Home town dates - there is roller skating, drinking, dancing and money being thrown around? WTH? JP's insecurities continue and all the mom's worry about their boys.
Ashley talks about the guys with us over a cup of coffee. Forget the coffee, give me a glass of wine. No other way to get through this. Ben has long hair, Constantine is her physical kind of guy, Ames is nerdy, and JP is comfortable, but jealous. Oh, and she has a little fluffball of a dog. Sorry little fluffball, you are getting left again. More travel time.
First up, Constantine in Atlanta. They meet in a park and have some stupid, teenage sounding conversation. Off to the restaurant he owns to meet his parents and sister. He's Greek, but the restaurant is Italian. Hey, everyone loves Italian food. They make a pizza, and she does not have on a hair net. Health code violation. At least they put on gloves to make the salad. They leave the restaurant and it's time to meet the parents. Side note, they have a little fluffball of a dog too. Now they are eating authentic Greek food. Looks delicious! I'm more excited about the food and wish the dad would turn this into a cooking show. His mom asks her if she will move. Yep, she's up for re-location. Both ladies are happy. I'm just bored.
Now it's time for the father/son talk. Dad wants to make sure he is not rushed. Um, have you watched this show before?
Surprise time. It's Constantine's entire family shows up. And I mean, entire family. They start the Greek dancing and then Dimitri (the dad) makes it rain. Not raining like we need in our drought stricken area, the way that would make strippers happy. The date mercifully comes to an end, but thankfully, there is still wine in my glass. Well, not for long.
I refill my wine glass, and we move on to the countryside in New York with Ames. Holy crap, his sister looks like him, she has the same forehead. Crap, and so does his brother. Talk about genetics! Ashley makes him tell the muay-Thai boxing story. Somehow she doesn't get the blame for him getting knocked the F out.
Ashley gets the grilling from his sister. Ashley tells the sister that Ames is a man. Wow, she is really paying attention. Look, maybe he's not gay, maybe he's just metro. Either way, the chemistry isn't quite there, and it seems like Ames still has that concussion. His sister is convinced he is perfect. His mom is observant as well and tells Ashley they are both adults. Sigh. I am going to finish this entire bottle of wine.
Ames and his sister have a conversation. She tries to light a fire under him. (make your own flaming joke, it's just too easy) They talk some more and all I hear is when she says "That's what she said". Snort.
Ames decides to "bring the romance". And he takes her on his "typical" afternoon. A picnic under a magnolia tree. Yep, gay. She seems to think they have one mind. Someone tell him to quit hogging it. Blech. He uses more big and fancy words about romance. They then take a horse drawn carriage. It's so romantic. Blech. Is this date over yet?
Halfway through this episode. Ah, Sonoma, California. Hello wine country! Oh, and hello to you too, Ben. She gets a tour of pure bliss. I mean, the winery. And they get to do wine tastings. We all know how jealous I am at this point. Oh, and I love the wine glasses. Okay, moving on. They have some boring conversation and drink wine, as do all the rest of us.
On to dinner with his family. It's his mom and sister. There is awkward hugging. They discuss how wonderful his hair is. Okay, then. It turns out his sister signed him up for the show. And now she tells us she is skeptical. Make up your mind!
Ben's mom shows Ashley the growing up pictures. Ben talks about his emotions some more. This guy is a bit of a nerd, I think they are a good match. Just pick him and let's end this snoozefest. Ben cries a bit, but it's about his dad who died, so I just can't make fun of that.
Finally. It's the last date. JP takes her for a "surprise". They go roller skating. Neither have been roller skating in years. So this will be interesting. Then 80's music is added, lights are dimmed and the disco ball drops. She used to figure skate, so she does well, and he bites the dust. They kiss more than anything. Apparently he has had his heart broken, that will become a theme.
They have dinner, and then his brother tells the camera that he's worried he will get hurt. Then his mother tells the camera that. See, what I mean about the theme. She tells JP that too. This makes me think he will be the next Bachelor. It will be too easy to keep reminding us how he had his heart broken. There is more discussion about his heart break. And then the date finally ends. Finally. This is making me wish I had 2 bottles of wine. JP wishes he had 2 bottles of wine when his mom brings out his picture from his bar mitzvah. Corey Feldman meets Blackie (John Stamos on General Hospital)
Rose ceremony time. Chris Harrison f's it all up and reminds her that last time they were there, she cancelled the party due to Bentley. Sigh, I thought we were done with that. She recaps the home dates. She says Constantine date was the best one. With Ames, she says how much she learns from him. Hmm, maybe he's just too smart for her. Ben is a winemaker and emotional. JP has a wonderful family. And Ashley has no regrets.
The 3 roses go to Ben, JP and Constantine.
Good bye to over-educated, fancy word-using, "romantic" Ames. He puts his positive spin on it and tries not to get upset. I have to wonder if this guy is every mad, or just on major strong Prozac, because no one can be that freaking positive and cheery 100% of the time. On the limo ride home, he says he was in love. He rambles on more of the usual BS and I want to give him my glass of wine so he will shut the hell up.
Previews of next week - they are going to Fiji! There are helicopters, boats and waterfalls. Someone comes back, and her tatted up sister is mean to her.
Outtake - she takes an order at Constantine's restaurant. Still in health code violation. I'm sure her hair is in his food after she carries the tray.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Lanterns, moped, "money" and tankless hot water heaters
This week, the Bachelorette takes it to Taiwan. The 4 that leave with her, get the home town dates. 6 left, 2 will go, 4 will show end up showing America if their family is normal or not.
Oh, and Chris Harrison "interviews" Emily about her break up with Brad. Spoiler alert - get ready for "you know". You know?
So let's get to it.
Ashley blabs about how she's on yet another fresh start. She gives us the low down on the guys - Ryan is safe, Lucas is a good guy, Ames is awkward, Ben is nice, and Constantine is hot (in her opinion) and not much else. And JP makes her feel secure, even if he is not. More on that later.
Chris Harrison greets the "fellas". He does the "6 - 2 =4 home town dates" math for them. Group dates has a rose, solo dates don't.
Constantine gets the first one on one date. He's puts on an ugly shirt while JP whines and acts like a girl. Yeah, I said that.
So back to Constantine and Ashley - they take a train to a little town. Again, she is wearing ridiculously high heels. How can her feet not be killing her?
Also, since it has been pointed out she has such little boobs, they keep giving her backless shirts.
They take a train to a small village.
Constantine: It's like we are going back in time.
Me: No, it's just a small village in a different country with a different way of life. Genius.
We find out why they are sent to this obscure village. A Lantern festival. He gives her a piggy-back ride while walking down the train tracks. Not sure what that was about, except that he's a big dude, and she's itty-bitty, so he can. I am also not sure what irritates me the most about it, the fact that it is a) pointless b) necessary because there are rocks and she has on stilettos, or c) no man could ever carry me that way. Moving on now.
They paint a lantern and call it their "love lantern". And then their "wish will come true" when they release it. They paint it with what they want from love. They get all the basics - love, wedding, marriage, family, and longevity. Nothing about who pays the bills, how money is spent, who mows the yard or who does the housework. I mean, those are just details, right?
Back in the suite, the next solo date card arrives and it goes to Ben. Ryan and JP almost blow a gasket. Ames is the one who read the card so he uses his Harvard/Columbia/Princeton education to ascertain that the clue in the date card should read "gorgeous" but says "gorges".
Back to finish the first date, Constantine and Ashley have their dinner portion of the date. She admits that she finds him quite attractive. He finds her genuine. And then she asks him when he's going to fall in love with her. For some reason, they discuss Brad again. Seriously, let that go. At least it wasn't Bentley. They like each other, but he's going slow. And she's okay with that, well, for now.
Arg, is this damn date over yet? No, they have to go release that stupid balloon so their wish will come true.
And then everyone else let's their balloons go. This lantern wish thing is big!
Now it's time for Ben's date. They take a moped to explore the park. She does her best Jillian squeal and they take off.
He tells us they are going places. No duh, you are driving the moped.
He calls her kiddo, I want to barf but I drink wine instead. Better option.
She feels like he's the man because he's driving the moped. Sigh. That joke is too easy. Again, make your own.
Back to the other dudes, tensions rise. The group date card arrives, and Ryan uses his entrepreneurial skills to deduce that whoever isn't on the group date, gets a one on one date. I'll cut through the agony here. He gets the one on one, while JP seethes with jealousy and gets group time along with Ames and Lucas.
Back to end Ben and Ashley's one on one. She's wearing a black bubble skirt.. I think I wore one of those to Homecoming one year.
Ben tells us he thinks he is in love. However, they discuss the possibility of a home town date. At this point, he is the front runner to me. And he dances around telling her that he is in love. It's boring, so we are going to move on.
Group date time, but wait. Ben hasn't made it home from his one on one date yet. JP isn't handling this well. He is starting to remind me of Crazy Michelle (2nd one, Michelle Money). More on that later.
Ben shows up, and admits he slept in his own room.
So let's start the group date, where JP is going to pull a "Money". Again, more on that later.
They group date is taking Taiwanese wedding photos. She asks the guys if they are excited, and they lie and say they are.
I'd like to take a moment here and point out a few things. Where are all the fun dates where they pile into a chauffeured car and get served booze? And where is the booze on the dates? I mean, did Tim from the first show drink up all the booze they had in the budget? At this point, I shall surmise the only one getting booze on this date is me, so I better refill my glass of wine.
For the first shoot, the guys get dressed. Lucas gets a gold dress. Ames gets Wayne Newton's Vegas suit, and JP gets a plain tux. The wardrobe guys must have been sick of listening to him bitch.
And now JP is "money". Again, more on that later.
Lucas and Ashley take pictures first - in his gold dress. Which apparently is the traditional Taiwanese dress. And they kiss in one of the pictures. JP continues to be "money".
Now Ames gets his turn, and he pretends to be Elton John (yes, as in he once married a woman, follow me here). And JP continues his "money" show.
He gets his turn with pictures, the only one in normal dress and he continues to pout. They muddle through the pictures and finally we get to the cocktail party. Hopefully they will bust out with some booze for these guys.
A quick aside - the date card arrives for Ryan. He is thrilled and pumped. Like we expected anything less.
Time to end the group date - JP finishes the "money" move. And now, finally I will explain. Remember the group date on Brad's season with the telenova date. Michelle Money, pouted, whined, cried and told us every 2 minutes it was her birthday. She whined to Brad about it and he ended up giving her the rose. Same thing works for JP. With the exception, it wasn't his birthday. So, that kids, is how a "money" move is done.
Time for Ryan's date. I'm going to summarize a bit here. They visit a temple with chanting people. He says it's romantic. Okay, whatever floats your boat. I find it interesting, not sure what is romantic about people chanting in a language I can't understand. Anyway, long story short, he talks about tankless hot water heaters, and she sends him home. He's shocked, can't believe it and cries. Look, you will find some girl to love. And I sure she will sew her own clothes, have her own compost and solar panels. I just know it. However, Ryan, keep in mind, while tankless hot water heaters are effective, apparently they aren't sexy.
Ashley meets with Chris Harrison, tells him she has her mind made up (again, what is with denying these guys a few free drinks!)
Roses and home town dates go to - JP (he had his from the "money" act), Constantine, Ben and Ames.
Lucas goes home, and we all know all he has to do is hit a few country bars and he'll have plenty of fillies following him home.
Now, it's time for Emily's interview. This is not going to take me long to recap for you. Because, well, we know. You know? It's sad. You know? I mean, you know? Paparazzi, my daughter, you know? It's sad. You know? Yes, yes, know we know. Except that we don't. So I'll draw my own conclusions here. Either she was never really into him, or he had a bad temper, or she now saw all the cool places Ashley got to go and wants her own show. Take your pick.
Previews of next week - there is roller skating, horse drawn carriages, pizza making and Constantine's dad mistakes her for a stripper. And Ben cries, but is happy.
Outtake - She and Constantine have to sit down (her shoes) and the love lantern is on the ground, and dog pees on it. Well, so much for that wish.
Oh, and Chris Harrison "interviews" Emily about her break up with Brad. Spoiler alert - get ready for "you know". You know?
So let's get to it.
Ashley blabs about how she's on yet another fresh start. She gives us the low down on the guys - Ryan is safe, Lucas is a good guy, Ames is awkward, Ben is nice, and Constantine is hot (in her opinion) and not much else. And JP makes her feel secure, even if he is not. More on that later.
Chris Harrison greets the "fellas". He does the "6 - 2 =4 home town dates" math for them. Group dates has a rose, solo dates don't.
Constantine gets the first one on one date. He's puts on an ugly shirt while JP whines and acts like a girl. Yeah, I said that.
So back to Constantine and Ashley - they take a train to a little town. Again, she is wearing ridiculously high heels. How can her feet not be killing her?
Also, since it has been pointed out she has such little boobs, they keep giving her backless shirts.
They take a train to a small village.
Constantine: It's like we are going back in time.
Me: No, it's just a small village in a different country with a different way of life. Genius.
We find out why they are sent to this obscure village. A Lantern festival. He gives her a piggy-back ride while walking down the train tracks. Not sure what that was about, except that he's a big dude, and she's itty-bitty, so he can. I am also not sure what irritates me the most about it, the fact that it is a) pointless b) necessary because there are rocks and she has on stilettos, or c) no man could ever carry me that way. Moving on now.
They paint a lantern and call it their "love lantern". And then their "wish will come true" when they release it. They paint it with what they want from love. They get all the basics - love, wedding, marriage, family, and longevity. Nothing about who pays the bills, how money is spent, who mows the yard or who does the housework. I mean, those are just details, right?
Back in the suite, the next solo date card arrives and it goes to Ben. Ryan and JP almost blow a gasket. Ames is the one who read the card so he uses his Harvard/Columbia/Princeton education to ascertain that the clue in the date card should read "gorgeous" but says "gorges".
Back to finish the first date, Constantine and Ashley have their dinner portion of the date. She admits that she finds him quite attractive. He finds her genuine. And then she asks him when he's going to fall in love with her. For some reason, they discuss Brad again. Seriously, let that go. At least it wasn't Bentley. They like each other, but he's going slow. And she's okay with that, well, for now.
Arg, is this damn date over yet? No, they have to go release that stupid balloon so their wish will come true.
And then everyone else let's their balloons go. This lantern wish thing is big!
Now it's time for Ben's date. They take a moped to explore the park. She does her best Jillian squeal and they take off.
He tells us they are going places. No duh, you are driving the moped.
He calls her kiddo, I want to barf but I drink wine instead. Better option.
She feels like he's the man because he's driving the moped. Sigh. That joke is too easy. Again, make your own.
Back to the other dudes, tensions rise. The group date card arrives, and Ryan uses his entrepreneurial skills to deduce that whoever isn't on the group date, gets a one on one date. I'll cut through the agony here. He gets the one on one, while JP seethes with jealousy and gets group time along with Ames and Lucas.
Back to end Ben and Ashley's one on one. She's wearing a black bubble skirt.. I think I wore one of those to Homecoming one year.
Ben tells us he thinks he is in love. However, they discuss the possibility of a home town date. At this point, he is the front runner to me. And he dances around telling her that he is in love. It's boring, so we are going to move on.
Group date time, but wait. Ben hasn't made it home from his one on one date yet. JP isn't handling this well. He is starting to remind me of Crazy Michelle (2nd one, Michelle Money). More on that later.
Ben shows up, and admits he slept in his own room.
So let's start the group date, where JP is going to pull a "Money". Again, more on that later.
They group date is taking Taiwanese wedding photos. She asks the guys if they are excited, and they lie and say they are.
I'd like to take a moment here and point out a few things. Where are all the fun dates where they pile into a chauffeured car and get served booze? And where is the booze on the dates? I mean, did Tim from the first show drink up all the booze they had in the budget? At this point, I shall surmise the only one getting booze on this date is me, so I better refill my glass of wine.
For the first shoot, the guys get dressed. Lucas gets a gold dress. Ames gets Wayne Newton's Vegas suit, and JP gets a plain tux. The wardrobe guys must have been sick of listening to him bitch.
And now JP is "money". Again, more on that later.
Lucas and Ashley take pictures first - in his gold dress. Which apparently is the traditional Taiwanese dress. And they kiss in one of the pictures. JP continues to be "money".
Now Ames gets his turn, and he pretends to be Elton John (yes, as in he once married a woman, follow me here). And JP continues his "money" show.
He gets his turn with pictures, the only one in normal dress and he continues to pout. They muddle through the pictures and finally we get to the cocktail party. Hopefully they will bust out with some booze for these guys.
A quick aside - the date card arrives for Ryan. He is thrilled and pumped. Like we expected anything less.
Time to end the group date - JP finishes the "money" move. And now, finally I will explain. Remember the group date on Brad's season with the telenova date. Michelle Money, pouted, whined, cried and told us every 2 minutes it was her birthday. She whined to Brad about it and he ended up giving her the rose. Same thing works for JP. With the exception, it wasn't his birthday. So, that kids, is how a "money" move is done.
Time for Ryan's date. I'm going to summarize a bit here. They visit a temple with chanting people. He says it's romantic. Okay, whatever floats your boat. I find it interesting, not sure what is romantic about people chanting in a language I can't understand. Anyway, long story short, he talks about tankless hot water heaters, and she sends him home. He's shocked, can't believe it and cries. Look, you will find some girl to love. And I sure she will sew her own clothes, have her own compost and solar panels. I just know it. However, Ryan, keep in mind, while tankless hot water heaters are effective, apparently they aren't sexy.
