The Bachelorette, the men tell all

So last night's show was a little uninspiring, the most for "fireworks" we saw was John N. telling the Weatherman he "bitched up". Best part was Kasey singing. I know, I know, he can't sing, but it was actually funny.

First, let's talk wine and cheese. Yes, I actually made a cream cheese recipe. First one, soften the cream cheese, add dill weed, use pepperidge farm simply pretzels. Easy dip, and it's AWESOME. And yes, I have another recipe, it will be at the end.

The wine - Mr. Wine guy at HEB recommended Tentino Pinot Grigio from Italy, or Marlborough Sauvingon Blanc from California. The Pinot had a lemony taste to it. I totally loved it. The Sauvingon Blanc was smoother and dryer, and was good as well. Mr. Wine Guy at HEB has not steered me wrong yet!

Now, back to the show.

Which guys are going to be there?? Will Rated R show, what about Frank, will douchebag Craig be there to be mean to the Weatherman? Will Jesse then kick Douchebag Craig's ass? We all know Craig R. will be there, because, well, we just know.

So, no Rated R, no Frank, and no Douchebag Craig??? I'm sad, angry and just plain mad. I mean, DB Craig gives me so much material. Sigh. I guess I'll have to wait until the Bachelor Pad.

Now, I'm no genius, especially at love, but single guys, you really need to start trying to get in the audience at the show. 3 words. Target Rich Environment. I also have to wonder if they let the "rejected Bachelors" mingle with the audience after the show. Dude, major score. Because you know every chick has on her cutest cocktail dress, best push up bra and spanx, JUST IN CASE. They are hoping to catch one of the guy's eyes, or better yet, a producer who would cast them in one of the upcoming seasons. Hey, not that there's anything wrong with it, 'cause it would definitely be my plan! I can admit it.

Anyway, as we have established, the room is teeming with estrogen, and that's BEFORE the Weatherman arrives. He left his White Members Only jacket at home, however, and opted for a tough guy, black leather jacket. Wait, is he wearing a baby blue tee under that. Sigh.

We get a recap of her "journey" with Roberto and then Cape Cod Chris. Then on to the disaster that was Frank and Justin. Let the bashing and recap begin....
We see Justin's departure through the Garden of Deception, and Ali chasing him down with the "oh, no u did-'nt" look on her face. And we see how SHE TOLD HIM.
Now a montage of "guard and protect her heart". Oh Kasey, please don't sing again. EVER. But he does later, and well, I'll have to admit, that was funny. More on that later.
All the guys think Kasey has an express ticket on the crazy train, however, they love that little goofball, anyway. Bless his heart.
We also see Ali looking at Kirk's scrapbook the first night where she says "Is that your mom, oh, she's so pretty". Okay, I remember the home town visits. Well, at least we know Ali can be polite, 'cause pretty is NOT the adjective I would use to describe Kirk's mom.

Now the video of Frank's love 'em and leave 'em and he makes Ali throw down that pretty flower in her hair, and then plunk down on her ass in the sand. Don't worry, I'm sure Chris Harrison brought over a couple of cute cocktails with umbrellas and let her get drunk and cry it out. That's what any good friend, I mean host would do.
Then there is unseen footage - Roberto's only un-smooth move. He opens the champagne and Ali almost becomes "one-eyed Willy" from the Goonies. (now I can't really remember if there was a character named one-eyed Willy from the Goonies, but work with me here.)
We see Frank's dad giving some non-sensical, rambling toast, and suddenly, Frank makes a little more sense.

Then Ali as a space cadet. I mean, her wearing the space helmet on her date with Kasey in the museum. She giggles, as she doesn't remember THIS at all. I should make fun of her here, but that would be like, well, hello pot, this is kettle. If you know me, you know what I mean. And if you don't, well, some of us to like to party. There.

We find out that peacocks are really loud. (And I don't mean the weatherman)
As well, as Chris N. is apparently "The Phantom".

Among the guys who are here, why is Mountain Man here? He didn't even make it out of the first round. One can only assume Kirk's dad is in the audience and they will be exchanging dead, stuffed animals. I wonder if he'll get that squirrel.

So the guys are, Jesse, Hunter, Kyle, Tyler V., Craig R. (told you he'd be there, I bet I end up wishing he would shut up), John C., Derrick (Shooter), Jason, Steve, Chris N., Kirk, Weatherman, Kasey the Crazy train, and Big Ears (Ty)

Chris N. is known as the Phantom. And he said more than 10 words, and was actually funny with his "The Phantom" t-shirt, a la "Rated-R". Where was THAT guy all season?
Summary time - Jesse would have (and could have) kicked DB Craig's ass. The weatherman would have, but could NOT have done so. Kasey, as we have noted, is a nut bag. And they all hated Justin. We know. We saw you try to "vote" him out. Too bad it's not Survivor where they HAVE to leave the island.

Time for the Frankespeare tragedy. It started out so lovely. They rode in a convertible, it broke down. No worries, they'll catch a cab, go get drunk while the interns get the car fixed, they make out in front of the Hollywood sign. Turkey, a carpet salesman, a carpet, Lisbon, more making out, more drinking, home town visit where he wears her tank top, and BAM. Frank does his 180, begs his ex, Nicole to take him back. He's been on a trip around the world with this other fabulous girl, but he can't stop thinking about HER. He then goes to break Ali's heart, but left his Clark Kent glasses at home. Maybe he figured Ali was going to punch him, and he didn't want those to get broken.
Craig R. speaks up first and I am all ready wishing he'd shut up. He says Frank and Justin are NOT the same. Justin is evil, Frank is just a screw up. BLAH, BLAH. Shut up, Craig!

