The epic battle that no one cares about....

Ah, another week of cat fights, tears, cheese and wine. Lucky for me, I only participate in the cheese and wine part! This week's cheese - tintern, a semi-soft Welsh cheese with chives and shallots. See the end of my blog for the grilled cheese sandwich. And my wine - a nice Petite Syrah. My guilty pleasure. Well deserved after the weekend I had. Wine and cheese makes everything better.

Now, for the show.

First date one on one date goes to Ashley H., the perky dentist. Oh, the other Ashley is perky too, just not right now since she didn't get the date. Brad tells us he has the most amazing night planned for Ashley. At this point, why can't they just say the production assistants set it all up? Ashley comes bounding down the stairs in a cute silver top, paired with a light yellow tu-tu looking skirt. Love the top, hate the skirt.
They arrive at their destination, which appears to be a dark, deserted road where he will kill her and dump her body. Oh wait, actually it's a carnival! And is it just me, or does anyone else find a deserted carnival a little creepy as well?
The run through the carnival and play games and ride rides. Good thing they held off on giving them booze until after the rides.
Back at the mansion, the girls bemoan their current lack of dates with Brad, but not lack of boobs. Group date card arrives. 8 girls are named, and Raichel is one of them and she whines about how big the group is. And wait! We aren't done. And the grand total comes to 15! I rub my hands together gleefully as I am sure this group date will contain drama, trust me it did not disappoint. Crazy Michelle then announces it's her birthday. This will be a repetitive theme throughout the date. Trust me.

Back at the creepy carnival of 2 people, Brad and Ashley take pictures and then make out. Finally it's dinner, drinking and discussing time. Is it just me, or is the Ashley's favorite word "okay" as much as the other Ashley likes "like". Likes like. HA HA. I crack myself up.
Anyway.... she then tells him her father is not part of her life, and he tells him about her dad. I'm actually very proud of Brad for opening up. They bond, it's kind of sweet. She gets the rose. They ride the Ferris wheel and make out.

We now move on to the drama of the group date. Oh the potential for meltdowns, drama and snippy remarks. The date is filming a PSA for giving blood. I figure it will star Twilight/Madison. Was anyone else disappointed she barely made the footage, even though her costume was a skin-tight black leather outfit? My theory - except for those fangs of hers, she must be really boring.

Back to the PSA, they have them do spoofs of telenovelas. Stacey gets to kiss him first. And then Emily does as they "fight" over him. They have to do the scene over and over. And Stacey continues to stick her tongue down Brad's throat as the other girls watch in horror. Uh, you know what you signed up for, right? At this point Melissa is the first one to let the wheels come off the bus, and busts into the scene and kisses Brad too. Not the right move.

Keltie pouts because she is dressed as a "butch". Yeah, the lumberjack look is not really be-fitting of the Rockettes dancer, which totally makes me giggle. I know, I'm a terrible person. No worries, I have wine to console myself.

And now to the birthday girl, Michelle. Wait, there's a birthday? I didn't realize that, I mean, she only told us 500 times. She spends the group date pouting about what a bummer her 30th birthday is being on a group date. Look, here's the funny things about birthdays, they tend to occur on the SAME DAY EVERY YEAR. As well, MOST people are aware of when it's coming up. So, next time, check your calendar and don't sign up for reality shows and plan your own f'n birthday party just like I do. They finally wrap up this shoot, I grab some more wine. And my potato soup is finally done. Damn, I can cook.
Crazy Michelle continues to whine. Brit shocks everyone in her 3-way scene by acting like she's a porn star, and Keltie continues to look butch. Michelle's, poor pitiful me routine works. But then again, the girl is hot. Her earrings are HUGE. She says kissing him will cause fireworks to go off. I'm hoping it's a light bulb in Brad's head alerting him she's crazy.

Anyway, the party moves to the Roosevelt club in LA. They get the rooftop. Not sure that crazy girls, booze, and a rooftop are a great idea.
Michelle continues to talk about her birthday. Someone shove some cake in that piehole of hers. And the drama unfolds. Melissa claims if she doesn't get any one on one time and feel the connection, she's leaving. She gets her one on one time, and doesn't leave! She tries to explain why she jumped in the scene, and says she's not crazy. I'm shocked she doesn't leave, almost as shocked as I am that my damn wine glass is empty again. Garcon! Oh, crap, I'm at home. BRB.
Crazy Michelle talks about how all the girls are trying to get up on her man. Once again, you saw the previous shows, right????? And I hate her necklace.

Now this is were it gets weird, or junior high-ish, take your pick. Raichel and Marissa corner Melissa to ask her if she told Brad she was considering leaving. Well, of course she didn't, because she DID get her one on one. Raichel pounces on that and calls her a liar. Both of them then plan on out all the cool insults they are going to write in every one's slam books. Melissa cries and Raichel stomps off. Chantal has watched the show and knows that all she has to do is sit back and wait. Those two will cancel each other out.

Jackie gets the next one on one date. The rest of the girls contemplate clawing her eyes out.

Now time for the group date rose, and Brad gives it to................. the birthday girl, and says she deserves it. Is it just me, or is Brad quick to give out those roses early in the date? Michelle is smug and the other girls are pissed. Hmm, where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, every other episode.

The date ends and the girls return to the house. Raichel goes on facebook and posts "OMG, Melissa is a liar, because she lied by OMISSION". Oh snap. Melissa responds with "I quit my job for this, and I'm really a nice girl". Melissa - life lesson #1 - never quit your job for a man.