Ashley meets with Chris Harrison, tells him she has her mind made up (again, what is with denying these guys a few free drinks!)
Roses and home town dates go to - JP (he had his from the "money" act), Constantine, Ben and Ames.
Lucas goes home, and we all know all he has to do is hit a few country bars and he'll have plenty of fillies following him home.
Now, it's time for Emily's interview. This is not going to take me long to recap for you. Because, well, we know. You know? It's sad. You know? I mean, you know? Paparazzi, my daughter, you know? It's sad. You know? Yes, yes, know we know. Except that we don't. So I'll draw my own conclusions here. Either she was never really into him, or he had a bad temper, or she now saw all the cool places Ashley got to go and wants her own show. Take your pick.
Previews of next week - there is roller skating, horse drawn carriages, pizza making and Constantine's dad mistakes her for a stripper. And Ben cries, but is happy.
Outtake - She and Constantine have to sit down (her shoes) and the love lantern is on the ground, and dog pees on it. Well, so much for that wish.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Tears, Dragons, and 8 Angry Men, Oh My!
Previously - Bentley is an ass, she likes Bentley, Bentley is an ass, Bentley is gone, she still likes Bentley. Got it? Good, someone get that girl some wine and tissue and let her cry it out. Speaking of crying... (or should I say dot, dot, dot)
Let's start with the tears. What makes Ashley cry? Well, a lot of things, but are going to talk about Bentley.
We begin with Chris Harrison visiting Ashley. He wants to slap her for being such an idiot about Bentley, but instead, he gently tells her that she needs to get her closure, and that he is here.
Ashley: Shut Up!
Me: Hey, that was Emily's line.
Chris Harrison tells her to talk to him, and to NAIL HIS ASS down on a commitment or ending it.You know he's just itching to show her the video of what a jack ass this guy is.
So off Ashley goes in her leggings, blousy men's night shirt and very high heels.
Ashley takes one look around the room and says "This is a really nice room". And with that, I felt like I could actually see the wheels spinning in her head. Hey, maybe she will catch on!
She and Bentley then have a very awkward conversation. He tries to tell her he was unsure, but then finally says, well, I guess we can change it from dot, dot, dot to a period. She drops an F bomb on him (should have slapped him too) and says, hey, you could have called me and said that. And with that statement, yes, the light bulb in her head finally came on - "oh, you just wanted a vaca?". And with that statement she realizes she owes Michelle Money an apology for not believing her. She also owes us an apology for having to listen to her drone on about that jack ass, but then again, I guess we choose to watch it. Good thing I have wine.
Feeling foolish, yet empowered, she heads back to her room to "forget all about Bentley".
Let's hope at this time, Chris Harrison has the production assistants pack up Bentley's ass and send him back home. No more free vacations for you! However, my guess is that snake brokered a deal where he gets to stay in that posh room for a few days. Someone warn the women of Hong Kong. No good could come of this.
Moving on now, Ashley is ready for her one on one date with Lucas. Ah, the tall Texan. He has never been to any big city - not even New York City! Hey, I remember the first time I went to New York City, yes, it was a tad overwhelming, and I felt like a hick, but really, it wasn't that big of deal.
They head out on yet another "Street Market" date. They have a good time, and then of course, end up on a boat. If you would like to see something more entertaining, youtube SNL's parody "I'm on a boat". Despite "forgetting about Bentley" she drops a few more Bentleys in her interview portion.
Dinner proceeds, and Lucas talks about his divorce being painful, and now moving on because this is just too boring. She is eating all of this up, and gives him the rose, and they make out.
Now, enter the Dragon. It's group date time. 6 of the men (Blake, Ryan, Constantine, Ben, Ames and Mickey) are on this date and they meet her on the beach.
She has 3 really, really big canoes. Or, as they like to call them, Dragon Boats. Today's adventure, the guys are paired up, and have to go find people willing to help them in their dragon boat race.
Blake is with Ryan. Oh, the irony. Well, more like the producers giggling amongst themselves for that set up. The other two are Ames and Mickey and Ben and Constantine.
Each pair heads out into the city. The have issues with the language barrier, but for the most part, stay persistent and do okay. Well, except Ben and Constantine, more about that in a minute.
For once, Blake is happy to let Ryan do all the talking, and he rounds up some people. Ames and Mickey hit pay dirt and find an actual dragon boat rower and he calls his pals. At this point, Ben and Constantine have given up and decide to go out in style and buy red dragon kimonos. Apparently parading around in a red dragon kimono in Hong Kong instantly gets you a group of followers. Ames is hoping that he can borrow the kimono when all is said and done.
So the race begins and Ashley sits at the front of one of the boats, banging a drum and screeching "faster". Someone please do us a favor and knock her off the perch with a paddle.
Ames and Mickey end up winning, they hang out on the beach. And right next to them, a couple gets engaged. Ashley points out that could be one of them soon.
Ashley: Who's next?
Crickets: Chirp, chirp.
Now it's the cocktail, hip, lounge party time. She and Ames take the elevator to the top of the building. Where he kisses her. She is surprised, just like the rest of us. Maybe he just didn't want her to talk. The get off on the 48th floor and check out the view. Arg, we can't go 5 minutes without Bentley - where she says she regrets wasting so much time with Bentley.
Back at the hotel - JP's date care arrives. Let's hope she doesn't ruin this date like the last one where she was whining over Bentley. dot, dot, dot
Back on the group date, it's now Ben's turn to make out with her. I'm not digging his 1980's yellow sweater. He's falling in love. He might be a good match for her.
Blake bitches about Ryan again. Then Ben joins in. Ryan is sporting a bit of scruff. Is it me, or does he look like a hetero George Michael? Anyway, more of the guys bitch about Ryan, and we all know where this leads. He gets the rose.
Constantine: Some people like cheese.
Me: ME! ME! ME! Oh, not that kind of cheese. Carry on.
Time for JP's one on one. Please, for the love of God, I hope they do NOT talk about Bentley. However, that is just not to be. They have dinner in some Chinese zodiac garden. Is that sake? Sake bombs! Oh, again, that's me. Carry on.
They talk about past relationships and other mushy stuff. She then tells him that Bentley had been there. For some reason, she is very nervous about it. Which I find stupid, but whatever. He takes it in stride. She assures him that she got the closure she needed. Man, is she really going to feel dumb when she sees all the things that Bentley said about her. She and JP kiss, and of course she gives him the rose. And finally she doesn't do the "I might not give it to you" thing. They make out more while my friend Kai seethes with jealousy as JP is her man! They ride a train, go on a roof top and make out more.
Now, the fun stuff begins. She shows up in a really, really cute silver dress. Holy crap! How did she get those A cup boobs to look like that? Oh yeah, those sticky cups from Victoria's Secret. Er, not that I would know anything about that.
Anyway, she livens up the party by dropping the Bentley bomb. She tells them she got the closure she needed, and that she was glad it is done. And it goes over like the proverbial lead balloon. Constantine talks smack, then Lucas jumps in, and then Blake jumps in and gives her the ass-chewing she deserves. She takes a break and cries. The guys bitch. JP and Ryan handle it well, sort of.
Ryan: I handled it well, my blood pressure didn't even move.
Me: Is that what the big breath and face was for when she announced it?
Ames also takes it well, and talks about fairy tales with her. Speaking of fairies, oh forget it, I have beat that one to death.
Then Blake takes her aside to bitch at her some more. He bitches about the group dates and how they might not be in sync. Hey, are you writing your ticket home or what? Then she cries and Blake feels bad and has a change of heart.
Then Mickey tells her she lied to them. And he has serious questions, blah, blah, and what did you see in Bentley. He then tells her if she liked Bentley, that she should send him home. She tells him to take the initiative and leave. In other words, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. She puts him on a slow boat out of China. The rest of the guys will miss their buddy. Mickey, come to my house, I'll make you happy. Oh, did I say that out loud?
She cries again and finally Chris Harrison drags her away so she can figure out which one guy is going home.
She thinks and the guys continue to bitch. JP drops the bomb that he already knew. And they whine some more while she cries to Chris Harrison.
Finally, it's rose ceremony time. Since Mickey already left, only one goes home. Yep, it's Blake. Bet he regrets chewing her out now! He handles it well and wishes her luck. And he goes back to bitching about Bentley. Ugh, I am so sick of that guy! Aw, Blake says all he wants is a friend. That joke is too easy. Make your own.
Ashley tells the remaining guys that they are going to Taiwan. Cheers.
Coming up - more kissing, dates, and of course, drama. Someone else leaves and comes back again. And her heart is totally broken.
The out take - Ashley and Ben show each other how they talk to their dogs. Ben sounds like a Star Wars character. She has a high pitched one, it shatters glass.
Let's start with the tears. What makes Ashley cry? Well, a lot of things, but are going to talk about Bentley.
We begin with Chris Harrison visiting Ashley. He wants to slap her for being such an idiot about Bentley, but instead, he gently tells her that she needs to get her closure, and that he is here.
Ashley: Shut Up!
Me: Hey, that was Emily's line.
Chris Harrison tells her to talk to him, and to NAIL HIS ASS down on a commitment or ending it.You know he's just itching to show her the video of what a jack ass this guy is.
So off Ashley goes in her leggings, blousy men's night shirt and very high heels.
Ashley takes one look around the room and says "This is a really nice room". And with that, I felt like I could actually see the wheels spinning in her head. Hey, maybe she will catch on!
She and Bentley then have a very awkward conversation. He tries to tell her he was unsure, but then finally says, well, I guess we can change it from dot, dot, dot to a period. She drops an F bomb on him (should have slapped him too) and says, hey, you could have called me and said that. And with that statement, yes, the light bulb in her head finally came on - "oh, you just wanted a vaca?". And with that statement she realizes she owes Michelle Money an apology for not believing her. She also owes us an apology for having to listen to her drone on about that jack ass, but then again, I guess we choose to watch it. Good thing I have wine.
Feeling foolish, yet empowered, she heads back to her room to "forget all about Bentley".
Let's hope at this time, Chris Harrison has the production assistants pack up Bentley's ass and send him back home. No more free vacations for you! However, my guess is that snake brokered a deal where he gets to stay in that posh room for a few days. Someone warn the women of Hong Kong. No good could come of this.
Moving on now, Ashley is ready for her one on one date with Lucas. Ah, the tall Texan. He has never been to any big city - not even New York City! Hey, I remember the first time I went to New York City, yes, it was a tad overwhelming, and I felt like a hick, but really, it wasn't that big of deal.
They head out on yet another "Street Market" date. They have a good time, and then of course, end up on a boat. If you would like to see something more entertaining, youtube SNL's parody "I'm on a boat". Despite "forgetting about Bentley" she drops a few more Bentleys in her interview portion.
Dinner proceeds, and Lucas talks about his divorce being painful, and now moving on because this is just too boring. She is eating all of this up, and gives him the rose, and they make out.
Now, enter the Dragon. It's group date time. 6 of the men (Blake, Ryan, Constantine, Ben, Ames and Mickey) are on this date and they meet her on the beach.
She has 3 really, really big canoes. Or, as they like to call them, Dragon Boats. Today's adventure, the guys are paired up, and have to go find people willing to help them in their dragon boat race.
Blake is with Ryan. Oh, the irony. Well, more like the producers giggling amongst themselves for that set up. The other two are Ames and Mickey and Ben and Constantine.
Each pair heads out into the city. The have issues with the language barrier, but for the most part, stay persistent and do okay. Well, except Ben and Constantine, more about that in a minute.
For once, Blake is happy to let Ryan do all the talking, and he rounds up some people. Ames and Mickey hit pay dirt and find an actual dragon boat rower and he calls his pals. At this point, Ben and Constantine have given up and decide to go out in style and buy red dragon kimonos. Apparently parading around in a red dragon kimono in Hong Kong instantly gets you a group of followers. Ames is hoping that he can borrow the kimono when all is said and done.
So the race begins and Ashley sits at the front of one of the boats, banging a drum and screeching "faster". Someone please do us a favor and knock her off the perch with a paddle.
Ames and Mickey end up winning, they hang out on the beach. And right next to them, a couple gets engaged. Ashley points out that could be one of them soon.
Ashley: Who's next?
Crickets: Chirp, chirp.
Now it's the cocktail, hip, lounge party time. She and Ames take the elevator to the top of the building. Where he kisses her. She is surprised, just like the rest of us. Maybe he just didn't want her to talk. The get off on the 48th floor and check out the view. Arg, we can't go 5 minutes without Bentley - where she says she regrets wasting so much time with Bentley.
Back at the hotel - JP's date care arrives. Let's hope she doesn't ruin this date like the last one where she was whining over Bentley. dot, dot, dot
Back on the group date, it's now Ben's turn to make out with her. I'm not digging his 1980's yellow sweater. He's falling in love. He might be a good match for her.
Blake bitches about Ryan again. Then Ben joins in. Ryan is sporting a bit of scruff. Is it me, or does he look like a hetero George Michael? Anyway, more of the guys bitch about Ryan, and we all know where this leads. He gets the rose.
Constantine: Some people like cheese.
Me: ME! ME! ME! Oh, not that kind of cheese. Carry on.
Time for JP's one on one. Please, for the love of God, I hope they do NOT talk about Bentley. However, that is just not to be. They have dinner in some Chinese zodiac garden. Is that sake? Sake bombs! Oh, again, that's me. Carry on.
They talk about past relationships and other mushy stuff. She then tells him that Bentley had been there. For some reason, she is very nervous about it. Which I find stupid, but whatever. He takes it in stride. She assures him that she got the closure she needed. Man, is she really going to feel dumb when she sees all the things that Bentley said about her. She and JP kiss, and of course she gives him the rose. And finally she doesn't do the "I might not give it to you" thing. They make out more while my friend Kai seethes with jealousy as JP is her man! They ride a train, go on a roof top and make out more.
Now, the fun stuff begins. She shows up in a really, really cute silver dress. Holy crap! How did she get those A cup boobs to look like that? Oh yeah, those sticky cups from Victoria's Secret. Er, not that I would know anything about that.
Anyway, she livens up the party by dropping the Bentley bomb. She tells them she got the closure she needed, and that she was glad it is done. And it goes over like the proverbial lead balloon. Constantine talks smack, then Lucas jumps in, and then Blake jumps in and gives her the ass-chewing she deserves. She takes a break and cries. The guys bitch. JP and Ryan handle it well, sort of.
Ryan: I handled it well, my blood pressure didn't even move.
Me: Is that what the big breath and face was for when she announced it?
Ames also takes it well, and talks about fairy tales with her. Speaking of fairies, oh forget it, I have beat that one to death.
Then Blake takes her aside to bitch at her some more. He bitches about the group dates and how they might not be in sync. Hey, are you writing your ticket home or what? Then she cries and Blake feels bad and has a change of heart.
Then Mickey tells her she lied to them. And he has serious questions, blah, blah, and what did you see in Bentley. He then tells her if she liked Bentley, that she should send him home. She tells him to take the initiative and leave. In other words, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. She puts him on a slow boat out of China. The rest of the guys will miss their buddy. Mickey, come to my house, I'll make you happy. Oh, did I say that out loud?
She cries again and finally Chris Harrison drags her away so she can figure out which one guy is going home.
She thinks and the guys continue to bitch. JP drops the bomb that he already knew. And they whine some more while she cries to Chris Harrison.
Finally, it's rose ceremony time. Since Mickey already left, only one goes home. Yep, it's Blake. Bet he regrets chewing her out now! He handles it well and wishes her luck. And he goes back to bitching about Bentley. Ugh, I am so sick of that guy! Aw, Blake says all he wants is a friend. That joke is too easy. Make your own.
Ashley tells the remaining guys that they are going to Taiwan. Cheers.
Coming up - more kissing, dates, and of course, drama. Someone else leaves and comes back again. And her heart is totally broken.
The out take - Ashley and Ben show each other how they talk to their dogs. Ben sounds like a Star Wars character. She has a high pitched one, it shatters glass.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Everyone was Kung Fu Fighting. Well, almost everyone
After the review of last week (she misses Bentley) we start the show. The guys are being bused to Ching Mai. Still probably not spelling it right, but I don't care. Ames shows off his "Harvard/Columbia/Princeton I'm smarter than everyone else education" and give us the low down on the monks, the history and the beauty of the city. It's romantic, or at least it was the last time he and his boyfriend visited.
The guys arrive at their humble abode. And by humble abode, I mean a rocking, unbelievable, resort, private, gorgeous villa. I seethe with jealously. Why can't I be one of the beautiful people? Anyway, the guys are in awe, and now here comes Ashley.
Our lovely bachelorette is strolling through yet another scenic area of Thailand. In heels that would have made Ru Paul proud. They would have made me break my ankle, but that's not what this is about. This is about Ashley opening up, moving forward, and forgetting about Bentley. Except she doesn't.
Back to the fellas - Chris Harrison arrives to give the 411. A one one one date, a group date and the always fun, two on one date. First date card is the one on one date and it goes to our winemaker, Ben F. He's excited. I drink more wine, and wishes he would send me a case from his winery. He tells us he's going to kiss her. Foreshadowing - don't visit a temple for that.
Ames talks about how hard this is, and drops a "pro-cess". Oh, snap, the boy ain't gay, just Canadian. Carry on.
The date with Ben F. is another "toodle through a Thailand town". Well, that's not what the card said, but I'm a big fan of alliteration.
Ashley: I want to see if Ben F. can handle real life.
Me: Shopping and sightseeing in Thailand is real life? Tell the man he has to mow the yard, stop and ask for directions and still ain't getting any tonight and then we'll talk about real life.
