Lisbon, let downs and Liars

This will be a blog that starts off with my thoughts on some wine and cheese, and then on to the Bachelorette.

Tonight's Cheese - Asiago and Parmesan. Put on small pieces of bread and broil. Viola! Add Sauvingon Blanc (label Angeline) Bonus info at the end of my blog.

It's time for the last remaining trip before we head back to the states for home town dates. Our last remaining guys are Ty, Chris, Kirk, Roberto and Frank. My money is on Kirk going home.

Off to Lisbon we go. And wow! That place is beautiful. Put it on the list of places I should go.

The guys come strolling up the street in Lisbon to meet up with Chris Harrison. He gives them the date breakdown and announces that none of the dates have roses. WHAT? No pressure?

The guys then move into their fab hotel. I'd like to stay there, please.

First date, is for Dinero. I mean, Roberto. "Come be the King of my Castle".

Cape Cod Chris - "I wanted that date, I want to be Ali's king, more than Roberto.

Me - Glad you like Ali more than Roberto. Snort.

Ali appears, and her tank top is cute, and her skirt is cute. Except for the fact that they don't match each other. Actually, that skirt is really cute. I wonder where she got it. Ooops. I digress.

She and Roberto are off on their date. Uh, is that a man purse he is carrying? They then take pictures of themselves jumping up and down. I prefer self-portraits myself.

Ali - "This is so awesome. This is what it would be like all the time if we were together."

Me - So you would take pictures of each other jumping up and down? One I'd have soooo many other ideas for Roberto. Two, WHO WOULD PAY THE BILLS? Ooops, getting sidetracked again.

Now they dance in the middle of the street and she says it's like a fairy tale. Uh, it is a fairy tale. You are in Lisbon, dating 5 guys, and all your dates are set up and paid for. But damn, that skirt is really cute. I want one.

They ride on a trolley and make out. I'd make out with Roberto too. Again, digressing.

Back to the dude lair, Frank is waxing poetic again, and the next date card arrives. Kirk, your shirt is ugly. The 2 on 1 date is Ty and Frank. Oh, dear God. Frank waxes poetic some more, and whines about not having a solo date.

Back to the date with Roberto, they go in a castle and have wine. Ali tells Roberto she can't cook. They talk about the possibility of a home down date. Uh, really. We all know better, he's DINERO, for God's sake! He will be sticking around. Ali says she needs to figure him out. Oh, I have him figured out. He's too hot for you. There.

Now it's time for the 2 on 1 date. So much for that fear of flying. The 3 board the helicopter and Frank's shirt looks like a tablecloth. Both guys tell the camera it will be awkward.

Ty - It will be weird.

Me - No duh.

I just noticed Ty's shirt. Someone give that man a guitar and a stage. Oh wait, he's all ready got the guitar.

They arrive at some destination where Ali is supposed to tell them the history of the place. But she forgot, besides, there is wine waiting for them!


Dinner starts and the awkwardness continues. They giggle, it gets quiet, both guys says they wish the other would go. Ali then takes charge and decides to take Ty for some alone time. Frank gets the wine, and Ty has to go to what appears to be the back of the castle. Of course, all I can think is BIG EARS.

Ty again tells her he really understands now that women CAN work if they want to. He tells her it would be good and "AWWWWW-SOME". Well, he is from the south.

Back to the dude lair, it's the next date card, and it's for Kirk. The clue is "Once Upon a Time". Kirk seems confused and the other guys explain it's a fairy tale. Damn, where is that Disney Princess, Tenley when you need her?

Back to the 2 on 1 date, and it's now Frank's turn for his alone time.

Frank - "My parents are sure gonna love you, at least I really hope they do.

Ali - Stupid giggle.

Frank - "Interestingly, something that brought my family closer together, well, I blew all my money in Paris, and I had to come back and crash at the folks' house!"

Me - Does your mom do your laundry, I lived at home for a few years (hey, I was way under 30, and it was so I could save up and buy my own house) and my mom did NOT do my laundry!

Ali - Blank stare. Then "AWWWWW" again, like she just received the cutest little puppy.

Then they sit in a tree and make out. Hey, maybe they'll do that on his home town date. You know, if his parents don't allow him to have girls in his room.

Awkward 2 on 1 date is awkward. Summary - Ty says she can have a career. Frank has no career. Unless he manages to sell a screen play for millions of dollars.

Time for Kirk's date. Damn, another ugly shirt. Come on, guys!

Hey, those are some really tall glasses of beer. I have a thing for beer, and glasses. Yes, I would try and steal those glasses. Oh, now they ride in a horse drawn carriage. And they have wine. Damn, all that free booze. I really need to go on this show! I digress. The carriage takes them to, surprise, a castle!

Kirk - "I'm not used to places like this"

Me - What, you don't visit castles on all your dates? Eye roll.

Ali looks sad. Kirk talks. Ali looks sad. Kirk talks, Ali talks. She's worried and stressed.

