Big homes, Little homes, and Go Home.

Ah, the home town dates. At the end will be a new recipe with goat cheese. I tried it at a party, and it was well received.

Now, let's just get to it. This will likely be my shortest blog, because, well, I found this quite boring. He's boring, I'm bored, but at least I have wine. Sadly, this boredom makes me miss both Crazy Michelles and Douchebag Craig..... So here comes the 4 home town dates. Emotional Chantal, Creepy Shawntal, Shrieking Ashley, and Perfect Emily.

Brad puts on his thinking cap. No seriously, I can't think of any other explanation for that hat.
On to his visit with Chantal.

Brad - I worry she's emotional.

Me - Look, she's a chick, but she's not totally crazy.

Brad arrives in Seattle to see her, Chantal tells us she is in love with him, and reminds us again she is divorced. I'm almost as tired of that as of Tenley's failed marriage.

Brad arrives wearing the Back to the Future vest that Michael J. Fox wore as Marty McFly. I look at him like Doc, just not with the crazy hair.

They missed each other, she lives 4 streets over from her parents. Time for him to meet her pets, and then her parents. Oh, and he wants to live in Austin, and she knows it and doesn't care. Let's get this party started.

And her dog is an itty-bitty pom that looks mostly like a big ball of fluff. Don't let that fool you, the last dog that bit me was a pom (yeah, Hayden, you know it was you). And she has 2 boring cats.

Chantal - OMG. It's awesome to have you here. OMG. OMG.

Me - Can I have one of your Coronas?

Time to meet her parents. Brad is still sporting his Marty McFly look.

They head the 4 streets over and knock on their door. I'm not sure about y'all, but I don't knock at my parents house.

Anyway, did I say house? Excuse me, I meant mansion. Brad calls it a large house, we call it a mansion.

We meet her mom, dad and brother. And now we know what Chantal will look like in 25 years, as long as she visits the same plastic surgeron as Billiie Jo, her mom. Oh, why couldn't it have been Billie Jean? There would have been a lot more jokes with that. As for the surgeon, well, considering they have the same boob job, I'd say her chances of looking just like Billie Jo are optimal.

They have dinner, and her family has a wine collection that makes me swoon.

Chantal's dad - This is a statue a friend of mine introduced me to.

Me - Brad is the statue your daughter introduced you to!

Brad - Uh, can I get more wine?

Brad has ditched the Marty McFly vest and they talk daddy issues, family, and settling down. We get another shot of that impressive wine collection and Chantal, Brad and family all agree it went well.

Next is Ashley in Maine. There is a lot of shrieking and I wish I could get some wine from Chantal's dad.

Ashley starts off the date telling him, they have been disconnected. No, he's just been seeing other girls. He's annoyed, so she switches gears and tells him he looks cute. She sounds like she is 12, and I drink more wine.

She drops another cute - where she worked in high school.

She tells him they have a bunch French "Acadians" here. He astutely observes it's because they are right on the border. She tells him her mom will explain what that is, but we never get that explanation. I guess I'll be bugging our resident Candian, Randy Melin to find out. They order some weird dish called Quix-in. No idea how to spell it, but that's okay, he answers Si, instead of Oui. Oh, snap, I did the same thing when I went to Paris. Anyway, this Quix-in thing comes, and it's French fries with cheese and brown gravy. OH THE HORROR. EVERYONE KNOWS IT SHOULD BE WHITE COUNTRY GRAVY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE????

She feeds Brad a fry of blasphemy and tells him she sees his crown. And they go back to their "beating a dead horse" and talk about reassuring each other. I'm about to make a run to Dairy Queen for some fries and freaking WHITE COUNTRY GRAVY.

They leave the restaurant to go shopping for dinner with her family, they get lobster, and Ashley reminds him they are in Maine, just in case he forgot. She shrieks, I drink. I long for Emily's "shut up". They buy vegetables and fruit at some honor system cart. They take pictures at the city's sign. Again, she shrieks, I drink.

They arrive at the house, Ashley jumps up and down and shrieks some more. Her mom shried,s her sister shrieks, she hops like a bunny in his arms. He likes it, I find it annoying. Maybe that's why I am single, because I just don't get that.

Her sister is sporting a big chest tattoo. They eat lobster and annoy me some more. Dammit. I really really to teach these dogs of mine to fetch me more wine.

Ashley's dad is sporting one of the ugliest shirts in the world. Chest tattoo sister tells him that Ashley in the perfect place for a relationship.

Let's end this. There is more jumping, shrieking and drinking for all of us.

Now, it's Halloween time, Shawntal and her mauselum.

We see Shawntal in mini-dress and boots. Damn, you have to admit the girl is smoking hot. However, I believe she needs a goth, rocker type.

She gives him the tour of the family business - here are urns, the crematory (?) and the embalming table. Okay, moving on and summarizing. He meets the family, it's a lukewarm reception. Her dad wants Shawntal to take over the business. End of story. Shawntal said she's work as an embalmer in Austin. We all know that is not going to happen. Chico, you will be keeping your favorite undertaker.

On to perfection - we have Emily in Charlotte with her daughter, Ricki.

Brad arrives to meet them. Ricki is shy and hides. Again, it's summary time, as all this was boring too. Brad brought her a kite. They fly it. The kid giggles, but still doesn't have much to say. They head back home and see Ricki's room. I think her room is bigger than my house. They play games, and then the kid goes to bed.

Emily is for making out on the couch, Brad isn't.

Brad - I've never dated a woman with kids.

Me - You are 37 and single, but never dated anyone with kids? How can that be? Never mind. Just like Matthew McConnehey in Dazed in Confused, he likes 'em young.

He finally kisses her good bye at her door, and speaking of Matthew McConnehey, he's in a commercial for a movie coming out. Yes, I have read that book, and yes, I will see that movie.

Okay, time to wrap it up, rose ceremony time. We all know Elivira, I mean Shawntal is going home, but we watch anyway.

I wonder who did Chantal's hair, and why they didn't give her some spanx. Look, girl, we have all been there, sometimes we have an extra 5 pounds.

And just as we thought Shawntal goes home.

Brad to Shawntal - Can we go over here, so no one can hear?

Me - Except the show?

I genuinely feel bad for her, and she handles it gracefully. My only issue is she goes on about how wonderful Brad treated her and how perfect he is. Sigh. Look, face it, the clothes you got in Vegas had more personality than he does.

Ashley assumes her Debbie Downer role again and reminds Emily and Chantal that it's sad because that crying mess will be one of them next week. At this point, my money is on that it will be her.

We get to hear more from Shawntal on how perfect Brad was. Shawntal, I promise, you can do better.

Brad goes back in and tells the last 3, they are going to South Africa. Chantal steals Emily's "shut up", and Ashley squeals and shrieks. Then we have a preview of Emily telling an elephan to "shut up". Oh, next week will be fun, as it's fantasy suite week.

This week's recipe. Make sweet Italian turkey sausage. Mix with Goat Cheese. Use 3 sheets of phyllo dough (brush butter on each layer). Cut sheets in 4 pieces, put in a spoonful of the sausage cheese mixture, and roll up and bake. DELISH.