So toodle they do, and end their toodling in front of a temple. Ashley asks Ben F. if he wants to kiss her, but then quickly tells him he can't. Not for the same reason as that ding bat Elizabeth from Jake's season did, but because of the sacredness of the temple. So she says they should close their eyes and have a pretend kiss. What, are you 7th graders? Wait, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult 7th graders.
So the toodle portion of the date FINALLY ends, and they finally get to dinner. Ben is awe of the dinner set up, which is amazing (and if you watched the show you know, so I won't describe it) but again, IT'S NOT LIKE SHE SET IT UP HERSELF. Ben tells her his story of his dad dying, and his dating history. She looks bored. I know I am.
Back at the gorgeous villa, the date card arrives for the group date and the names are announced, and the genius of the bunch - William quickly deduces it's him and Ben C. on the 2 on 1 date. William immediately starts talking smack and I wonder why the guys hate Ryan more than him, but whatever. William then gets out his joke book in case they have another chance at comedy. Note to William, remember how badly that went the last time.
Now time to end the Ben F. and Ashley snore fest. They talk about the mushy stuff they want out of life, she gives him a rose, a band and dancing girls show up. Yeah, that's normal. Then they finally kiss, surrounded by dancing girls, flames and music. Seems awkward if you ask me.
Now, back to the group date the REST of the guys are going on. The hint is "Love is worth fighting for". Well, at this point, I am not very excited, as I'm just not a big fighting fan, but I'll go along for the ride. I just better get a good shot of a half naked Nick and his muscles.
They show up for Muay-Thai fight training, while Ashley sports her best aerobics instructor outfit. Doing aerobics would probably work out better for Ames, but, it is not to be.
Ashley: This is my chance to really see masculinity in these guys.
Me: Don't like at Ames. And that is a major summary and foreshadowing at the same time.
So the Muay-Thai boxing training begins and my patience pays off. There is Nick (his muscles), and the rest of the guys, all hot and sweaty and getting their asses handed to them like the contestants on the first day of the Biggest Loser. The training session ends, and the guys are thinking, great, now I can shower up and grab a cold one and hit on this chick. And by cold one, I mean, beer, except for Ames, who surely wants Chardonnay.
Alas, boys, this is not the plan. Now it's time for you to take your one day of training, put on some gear, get in the ring and beat the snot out of each other. What kind of release DID they sign? Oh, and Ames gets stuck with the pink shorts and pink gloves for the fights. Make your own joke, just too easy.
So Ashley is having fun watching and the beat downs begin. First, we get a surprise when Blake schools Lucas. We all thought the Texan would win. Then Mickey gets his ass kicked by JP. And then it's Ames and Ryan. We already saw during the training, that Ames wasn't very good about keeping his hands ups. You would have a better chance of getting this guy to keep his hands up if he was doing the YMCA. So Ryan knocks him about a bit, and the fight is mercifully called. And at this point, Ashley wonders if this was such a good idea. She might not think so, but the producers are thrilled.
Ames takes his seat to watch the rest of the fights. Except he doesn't see a thing, unless you count those little cartoon birdies that are circling his head. Ashley uses her medical training to deduce that Ames isn't feeling so well. She fetches the real doctor on staff and Ames and his pink shorts are carted away to the hospital. I'm sure Ames has no idea where he is going at this point.
Whiles Ames is carted off, Constantine beats up my boy, Nick.
Now it's time for the dinner date portion. Ames is still at the hospital, and Ashley has her first fashion miss. It was a 1980 meets J. Lo/black mini dress/swimsuit cover up.
Ashley tells Ryan he did awesome, he says he wouldn't classify himself as awesome. My guess is probably awesomer.
She notices the bruises on his face. I'm not sure if she is shocked that he had bruises because of the fighting in general, or because he was the one who fought Ames.
Everyone misses Ames. But finally, Ames shows up! He is happy to be back, even though he still has no idea where he is. And he has a concussion, but give that boy some champagne, that'll cure it!
Back at the villa, the date card for the Ben C. and William show down arrives. Is it just me, or is William hammered? He comes up with the "who is, blah, blah, with 2 thumbs? This guy!" joke. Sigh.
Back to the post-concussion party, Ames is still out of it, and now it's time for the guys to start jockeying for one on one time. Blake takes her aside and tells her love is a marathon and immediate relationships concern him. Which immediately makes Ashley think of, barf, Bentley.
Lucas now chats her up. He tells her he is a golfer. Which just thrills her. Yeah, like there aren't a lot of guys who play golf. She asks him how to pretend to golf. First pretend kissing, now pretend golfing. Lucas finds her adorable. And I just don't get it, but I'm not a dude. Anyway, he tells her he could tell Bentley was her type. STOP, STOP, STOP. You are ruining it.
She finally gives out the group date rose, and it goes to Blake. They kiss and he plans their dental practice.
She closes out the date with a group "cheers" to Ames.
Ashley: To Ames!
Ames: Who is Ames?
Seriously, they released him from the hospital?
Time for the 2 on 1 date. This was pretty boring too, so it's summary time.
William: I don't mean to throw anyone under the bus, but Ben C has dating plans back home.
Ben C.: Hey, what just ran over me?
Ashley - Sorry, go home Ben.
Me: Why didn't she say that to Bentley?
Back to the date, William continues to act like a child. She sends him home too. Oh, and is just me, or does her dress look like she belongs in an 80's Whitesnake video?
William heads back home, and from his "don't let the door hit your ass on the way out" interview, someone sign that boy up for counseling.
Williams sh*t gets picked up, and the rest of the guys do the happy dance. Well, mostly Ryan.
Now it's time for the cocktail party. She gives them the "I don't care that Bentley is gone" BS and I don't believe it, and neither do most of them, but they pretend anyway.
Ryan does his schmoozing. Constantine talks to her, and his shirts reminds me of lime sherbet. Constantine is honest that he hasn't been with her enough to know if he is ready to get married. She seems impressed by that. And then bored at the same time. I would say I have no idea what is going on with her, but then I know, it's that jack ass Bentley again.
Ashley: I need closure w/Bentley.
Me: Someone show her the footage of him being a jerk and slam the f'n door shut!
She whines to Chris Harrison again about Bentley. I want to slap her, and so do all of you. So does Chris Harrison, especially when she keeps saying it was "real" with Bentley.
Chris: How do we put this to rest?
Me: SHOW HER THE F'N FOOTAGE.
Ashley talks about that stupid "dot, dot, dot". Again.
Finally, it's the rose ceremony. She keeps: (Blake has one already) Constantine, Lucas, JP, Ames, Mickey and Ryan. Nick and his muscles go home. Hey, you can come do push ups for me anytime!
Now, it's toast time and the news is we are going to Hong Kong!
Next week - The douchebag comes back. Hopefully she finds out what an f'n jerk he is. But the guys aren't thrilled when she tells them he is back. Sounds like there might be a mutiny on the bounty!
Funny outtake - William acts like they are trapped in the compound (a la Blair Witch Project Video), and Ben C plays the same song, over and over on the piano. Mildly amusing.
The guys arrive at their humble abode. And by humble abode, I mean a rocking, unbelievable, resort, private, gorgeous villa. I seethe with jealously. Why can't I be one of the beautiful people? Anyway, the guys are in awe, and now here comes Ashley.
Our lovely bachelorette is strolling through yet another scenic area of Thailand. In heels that would have made Ru Paul proud. They would have made me break my ankle, but that's not what this is about. This is about Ashley opening up, moving forward, and forgetting about Bentley. Except she doesn't.
Back to the fellas - Chris Harrison arrives to give the 411. A one one one date, a group date and the always fun, two on one date. First date card is the one on one date and it goes to our winemaker, Ben F. He's excited. I drink more wine, and wishes he would send me a case from his winery. He tells us he's going to kiss her. Foreshadowing - don't visit a temple for that.
Ames talks about how hard this is, and drops a "pro-cess". Oh, snap, the boy ain't gay, just Canadian. Carry on.
The date with Ben F. is another "toodle through a Thailand town". Well, that's not what the card said, but I'm a big fan of alliteration.
Ashley: I want to see if Ben F. can handle real life.
Me: Shopping and sightseeing in Thailand is real life? Tell the man he has to mow the yard, stop and ask for directions and still ain't getting any tonight and then we'll talk about real life.
So toodle they do, and end their toodling in front of a temple. Ashley asks Ben F. if he wants to kiss her, but then quickly tells him he can't. Not for the same reason as that ding bat Elizabeth from Jake's season did, but because of the sacredness of the temple. So she says they should close their eyes and have a pretend kiss. What, are you 7th graders? Wait, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult 7th graders.
So the toodle portion of the date FINALLY ends, and they finally get to dinner. Ben is awe of the dinner set up, which is amazing (and if you watched the show you know, so I won't describe it) but again, IT'S NOT LIKE SHE SET IT UP HERSELF. Ben tells her his story of his dad dying, and his dating history. She looks bored. I know I am.
Back at the gorgeous villa, the date card arrives for the group date and the names are announced, and the genius of the bunch - William quickly deduces it's him and Ben C. on the 2 on 1 date. William immediately starts talking smack and I wonder why the guys hate Ryan more than him, but whatever. William then gets out his joke book in case they have another chance at comedy. Note to William, remember how badly that went the last time.
Now time to end the Ben F. and Ashley snore fest. They talk about the mushy stuff they want out of life, she gives him a rose, a band and dancing girls show up. Yeah, that's normal. Then they finally kiss, surrounded by dancing girls, flames and music. Seems awkward if you ask me.
Now, back to the group date the REST of the guys are going on. The hint is "Love is worth fighting for". Well, at this point, I am not very excited, as I'm just not a big fighting fan, but I'll go along for the ride. I just better get a good shot of a half naked Nick and his muscles.
They show up for Muay-Thai fight training, while Ashley sports her best aerobics instructor outfit. Doing aerobics would probably work out better for Ames, but, it is not to be.
Ashley: This is my chance to really see masculinity in these guys.
Me: Don't like at Ames. And that is a major summary and foreshadowing at the same time.
So the Muay-Thai boxing training begins and my patience pays off. There is Nick (his muscles), and the rest of the guys, all hot and sweaty and getting their asses handed to them like the contestants on the first day of the Biggest Loser. The training session ends, and the guys are thinking, great, now I can shower up and grab a cold one and hit on this chick. And by cold one, I mean, beer, except for Ames, who surely wants Chardonnay.
Alas, boys, this is not the plan. Now it's time for you to take your one day of training, put on some gear, get in the ring and beat the snot out of each other. What kind of release DID they sign? Oh, and Ames gets stuck with the pink shorts and pink gloves for the fights. Make your own joke, just too easy.
So Ashley is having fun watching and the beat downs begin. First, we get a surprise when Blake schools Lucas. We all thought the Texan would win. Then Mickey gets his ass kicked by JP. And then it's Ames and Ryan. We already saw during the training, that Ames wasn't very good about keeping his hands ups. You would have a better chance of getting this guy to keep his hands up if he was doing the YMCA. So Ryan knocks him about a bit, and the fight is mercifully called. And at this point, Ashley wonders if this was such a good idea. She might not think so, but the producers are thrilled.
Ames takes his seat to watch the rest of the fights. Except he doesn't see a thing, unless you count those little cartoon birdies that are circling his head. Ashley uses her medical training to deduce that Ames isn't feeling so well. She fetches the real doctor on staff and Ames and his pink shorts are carted away to the hospital. I'm sure Ames has no idea where he is going at this point.
Whiles Ames is carted off, Constantine beats up my boy, Nick.
Now it's time for the dinner date portion. Ames is still at the hospital, and Ashley has her first fashion miss. It was a 1980 meets J. Lo/black mini dress/swimsuit cover up.
Ashley tells Ryan he did awesome, he says he wouldn't classify himself as awesome. My guess is probably awesomer.
She notices the bruises on his face. I'm not sure if she is shocked that he had bruises because of the fighting in general, or because he was the one who fought Ames.
Everyone misses Ames. But finally, Ames shows up! He is happy to be back, even though he still has no idea where he is. And he has a concussion, but give that boy some champagne, that'll cure it!
Back at the villa, the date card for the Ben C. and William show down arrives. Is it just me, or is William hammered? He comes up with the "who is, blah, blah, with 2 thumbs? This guy!" joke. Sigh.
Back to the post-concussion party, Ames is still out of it, and now it's time for the guys to start jockeying for one on one time. Blake takes her aside and tells her love is a marathon and immediate relationships concern him. Which immediately makes Ashley think of, barf, Bentley.
Lucas now chats her up. He tells her he is a golfer. Which just thrills her. Yeah, like there aren't a lot of guys who play golf. She asks him how to pretend to golf. First pretend kissing, now pretend golfing. Lucas finds her adorable. And I just don't get it, but I'm not a dude. Anyway, he tells her he could tell Bentley was her type. STOP, STOP, STOP. You are ruining it.
She finally gives out the group date rose, and it goes to Blake. They kiss and he plans their dental practice.
She closes out the date with a group "cheers" to Ames.
Ashley: To Ames!
Ames: Who is Ames?
Seriously, they released him from the hospital?
Time for the 2 on 1 date. This was pretty boring too, so it's summary time.
William: I don't mean to throw anyone under the bus, but Ben C has dating plans back home.
Ben C.: Hey, what just ran over me?
Ashley - Sorry, go home Ben.
Me: Why didn't she say that to Bentley?
Back to the date, William continues to act like a child. She sends him home too. Oh, and is just me, or does her dress look like she belongs in an 80's Whitesnake video?
William heads back home, and from his "don't let the door hit your ass on the way out" interview, someone sign that boy up for counseling.
Williams sh*t gets picked up, and the rest of the guys do the happy dance. Well, mostly Ryan.
Now it's time for the cocktail party. She gives them the "I don't care that Bentley is gone" BS and I don't believe it, and neither do most of them, but they pretend anyway.
Ryan does his schmoozing. Constantine talks to her, and his shirts reminds me of lime sherbet. Constantine is honest that he hasn't been with her enough to know if he is ready to get married. She seems impressed by that. And then bored at the same time. I would say I have no idea what is going on with her, but then I know, it's that jack ass Bentley again.
Ashley: I need closure w/Bentley.
Me: Someone show her the footage of him being a jerk and slam the f'n door shut!
She whines to Chris Harrison again about Bentley. I want to slap her, and so do all of you. So does Chris Harrison, especially when she keeps saying it was "real" with Bentley.
Chris: How do we put this to rest?
Me: SHOW HER THE F'N FOOTAGE.
Ashley talks about that stupid "dot, dot, dot". Again.
Finally, it's the rose ceremony. She keeps: (Blake has one already) Constantine, Lucas, JP, Ames, Mickey and Ryan. Nick and his muscles go home. Hey, you can come do push ups for me anytime!
Now, it's toast time and the news is we are going to Hong Kong!
Next week - The douchebag comes back. Hopefully she finds out what an f'n jerk he is. But the guys aren't thrilled when she tells them he is back. Sounds like there might be a mutiny on the bounty!
Funny outtake - William acts like they are trapped in the compound (a la Blair Witch Project Video), and Ben C plays the same song, over and over on the piano. Mildly amusing.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Phuk-et - she's an idiot.
We begin with a recap of last week. Summary. Douchebag Bentley has left. And she's a moron.
Previews of this week - on to Thailand. She still thinks of Bentley, but I think she'll get over it, and everyone hates Ryan.
The show begins, and Chris Harrison visits the man mansion.
Chris Harrison - I hope everyone here is very serious about this.
Translation - Any more jack asses like Bentley???
He announces there are 2 one on one dates and 1 group date. But before they get the date cards, they are going to THAILAND. They all scream like girls. Well, not that girly. But, still.
They have 2 hours to pack. They are dudes, if they can't pack in 2 hours, well, you don't need, nor probably want a girlfriend.
On to Thailand, where Ashley and her A-cup boobs have on a cute white bathing suit.
I was going to drink every time she said Bentley, but I decided I spend enough money on wine as it is.
Ames talks to the camera, and at this point, I decide either he has a Frankenstein head, or he is a member of the Hair Club for Men.
Anyway, back in Phuket. (And we all know how we really want to pronounce it, but we aren't 7th graders).
Ashley: Blah, Blah, Blah, love, Bentley, sad, other boys, blah, blah, blah.
Me: Send me Mickey or JP when you are done.
First one on one date - Constantine.... And now I have that stupid Constantinople song in my head.
Nick tells us he's fun, and he hopes it rains. I believe that is foreshadowing.
And it is. They are going out on a fancy boat (probably a catamaran, but I'm not that sophisticated). And as predicted, it rains.
On to Plan B. They go shopping in the local market. He says Phuket is mysterious, and so is she.. Uh, no, actually, she's not.
Anyway, they shop, then decide to talk to a local. It's an older guy, who doesn't speak English, but they find a girl who does and she translates. He gives love advice, because he's been married for 37 years. Okay, I'll listen. Don't compete to see who is right. Great. Got it. Tell that to the guys that are there.
Ashley - I don't want someone who is just competing to get to the next level.
Me - Boy is she going to be pissed when she sees the footage of Bentley deciding to leave since he didn't get the group date rose.
Time for the group date card. Let's just say who is not going - Frankenstein. I mean, Ames.
Back to the Constantinople, I mean date with Constantine, and yep, you guessed it, summary time.
Ugh, she thinks and talks about Bentley. But she has fun with Constantine, they have dinner and talk. He blabbers on about past relationships, and I wonder if his ex-girlfriends are watching and have a WTF reaction. And he gets a rose. They also had blue drinks. At this point, I'm more interested in wondering what is in the blue drinks than the two of them and their epiphanies about relationships.
