The Return of The Bachelor and Brad

Welcome back! More wine, cheese and Bachelor.

First up cheese. Ah cheese. How I love you, let me count the ways. Today, it's 3, since I'm using a 3 cheese blend for my panini. Grated asiago, fontina and manchego. Add prosciutto, avocado, put in ciabatta bread and grill.

Wine - cabernet sauvingon - Slydog cellars. I'm happy.

Now from the good stuff, to the better stuff. The Bachelor Recap.

We begin with the reminders of Brad's previous stint as the Bachelor 3 years ago. We all know, he dumped both girls. Since then, he has had therapy. He has daddy issues, trust issues and commitment issues. Well, had. He's cured, and ready for love. And we see plenty of shots of him without his shirt on. My feelings are NOT hurt over that!

Now time for a preview of some of the AMAZING women he will meet. I think amazing is Chris Harrison's favorite word.

Ashley H., the dancing dentist. Shawntel, the funeral director. Ashley S., southern girl living in New York, Chantal, appears to work her butt off and is divorced. And has a fluffball of a dog.
A new crazy Michelle - she's not there to make friends. Then Raichel, the manscaper, who seems to get way too much joy out of waxing men. Meghan who works in fashion, yet is wearing an ugly necklace. Madison, the model with fangs - enough said. Emily - sweet girl, sad story, sniff, sniff, pass the kleenex.

But before we can let the re-hash of his previous season die, let's bring out.... yep. DeAnna and Jenni. Well, that was uncomfortable. And how nice, both of them are so happy and in love. Jenni wins the shorter skirt contest, and DeAnna wins the most make-up contest. And after DeAnna takes the sanctimonious, well, bitch road, I find her annoying. Look, we've all been dumped before, and we all get pissed about it, but it happens. At this point, Brad and I are both glad he dumped her.

Now, seriously, enough about his therapy, previous show and DeAnna. Bring out the new set of crazies! I mean, lovely women.

Chantal O. - She slaps him. Well, that will get you remembered. (spoiler alert - he gets payback by picking her LAST at the rose ceremony)

Kimberly - blond who begins with the commitment questions.

Alli - Tells him America hates him, but she doesn't. Look, Alli, just remain focused on not popping out of your dress.

Ashley S. - The Southern Bell as a nanny in New York City. Hmm, do I smell an aspiring actress??? She also grabs his ass. Well, then.

Meghan - ridiculous pink shoes. He likes them. I hate them.

Marissa - She tells him she works, lives, breaths, follows, tracks and dreams sports. He says he loves her all ready. Note to self. That line could work for me. File for future use.

Lindsay - Teacher from Dallas.

Ashley H, the dancing dentist. I think she took a hit of the laughing gas before she left, a bit too bubbly for me.

Raichel - The manscaper. We met her earlier. She weirds me out.

Madison - Wow. Just wow. Fangs, really? You are know known as Twilight. As in the vampire series, or the Twilight Zone. Take your pick.

Melissa - Runs and leaps into his arms. I suspect she worked at the same Hooter's with Vienna.

Renee - A nanny from Chicago. Her Betty Boop voice is annoying. Please send her home, I can't listen to her.

Christy - The only one he doesn't hug - doesn't look good for her rose chances.

Jackie - An artist from New York. She asks for a pinky swear that he won't break her heart.

Sarah P. - She tells him to get down on his knee and tells him to ask her to marry him. Boo.

Lacey - Asks him if he was here for the right reason. That didn't go over well, if you ask me.

Lauren - A high school teacher. The bow on her dress reminds me of a Christmas present.

Lisa P. - Has on a bubble dress. Am I the only one who dislikes those dresses?

Shawntal - The undertaker.

Britnee waves her hand out of the window for him to come to her. That would work if she was smokin' hot. Sadly, she's not.

Stacey - Bartender from Boston. I think he likes her.

Jill - Tall girl from Texas.

Lisa M. - She's from Kansas, and has on red Dorothy shoes. She's from Kansas, and has on.. Yes, we get it.

Rebecca - What the hell is an esthietician? I google it. She gives facials. Okay. She gives him the "grandma told me, you have to kiss a lot of frogs" line and kisses him. I don't think that one is going to work either.

J - Uh, K? Oh, and it's her birthday.

Keltie - A Rockettes Dancer. Let's hope she's not like Roz and goes commando. I dislike her.

