This week, the Bachelorette takes it to Taiwan. The 4 that leave with her, get the home town dates. 6 left, 2 will go, 4 will show end up showing America if their family is normal or not.
Oh, and Chris Harrison "interviews" Emily about her break up with Brad. Spoiler alert - get ready for "you know". You know?
So let's get to it.
Ashley blabs about how she's on yet another fresh start. She gives us the low down on the guys - Ryan is safe, Lucas is a good guy, Ames is awkward, Ben is nice, and Constantine is hot (in her opinion) and not much else. And JP makes her feel secure, even if he is not. More on that later.
Chris Harrison greets the "fellas". He does the "6 - 2 =4 home town dates" math for them. Group dates has a rose, solo dates don't.
Constantine gets the first one on one date. He's puts on an ugly shirt while JP whines and acts like a girl. Yeah, I said that.
So back to Constantine and Ashley - they take a train to a little town. Again, she is wearing ridiculously high heels. How can her feet not be killing her?
Also, since it has been pointed out she has such little boobs, they keep giving her backless shirts.
They take a train to a small village.
Constantine: It's like we are going back in time.
Me: No, it's just a small village in a different country with a different way of life. Genius.
We find out why they are sent to this obscure village. A Lantern festival. He gives her a piggy-back ride while walking down the train tracks. Not sure what that was about, except that he's a big dude, and she's itty-bitty, so he can. I am also not sure what irritates me the most about it, the fact that it is a) pointless b) necessary because there are rocks and she has on stilettos, or c) no man could ever carry me that way. Moving on now.
They paint a lantern and call it their "love lantern". And then their "wish will come true" when they release it. They paint it with what they want from love. They get all the basics - love, wedding, marriage, family, and longevity. Nothing about who pays the bills, how money is spent, who mows the yard or who does the housework. I mean, those are just details, right?
Back in the suite, the next solo date card arrives and it goes to Ben. Ryan and JP almost blow a gasket. Ames is the one who read the card so he uses his Harvard/Columbia/Princeton education to ascertain that the clue in the date card should read "gorgeous" but says "gorges".
Back to finish the first date, Constantine and Ashley have their dinner portion of the date. She admits that she finds him quite attractive. He finds her genuine. And then she asks him when he's going to fall in love with her. For some reason, they discuss Brad again. Seriously, let that go. At least it wasn't Bentley. They like each other, but he's going slow. And she's okay with that, well, for now.
Arg, is this damn date over yet? No, they have to go release that stupid balloon so their wish will come true.
And then everyone else let's their balloons go. This lantern wish thing is big!
Now it's time for Ben's date. They take a moped to explore the park. She does her best Jillian squeal and they take off.
He tells us they are going places. No duh, you are driving the moped.
He calls her kiddo, I want to barf but I drink wine instead. Better option.
She feels like he's the man because he's driving the moped. Sigh. That joke is too easy. Again, make your own.
Back to the other dudes, tensions rise. The group date card arrives, and Ryan uses his entrepreneurial skills to deduce that whoever isn't on the group date, gets a one on one date. I'll cut through the agony here. He gets the one on one, while JP seethes with jealousy and gets group time along with Ames and Lucas.
Back to end Ben and Ashley's one on one. She's wearing a black bubble skirt.. I think I wore one of those to Homecoming one year.
Ben tells us he thinks he is in love. However, they discuss the possibility of a home town date. At this point, he is the front runner to me. And he dances around telling her that he is in love. It's boring, so we are going to move on.
Group date time, but wait. Ben hasn't made it home from his one on one date yet. JP isn't handling this well. He is starting to remind me of Crazy Michelle (2nd one, Michelle Money). More on that later.
Ben shows up, and admits he slept in his own room.
So let's start the group date, where JP is going to pull a "Money". Again, more on that later.
They group date is taking Taiwanese wedding photos. She asks the guys if they are excited, and they lie and say they are.
I'd like to take a moment here and point out a few things. Where are all the fun dates where they pile into a chauffeured car and get served booze? And where is the booze on the dates? I mean, did Tim from the first show drink up all the booze they had in the budget? At this point, I shall surmise the only one getting booze on this date is me, so I better refill my glass of wine.
For the first shoot, the guys get dressed. Lucas gets a gold dress. Ames gets Wayne Newton's Vegas suit, and JP gets a plain tux. The wardrobe guys must have been sick of listening to him bitch.
And now JP is "money". Again, more on that later.
Lucas and Ashley take pictures first - in his gold dress. Which apparently is the traditional Taiwanese dress. And they kiss in one of the pictures. JP continues to be "money".
Now Ames gets his turn, and he pretends to be Elton John (yes, as in he once married a woman, follow me here). And JP continues his "money" show.
He gets his turn with pictures, the only one in normal dress and he continues to pout. They muddle through the pictures and finally we get to the cocktail party. Hopefully they will bust out with some booze for these guys.
A quick aside - the date card arrives for Ryan. He is thrilled and pumped. Like we expected anything less.
Time to end the group date - JP finishes the "money" move. And now, finally I will explain. Remember the group date on Brad's season with the telenova date. Michelle Money, pouted, whined, cried and told us every 2 minutes it was her birthday. She whined to Brad about it and he ended up giving her the rose. Same thing works for JP. With the exception, it wasn't his birthday. So, that kids, is how a "money" move is done.
Time for Ryan's date. I'm going to summarize a bit here. They visit a temple with chanting people. He says it's romantic. Okay, whatever floats your boat. I find it interesting, not sure what is romantic about people chanting in a language I can't understand. Anyway, long story short, he talks about tankless hot water heaters, and she sends him home. He's shocked, can't believe it and cries. Look, you will find some girl to love. And I sure she will sew her own clothes, have her own compost and solar panels. I just know it. However, Ryan, keep in mind, while tankless hot water heaters are effective, apparently they aren't sexy.
Ashley meets with Chris Harrison, tells him she has her mind made up (again, what is with denying these guys a few free drinks!)
Roses and home town dates go to - JP (he had his from the "money" act), Constantine, Ben and Ames.
Lucas goes home, and we all know all he has to do is hit a few country bars and he'll have plenty of fillies following him home.
Now, it's time for Emily's interview. This is not going to take me long to recap for you. Because, well, we know. You know? It's sad. You know? I mean, you know? Paparazzi, my daughter, you know? It's sad. You know? Yes, yes, know we know. Except that we don't. So I'll draw my own conclusions here. Either she was never really into him, or he had a bad temper, or she now saw all the cool places Ashley got to go and wants her own show. Take your pick.
Previews of next week - there is roller skating, horse drawn carriages, pizza making and Constantine's dad mistakes her for a stripper. And Ben cries, but is happy.
Outtake - She and Constantine have to sit down (her shoes) and the love lantern is on the ground, and dog pees on it. Well, so much for that wish.
No comments:
Post a Comment