Time for the group date. The guys and Ashley are working at a local orphanage. They all think she's wonderful for setting it up. Yep, she did it all on her own. That's my only joke, as I can't make fun of volunteer work.
Oh, wait. Now I can pick on Ryan. He has decided he is in charge. And won't shut up. Tells all the guys what to do, and just generally annoys everyone.
Ben F. makes a mural for the kids. He says he can't paint, but it way better than what I could do. I paint about as well as I swim.
The kids see all the work that has been done. And it is quite the beautiful moment. And then they get bikes and other toys. Now I feel really small. I'll take a moment and say I know I live a blessed and wonderful life. Sniff.
Back to being snarky - now it's time for the dinner portion of the date. Time for the guys to fight for one on one time. Ben F. is currently the front runner for the date rose. She brings up the "hard time" last week. I'd like to slap her. Bentley is such a waste of time. If she can't feel for Ben F, well, she is more of an idiot than we thought.
Now the boys act like girls, and the "I hate Ryan" portion begins. Of course he gets his one on one time and they talk about mushy BS. She's beautiful and they have a connection.
The boys continue to act like girls and gossip about Ryan. Dudes. Shut up.
JP then gets his turn to chat her up, and again, another dude way better than Douchebag Bentley. They make out. She says he is the best kisser. Then he picks her up, well, it takes him a few tries. He carries her back to the date area and the rest of the guys exude jealousy.
Ames gets his date card, they are going somewhere in the rain. Again, I am distracted by his big head, or his hair club for men membership.
Back at the group date, and Ashley finally gives out the rose. But wait. She is stopped by Ryan who says he needs a couple of minutes with her. He blabbers about wanting to talk to her more. Not sure where he was going with that. And the rose goes to - Ben F. The riot police sit back down and Ryan pouts. And now they all go swimming. And it just seems weird.
Now it's time for the date with Ames. He goes running to her, I notice he doesn't have on shoes. Not even flip flops. Hey, for once the first time, I didn't notice his big head first. Off to a boat they go. Overachiever Ames has previously been to Thailand, once to climb mountains, and then to attend a cooking school. Oh, and the cooking school was last minute. Oh, he is spontaneous! Whatever. They get off their yacht and canoe about the islands. Wow. It is very beautiful. Oh, wait. Ames has corrected me, it's sea kayaking. Whatever.
Ames: Navigating these caves is just like a relationship, you never know what you will find, but it might be beautiful.
Me: Or it could be your worst nightmare. I'm just saying.
The rest of the date is a snoozefest. They have champagne, and at this point, I could drink the entire bottle. Ugh. boring!
Now it's time for the usual dinner portion of the date. She talks about dumb ass Bentley again. But she is ready to look at the other guys now. Yep, he gets the rose, and I get another glass of wine. Oh, and she does her thing where she acts like she's not going to give him the rose and then does. Okay, I'm so over that trick.
Finally, it's time for the cocktail party. Last week the guys got jipped out of their freeze booze by that Douchebag Bentley.
One on one time starts, and she starts with questioning West about his wife dying. I think he's going to be going back home.
Then Lucas gets his turn. He is divorced. And cute. And a tall, Texan, drink of water. I don't see the chemistry between them. Lucas, you can do better. Like, with me!
Ryan then talks to her, and the boys bitch about him again. And bitch some more. Ryan, the new Vienna.
Blake decides to tell Ryan that he's getting on every one's nerves. Ryan is shocked, or at least pretends to be. So Ryan says he is just happy a lot. And that's too bad.
Blake really hates him, and I really like Ashley's dress. She definitely has a better stylist than Allie did.
Ryan tells Ashley that he just had this conversation with Blake. And he insists it is just how he is. She loves his positive energy and he'll be staying.
She talks to Chris Harrison about Bentley and his "dot, dot, dot" and I really wonder when in the hell they are going to show her the freaking footage of what a jerk he is.
Rose ceremony time. Let me make this easy on myself - only West goes home. After she requests an extra rose to keep an extra guy. Wouldn't it just have been easier to take West aside, say she wasn't feeling it and let him be on his way?
Guess that wouldn't have taken as long as the rose ceremony with the rain coming down in the background. But whatever.
Previews for next week - they are going to stay in Thailand and go to Chin-mai. I have no idea how to spell that and am way to lazy to look it up. Next week is perfect. Until the boys have to fight. And everything goes wrong. And she talks about that jack ass again. Oh, and guess who comes back. Perfection is gone. Unless you plan on drinking when she cries over Bentley. Then you better stock up! What the hell could he possibly says this time for her to understand that he's "just not that into her"?
Oh, and Nick can do push ups while she sits on him. Yeah, he has muscles. Nice ones.
Previews of this week - on to Thailand. She still thinks of Bentley, but I think she'll get over it, and everyone hates Ryan.
The show begins, and Chris Harrison visits the man mansion.
Chris Harrison - I hope everyone here is very serious about this.
Translation - Any more jack asses like Bentley???
He announces there are 2 one on one dates and 1 group date. But before they get the date cards, they are going to THAILAND. They all scream like girls. Well, not that girly. But, still.
They have 2 hours to pack. They are dudes, if they can't pack in 2 hours, well, you don't need, nor probably want a girlfriend.
On to Thailand, where Ashley and her A-cup boobs have on a cute white bathing suit.
I was going to drink every time she said Bentley, but I decided I spend enough money on wine as it is.
Ames talks to the camera, and at this point, I decide either he has a Frankenstein head, or he is a member of the Hair Club for Men.
Anyway, back in Phuket. (And we all know how we really want to pronounce it, but we aren't 7th graders).
Ashley: Blah, Blah, Blah, love, Bentley, sad, other boys, blah, blah, blah.
Me: Send me Mickey or JP when you are done.
First one on one date - Constantine.... And now I have that stupid Constantinople song in my head.
Nick tells us he's fun, and he hopes it rains. I believe that is foreshadowing.
And it is. They are going out on a fancy boat (probably a catamaran, but I'm not that sophisticated). And as predicted, it rains.
On to Plan B. They go shopping in the local market. He says Phuket is mysterious, and so is she.. Uh, no, actually, she's not.
Anyway, they shop, then decide to talk to a local. It's an older guy, who doesn't speak English, but they find a girl who does and she translates. He gives love advice, because he's been married for 37 years. Okay, I'll listen. Don't compete to see who is right. Great. Got it. Tell that to the guys that are there.
Ashley - I don't want someone who is just competing to get to the next level.
Me - Boy is she going to be pissed when she sees the footage of Bentley deciding to leave since he didn't get the group date rose.
Time for the group date card. Let's just say who is not going - Frankenstein. I mean, Ames.
Back to the Constantinople, I mean date with Constantine, and yep, you guessed it, summary time.
Ugh, she thinks and talks about Bentley. But she has fun with Constantine, they have dinner and talk. He blabbers on about past relationships, and I wonder if his ex-girlfriends are watching and have a WTF reaction. And he gets a rose. They also had blue drinks. At this point, I'm more interested in wondering what is in the blue drinks than the two of them and their epiphanies about relationships.
Time for the group date. The guys and Ashley are working at a local orphanage. They all think she's wonderful for setting it up. Yep, she did it all on her own. That's my only joke, as I can't make fun of volunteer work.
Oh, wait. Now I can pick on Ryan. He has decided he is in charge. And won't shut up. Tells all the guys what to do, and just generally annoys everyone.
Ben F. makes a mural for the kids. He says he can't paint, but it way better than what I could do. I paint about as well as I swim.
The kids see all the work that has been done. And it is quite the beautiful moment. And then they get bikes and other toys. Now I feel really small. I'll take a moment and say I know I live a blessed and wonderful life. Sniff.
Back to being snarky - now it's time for the dinner portion of the date. Time for the guys to fight for one on one time. Ben F. is currently the front runner for the date rose. She brings up the "hard time" last week. I'd like to slap her. Bentley is such a waste of time. If she can't feel for Ben F, well, she is more of an idiot than we thought.
Now the boys act like girls, and the "I hate Ryan" portion begins. Of course he gets his one on one time and they talk about mushy BS. She's beautiful and they have a connection.
The boys continue to act like girls and gossip about Ryan. Dudes. Shut up.
JP then gets his turn to chat her up, and again, another dude way better than Douchebag Bentley. They make out. She says he is the best kisser. Then he picks her up, well, it takes him a few tries. He carries her back to the date area and the rest of the guys exude jealousy.
Ames gets his date card, they are going somewhere in the rain. Again, I am distracted by his big head, or his hair club for men membership.
Back at the group date, and Ashley finally gives out the rose. But wait. She is stopped by Ryan who says he needs a couple of minutes with her. He blabbers about wanting to talk to her more. Not sure where he was going with that. And the rose goes to - Ben F. The riot police sit back down and Ryan pouts. And now they all go swimming. And it just seems weird.
Now it's time for the date with Ames. He goes running to her, I notice he doesn't have on shoes. Not even flip flops. Hey, for once the first time, I didn't notice his big head first. Off to a boat they go. Overachiever Ames has previously been to Thailand, once to climb mountains, and then to attend a cooking school. Oh, and the cooking school was last minute. Oh, he is spontaneous! Whatever. They get off their yacht and canoe about the islands. Wow. It is very beautiful. Oh, wait. Ames has corrected me, it's sea kayaking. Whatever.
Ames: Navigating these caves is just like a relationship, you never know what you will find, but it might be beautiful.
Me: Or it could be your worst nightmare. I'm just saying.
The rest of the date is a snoozefest. They have champagne, and at this point, I could drink the entire bottle. Ugh. boring!
Now it's time for the usual dinner portion of the date. She talks about dumb ass Bentley again. But she is ready to look at the other guys now. Yep, he gets the rose, and I get another glass of wine. Oh, and she does her thing where she acts like she's not going to give him the rose and then does. Okay, I'm so over that trick.
Finally, it's time for the cocktail party. Last week the guys got jipped out of their freeze booze by that Douchebag Bentley.
One on one time starts, and she starts with questioning West about his wife dying. I think he's going to be going back home.
Then Lucas gets his turn. He is divorced. And cute. And a tall, Texan, drink of water. I don't see the chemistry between them. Lucas, you can do better. Like, with me!
Ryan then talks to her, and the boys bitch about him again. And bitch some more. Ryan, the new Vienna.
Blake decides to tell Ryan that he's getting on every one's nerves. Ryan is shocked, or at least pretends to be. So Ryan says he is just happy a lot. And that's too bad.
Blake really hates him, and I really like Ashley's dress. She definitely has a better stylist than Allie did.
Ryan tells Ashley that he just had this conversation with Blake. And he insists it is just how he is. She loves his positive energy and he'll be staying.
She talks to Chris Harrison about Bentley and his "dot, dot, dot" and I really wonder when in the hell they are going to show her the freaking footage of what a jerk he is.
Rose ceremony time. Let me make this easy on myself - only West goes home. After she requests an extra rose to keep an extra guy. Wouldn't it just have been easier to take West aside, say she wasn't feeling it and let him be on his way?
Guess that wouldn't have taken as long as the rose ceremony with the rain coming down in the background. But whatever.
Previews for next week - they are going to stay in Thailand and go to Chin-mai. I have no idea how to spell that and am way to lazy to look it up. Next week is perfect. Until the boys have to fight. And everything goes wrong. And she talks about that jack ass again. Oh, and guess who comes back. Perfection is gone. Unless you plan on drinking when she cries over Bentley. Then you better stock up! What the hell could he possibly says this time for her to understand that he's "just not that into her"?
Oh, and Nick can do push ups while she sits on him. Yeah, he has muscles. Nice ones.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Don't Drive a Bentley
Previews - dancing, singing, roasting, crying, unmasking and douchebaggery-ing. Yeah, I made that last word up, but you know exactly what I mean.
We begin at the Dude Ranch when Chris Harrison shows up in a jacket I would like for working out (in the winter, not now) and explains the dates. 2 one on ones and 1 group date. We know the rules, moving on.
First date goes to Ben C. The masked man keeps talking about taking off the mask. At this point, we are all over it.
Ashley shows up in a Jennifer Beal top and says "Remember, you told me to tell you next time I was going dancing", which she follows up with:
"You are going to be so surprised"
And at this point, I assume he will only be surprised if they do something like, oh, say, playing chess, because I am sure this date includes dancing.
Off they go, and well, they don't play chess, they go to a dance studio. Let's all gasp in surprise.
It's not the Thriller dance like we did at my sister's wedding, but I'm sure it's almost as much fun. (sarcasm, 'cause we all know I was the best dancing, drill instructor ever)
So they learn a dance and then go on a picnic. At the picnic, she gets him to do their dance and another surprise (sarcasm) it's a Flash Dance! Well, that explains the Jennifer Beal top.
Then a band performs, and if I were hip and cool, I would know who they are. But, alas, I am neither, and I have no idea who they are. Time to move on.
They go to dinner. Ben tell her the very romantic side of marriage and he gets a rose. Side note for Ben: Look, I know there are times people adore each other, that's the easy part. Tell me how we are going to get through the rough times and I'll listen. Dancing, dinner and wine is easy. Paying bills, cleaning up and taking care of kids, well, that is just a little harder.
Anyhow - Group date time. The rest of the guys, but JP (he gets the other one on one)
Before they leave - Batman decides to remove the mask. It is very anti-climatic. One, he waited too long. Two - She notices how old he is. (which to me is ironic because Brad was 38)
He talks way too much, and finally takes the damn thing off. It's not that he's not decent looking, it's that he's, well, boring. He was more fun with the mask.
Group date time - They pile into a limo - and they all worry it's off to stand up comedy. And it is. Sort of. Time for a roast. Oh, this is going to go well. Not. They can make fun of Ashley, or each other, or both. Oh, and in front of an audience. Again, not going to go well.
William is all kinds of excited. Time for him to show his talent and how funny he is. Apparently he's a comedian in training. The other guys worry about hurting her feelings. He starts acting like a jerk. I thought he was nice, but we'll see.
Time for the roasting to start. They have Ashley and a live audience.
Most of the guys make fun of each other. Ryan even says "What was Ashley thinking during that last rose ceremony, picking Bentley?" Which at this point, cue the proverbial crickets there - but at home, we all agree with Ryan.
Blake the dentist was actually amusing. Then the masked guy makes fun of her small boobs. Then Nick does. Bentley goes, I tune him out, and she does her "Oh, Bentley" thing.
Then William goes. And he puts the rump in roast. He does the whole, I thought it would be Emily or Chantal. Which goes over like the proverbial lead balloon.
Ashley then runs off to hide and cry, and Bentley comforts her. Never mind that he has said all that to the camera and she'll see it in a few weeks.
So Bentley attemps to comfort her, and she tells him she was scared everyone would be disappointed it was her and not Emily. Oh, the irony. Bentley still does the shifty eyed BS thing and we all feel sorry for her and want to slap her for being dumb.
Bentley: Out of 25 guys, at least 24 were really excited it was you.
Me: Step out of the way ladies, I'm about to kick this guy in the nuts.
Time to move to the group date dinner party. And the rest of the date, pretty much sucks. She is insecure, because she's not Emily. Hell, girl. No one is. There is always going to be someone prettier than you. Suck it up. So the rest of the night is a bit of a downer. William takes her aside and apologizes. It doesn't go well either. William offers to pack his sh*t and leave, but she tells him not to. He then tells her to go talk to the other guys. And William does the "I'm walking home" thing. On his side, I'll say he seems genuinely upset.
The group date moves on, and Ashley continues to feel sorry for herself. Well, here comes Ryan to the rescue! He tells her how he wanted her there, and how he just wants to spend more time with her. She rewards him with a make out session. Bentley then moves in, because he is in it for the competition.
Ashley tells him that Crazy Michelle warned him about her and that he wasn't here for the proverbial "right reasons". She lays it out, and he lies, lies, and lies some more.
Back in the group, Bentley thinks he has the rose, and it then goes to Ryan! Ah, it's the little victories in life. Just get the F out, douchebag.
Bentley pouts, and plans on packing.
Now it's time for the last one on one date. She's wearing her Ellie May shirt again. She waxes poetic about how wonderful Bentley is. The rest of us want to slap her, as JP is coming over for his one on one date.
Bentley packs up, and tells Jeff - the former masked guy - that he's leaving. And then he tells the camera he isn't leaving for his daughter - but that's the BS he tells the guys and that's what he'll tell Ashley. The guys tell him he's a good guy. Oh, the fun for the Men Tell All. Bentley is so proud that he played everyone. Yeah, is your mom watching this? She can't be proud of that crap. Seriously.
Let me summarize here, because this guy is just a total douchy, douchy, douchebag.
He lies, she cries.
He's crass, and an ass.
He leaves, she grieves.
Now, bring on JP for the one on one date. Their date is a stay at home dinner date. She's still sad over that loser who left. But she manages to get it together, and they have a nice dinner, and snuggle up in front of the fire. She should pick him. Or let him go and send him to my house. He gets the rose, and Ashley has some kind of sense and says JP is a better kisser than Bentley.
Time for the cocktail party, and she's 2 hours late. The natives get restless and she shows up in a cute, cute silver dress. She has way better taste in clothes than Allie did. Anyway, she moons over that dumb ass some more and tells Chris they will just go straight to the rose ceremony.
We all beg Chris to tell her the truth about Bentley, he dances all around it, and she just does not catch the hints.