Sarah L. - Tells him she can't snap. Oh, snap.

Emily - Sniff, sniff. This season's Stephanie. But seems sweet and sincere, and I'm sure most guys will agree, easy on the eyes.

Britt - A chef. She brought him some food - we don't get to see what it is.

Crazy Michelle. She's thrilled to see him.

So the party begins, and instead of the usual drunken fest and "what are you looking for in a soulmate", every girl begins to panic, WHAT IF HE GETS TO THE END AND DUMPS BOTH GIRLS AGAIN. Look, ladies, it's like being on the first date with a guy and saying "Can you see yourself married to me". IT'S TOO SOON. You just met him, and use logic here. Why would he want to do the show a 2nd time if he wasn't looking for a different outcome?

Finally Brad calls everyone together and tells them he has had his therapy, and this is for real, and if you don't believe him, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. (Which later we find out Alli has the best chance of a door hitting her ass when she points out her caboose)

Back on topic, no one leaves. I mean, the man is hot. Would I leave? Would you? Nope. Well, unless you are a dude, but then we are going to assume you weren't there anyway.

So Brad clears that up, and yet are several still panicking. At this point, I down another glass of wine and long for the return of the pointless questions and answers of "What are you looking for in a soulmate" and the answer "I want someone who likes to travels and REALLY gets me. I mean REALLY". The commitment questions continue. I drink more wine.

Now, it's Ashley S and her like, like, like, like, like, like, like. She like wants to be his friend first. And from that, she gets the first impression rose. Really? She might be the new Tenley. Barf.

Raichel then waxes his wrists. Then they have a discussion about manscaping. And at that point, we get the quote of the night "We like to call it the undercarriage." And now I don't know if I ever can hear the words bat wings again without giggling.

Jackie sings for him. She shouldn't have. Not sure what I hate the most, her singing, her made up song, or her laugh.

Alli talks about her J. Lo booty and says she was once dumped for too much junk in the trunk. I'm not sure I'd use that for my opening line, but (spoiler alert) it apparently worked, as he gives her a rose.

Poor Renee, she tries to get alone time with him 3 times and he gets taken after :30. Look, if he doesn't tell the other girl, wait a few minutes, well...... Hmm. What's that saying I'm looking for - oh yeah, he's just not that into you. Don't worry, it happens to all of us at some point.

Stacey is the last one to steal him from Renee. But she's wicked sorry. So, I guess that makes it okay.

Emily gets her alone time, which no one interrupts. She's a coal miner daughter from West Virginia.

Brad has a conversation with Madison/Twilight. He's a little weirded about the teeth. She plays coy if the teeth are real or not. He calls her out on if she's serious or not. She insists she is. Then he tells her the fangs are really hot. WHAT?

Michelle gets a few minutes with him, but unlike the Original Crazy Michelle, she keeps the crazy under control in front of Brad.
Brad then gives the first impression rose to Ashley S. - I bet she says "like".

Ding ding. Chris Harrison says it's time and leads Brad back to the "contemplation" room. Where he decides who gets a rose and who gets a box of kleenex and a limo ride back to the airport.

He picks:

Michelle - YES! Crazy Michelle lives on.

Kimberly - Very pretty blond.

Madison/Twilight - seriously?

Emily - I put her down as a frontrunner.

Raichel - Guess he likes hot wax.

Keltie - She acts like a 7 year old girl. Sigh, another new Tenley.

Ashley H. - the giggly dentist.

Meghan - Ridiculous pink shoes.

Lisa M.- Ridiculous red shoes.

Lindsey - Seems normal, she goes on the frontrunner list.

Alli - Baby got back! Hey, she started it.

Sarah P. - She announces "that's me". Well, glad you know your name.

Marissa - Sports chick.

Britt - The chef.

Stacey - Wicked bartender.

Shawntal N. - That's one yellow dress.

Jackie - Hey, another yellow dress. Maybe he color coded his picks.

Michelle - Everyone needs a Hooter's girl.

Chantal O. - The girl who slapped him.

All roses have been given out. It's time for fake hugs, kleenex, awkward good-byes and tears.

The group toasts to the upcoming season, and we are treated to previews. Oh, yes, bring on the cat fights, hot tubs, booze, craziness and beautiful locations. And I believe AMAZING is the word for the season.