Kasey says Frank took too long in taking himself out. Ty and Hunter try to take up for him too. We find out Frank will be there next week for "After the Final Rose". THAT should be interesting.

And now, time for the crazy train to pull into the station and stop in the hot seat.
Chris Harrison reminds him how he was left standing alone on a glacier. We see the craziness that was Kasey. Guard and protect, Ali is "imaginary", jump in and stay awhile, that ridiculous singing, and THAT STUPID TATTOO. We also see a couple of the guys laughing at him. Kasey takes mental notes and plots his revenge.
Kasey tries to say he hasn't always been like this, and he was just trying to be open. So, he once was normal? I'm not sure I'm buying that, you don't turn into a complete cheeseball overnight.

Chris Harrison - "Do you think you being such a whack - job scared her"
Kasey - "Hey, there has to be some girls out there who would like this stuff..."
Me - "Crazy Michelle comes to mind"

Chris Harrison points out he CAN'T sing, but Kasey was trying to be "fun". No, that's not fun, that's embarrassing.
On to the tattoo, it's his first one. It now represents him. And he says guard and protect another dozen times. Yeah, he's insane. That sums it up.

Now it's Kirk's turn in the hot seat. Chris Harrison reminds him he got sent home for Frank. We see his "journey". Including the mold sickness, and Ali finally dumping him. In that weird pepto-bismal colored rose-busted dress.
Chris Harrison says all the things he needed to say to make Kirk feel better. Is he a great relationship counselor or what!
We see a shot of the chicks in the audience, ready to pounce. Good plan.

Since Justin wouldn't come, we have to settle for the video. All the guys talk about how they hate him, then we see the "phone call" from Jessie and Canadian Snookie, I mean Jessica. Repeat of the Garden of Deception, with all the voice mails he left Jessica. Oops. Remember, hell hath no fury...... The do all the "I KNEW IT LINE". And Craig R. calls him EVIL, and blabs on as usual. Ty tells us how he lied to all of them. Craig R. takes the floor AGAIN and says no one is that loser's friend! And again, I want Craig R. to shut up.
Now here comes Jessie, the girl who busted this story wide open! Straight from Canada, and wearing a big beaded necklace. She reminds us how she and Ali became friends, it was the RV trip! Ah, camping, in a house that travels. My kind of camping. We get the whole Justin story. Jessica is the "main" girlfriend, and then Kimberly is his "on the side" squeeze. And that's why Jessica ratted him out. I have no doubt the girl would have kept her mouth shut if she hadn't found out about Kimberly. The story gets more bizarre and Justin had told Jessica she couldn't have a facebook page! Jessica decides to go against his wishes, sees HIS facebook page with postings from Kimberly and the bust is on. Furthermore, Kimberly lived 5 minutes from Jessica. Within walking distance, cause that boy didn't even own a car!
Chris Harrison - "So how did this work, for you to tell Ali"
Jessie - "Well, I wasn't going to sit on this, or miss my chance and another 15 minutes of fame, not to mention coming here, all these single guys, me in a hot dress...."

Questions from the audience - they hate Justin too.
Now some girl asks Craig R. to resolve his issues with Justin in an olive oil wrestling match. She obviously has the hots for him. We obviously wonder if she's insane.

Now, here comes Ali, in some weird sequined dress. And once again Ali has not brushed her hair. Well, to be fair, she did just have a good roll in the hay with Roberto and then Cape Cod Chris.

Chris Harrison interviews her. I'm still distracted by that rat's nest called her hair. She talks about Justin and how she kicked his ass for her, the girlfriend in Canada, and all the women in the world! GIRL POWER. On to Frank, she did not expect that. Ali's stupid laugh, Kirk is sweet and nice, and he says he's ready to find someone now. Back to the audience, still in pounce mode. Again, good plan.

Kasey sings again. However, this time it's funny. "You left me on a glacier and you choose that dumb ass Rated-R". Boy still can't carry a tune, and seems crazy as all get out.
Now, fun video time. Dancing, she wants to do it with Roberto (who doesn't), barking dogs, Ty barking back, Ali talking. EEEKKK it's a mouse, Craig R speaking Spanish to Roberto. Weatherman speaks Spanish too! Chris Harrison with a plastic glass, guy antics.
Now it's time to look back at the journey of Ali and Roberto, and the journey of Ali and Chris WHO WILL SHE PICK? We are reminded that Roberto IS Rico Sauve, and Chris is a great guy with a great family. Oh, and a sneak peak of the Bachelor Pad.
Then we have a green screen on air, as someone who works in TV, well, that's NOT good. They get it fixed, and trust me, someone is going to be in big trouble.
Video for the Bachelor Pad, crying, drama, hot bodies, booze, making out, trust, more making out, more crying, more drama, villains, rumors, puking, limos, fights. You get the point.
Chris Harrison thanks the studio audience, they hope he gets out of the way so they can rush the stage.

Now, for the 2nd cream cheese recipe. Half a cucumber, hollow it out. Soften the cream cheese, add the cucumber pieces, red onion, boiled shrimp, rotel, dill weed, oregano and basil. Spread into the cucumber and chill. You're welcome.
See y'all next week! What do you think? Comments are welcome, who do you think she will pick?