First off, wine and cheese. I was lazy in the kitchen today, looked in the fridge and found whatever cheese I had on a pizza. Smoked mozzarella, fontina and asaigo. Added turkey Italian sausage and mushrooms. Viola! Yep, it was good. And for wine, pizza deserves a nice Chianti.
Speaking of good, no, not good. This is even better - This week's episode of The Bachelor. So let's get to the crazy, the tears, the cat fights and the good bye - here is your limo to the airport ride.
And as usual, here to get the party started - previews of what is to come, and then Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion. Conveniently, they are all gathered in the living room. He gives them a counseling session on how tough last night was. Uh, not that hard on them, they are all still here. This week's dates - 2 individual and 1 group date.
First stop on the crazy train of love - Solo date. This time it's Ashley S. aka the "new Tenley". However, I will have to admit, I still find Tenley more annoying. Well, until Ashley's high pitched squeaky reaction of "Oh My God, it's me!" The title of the date "Let's find our love song". And now I have the previous Bachelor song "On the Wings of Love" in my head. Great. Freaking great.
Brad arrives at the mansion, all the girls glower, while Ashley glows. Crazy Michelle takes it one step further and says she hates all of them, as they are mere girls, and she is a WOMAN. A crazy woman, if you ask me.
So back to date, Brad and Ashely take off in a convertible and arrive at a recording studio, for....... yep, a recording session. Why do I think this is going to be tortuous? Ashley tells us that while her speaking voice is "charming", her singing voice is not. Charming is not really what I would use, I would go with "a tad less baby-ish than Tenley". Brad tells her that it's a "Kiss from a Rose" by Seal, and now THAT damn song is stuck in my head. Ashley squeals and says it's perfect because it reminds her of her dad because it was her favorite song when she was like, say 10 or so. Around the time Brad was in college.
Ashley: I can't believe Brad chose such a perfect song for me.
Me: He didn't actually pick it out, the producers told him what it was going to be.
I was correct, that was tortuous. Not that I can sing either, so we'll move on from that disaster.
Now we can move on to a private concert, by........ yes. Seal. I know, big "surprise". They walk in and Ashely squeals, all she needed to do was add the jumping and clapping and it would have been a full "Tenley". Yes, I went there.
Brad tells her "shhhh", and I wonder if he means for the concert, or the rest of the date. Probably just the concert, I guess the rest of the night is too much to hope for. Good thing I planned ahead and poured another glass of wine.
Now time for the usual rooftop dining. Date summary - Brad says "amazing". Ashley says "unreal, blah, blah, blah, dad, blah, blah, song, blah, blah, like, like, like, like". Spoiler alert - She gets the rose.
Back at the mansion, the date card arrives. Michelle doesn't want to be on it, and if she is, she'll be pissed off. So, we all knows that means she will be on the group date. And the group date goes to (drum roll) Lindsey, Shawntal, Alli, Brit, Kimberly, Sarah, Chantal, Ashley H., Lisa, Stacey, Marissa, AAAAAND CRAZY MICHELLE. Did I call that or what? I know, excellent foreshadowing pick up on my part!
Back to the rooftop, Ashley S. gets the rose, and they play the song again, thankfully it's the Seal version, and not theirs.
Now, on to the drama date, I gleefully rub my hands together, get more wine and settle in. Michelle bitches about being on a group date, the rest "woo" as the van pulls away.
As soon as the girls get out he says "These women have no clue". I snort and laugh. Get it? They have no clue! Okay, so the rest of his sentence clarified it was about the date, but I still found that quite amusing.
BOOOOMMM. An explosion goes off, and guys jump out and begin "fighting" with Brad. All the girls squeal with delight. I'm distracted by Alli's 80's work-out top, and now they are lined up learning how to throw a punch. Please tell me someone has had some martial arts training, or this is going to be really bad. Chantal goes up in my book, great punch. Michelle does some more whining and is contemplating paying off a couple of ninjas to kidnap the other girls. I just hope they don't give her a weapon, pretend or not! Side note - Lisa squeaks.
Back at the mansion, next date card arrives, and Ashley S. bounds out in her bikini. Now, all of you guys who watch the show because of my chat and blog may now thank me.
This date goes to Emily. One of my frontrunners. She's worried about telling him her story of her daughter and her fiancee that was killed in a plane crash.
Back to the movie set, it's Shawntal's turn. She said she was bringing her A game. And bring it she does! She kicked ass. Move Shawntal up on my list. She also made Michelle's list of "women to smother in their sleep" as she made out with Brad after saving him. They had to do that take several times. Is it wrong that I enjoyed how upset Crazy Michelle got? I guess so, I better drink some more wine, then. Michelle continues to say how it's going to be "fireworks" when he kisses her. I'm still hoping it's the lightbulb that says "bitch is crazy", but I don't see that happening, yet. Michelle continues to squeeze the bunny too tightly as we move to the dinner/drinking portion of the evening.
Rooftop, pool, they jump right in. Clothes start coming off. Oh, they have bathing suites. First to steal Brad is Chantal. Good for you, I thought it would be Michelle.
The talk starts off with she's having a hard time, but he understands. Glad he gets it the 2nd go-around. Anyway, she opens up and tells him about her absentee father and then how he passed away before she found him. She cries, he listens intently, tells her she's hot, and they make out.