Ali - "THIS IS SOME SERIOUS SHIT, I'M ABOUT TO MEET SOME PARENTS."

Me - Can't wait for that, looks like someone has a kooky dad.

Now it's time for rooftop dining. Ah, yes, another very "common" date.

Let me sum up their conversation - they both deserve good things in their life. Then they make out. Oh, my money was on Kirk going home. I might be wrong.

They end the date being serenaded in Portuguese. They make out some more. Damn, I was wrong, he's not going home.

In the mean time, Cape Cod Chris has received his date card. They begin their date on a scooter. And at least his shirt isn't as ugly as Kirk's or Frank's. Ali is concerned their relationship might be moving too slow. Uh oh, better step it up Cape Cod Chris.

They get on a scooter, and he drives. Slow, like my mom. (sorry, mom, you do drive slow) He's worried he'll be known as the guy who kills the Bachelorette. Well, not at that speed!

Let me sum up another one for you - he's not a good scooter driver.

Ali - "Okay, you are going too slow, let me drive."

Me - Hey, I tell my mom the same thing!

Ali takes off on the scooter like a bat outta hell. She's on the wrong side of the road! Okay, that's better.

Ali - "Wooohooooo, look at the ocean!"

Chris - "Keep your eyes on the road, and slow down!"

My mom - That's what I tell Kay all the time too (and that she drives like her dad)

They stop for a break and discuss his family, again. He has all brothers. OMG, she wants all boys when she has kids. She feels his walls are coming down, but what if it's too late. Girl, he is cute, just pick him!

She lets him drive the scooter to the next destination. I guess there wasn't a time limit on the rental. They go to a winery. OH YOU KNOW THAT IS MY PLACE. His family likes wine. Hey, so does mine! They should bring his dad some from Portugal. They discuss "opening up" again.

Cape Cod Chris gives her a bracelet. A family friend makes jewelry and he's had it since the beginning of the show, buy he had to make sure he liked her enough to give it to her. Well, played Chris, well played.

Rose ceremony time.

OMG - Ugliest dress ever for the rose ceremony.

And damn, I miss the cocktail parties. Okay, let's get down to it.

Chris Harrison - "The last 4 standing will take Ali home to meet the families. The one loser will get a ride to the airport. SEE YA".

Me - Damn, that dress is still ugly.

She picks - Chris, Frank, Roberto, and then Kirk.

I was wrong. Ty goes, Kirk stays. Looks like it's Kirk with the kooky dad.


She walks Ty outside in the rain. How dramatic. Except they either have up really big umbrellas or tarps, because they aren't getting soaked. Bet the interns are.

Ali pouts, and then pouts some more.

Ty - "It would really be nice to have someone to share stuff with"

Me - If that was your only requirement, you wouldn't have gotten divorced! And I have mentioned Ali's dress is ugly? And enough with the pouting, Ali, you still have 4 dudes.

Now it's time for the Jake and Vienna show down. In this corner, we have an enhanced former Hooter's waitress. In the other corner, we have a smug, douchebag pilot.

Chris Harrison - "Dude, you really f'd this up!"

Jake - "It's all Vienna's fault."

Chris - "Come on out Vienna."

Awkwardness.

Chris - "Dude, you two really f'd this up!"

Vienna - "It's all his fault, after a month he started being a real jerk."

Chris - "why did you go to the tabloids?"

Vienna - "Uh, we got together on a TV show."

Me - True dat.

Jake - "You sold me out, and you are a big fat liar."

Vienna - "You said you were a pilot, and now you want to be an actor."

Jake - "As a matter of fact, I flew last weekend."

Me - You said that in the most condscending, jerk off manner. It was at this point, I decided I wanted to punch him in the face and drop him in the nearest bottomless well, along with Kate and Jon Gosselin. I never thought I'd say this, but Team Vienna.

Vienna - "Can we get a polly-a-gragh test"

Me - Sigh. It's polygraph.

Oh, Jake and Vienna. I never thought I would feel sorry for Vienna, but damn! Jake was a complete tool. Also add in condescending, smug, rude and all around jack ass. Seems to me he only pretended to be a nice guy to get his 15 minutes of fame.

But hey, Vienna has job. In L.A. of course. So let's see if she disappears from the limelight. Somehow, sadly, I don't think we've seen the last of either one of them. However, Jake, if you are trying to be an actor, I don't like your chances, 'cause you suck!

The drama continues. But I don't care. I'm done with these two. Chris tries to play marriage counselor, to no avail. Give up, dude, we all did.

I'm looking forward to next week. It has to be better than this crap!

Previews for next week - Roberto in baseball pants, YOWZZA. Kirk has the kooky dad. Chris takes her to Cape Cod. Frank waxes poetic and is having doubts!

One more cheesy piece - Chop up mushrooms and saute in butter. Put on top of toast, top with the Asiago cheese and parmesan cheese. Broil a few minutes. YUMMY!

One more wine tip - Screwcaps are okay, at least that is what I keep telling myself.