Rose ceremony, she chooses (Ben C, Ryan and JP have roses) - Constantine (who?), West (wife died), Mickey (cute), Ben F (wine guy), Blake (fellow dentist), Nick (trainer/line dancer), Ames (is it just me, or does his outfit remind you of the boy scouts), Lucas (tall Texan), and William (very bad joke guy)
Going home, some guy named Chris, and Jeff, the former masked guy.
Coming up - the other guys hate Ryan.
And once again the outtake clip is the masked guy on the toilet while Bentley fixes his hair. I'm glad they are both gone!
We begin at the Dude Ranch when Chris Harrison shows up in a jacket I would like for working out (in the winter, not now) and explains the dates. 2 one on ones and 1 group date. We know the rules, moving on.
First date goes to Ben C. The masked man keeps talking about taking off the mask. At this point, we are all over it.
Ashley shows up in a Jennifer Beal top and says "Remember, you told me to tell you next time I was going dancing", which she follows up with:
"You are going to be so surprised"
And at this point, I assume he will only be surprised if they do something like, oh, say, playing chess, because I am sure this date includes dancing.
Off they go, and well, they don't play chess, they go to a dance studio. Let's all gasp in surprise.
It's not the Thriller dance like we did at my sister's wedding, but I'm sure it's almost as much fun. (sarcasm, 'cause we all know I was the best dancing, drill instructor ever)
So they learn a dance and then go on a picnic. At the picnic, she gets him to do their dance and another surprise (sarcasm) it's a Flash Dance! Well, that explains the Jennifer Beal top.
Then a band performs, and if I were hip and cool, I would know who they are. But, alas, I am neither, and I have no idea who they are. Time to move on.
They go to dinner. Ben tell her the very romantic side of marriage and he gets a rose. Side note for Ben: Look, I know there are times people adore each other, that's the easy part. Tell me how we are going to get through the rough times and I'll listen. Dancing, dinner and wine is easy. Paying bills, cleaning up and taking care of kids, well, that is just a little harder.
Anyhow - Group date time. The rest of the guys, but JP (he gets the other one on one)
Before they leave - Batman decides to remove the mask. It is very anti-climatic. One, he waited too long. Two - She notices how old he is. (which to me is ironic because Brad was 38)
He talks way too much, and finally takes the damn thing off. It's not that he's not decent looking, it's that he's, well, boring. He was more fun with the mask.
Group date time - They pile into a limo - and they all worry it's off to stand up comedy. And it is. Sort of. Time for a roast. Oh, this is going to go well. Not. They can make fun of Ashley, or each other, or both. Oh, and in front of an audience. Again, not going to go well.
William is all kinds of excited. Time for him to show his talent and how funny he is. Apparently he's a comedian in training. The other guys worry about hurting her feelings. He starts acting like a jerk. I thought he was nice, but we'll see.
Time for the roasting to start. They have Ashley and a live audience.
Most of the guys make fun of each other. Ryan even says "What was Ashley thinking during that last rose ceremony, picking Bentley?" Which at this point, cue the proverbial crickets there - but at home, we all agree with Ryan.
Blake the dentist was actually amusing. Then the masked guy makes fun of her small boobs. Then Nick does. Bentley goes, I tune him out, and she does her "Oh, Bentley" thing.
Then William goes. And he puts the rump in roast. He does the whole, I thought it would be Emily or Chantal. Which goes over like the proverbial lead balloon.
Ashley then runs off to hide and cry, and Bentley comforts her. Never mind that he has said all that to the camera and she'll see it in a few weeks.
So Bentley attemps to comfort her, and she tells him she was scared everyone would be disappointed it was her and not Emily. Oh, the irony. Bentley still does the shifty eyed BS thing and we all feel sorry for her and want to slap her for being dumb.
Bentley: Out of 25 guys, at least 24 were really excited it was you.
Me: Step out of the way ladies, I'm about to kick this guy in the nuts.
Time to move to the group date dinner party. And the rest of the date, pretty much sucks. She is insecure, because she's not Emily. Hell, girl. No one is. There is always going to be someone prettier than you. Suck it up. So the rest of the night is a bit of a downer. William takes her aside and apologizes. It doesn't go well either. William offers to pack his sh*t and leave, but she tells him not to. He then tells her to go talk to the other guys. And William does the "I'm walking home" thing. On his side, I'll say he seems genuinely upset.
The group date moves on, and Ashley continues to feel sorry for herself. Well, here comes Ryan to the rescue! He tells her how he wanted her there, and how he just wants to spend more time with her. She rewards him with a make out session. Bentley then moves in, because he is in it for the competition.
Ashley tells him that Crazy Michelle warned him about her and that he wasn't here for the proverbial "right reasons". She lays it out, and he lies, lies, and lies some more.
Back in the group, Bentley thinks he has the rose, and it then goes to Ryan! Ah, it's the little victories in life. Just get the F out, douchebag.
Bentley pouts, and plans on packing.
Now it's time for the last one on one date. She's wearing her Ellie May shirt again. She waxes poetic about how wonderful Bentley is. The rest of us want to slap her, as JP is coming over for his one on one date.
Bentley packs up, and tells Jeff - the former masked guy - that he's leaving. And then he tells the camera he isn't leaving for his daughter - but that's the BS he tells the guys and that's what he'll tell Ashley. The guys tell him he's a good guy. Oh, the fun for the Men Tell All. Bentley is so proud that he played everyone. Yeah, is your mom watching this? She can't be proud of that crap. Seriously.
Let me summarize here, because this guy is just a total douchy, douchy, douchebag.
He lies, she cries.
He's crass, and an ass.
He leaves, she grieves.
Now, bring on JP for the one on one date. Their date is a stay at home dinner date. She's still sad over that loser who left. But she manages to get it together, and they have a nice dinner, and snuggle up in front of the fire. She should pick him. Or let him go and send him to my house. He gets the rose, and Ashley has some kind of sense and says JP is a better kisser than Bentley.
Time for the cocktail party, and she's 2 hours late. The natives get restless and she shows up in a cute, cute silver dress. She has way better taste in clothes than Allie did. Anyway, she moons over that dumb ass some more and tells Chris they will just go straight to the rose ceremony.
We all beg Chris to tell her the truth about Bentley, he dances all around it, and she just does not catch the hints.
Rose ceremony, she chooses (Ben C, Ryan and JP have roses) - Constantine (who?), West (wife died), Mickey (cute), Ben F (wine guy), Blake (fellow dentist), Nick (trainer/line dancer), Ames (is it just me, or does his outfit remind you of the boy scouts), Lucas (tall Texan), and William (very bad joke guy)
Going home, some guy named Chris, and Jeff, the former masked guy.
Coming up - the other guys hate Ryan.
And once again the outtake clip is the masked guy on the toilet while Bentley fixes his hair. I'm glad they are both gone!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
"A" is for Amazing, and "B" is for Boring!
I think the title is self-explanatory - "Amazing" is this year's "Awesome". And Ashley is a tad on the boring side. Bring back Allie and her kicking some Rated-R Ass! I never thought I would say that!
The show opens with the preview - we are going to Vegas, a wedding chapel, dancing, the masked guy and douchebag Bentley.
Chris Harrison comes in and explains the one on one date, group date, blah blah, we all know the rules. Pack your bags, group date rose, just don't get drink every time she says "Amazing" you should be good.
William gets the first one on one date to Vegas. Masked man and Ben F. are bummed, and William hopes he doesn't blow it (spoiler alert - he doesn't seem to on this, one, but oh, boy, on the previews for next week) But back to this week.
Ashley drives over to the man mansion in a really cool car. I'm sure all the guys know what it is, but I am not a car person. Unless we are talking about can I drive a stick and what color it is. Insert you own dirty joke here about driving a stick.
Ashley is confident - oh, but then she's not. What if she picks someone who doesn't really like her? Oh, the foreshadowing AND the irony....
Ashley arrives in an itty-bitty white dress and leather jacket. Nice outfit, but if she doesn't stop bouncing around like Tenley, I might have to slap her.
Off to the private plane that whisks them to Vegas.
Back at the dude ranch - Masked Man talks to Gay Ames. Of course, they discuss the mask again. He's going to take it off soon. Real soon. And reveal himself. Hey, I wonder if when he takes off the mask he is REALLY Batman. Talk about ironic! Anyway - I wonder why he also has on a skull cap, because isn't it hot - and Ames points out it's 90 degrees and wouldn't he be more comfortable in a white mask. Masked man agrees and wishes he had one. I think at this point, there cannot be a more stupid conversation, but I would be wrong as Bentley talks about swimming in pee, and I tell my dogs I hope he drowns in pee.
William and Ashley arrive in Vegas. There is a lot of "I'm just a girl" shrugging and clapping. I'm sure Tenley is around here somewhere.
Now one of the worst first dates ever begins. They both later claim it's the best first date ever, but really? What guy wants to talk about getting married on the first date? And crazy guys don't count. Ashley hams it up for cakes, rings and then in the chapel. William can't decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. She laughs some more and it annoys me. He is sure it's a joke and they get to the ceremony and he starts to get a bit nervous, I'm hoping he runs out of the door at this point, but he calls her bluff and says "I do". She laughs some more and I pour another glass of sauvingon blanc. They don't get married, but pretend they do.
The date continues, and Ashley's changes into a green 80's dress. Gorgeous color, I'm not too much on the top. Anyway, they row out to the middle of the fountains at the Bellagio for dinner. Everyone is watching from the strip, and there is more adoration from Ashley's fans.
William tells her his "my dad was an alcoholic and then was left on the side of the road beaten and he then died". I can't make fun of this one. Long story short - his watch stopped the time that he passed away and he keeps his watch on that time.
Back at the dude ranch - the next date card arrives, it's the group date. 12 guys are included, it's just easier to tell you who gets left out. Masked man, JP, Ben C, Mickey and Ryan and some other random guy.
Back at the middle of the fountains in Bellagio, Ashley gives him the "you're so fun speech" and then moves to "but, I need someone serious" and then moves to "that's you". I think that's going to be her thing, pretend she's going to say no, and then doesn't. The fountains go off, and she channels her inner Tenley and squeals and claps. Someone please give me some more wine.
Previews of the group date, Ben F says he's not going home, and Ashley begs Douchebag Bentley to stick around. Sigh.
12 guys load up their testosterone and fly to Vegas. Ashley greets them in her Ellie May shirt. Really, all she needed was the braided pig tails. The guys seem to dig it, so what do I know?
Ashley tells us today she is going test their ability to move. Oh great, dancing. All we need now is Tenley. The enter the Jaber-wocky show. She sneaks off and and joins them stage so she can dance too! Wow, I didn't see that coming. (sarcasm)
The guys are divided into 2 "crews" and have to make their own routine. Losers leave, Winners stay and perform with these Jabber-wocky dudes. This is going to be bad, as it looks like most of them have about as much rhythm as I do. One group does a rose ceremony, one does a wedding and the bride is late. The Best Men (wedding) goes first, with No Rhythm Nation (rose ceremony) talks smack. The No Rhythm Nation wins, and of course Douchebag Bentley is in the winning group. 6 guys go home, and 6 guys get to stay and dance in the show and get to have a group date with Ashley. 6 dejected guys hit a limo go to go home, and the dance troupe attempt to teach the other guys how to dance. Man, the 6 guys that go home are really whiners! Hit the bar and man up, boys.
Back to the show, and we have to hear that same song for about the 5th time. I have no idea what the song is, and frankly, don't care. I am just not into dancing, or techno pop, or rap. West is thrilled and Bentley thinks he is cool. Tenley has to be watching this and wonder why SHE didn't get her chance to dance on stage and had to settle for the "dance from her heart". Back to this show, all the guys are very impressed with Ashley. Well, all of them but that jerk-off Bentley.
So the after party begins - I assume it's on a roof. It wouldn't be the show if it wasn't. Ashley says she wants to have all one of one time, and Blake the dentist pulls her away first.
He is still boring.
West then gets his turn, tells his wife died story. Can't make fun of that either. Well, except just make sure this guy's last name isn't Peterson. (See Scott and Drew Peterson) Other than that, you should be good.
Now it's time for Bentley and his pie-hole. He is in it for the competition. Not so much for her. He does the shifty-eyed thing again. She does the clueless thing again. Then she does the pathetic thing and begs him to stay. Bentley trusts her, and she trusts him, and I have no idea why. Let me get to the point, she gives Bentley the rose, because OMG, she gave him the last rose at the first rose ceremony, and he is giving up "sooo much". Because his daughter is at home. Ah, Crazy Michelle is in Salt Lake, I'm sure she can look in on the kid.
Bentley tells the camera he wants to "bag it and go play black jack". I still can't figure out what she sees in this guy. I have to wonder, had she not been warned, would she have picked him? I have to wonder if she's thinking she is going to prove Crazy Michelle wrong and make him fall in love with her, or she is subconsciously sabotaging herself. Either way, just plain dumb.
Heads or tails. Flip a coin, pick a man. Oh, if it were only that easy for the rest of us. The coin is flipped and it will either be Mickey or JP. Luck is with Mickey and he wins the Vegas date with Ashley. JP is crushed, and Masked Man whines about not getting a date.
Ashley makes another Vegas-gamble reference, and that has now gotten about as old as Jake and his Leap of Faith.
Ashley and Mickey enter my idea of heaven. It's the biggest wine store I have ever seen. She even gets to ride a swing to go get the wine. Someone please take me there. And now, because I need more wine, this head or tails crap has gotten old. Ashley dishes another "amazing" and I tell the dogs to get me more wine.
Ashley admits the last time she cried was when the other girls complained about her. Yeah, I'm crying now, but because those damn dogs of mine drank the wine.
Back to the dude ranch - more guys bitching about mask guy, more shots of the mask guy and his stupid mask and stupid beanie in 90 degree weather. Masked guy says it's all about personality - hmm, there is a flaw in that when you already know what SHE looks like.
Back to the coin flipping in Vegas. Mickey and Ashley go to dinner, and surprise! (sarcasm) Ashley says "He looks AMAZING". Mickey drops an amazing on the view, and they are in a penthouse having dinner. Summary time - they eat, drink and flip a coin to see if he gets the rose. He gets it and she admits she would have given it to him anyway. Then Colbie Calliet performs a private concert for them. Yep, AMAZING. And just my observation from their dancing - either she is quite short, or he is really tall. Neither here nor there, but my observation all the same.
Now, time for the cocktail party and the rose ceremony. Dark blue suits seem to be the majority. Another random observation.
Ashley arrives in a really cute black evening gown. I will have to say, at least her taste in dresses is better than Allie's.
JP does the first "I need a minute". He's cute, and sane. He'll be around a little longer.
William gives them an imitation of some football coach. No idea of who it was. William has a rose, and they are annoyed.
Nick shows her he can line dance. You know she's a dancer, right?
William then really pissed them off by interrupting, when he already has a rose. All the guys are pissed, and Nick nicknames William "Ding Dong".
William lies through his teeth and tells her it's the most romantic date ever. He was a front runner, but he's starting to show a little of the crazy, and I predict this is the start of his downfall.
Here comes Masked guy - summary time - He is going to reveal himself. He tells her that he was married, and during that time, he almost died after a brain hemorrhage at 29. He is now divorced -but now very happy. Says his ex-wife was untruthful. And he says he is going to take off the mask. BUT WAIT. There is Matt. He needs his turn. You know, the producers totally shoved his ass out there. They want that mask around another week.
Ben C. gets his turn. He is charming, I'm sure, but I'm going with more wine trying to ignore this whole thing. William then tells Bentley and the hair dresser about his fabulous date. We find out that Bentley would rather swim in pee than plan a wedding with her. I have been really drunk before (like Tim was last week) but would never pick swimming in pee as what I would rather do. This guy is a complete douchebag. However, despite the fact that he would rather swim in pee, he gets all competitive and goes and makes his fake moves on Ashley. Bentley says the sky is the limit on his kisses. Kind of like the dumb fireworks thing Crazy Michelle does.
Bentley carries her to another room and says they won't talk, and they kiss. He then tells the camera it was great and then sucked. Someone, please cockpunch him. He even says, hey, I wish it were Emily. Ashley is concerned, I would call it completely clueless. Especially when she says she has a good radar that he's sincere and honest. If they put this douchebag on Bachelor Pad, I will not be amused. Not only is he a douchebag - talk about no personality! Well, I digress. I guess douchebag personality counts.
Chris Harrison finally comes out of his trailer and puts us out of our misery and calls for the rose ceremony. Ashley expels another Amazing. And I'm not amazed or amused.
William, Mickey and Douchebag Bentley have roses. She gives roses to the following:
West - wife died, opposite of East.
Constantine - Not the American Idol dude, and not very cute.
Ryan P - Hey! I bet he recycles and he's cute.
Ben C - New Orleans/French guy.
Nick - personal trainer/line dancing dude.
Ames/Weatherman
Lucas - All I know is that he is from Texas.
Jeff - Masked man
JP - Best of the bunch
Chris - Who?
Ben F - Winemaker...
Blake - fellow dentist.
Going home are Matt (he calls his mom, big surprise). Steven (he has a hair dryer ready to dry his tears), and some guy named Ryan.
Previews of next week - music, dancing, people cheering, then William making the worst joke ever, and Bentley being a douchebag, and Ashley crying. And Bentley is proud of himself for being first guy who fooled everyone. Yeah, like none of the gay guys did that. Jerk off.
Oh, and Masked Man vacuums. And we have to see him on the toilet again. Really?
The show opens with the preview - we are going to Vegas, a wedding chapel, dancing, the masked guy and douchebag Bentley.
