be better than this crap!

Previews for next week - Roberto in baseball pants, YOWZZA. Kirk has the kooky dad. Chris takes her to Cape Cod. Frank waxes poetic and is having doubts!

One more cheesy piece - Chop up mushrooms and saute in butter. Put on top of toast, top with the Asiago cheese and parmesan cheese. Broil a few minutes. YUMMY!

One more wine tip - Screwcaps are okay, at least that is what I keep telling myself.