Speaking of crying, back at the mansion, Emily tells the other girls her story of her daughter, and the fiancee killed in the plane crash. Even Twilight was crying.
Back in the pool, Michelle gloms herself to Brad.
Alli takes her turn and gets alone time. Michelle is appalled by this, according to her, it's HER turn. And you know what's going to stop her? Nothing. That's right. Nothing.
Alli and Brad are talking, and Michelle tiptoes in, and tells Brad "when you are done". So Alli gets the brush off for Crazy Michelle.
Michelle claims she never gets any one on one time. Uh, excuse me, remember the time you had those stupid questions for him? She cries about leaving her daughter. But hey, hot guy, free booze, great trips, who could pass that up? They finally kiss, there weren't any fireworks, nor the lightbulb of "she's crazy" going off. Crazy Michelle will be around for another week.
Brad then goes to get the rose, I'm afraid he's going to give it to Crazy Michelle, but one moment of sanity, he picks Shawntal after she kicked ass today. She's pleased, I'm pleased.
Crazy Michelle continues on about how immature the other girls are, but then refers to sex as "practicing making babies".
Time for Emily's one on one date. Meaghan tells us that Emily is Mother Teresa reincarnated as a smoking hot blond. Brad then takes Emily to a private plane to take them to their date. We get a shot of her shoes. Really? The plane takes them to the wine country in Santa Maria. I'm INSANELY jealous. INSANELY. And we all know this is about the wine for me. Brad then begins to ask Emily questions, and she dodges them. Brad gives up and goes to get his coat. It's now time for dinner and she finally tells him the story of her daughter and dead fiancee. I get some kleenex and more wine. This story is just sad, I can't make fun of this at all. Summary time - she gets the rose. She is quite easy on the eyes, and that can't hurt her chances.
Time to beat a dead horse - it's Brad's 2nd time, he's had therapy. Here is his therapist telling him he has to open up, be vulnerable, and to let someone in. My advice, decide if a person is worth taking a chance on. The only thing you can control is you and your behaviour. Be who you want to be in the relationship, and they'll either hurt you, or they won't. It's up to you do deal with it from there. That doesn't mean you won't get your heart broken, it just means no one has ever died from it.
Now, time to the elimination round, I mean rose ceremony. I find the bow on Alli's dress distracting. Michelle tells the group how "there's no guarantee unless you have a rose to begin with" and follows up with "I'm confident I'll get one".
Brad arrives and the jockeying for one on one time begins. Alli and her bow go first. Their topic "trust" is because her dad cheated on her mom and she had a surprise little sister. They hug, no kiss. Hmmm, not sure if she's getting a rose.
Crazy Michelle then asks him to have him. She tells the camera how it bothers her he's kissing, dating and thinking about other girls. AGAIN, DID YOU NOT WATCH ANY PREVIOUS SHOWS???? This is how it goes. And now, I have a new song pop in my head. Buckcherry's "She's a crazy bitch". He gives her a quick hug and sidesteps her so he can talk to Chantal.
Chantal and Brad discuss how their physical chemistry is ON. And he tells her he appreciated the open discussion they had on the group date. She is getting a rose, for sure.
Then, surprise, surprise, Crazy Michelle steals him. She then tells him they are in a fight, because he's been kissing other girls. He laughs it off, explains this was his plan, and to deal with it. She's still crazy, but he finds it endearing. I think he just can't see past her hotness. Brad, you are going to regret this one.
Twilight then gets her alone time. She gets serious and takes the fangs out. I'm more worried her boobs are going to pop out of her dress. But the double sided tape holds up. She tells him she's not sure she should stay. He talks her into staying, and says if he offers her a rose and she doesn't want to accept it, she should say no. They agree and we move on.
Ashley H. then corners him and goes on with the "if you don't like me" speech. She doesn't want him to be on the fence about her, not even between her and another girl. AGAIN, HELLO, HAVE YOU SEEN THIS SHOW, THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!" She acts depressed and her insecurities are annoying me. Obviously it doesn't annoy him, and he goes back to kiss her.
Time to get a rose, or hit the road.
Ashley S, Emily and Shawntal have roses.
Brad begins with the 2nd thoughts speech.
He then chooses:
Michelle (song playing again, she's a crazy bitch)
Chantal (Michelle's new arch-rival)
At this point, the 2nd thoughts speech really kicks in for Twilight and she opts to leave. She cries, he hugs her, she cries and hops in the limo.
Lisa (addicted to tanning)
Jackie (she flew under the radar this week)
Ashley H. (perky, turned pouty dentist)
Marissa (sports chick)
Brit (got nothing)
Alli (still don't like the bow)
Lindsey (the teacher, that's all I got)
Meaghan (told us how Emily was mother Theresa)
Stacey (wicked awesome bartender)
Going home are Twilight, Kimberly and Sarah. Kimberly does the "I'm still awesome, F Brad" speech, and Sarah cries. Don't worry, I'm sure there is a mini bar in the limo.
Previews for next week - Date with Chantal, group date on a radio show, Ashley H starting to lose it. Crazy Michelle continues to be crazy. I can't wait to see how she gets the black eye!
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