Chris Harrison comes in and explains the one on one date, group date, blah blah, we all know the rules. Pack your bags, group date rose, just don't get drink every time she says "Amazing" you should be good.
William gets the first one on one date to Vegas. Masked man and Ben F. are bummed, and William hopes he doesn't blow it (spoiler alert - he doesn't seem to on this, one, but oh, boy, on the previews for next week) But back to this week.
Ashley drives over to the man mansion in a really cool car. I'm sure all the guys know what it is, but I am not a car person. Unless we are talking about can I drive a stick and what color it is. Insert you own dirty joke here about driving a stick.
Ashley is confident - oh, but then she's not. What if she picks someone who doesn't really like her? Oh, the foreshadowing AND the irony....
Ashley arrives in an itty-bitty white dress and leather jacket. Nice outfit, but if she doesn't stop bouncing around like Tenley, I might have to slap her.
Off to the private plane that whisks them to Vegas.
Back at the dude ranch - Masked Man talks to Gay Ames. Of course, they discuss the mask again. He's going to take it off soon. Real soon. And reveal himself. Hey, I wonder if when he takes off the mask he is REALLY Batman. Talk about ironic! Anyway - I wonder why he also has on a skull cap, because isn't it hot - and Ames points out it's 90 degrees and wouldn't he be more comfortable in a white mask. Masked man agrees and wishes he had one. I think at this point, there cannot be a more stupid conversation, but I would be wrong as Bentley talks about swimming in pee, and I tell my dogs I hope he drowns in pee.
William and Ashley arrive in Vegas. There is a lot of "I'm just a girl" shrugging and clapping. I'm sure Tenley is around here somewhere.
Now one of the worst first dates ever begins. They both later claim it's the best first date ever, but really? What guy wants to talk about getting married on the first date? And crazy guys don't count. Ashley hams it up for cakes, rings and then in the chapel. William can't decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. She laughs some more and it annoys me. He is sure it's a joke and they get to the ceremony and he starts to get a bit nervous, I'm hoping he runs out of the door at this point, but he calls her bluff and says "I do". She laughs some more and I pour another glass of sauvingon blanc. They don't get married, but pretend they do.
The date continues, and Ashley's changes into a green 80's dress. Gorgeous color, I'm not too much on the top. Anyway, they row out to the middle of the fountains at the Bellagio for dinner. Everyone is watching from the strip, and there is more adoration from Ashley's fans.
William tells her his "my dad was an alcoholic and then was left on the side of the road beaten and he then died". I can't make fun of this one. Long story short - his watch stopped the time that he passed away and he keeps his watch on that time.
Back at the dude ranch - the next date card arrives, it's the group date. 12 guys are included, it's just easier to tell you who gets left out. Masked man, JP, Ben C, Mickey and Ryan and some other random guy.
Back at the middle of the fountains in Bellagio, Ashley gives him the "you're so fun speech" and then moves to "but, I need someone serious" and then moves to "that's you". I think that's going to be her thing, pretend she's going to say no, and then doesn't. The fountains go off, and she channels her inner Tenley and squeals and claps. Someone please give me some more wine.
Previews of the group date, Ben F says he's not going home, and Ashley begs Douchebag Bentley to stick around. Sigh.
12 guys load up their testosterone and fly to Vegas. Ashley greets them in her Ellie May shirt. Really, all she needed was the braided pig tails. The guys seem to dig it, so what do I know?
Ashley tells us today she is going test their ability to move. Oh great, dancing. All we need now is Tenley. The enter the Jaber-wocky show. She sneaks off and and joins them stage so she can dance too! Wow, I didn't see that coming. (sarcasm)
The guys are divided into 2 "crews" and have to make their own routine. Losers leave, Winners stay and perform with these Jabber-wocky dudes. This is going to be bad, as it looks like most of them have about as much rhythm as I do. One group does a rose ceremony, one does a wedding and the bride is late. The Best Men (wedding) goes first, with No Rhythm Nation (rose ceremony) talks smack. The No Rhythm Nation wins, and of course Douchebag Bentley is in the winning group. 6 guys go home, and 6 guys get to stay and dance in the show and get to have a group date with Ashley. 6 dejected guys hit a limo go to go home, and the dance troupe attempt to teach the other guys how to dance. Man, the 6 guys that go home are really whiners! Hit the bar and man up, boys.
Back to the show, and we have to hear that same song for about the 5th time. I have no idea what the song is, and frankly, don't care. I am just not into dancing, or techno pop, or rap. West is thrilled and Bentley thinks he is cool. Tenley has to be watching this and wonder why SHE didn't get her chance to dance on stage and had to settle for the "dance from her heart". Back to this show, all the guys are very impressed with Ashley. Well, all of them but that jerk-off Bentley.
So the after party begins - I assume it's on a roof. It wouldn't be the show if it wasn't. Ashley says she wants to have all one of one time, and Blake the dentist pulls her away first.
He is still boring.
West then gets his turn, tells his wife died story. Can't make fun of that either. Well, except just make sure this guy's last name isn't Peterson. (See Scott and Drew Peterson) Other than that, you should be good.
Now it's time for Bentley and his pie-hole. He is in it for the competition. Not so much for her. He does the shifty-eyed thing again. She does the clueless thing again. Then she does the pathetic thing and begs him to stay. Bentley trusts her, and she trusts him, and I have no idea why. Let me get to the point, she gives Bentley the rose, because OMG, she gave him the last rose at the first rose ceremony, and he is giving up "sooo much". Because his daughter is at home. Ah, Crazy Michelle is in Salt Lake, I'm sure she can look in on the kid.
Bentley tells the camera he wants to "bag it and go play black jack". I still can't figure out what she sees in this guy. I have to wonder, had she not been warned, would she have picked him? I have to wonder if she's thinking she is going to prove Crazy Michelle wrong and make him fall in love with her, or she is subconsciously sabotaging herself. Either way, just plain dumb.
Heads or tails. Flip a coin, pick a man. Oh, if it were only that easy for the rest of us. The coin is flipped and it will either be Mickey or JP. Luck is with Mickey and he wins the Vegas date with Ashley. JP is crushed, and Masked Man whines about not getting a date.
Ashley makes another Vegas-gamble reference, and that has now gotten about as old as Jake and his Leap of Faith.
Ashley and Mickey enter my idea of heaven. It's the biggest wine store I have ever seen. She even gets to ride a swing to go get the wine. Someone please take me there. And now, because I need more wine, this head or tails crap has gotten old. Ashley dishes another "amazing" and I tell the dogs to get me more wine.
Ashley admits the last time she cried was when the other girls complained about her. Yeah, I'm crying now, but because those damn dogs of mine drank the wine.
Back to the dude ranch - more guys bitching about mask guy, more shots of the mask guy and his stupid mask and stupid beanie in 90 degree weather. Masked guy says it's all about personality - hmm, there is a flaw in that when you already know what SHE looks like.
Back to the coin flipping in Vegas. Mickey and Ashley go to dinner, and surprise! (sarcasm) Ashley says "He looks AMAZING". Mickey drops an amazing on the view, and they are in a penthouse having dinner. Summary time - they eat, drink and flip a coin to see if he gets the rose. He gets it and she admits she would have given it to him anyway. Then Colbie Calliet performs a private concert for them. Yep, AMAZING. And just my observation from their dancing - either she is quite short, or he is really tall. Neither here nor there, but my observation all the same.
Now, time for the cocktail party and the rose ceremony. Dark blue suits seem to be the majority. Another random observation.
Ashley arrives in a really cute black evening gown. I will have to say, at least her taste in dresses is better than Allie's.
JP does the first "I need a minute". He's cute, and sane. He'll be around a little longer.
William gives them an imitation of some football coach. No idea of who it was. William has a rose, and they are annoyed.
Nick shows her he can line dance. You know she's a dancer, right?
William then really pissed them off by interrupting, when he already has a rose. All the guys are pissed, and Nick nicknames William "Ding Dong".
William lies through his teeth and tells her it's the most romantic date ever. He was a front runner, but he's starting to show a little of the crazy, and I predict this is the start of his downfall.
Here comes Masked guy - summary time - He is going to reveal himself. He tells her that he was married, and during that time, he almost died after a brain hemorrhage at 29. He is now divorced -but now very happy. Says his ex-wife was untruthful. And he says he is going to take off the mask. BUT WAIT. There is Matt. He needs his turn. You know, the producers totally shoved his ass out there. They want that mask around another week.
Ben C. gets his turn. He is charming, I'm sure, but I'm going with more wine trying to ignore this whole thing. William then tells Bentley and the hair dresser about his fabulous date. We find out that Bentley would rather swim in pee than plan a wedding with her. I have been really drunk before (like Tim was last week) but would never pick swimming in pee as what I would rather do. This guy is a complete douchebag. However, despite the fact that he would rather swim in pee, he gets all competitive and goes and makes his fake moves on Ashley. Bentley says the sky is the limit on his kisses. Kind of like the dumb fireworks thing Crazy Michelle does.
Bentley carries her to another room and says they won't talk, and they kiss. He then tells the camera it was great and then sucked. Someone, please cockpunch him. He even says, hey, I wish it were Emily. Ashley is concerned, I would call it completely clueless. Especially when she says she has a good radar that he's sincere and honest. If they put this douchebag on Bachelor Pad, I will not be amused. Not only is he a douchebag - talk about no personality! Well, I digress. I guess douchebag personality counts.
Chris Harrison finally comes out of his trailer and puts us out of our misery and calls for the rose ceremony. Ashley expels another Amazing. And I'm not amazed or amused.
William, Mickey and Douchebag Bentley have roses. She gives roses to the following:
West - wife died, opposite of East.
Constantine - Not the American Idol dude, and not very cute.
Ryan P - Hey! I bet he recycles and he's cute.
Ben C - New Orleans/French guy.
Nick - personal trainer/line dancing dude.
Ames/Weatherman
Lucas - All I know is that he is from Texas.
Jeff - Masked man
JP - Best of the bunch
Chris - Who?
Ben F - Winemaker...
Blake - fellow dentist.
Going home are Matt (he calls his mom, big surprise). Steven (he has a hair dryer ready to dry his tears), and some guy named Ryan.
Previews of next week - music, dancing, people cheering, then William making the worst joke ever, and Bentley being a douchebag, and Ashley crying. And Bentley is proud of himself for being first guy who fooled everyone. Yeah, like none of the gay guys did that. Jerk off.
Oh, and Masked Man vacuums. And we have to see him on the toilet again. Really?
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
The Man Parade - Includes a drunk, a douchebag and a drama queen.
And it's back! The Bachelorette is back. We have annoying-ass Ashley, but it's my train wreck and I'll never leave it. So, let's get started - we all know how this works.
Oh, poor Ashley, she loved, learned, got dumped and got a new hair cut and color. She's thoughtful, sad, and pensive. But wait! Now, she's happy! She's dancing like no one is watching. Well, except everyone in her class and whoever watches the show. She's a fighter, she's Rocky. YO! Adrian. (you knew that was coming)
Either way, she's ready for love. She's cute, she's perky, she's a dancing dentist.
Enough about her, let's move to the excitement for the night. The man parade.
But before the man parade starts, we get a preview of it. They are hot, hunky, and hairless. Is it just me, or did that "manscaper" from Brad's season get a hold of all those boys?
Ryan - the do-gooder. Hey, I bet he recycles. He makes some cheesy sun/heart/love reference. Then it's JP the New York construction manager. Then the over-achiever, Ames. I hate him, and I think he should hook up with the Weatherman.
Hello, it's a nice southern boy. Ben C. Oh, he even plays the piano. Now, it's another Ben. Ben F. Oh, snap. He's a winemaker. Excuse me, this one is all mine. Oh, darn. Not that cute. He has this year's "my dad died" story.
Now it's Bentley. I'll go ahead and spoil it for you. He is this year's villain. A combination of Wes, and Douchebag Craig. I'd like to punch him. His daughter's name is Cozy. Who names their kid Cozy? This douchebag.
We now move on to the Godfather - Anthony the butcher.
West, his wife died. I can't make fun of that. And then he tells the story, and I'm suspicious. Is that wrong?
William - Cell phone salesman. Seems dorky and cute. Oh, and his dad died too. This year's Cape Cod Chris, well, except it's his dad and not his mom.
It's now time to begin the Man Parade. Ashley arrives in a glittery dress (which I love). Then she talks, and I drink more wine. Chris Harrison, the host, plays love counselor. Considering the Bachelor/Bachelorette track record, he's not the best sounding board. At this point, Ashley tells us she has already been forewarned about Bad Boy Bentley. (and will now be referred to as BBB) Oh, but she's going to give him a fair chance. Sigh, fill up the wine glass, let's get to the MEN!
And the first man out of the limo is............
Ryan P. - the solar guy. And he is adorable.
Jon - He picks her up to take her to the "honeymoon" She laughs. And I am hating her laugh.
Lucas - Tall Texan drink of water.
William - The cell phone guy.
Mickey - He uses the "From all the men in America" and goes to kiss her. She's not too sure. But he is cute.
And here is Tim. We'll see a lot of him. At first I thought he was just nervous. He's a liquor distributor. We'll find out later, he drank more than he distributed.
Ben C - The New Orleans lawyer that can play the piano. Oh, and now we find out he also speaks French! And she does too, or at least understands it.
Steven, the hairstylist - who she loves his hair, and he loves hers.
Chris D. - Oh, yeah baby! Then he does a dorky white boy rap. Interesting. Good thing he's cute.
Then it's West - opposite of East. We get it.
Let me also take this time to point out he's about the 5th guy to say "I'm a hugger" and hug her. At this point, one could drink every time "hugger" is said, and they will get really plowed. I'm going to assume that is what Tim did.
Anthony arrives, does some Godfather tradition, and looks a bit like Andy Garcia. Just not as cute. Nice gold chain. He's boring.
Rob - he tells her there is a difference between him and Brad - he doesn't have any crowns. Well, if he's just like Brad, we know he is more boring than Anthony.
Overachiever Ames arrives. He gives her ballet tickets. Barf.
Matt. Another cutie. He teaches her the family handshake. She doesn't quite get it.
And then it gets weird. Jeff, the entrepreneur shows up in a mask. We are going to veer off a bit here. When I was a little girl, I loved Batman and Robin, the one with Adam West and Burt Ward. And I loved Robin and his mask. So I can see where this might SEEM like a good idea, but it's not. That's not the mask that Robin wore. That mask is so bad, that even Zorro the Gay Blade (80's George Hamilton movie) would NOT wear it, nor ask the Alcalde to wear it. But you know who would? Bunny Wigglesworth. And now that I've told that joke, that likely only my older sister will get, we'll move on. (But, Michelle, that was funny, wasn't it??)
He says he wants her to get to know all about what's inside and not his face.
The mask totally freaks out the rest of the guys. Especially Tim, well, because he's seeing at least 2 of them at this point. More on that later.
Back to the Man Parade. Ben F, the winemaker arrives with 2 glasses, and a bottle of wine. She says the wine is great, but they don't bother telling us what in the hell it is.
Frank - he winks, kisses her hand, twirls her around, picks her up, dances with her, and dips her. Dip.
Ye-ow. Another cutie. Michael. He tells her he has never been so excited to see a dentist, and might require gassing. She tells him she can gas him later inside. Insert your own 8th grade boy "gas" joke here.
Chris M. - from Canada. I can usually understand those guys - but this one. I might need a translator.
Ryan M. - does the cheerleader pose. Then pulls out a camera and takes a few self-portraits. Hey, that's my thing! He also tells her to be sure and get a shot of him and Chris Harrison. Sure, on your way out.......
J.P. - the construction manager. I'm thinking he'll go far. All he brought is his smile, and it seems to be enough.
Nick - a personal trainer. He does the high-pitched girl "hey". And he recites a dorky poem for her. I like dorky poems. So he gets a pass.
Blake - fellow dentist.
BBB - Bad Boy Bentley. Remember, I hate him. So you should too.
Constantine - not the one from American Idol. He uses pink dental floss to tie a ring around her finger. She loves it. I hate it, but I guess that's neither here nor there.
Now it's time for the cocktail party. Let the real fun begin. The Canadian says something about actually getting to meet her. Which is as confusing as his accent - didn't they do that on the way in?
Ashley enters with the 2 handed wave. She asks for honesty. Where is that shot of BBB? So all the guys think she is beautiful. Ryan, immediately "steals" her. Someone says it takes "guts and nuts", which makes me giggle. Anyway, Ryan wows Ashley. And he is easy on the eyes.
Winemaker guy, Ben F., is next. His favorite wine is Cabernet. Really? I guess at least it wasn't f'n merlot. (Sideways reference)
Matt (I think) says he's not a momma's boy, but then calls his mom, Gayle. She tells them to make sure they use protection in the fantasy suite and not to forget their moms are watching. I'm sure she means they are watching the show, but still, funny and creepy a the same time.
The Canadian guy says something I only half understand, then one of them strums a guitar. Oh, we've seen this before.
But wait, no it's not. He just tossed the guitar in the pool. It was a prop, and I give him props on that one. While the other guys weren't as amused, I sure was!
Now back to the drunk and the drama queen. And I don't mean Ashley. Tim, the drunk, doesn't like that Jeff, the drama queen has on a mask. I mean, Tim really doesn't like it. Tim, it doesn't keep him, or you from drinking, so get over it and move on. But mask dude, really?