Jackie gets her one on one date. They hit a spa at a ritzy hotel in Beverly Hills. He then takes her to a huge hotel room and it's filled with evening dresses. Talk about jealous, and yes, I mean me! And likely every other woman in the world. She gets her hair and make up done, and then from the looks of it, picks the worst dress of the bunch. Sigh. And girl, WHAT did they do to your hair? Anyway, they head to their date, at the Hollywood Bowl. Train is the entertainment. Glad I'm not on that date. I'm just not a Train fan. Sorry.
But before that, they have dinner, and she has a few concerns, and he's worried she's closed off. He gives her the rose anyway. They dance and make out.

So the cocktail party begins. YES! Booze and more drama. Let me refill as well. First thing, Crazy Michelle (who already has a rose) steals Brad away for some alone time and 2 important questions. Starbucks or the Coffee Bean? And what is always in your refrigerator? I scream Starbucks and BEER! Oh wait, she's not asking me. Really, are these your deal breakers? You have got to be kidding me. One, you have a rose and now all the girls are pissed at you. Two, you have a chance to ask him important questions and you need to know where the man gets his coffee and what is in his f'n fridge? My deal-breakers are smoking and they have to like animals. For Crazy Michelle, it's where to get latte, and apparently always having eggs. Wow. They both agree on Starbucks and eggs. A match made in heaven. Insert your own eye roll here.
I'm distracted by the thing on Keltie's head. Michelle tells a few of the girls her "important" questions. Emily thought she was kidding. Emily tells us she doesn't care where he gets his coffee. Emily continues to climb to the top of the list.
And now the epic battle that only Melissa and Raichel care about continues. Melissa tells Raichel she's rude and fake. Lindsay wants to crawl under the couch. Raichel tells Melissa to go away, and Melissa won't. So Raichel gives her the talk to the hand and says "I will not have you obstruct the rest of my life". Really? Do you have a sister in junior that gave you that line?
Once again, I get distracted by the thing on Keltie's head. The drama continues as Raichel tells the other girls what a bitch Melissa is. Ashley S. tries to to talk some sense into both of them. She actually sounded smart for a moment.
Melissa continues to cry. No one really cares. Raichel then brings religion into it. She says Jesus loves HER and she will stay because the Lord knows better. Seriously??? I think God has way better things to do than worry about who stays on a reality TV show.
Melissa tries to explain it to Brad, burying herself further. She tells him that Raichel is targeting her and calls her an "energy suck". Brad looks perplexed, but holds it in, and mentally targets her for the limo ride to the airport.
Brad then seeks out Raichel and she cries and tells him how horrible it has been, and how she's not normally like this. Brad hugs her, and puts an X on her too.
Then her comes Chris Harrison with a suprise. Roberto and Alli are here! WOOOOHOOO. (that was the girls in the house, not me)
Alli has finally lost those bad hair extensions.
They start "interviewing the girls" and we find out it's Michelle's birthday. Really? Like we didn't hear you the first 500 times!
Keltie gets her turn. Now I am not just distracted by the thing on her head, those feather earrings are troublesome for me too.
The epic battle that no one cares about continues. Melissa then gets her turn with Alli and Roberto and thinks that she will understand her plight. Melissa tells Alli she is just "that girl in the house that has been targeted this week". Melissa, Melissa, did you NOT watch Jake's show. You basically just said you were Vienna. Hey, speaking of Vienna, I bet she can get you a job at Hooter's after you get sent home. Roberto and Alli ask Chantal for the lowdown on the epic battle, and she lets them in on a secret we already know - both girls are idiots. Which I am sure they relay to Brad. They have the "power of the rose". They give the rose to Emily. And she continues to move up every one's list.
Rose ceremony time. Dentist Ashley, Michelle, Jackie and Emily already have roses. 3 girls are going home.
He chooses:
Chantal O. - not last this time
Sarah - Last week she knew her name, this week it's "Christmas"
Allie - self proclaimed J-Lo booty
Kimberly - blond (that's all I got)
Shawntel - Funeral director
Stacey - wicked awesome
Ashley S. - the new Tenley
Madison - Fangs, but boring
Lisa - step away from the tanning booth
Marissa - sports chick
Meaghan - self-proclaimed fashionista
Lindsey - the teacher from Dallas
Brit - I'm shy but I acted like a porn star today.

Going home, Keltie and her thing on head, and the 2 drama queens, Raichel and Melissa. Then Keltie tells us she is awkward and maybe she's just meant to be alone. Oh, I actually feel bad for her. Keltie, I'm sure there is some goofball of a guy out there for you. Then she loses me by claiming the show is her last ditch effort. Honey, we've all tried everything, you just have to get back up on the horse.

Melissa feels that the other girls pushed her over the edge. No, you went jumping off that cliff yourself.

Raichel and her huge ta-tas make it outside. They deserve better. I mean she does.

Previews for next week - more Crazy Michelle. Ashley/Tenley and Emily's story. And someone wants to go home.
Then the extra footage shows Keltie trying to rap. Please don't EVER do that again.

Now, for the kick ass grilled cheese sandwich. Use Tintern, a semi-soft welsh cheese. I also mixed a little softened butter and olive oil w/Italian seasoning and brushed on the outside of the bread. Then grill w/the flat plates. OMG. Best grilled cheese ever.