Oh, poor Ashley, she loved, learned, got dumped and got a new hair cut and color. She's thoughtful, sad, and pensive. But wait! Now, she's happy! She's dancing like no one is watching. Well, except everyone in her class and whoever watches the show. She's a fighter, she's Rocky. YO! Adrian. (you knew that was coming)
Either way, she's ready for love. She's cute, she's perky, she's a dancing dentist.
Enough about her, let's move to the excitement for the night. The man parade.
But before the man parade starts, we get a preview of it. They are hot, hunky, and hairless. Is it just me, or did that "manscaper" from Brad's season get a hold of all those boys?
Ryan - the do-gooder. Hey, I bet he recycles. He makes some cheesy sun/heart/love reference. Then it's JP the New York construction manager. Then the over-achiever, Ames. I hate him, and I think he should hook up with the Weatherman.
Hello, it's a nice southern boy. Ben C. Oh, he even plays the piano. Now, it's another Ben. Ben F. Oh, snap. He's a winemaker. Excuse me, this one is all mine. Oh, darn. Not that cute. He has this year's "my dad died" story.
Now it's Bentley. I'll go ahead and spoil it for you. He is this year's villain. A combination of Wes, and Douchebag Craig. I'd like to punch him. His daughter's name is Cozy. Who names their kid Cozy? This douchebag.
We now move on to the Godfather - Anthony the butcher.
West, his wife died. I can't make fun of that. And then he tells the story, and I'm suspicious. Is that wrong?
William - Cell phone salesman. Seems dorky and cute. Oh, and his dad died too. This year's Cape Cod Chris, well, except it's his dad and not his mom.
It's now time to begin the Man Parade. Ashley arrives in a glittery dress (which I love). Then she talks, and I drink more wine. Chris Harrison, the host, plays love counselor. Considering the Bachelor/Bachelorette track record, he's not the best sounding board. At this point, Ashley tells us she has already been forewarned about Bad Boy Bentley. (and will now be referred to as BBB) Oh, but she's going to give him a fair chance. Sigh, fill up the wine glass, let's get to the MEN!
And the first man out of the limo is............
Ryan P. - the solar guy. And he is adorable.
Jon - He picks her up to take her to the "honeymoon" She laughs. And I am hating her laugh.
Lucas - Tall Texan drink of water.
William - The cell phone guy.
Mickey - He uses the "From all the men in America" and goes to kiss her. She's not too sure. But he is cute.
And here is Tim. We'll see a lot of him. At first I thought he was just nervous. He's a liquor distributor. We'll find out later, he drank more than he distributed.
Ben C - The New Orleans lawyer that can play the piano. Oh, and now we find out he also speaks French! And she does too, or at least understands it.
Steven, the hairstylist - who she loves his hair, and he loves hers.
Chris D. - Oh, yeah baby! Then he does a dorky white boy rap. Interesting. Good thing he's cute.
Then it's West - opposite of East. We get it.
Let me also take this time to point out he's about the 5th guy to say "I'm a hugger" and hug her. At this point, one could drink every time "hugger" is said, and they will get really plowed. I'm going to assume that is what Tim did.
Anthony arrives, does some Godfather tradition, and looks a bit like Andy Garcia. Just not as cute. Nice gold chain. He's boring.
Rob - he tells her there is a difference between him and Brad - he doesn't have any crowns. Well, if he's just like Brad, we know he is more boring than Anthony.
Overachiever Ames arrives. He gives her ballet tickets. Barf.
Matt. Another cutie. He teaches her the family handshake. She doesn't quite get it.
And then it gets weird. Jeff, the entrepreneur shows up in a mask. We are going to veer off a bit here. When I was a little girl, I loved Batman and Robin, the one with Adam West and Burt Ward. And I loved Robin and his mask. So I can see where this might SEEM like a good idea, but it's not. That's not the mask that Robin wore. That mask is so bad, that even Zorro the Gay Blade (80's George Hamilton movie) would NOT wear it, nor ask the Alcalde to wear it. But you know who would? Bunny Wigglesworth. And now that I've told that joke, that likely only my older sister will get, we'll move on. (But, Michelle, that was funny, wasn't it??)
He says he wants her to get to know all about what's inside and not his face.
The mask totally freaks out the rest of the guys. Especially Tim, well, because he's seeing at least 2 of them at this point. More on that later.
Back to the Man Parade. Ben F, the winemaker arrives with 2 glasses, and a bottle of wine. She says the wine is great, but they don't bother telling us what in the hell it is.
Frank - he winks, kisses her hand, twirls her around, picks her up, dances with her, and dips her. Dip.
Ye-ow. Another cutie. Michael. He tells her he has never been so excited to see a dentist, and might require gassing. She tells him she can gas him later inside. Insert your own 8th grade boy "gas" joke here.
Chris M. - from Canada. I can usually understand those guys - but this one. I might need a translator.
Ryan M. - does the cheerleader pose. Then pulls out a camera and takes a few self-portraits. Hey, that's my thing! He also tells her to be sure and get a shot of him and Chris Harrison. Sure, on your way out.......
J.P. - the construction manager. I'm thinking he'll go far. All he brought is his smile, and it seems to be enough.
Nick - a personal trainer. He does the high-pitched girl "hey". And he recites a dorky poem for her. I like dorky poems. So he gets a pass.
Blake - fellow dentist.
BBB - Bad Boy Bentley. Remember, I hate him. So you should too.
Constantine - not the one from American Idol. He uses pink dental floss to tie a ring around her finger. She loves it. I hate it, but I guess that's neither here nor there.
Now it's time for the cocktail party. Let the real fun begin. The Canadian says something about actually getting to meet her. Which is as confusing as his accent - didn't they do that on the way in?
Ashley enters with the 2 handed wave. She asks for honesty. Where is that shot of BBB? So all the guys think she is beautiful. Ryan, immediately "steals" her. Someone says it takes "guts and nuts", which makes me giggle. Anyway, Ryan wows Ashley. And he is easy on the eyes.
Winemaker guy, Ben F., is next. His favorite wine is Cabernet. Really? I guess at least it wasn't f'n merlot. (Sideways reference)
Matt (I think) says he's not a momma's boy, but then calls his mom, Gayle. She tells them to make sure they use protection in the fantasy suite and not to forget their moms are watching. I'm sure she means they are watching the show, but still, funny and creepy a the same time.
The Canadian guy says something I only half understand, then one of them strums a guitar. Oh, we've seen this before.
But wait, no it's not. He just tossed the guitar in the pool. It was a prop, and I give him props on that one. While the other guys weren't as amused, I sure was!
Now back to the drunk and the drama queen. And I don't mean Ashley. Tim, the drunk, doesn't like that Jeff, the drama queen has on a mask. I mean, Tim really doesn't like it. Tim, it doesn't keep him, or you from drinking, so get over it and move on. But mask dude, really?
Chris Harrison drops off the first impression rose. This is where the claws would come out, if it were a group of women. But instead of claws, one of the guys says, "the competition is pretty stiff". HA HA HA. Stiff! That's what she said.
Anyway, the jockeying continues, and Ben C. pulls out the stops with poster boards. She is amused, the guys talking to her aren't. He was born in France and speaks French, and lived in England. I bet my English brother in law would hate him.Cute salesman William gets his turn. And he does impressions. And actually is very good. Funny guy. And again, another easy on the eyes guy. I'm impressed, she's impressed, and admit, you are too.
Now speaking of impressive - I'm going with the amount of booze Tim has consumed at this point. Now, as someone who does "overindulge" sometimes herself, if you are going on national television, REMEMBER TO LIMIT YOURSELF.
Anyway, back to the show and to Tim, Ashley tries to have a conversation with him. And he tells her he is probably drunk. Probably? Dude can't even say spirits. She feels bad, but not that bad, and tells him to drink his water.
Ashley: "Aw, I feel bad, I know about wasted opportunities".
Me: HA HA HA. Wasted. HA HA HA. Yep, talk about wasted.
But instead of drinking water, he's drinking more beer. This would be good, if it were a bachelor party. But it's not. And then the mask guy comes up. And Tim wants to fight him. I don't like his chances. I don't think he could hit the broad side of a barn at this point. He then passes out snoring like a mug on the couch. I really like the blanket he has. Looks comfy. Someone get me a blanket like that next time I drink too much.
Ashley is now amused/bewildered by this. She then recruits the other guys to haul his drunk ass out of there. Just don't send the masked guy over there. That freaks him out. They throw his ass in the back of a mini-van. I'm guessing there isn't a mini-bar in the back of it.
Now, that he's gone, the mask guy, Jeff can talk to Ashley. She asks about the mask, and he says he wants to take his face about the equation, this is after he tells her she is so beautiful. So, looks don't matter? Whatever.
J.P. and his smile get a turn. He's cute.
Now it's BBB's turn. Barf. Ashley tells us a friend knows his ex-wife. Hmm, he's in Salt Lake City, I wonder if it's Crazy Michelle! Ashley then has a conversation with him, and he's shifty-eyed the whole time. And she still doesn't catch on. She makes him promise to always be honest with her. Yeah, that has really worked before.
She finally hands out the first impression rose, and it goes to Ryan P. Good choice. BBB is just mad he lost. Chris Harrison arrives and says it's time for the rose ceremony.
Time to cull the herd, let's do the short version. Tim was already sent home, whether he knows it or not. Also going home are the following: Canadian guy I can't understand. Anthony - the Godfather's butcher. Then Rob, who? He's crushed. Aren't we all? Jon, he tried to take her straight to the honeymoon. Oh well. He beside himself over it, dang, what a girl.
Then we are treated to highlights of what's to come. There is romance, kissing, love, and lots of squealing. Then there are tears. And the mask guy on the toilet. And the other guys know that BBB is a douchebag. And more tears. And I'm guessing that BBB tells her he wishes it was Emily. Her biggest fear. Yeah, none of us measure up to her.
William does more impressions. He is really funny, and cute. Pick him. And she won't.
Monday, March 14, 2011
The Women Tell All = You're a bitch, no YOU are a bitch
Ah, in the excitement of starting my new job as a manager, I never did get to my recap of the Women Tell All. Here's your quick and dirty recap. (heh, heh, I said quick and dirty)
Anyway, here it goes, pay attention!
Michelle's skirt is ugly and doesn't match her top.
Jackie talks a lot.
Stacey, the girl from Bahston talks a lot too.
Ashley S is sorry, a bunch.
The other Ashley is still annoying.
Michelle cries.
That blond girl that got the boot halfway through pipes up, and Jackie and Stacey talk a lot more.
Michelle cries.
Chris Harrison disappoints us all by believing her crap.
Over half the girls are wearing huge earrings and/or necklaces.
Michelle cries some more.
I drink wine.
Brad comes out.
They talk about Ashley's makeover
Shawntal doesn't say a word.
Brad says he's happy and leads us to believe this time he did pick one.
There. Take it or leave it.
Anyway, here it goes, pay attention!
Michelle's skirt is ugly and doesn't match her top.
Jackie talks a lot.
Stacey, the girl from Bahston talks a lot too.
Ashley S is sorry, a bunch.
The other Ashley is still annoying.
Michelle cries.
That blond girl that got the boot halfway through pipes up, and Jackie and Stacey talk a lot more.
Michelle cries.
Chris Harrison disappoints us all by believing her crap.
Over half the girls are wearing huge earrings and/or necklaces.
Michelle cries some more.
I drink wine.
Brad comes out.
They talk about Ashley's makeover
Shawntal doesn't say a word.
Brad says he's happy and leads us to believe this time he did pick one.
There. Take it or leave it.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
It's a Jungle Out There
Lions, tigers, and bears, oh my. Actually, lions, giraffes, and elephants for this circus. The previews show the drama about to unfold - Will Emily enter the fantasy suite? Will Chantal's dress be able to cover her boobs? And will Ashley say "like". Spoiler alert - the answer is yes to all three.
First, Brad has to leave NY and head to South Africa. He packs his sh*t and talks about his feelings. He's emotional, nervous and anxious. I'm just bored, so as usual, I drink more wine. Is it just me, or is this guy boring??? He has trust issues. WE KNOW, YOU TOLD US 500 TIMES!!! He then talks about the 3 women left - Chantal, they have chemistry, but she might be too emotional, Ashley, she might be too annoying, and Emily, she might be too perfect. Ah, but one of these will fit just right!
Anyway, Brad arrives and he tells us it's a little dangerous. It would be more dangerous if Crazy Michelle were still around.... Moving on...
First date is with Chantal. She's in love and wants to hang out. So that means go on a safari. They see a group of sleeping lions. Surely, there is a fence between them. We don't see it, but there has to be, right???? Then they are perplexed by a giraffe. Then they see more animals and then are walked down to a river with a picnic basket. The guide taking them there has a gun. They don't. They have a picnic and talk about how dangerous it is, there is a hippo in the river..... She tells us she felt safe with Brad. Fine, you stay with Brad, I'll take the guy with the gun.
Brad - "Who eats lunch with a hippo?"
Me - "I do, but that's because I'm at home and my dog is fat". Ha ha. Poor Tia. She knows I love my fat girl.
They don't get eaten by lions, and make it to the dinner portion of the date. Just get to the date card, she wants to prove to him she loves him. Prove it all night, isn't that a Bruce Springsteen song?
They eat, drink, and talk about all the next steps. Finally Chantal gets the card, grabs the key, and says they are going to the fantasy suite, and they are going NOW. The fantasy suite is a treehouse in the middle of the jungle. She's amazed, I wonder where the bathroom is. I'm not much on camping as it is, but you want me to go pee outside where lions are???? Where is that guy with the gun again?
They make out, the cameras leave, we assume she makes good on her promise to "prove" her love to him.
Now, time for date #2, Perfect Emily.
He's happy to see Em. They meet in the middle of the jungle, and then he leaves her standing there. He comes back with an elephant. She says, say it with me "SHUT UP". Oh, and it's her dream come true. I don't mean to brag, but I once rode one at the San Antonio zoo, and then one at the Renaissance fair.
Back to their date, they see baby elephants and now it's time for the picnic part, they discuss her daughter, and life with a 5 year old. It's all quite boring. I drink more wine.
On to dinner. Will she take the card for the fantasy suite, we have been led on all week by the promos that she won't.
Emily - "I'm a mom, and I want to be a good example, but...."
Me - She's going to the fantasy suite, but she ain't putting out.
Emily shocks him, and the rest of us by telling Brad she is falling in love with him. He tells her that he is falling in love with her too. Oh, sh*t, just wait until Chantal sees that!
Next up, get ready for a "like"-a-thon, and lots of shrieking with Ashley. She's wearing a pair of daisy dukes and flip flops. Not sure that's the best choice for the jungle. Oh well. Oh, and there is a helicopter, so there is a lot of shrieking and she runs the other way. I run downstairs and get more wine. And of course, first stop, is a picnic.
Then Ashley starts talking, talking and talking. Where is Emily when we need a "SHUT UP"? They talk about where to live, and her career. Brad is worried about them being different places in their life. Well, it might help if you date someone closer to your age.... just saying. Nothing wrong with an age gap, but if that's your issue....
Let's wrap up this date, they have dinner. She shrieks, I drink, and Brad is boring. She talks some more, and is annoying. She takes the date card, but it just doesn't go well. She makes it to the fantasy suite, but she won't be making it to Austin.
Time for the rose ceremony. The 3 girls line up, and Brad asks Ashley if they can talk. Chantal and Emily awkwardly stand there.
Brad drags her halfway across the set, and up a whole bunch of stairs. Poor girl is in ridiculous heels. He tells her their date didn't go well, and he's sorry for that. He tells her that their relationship started out well, but it has now fallen apart. He feels they have bad mis-communication and might not fit into her life. She is frustrated. All of this goes over about as well as it ever does when you get the "it's over" speech. He goes to hug her, and we hope she stomps on his foot with those shoes. He can't understand what's wrong with her. Here's a clue - you just dumped her, and the "you are wonderful and I wish it were different" speech doesn't really help. Trust me, it pisses all women off, even more.
She leaves and cries in the car. I feel bad for her, but please, don't let her be the next Bachelorette.
He returns and tells the good news/bad news to the other 2. He still gives out the 2 roses. The good news is Shrieking Ashley is gone, the bad news is they have to keep dating his boring a**.
He gives out the 2 roses, and of course, they accept it. They awkwardly hug and talk about going to meet his family. He tells them they are staying in South Africa, but moving on to Capetown. He lets out some really weird giggle, I guess it was left over from Ashley.
Oh, at least next week won't be boring - it's the Women Tell All!!! Bring it.
First, Brad has to leave NY and head to South Africa. He packs his sh*t and talks about his feelings. He's emotional, nervous and anxious. I'm just bored, so as usual, I drink more wine. Is it just me, or is this guy boring??? He has trust issues. WE KNOW, YOU TOLD US 500 TIMES!!! He then talks about the 3 women left - Chantal, they have chemistry, but she might be too emotional, Ashley, she might be too annoying, and Emily, she might be too perfect. Ah, but one of these will fit just right!
Anyway, Brad arrives and he tells us it's a little dangerous. It would be more dangerous if Crazy Michelle were still around.... Moving on...
First date is with Chantal. She's in love and wants to hang out. So that means go on a safari. They see a group of sleeping lions. Surely, there is a fence between them. We don't see it, but there has to be, right???? Then they are perplexed by a giraffe. Then they see more animals and then are walked down to a river with a picnic basket. The guide taking them there has a gun. They don't. They have a picnic and talk about how dangerous it is, there is a hippo in the river..... She tells us she felt safe with Brad. Fine, you stay with Brad, I'll take the guy with the gun.
Brad - "Who eats lunch with a hippo?"
Me - "I do, but that's because I'm at home and my dog is fat". Ha ha. Poor Tia. She knows I love my fat girl.
They don't get eaten by lions, and make it to the dinner portion of the date. Just get to the date card, she wants to prove to him she loves him. Prove it all night, isn't that a Bruce Springsteen song?
They eat, drink, and talk about all the next steps. Finally Chantal gets the card, grabs the key, and says they are going to the fantasy suite, and they are going NOW. The fantasy suite is a treehouse in the middle of the jungle. She's amazed, I wonder where the bathroom is. I'm not much on camping as it is, but you want me to go pee outside where lions are???? Where is that guy with the gun again?
They make out, the cameras leave, we assume she makes good on her promise to "prove" her love to him.
Now, time for date #2, Perfect Emily.
He's happy to see Em. They meet in the middle of the jungle, and then he leaves her standing there. He comes back with an elephant. She says, say it with me "SHUT UP". Oh, and it's her dream come true. I don't mean to brag, but I once rode one at the San Antonio zoo, and then one at the Renaissance fair.
Back to their date, they see baby elephants and now it's time for the picnic part, they discuss her daughter, and life with a 5 year old. It's all quite boring. I drink more wine.
On to dinner. Will she take the card for the fantasy suite, we have been led on all week by the promos that she won't.
Emily - "I'm a mom, and I want to be a good example, but...."
Me - She's going to the fantasy suite, but she ain't putting out.
Emily shocks him, and the rest of us by telling Brad she is falling in love with him. He tells her that he is falling in love with her too. Oh, sh*t, just wait until Chantal sees that!
Next up, get ready for a "like"-a-thon, and lots of shrieking with Ashley. She's wearing a pair of daisy dukes and flip flops. Not sure that's the best choice for the jungle. Oh well. Oh, and there is a helicopter, so there is a lot of shrieking and she runs the other way. I run downstairs and get more wine. And of course, first stop, is a picnic.
Then Ashley starts talking, talking and talking. Where is Emily when we need a "SHUT UP"? They talk about where to live, and her career. Brad is worried about them being different places in their life. Well, it might help if you date someone closer to your age.... just saying. Nothing wrong with an age gap, but if that's your issue....
Let's wrap up this date, they have dinner. She shrieks, I drink, and Brad is boring. She talks some more, and is annoying. She takes the date card, but it just doesn't go well. She makes it to the fantasy suite, but she won't be making it to Austin.
Time for the rose ceremony. The 3 girls line up, and Brad asks Ashley if they can talk. Chantal and Emily awkwardly stand there.
Brad drags her halfway across the set, and up a whole bunch of stairs. Poor girl is in ridiculous heels. He tells her their date didn't go well, and he's sorry for that. He tells her that their relationship started out well, but it has now fallen apart. He feels they have bad mis-communication and might not fit into her life. She is frustrated. All of this goes over about as well as it ever does when you get the "it's over" speech. He goes to hug her, and we hope she stomps on his foot with those shoes. He can't understand what's wrong with her. Here's a clue - you just dumped her, and the "you are wonderful and I wish it were different" speech doesn't really help. Trust me, it pisses all women off, even more.
She leaves and cries in the car. I feel bad for her, but please, don't let her be the next Bachelorette.
He returns and tells the good news/bad news to the other 2. He still gives out the 2 roses. The good news is Shrieking Ashley is gone, the bad news is they have to keep dating his boring a**.
He gives out the 2 roses, and of course, they accept it. They awkwardly hug and talk about going to meet his family. He tells them they are staying in South Africa, but moving on to Capetown. He lets out some really weird giggle, I guess it was left over from Ashley.
Oh, at least next week won't be boring - it's the Women Tell All!!! Bring it.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Big homes, Little homes, and Go Home.
Ah, the home town dates. At the end will be a new recipe with goat cheese. I tried it at a party, and it was well received.
Now, let's just get to it. This will likely be my shortest blog, because, well, I found this quite boring. He's boring, I'm bored, but at least I have wine. Sadly, this boredom makes me miss both Crazy Michelles and Douchebag Craig..... So here comes the 4 home town dates. Emotional Chantal, Creepy Shawntal, Shrieking Ashley, and Perfect Emily.
Brad puts on his thinking cap. No seriously, I can't think of any other explanation for that hat.
On to his visit with Chantal.
Brad - I worry she's emotional.
Me - Look, she's a chick, but she's not totally crazy.
Brad arrives in Seattle to see her, Chantal tells us she is in love with him, and reminds us again she is divorced. I'm almost as tired of that as of Tenley's failed marriage.
Brad arrives wearing the Back to the Future vest that Michael J. Fox wore as Marty McFly. I look at him like Doc, just not with the crazy hair.
They missed each other, she lives 4 streets over from her parents. Time for him to meet her pets, and then her parents. Oh, and he wants to live in Austin, and she knows it and doesn't care. Let's get this party started.
And her dog is an itty-bitty pom that looks mostly like a big ball of fluff. Don't let that fool you, the last dog that bit me was a pom (yeah, Hayden, you know it was you). And she has 2 boring cats.
Chantal - OMG. It's awesome to have you here. OMG. OMG.
Me - Can I have one of your Coronas?
Time to meet her parents. Brad is still sporting his Marty McFly look.
They head the 4 streets over and knock on their door. I'm not sure about y'all, but I don't knock at my parents house.
Anyway, did I say house? Excuse me, I meant mansion. Brad calls it a large house, we call it a mansion.
We meet her mom, dad and brother. And now we know what Chantal will look like in 25 years, as long as she visits the same plastic surgeron as Billiie Jo, her mom. Oh, why couldn't it have been Billie Jean? There would have been a lot more jokes with that. As for the surgeon, well, considering they have the same boob job, I'd say her chances of looking just like Billie Jo are optimal.
They have dinner, and her family has a wine collection that makes me swoon.
Chantal's dad - This is a statue a friend of mine introduced me to.
Me - Brad is the statue your daughter introduced you to!
Brad - Uh, can I get more wine?
Brad has ditched the Marty McFly vest and they talk daddy issues, family, and settling down. We get another shot of that impressive wine collection and Chantal, Brad and family all agree it went well.
Next is Ashley in Maine. There is a lot of shrieking and I wish I could get some wine from Chantal's dad.
Ashley starts off the date telling him, they have been disconnected. No, he's just been seeing other girls. He's annoyed, so she switches gears and tells him he looks cute. She sounds like she is 12, and I drink more wine.
She drops another cute - where she worked in high school.
She tells him they have a bunch French "Acadians" here. He astutely observes it's because they are right on the border. She tells him her mom will explain what that is, but we never get that explanation. I guess I'll be bugging our resident Candian, Randy Melin to find out. They order some weird dish called Quix-in. No idea how to spell it, but that's okay, he answers Si, instead of Oui. Oh, snap, I did the same thing when I went to Paris. Anyway, this Quix-in thing comes, and it's French fries with cheese and brown gravy. OH THE HORROR. EVERYONE KNOWS IT SHOULD BE WHITE COUNTRY GRAVY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE????
She feeds Brad a fry of blasphemy and tells him she sees his crown. And they go back to their "beating a dead horse" and talk about reassuring each other. I'm about to make a run to Dairy Queen for some fries and freaking WHITE COUNTRY GRAVY.
They leave the restaurant to go shopping for dinner with her family, they get lobster, and Ashley reminds him they are in Maine, just in case he forgot. She shrieks, I drink. I long for Emily's "shut up". They buy vegetables and fruit at some honor system cart. They take pictures at the city's sign. Again, she shrieks, I drink.
They arrive at the house, Ashley jumps up and down and shrieks some more. Her mom shried,s her sister shrieks, she hops like a bunny in his arms. He likes it, I find it annoying. Maybe that's why I am single, because I just don't get that.
Her sister is sporting a big chest tattoo. They eat lobster and annoy me some more. Dammit. I really really to teach these dogs of mine to fetch me more wine.
Ashley's dad is sporting one of the ugliest shirts in the world. Chest tattoo sister tells him that Ashley in the perfect place for a relationship.
Let's end this. There is more jumping, shrieking and drinking for all of us.
Now, it's Halloween time, Shawntal and her mauselum.
We see Shawntal in mini-dress and boots. Damn, you have to admit the girl is smoking hot. However, I believe she needs a goth, rocker type.
She gives him the tour of the family business - here are urns, the crematory (?) and the embalming table. Okay, moving on and summarizing. He meets the family, it's a lukewarm reception. Her dad wants Shawntal to take over the business. End of story. Shawntal said she's work as an embalmer in Austin. We all know that is not going to happen. Chico, you will be keeping your favorite undertaker.
On to perfection - we have Emily in Charlotte with her daughter, Ricki.
Brad arrives to meet them. Ricki is shy and hides. Again, it's summary time, as all this was boring too. Brad brought her a kite. They fly it. The kid giggles, but still doesn't have much to say. They head back home and see Ricki's room. I think her room is bigger than my house. They play games, and then the kid goes to bed.
Emily is for making out on the couch, Brad isn't.
Brad - I've never dated a woman with kids.
Me - You are 37 and single, but never dated anyone with kids? How can that be? Never mind. Just like Matthew McConnehey in Dazed in Confused, he likes 'em young.
He finally kisses her good bye at her door, and speaking of Matthew McConnehey, he's in a commercial for a movie coming out. Yes, I have read that book, and yes, I will see that movie.
Okay, time to wrap it up, rose ceremony time. We all know Elivira, I mean Shawntal is going home, but we watch anyway.
I wonder who did Chantal's hair, and why they didn't give her some spanx. Look, girl, we have all been there, sometimes we have an extra 5 pounds.
And just as we thought Shawntal goes home.
Brad to Shawntal - Can we go over here, so no one can hear?
Me - Except the show?
I genuinely feel bad for her, and she handles it gracefully. My only issue is she goes on about how wonderful Brad treated her and how perfect he is. Sigh. Look, face it, the clothes you got in Vegas had more personality than he does.
Ashley assumes her Debbie Downer role again and reminds Emily and Chantal that it's sad because that crying mess will be one of them next week. At this point, my money is on that it will be her.
We get to hear more from Shawntal on how perfect Brad was. Shawntal, I promise, you can do better.
Brad goes back in and tells the last 3, they are going to South Africa. Chantal steals Emily's "shut up", and Ashley squeals and shrieks. Then we have a preview of Emily telling an elephan to "shut up". Oh, next week will be fun, as it's fantasy suite week.
This week's recipe. Make sweet Italian turkey sausage. Mix with Goat Cheese. Use 3 sheets of phyllo dough (brush butter on each layer). Cut sheets in 4 pieces, put in a spoonful of the sausage cheese mixture, and roll up and bake. DELISH.
Now, let's just get to it. This will likely be my shortest blog, because, well, I found this quite boring. He's boring, I'm bored, but at least I have wine. Sadly, this boredom makes me miss both Crazy Michelles and Douchebag Craig..... So here comes the 4 home town dates. Emotional Chantal, Creepy Shawntal, Shrieking Ashley, and Perfect Emily.
Brad puts on his thinking cap. No seriously, I can't think of any other explanation for that hat.
On to his visit with Chantal.
Brad - I worry she's emotional.
Me - Look, she's a chick, but she's not totally crazy.
Brad arrives in Seattle to see her, Chantal tells us she is in love with him, and reminds us again she is divorced. I'm almost as tired of that as of Tenley's failed marriage.
Brad arrives wearing the Back to the Future vest that Michael J. Fox wore as Marty McFly. I look at him like Doc, just not with the crazy hair.
They missed each other, she lives 4 streets over from her parents. Time for him to meet her pets, and then her parents. Oh, and he wants to live in Austin, and she knows it and doesn't care. Let's get this party started.
And her dog is an itty-bitty pom that looks mostly like a big ball of fluff. Don't let that fool you, the last dog that bit me was a pom (yeah, Hayden, you know it was you). And she has 2 boring cats.
Chantal - OMG. It's awesome to have you here. OMG. OMG.
Me - Can I have one of your Coronas?
Time to meet her parents. Brad is still sporting his Marty McFly look.
They head the 4 streets over and knock on their door. I'm not sure about y'all, but I don't knock at my parents house.
Anyway, did I say house? Excuse me, I meant mansion. Brad calls it a large house, we call it a mansion.
We meet her mom, dad and brother. And now we know what Chantal will look like in 25 years, as long as she visits the same plastic surgeron as Billiie Jo, her mom. Oh, why couldn't it have been Billie Jean? There would have been a lot more jokes with that. As for the surgeon, well, considering they have the same boob job, I'd say her chances of looking just like Billie Jo are optimal.
They have dinner, and her family has a wine collection that makes me swoon.
Chantal's dad - This is a statue a friend of mine introduced me to.
Me - Brad is the statue your daughter introduced you to!
Brad - Uh, can I get more wine?
Brad has ditched the Marty McFly vest and they talk daddy issues, family, and settling down. We get another shot of that impressive wine collection and Chantal, Brad and family all agree it went well.
Next is Ashley in Maine. There is a lot of shrieking and I wish I could get some wine from Chantal's dad.
Ashley starts off the date telling him, they have been disconnected. No, he's just been seeing other girls. He's annoyed, so she switches gears and tells him he looks cute. She sounds like she is 12, and I drink more wine.
She drops another cute - where she worked in high school.
She tells him they have a bunch French "Acadians" here. He astutely observes it's because they are right on the border. She tells him her mom will explain what that is, but we never get that explanation. I guess I'll be bugging our resident Candian, Randy Melin to find out. They order some weird dish called Quix-in. No idea how to spell it, but that's okay, he answers Si, instead of Oui. Oh, snap, I did the same thing when I went to Paris. Anyway, this Quix-in thing comes, and it's French fries with cheese and brown gravy. OH THE HORROR. EVERYONE KNOWS IT SHOULD BE WHITE COUNTRY GRAVY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE????
She feeds Brad a fry of blasphemy and tells him she sees his crown. And they go back to their "beating a dead horse" and talk about reassuring each other. I'm about to make a run to Dairy Queen for some fries and freaking WHITE COUNTRY GRAVY.
They leave the restaurant to go shopping for dinner with her family, they get lobster, and Ashley reminds him they are in Maine, just in case he forgot. She shrieks, I drink. I long for Emily's "shut up". They buy vegetables and fruit at some honor system cart. They take pictures at the city's sign. Again, she shrieks, I drink.
They arrive at the house, Ashley jumps up and down and shrieks some more. Her mom shried,s her sister shrieks, she hops like a bunny in his arms. He likes it, I find it annoying. Maybe that's why I am single, because I just don't get that.
Her sister is sporting a big chest tattoo. They eat lobster and annoy me some more. Dammit. I really really to teach these dogs of mine to fetch me more wine.
Ashley's dad is sporting one of the ugliest shirts in the world. Chest tattoo sister tells him that Ashley in the perfect place for a relationship.
Let's end this. There is more jumping, shrieking and drinking for all of us.
Now, it's Halloween time, Shawntal and her mauselum.
We see Shawntal in mini-dress and boots. Damn, you have to admit the girl is smoking hot. However, I believe she needs a goth, rocker type.
She gives him the tour of the family business - here are urns, the crematory (?) and the embalming table. Okay, moving on and summarizing. He meets the family, it's a lukewarm reception. Her dad wants Shawntal to take over the business. End of story. Shawntal said she's work as an embalmer in Austin. We all know that is not going to happen. Chico, you will be keeping your favorite undertaker.
On to perfection - we have Emily in Charlotte with her daughter, Ricki.
Brad arrives to meet them. Ricki is shy and hides. Again, it's summary time, as all this was boring too. Brad brought her a kite. They fly it. The kid giggles, but still doesn't have much to say. They head back home and see Ricki's room. I think her room is bigger than my house. They play games, and then the kid goes to bed.
Emily is for making out on the couch, Brad isn't.
Brad - I've never dated a woman with kids.
Me - You are 37 and single, but never dated anyone with kids? How can that be? Never mind. Just like Matthew McConnehey in Dazed in Confused, he likes 'em young.
He finally kisses her good bye at her door, and speaking of Matthew McConnehey, he's in a commercial for a movie coming out. Yes, I have read that book, and yes, I will see that movie.
Okay, time to wrap it up, rose ceremony time. We all know Elivira, I mean Shawntal is going home, but we watch anyway.
I wonder who did Chantal's hair, and why they didn't give her some spanx. Look, girl, we have all been there, sometimes we have an extra 5 pounds.
And just as we thought Shawntal goes home.
Brad to Shawntal - Can we go over here, so no one can hear?
Me - Except the show?
I genuinely feel bad for her, and she handles it gracefully. My only issue is she goes on about how wonderful Brad treated her and how perfect he is. Sigh. Look, face it, the clothes you got in Vegas had more personality than he does.
Ashley assumes her Debbie Downer role again and reminds Emily and Chantal that it's sad because that crying mess will be one of them next week. At this point, my money is on that it will be her.
We get to hear more from Shawntal on how perfect Brad was. Shawntal, I promise, you can do better.
Brad goes back in and tells the last 3, they are going to South Africa. Chantal steals Emily's "shut up", and Ashley squeals and shrieks. Then we have a preview of Emily telling an elephan to "shut up". Oh, next week will be fun, as it's fantasy suite week.
This week's recipe. Make sweet Italian turkey sausage. Mix with Goat Cheese. Use 3 sheets of phyllo dough (brush butter on each layer). Cut sheets in 4 pieces, put in a spoonful of the sausage cheese mixture, and roll up and bake. DELISH.
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