Oh, poor Ashley, she loved, learned, got dumped and got a new hair cut and color. She's thoughtful, sad, and pensive. But wait! Now, she's happy! She's dancing like no one is watching. Well, except everyone in her class and whoever watches the show. She's a fighter, she's Rocky. YO! Adrian. (you knew that was coming)
Either way, she's ready for love. She's cute, she's perky, she's a dancing dentist.
Enough about her, let's move to the excitement for the night. The man parade.
But before the man parade starts, we get a preview of it. They are hot, hunky, and hairless. Is it just me, or did that "manscaper" from Brad's season get a hold of all those boys?
Ryan - the do-gooder. Hey, I bet he recycles. He makes some cheesy sun/heart/love reference. Then it's JP the New York construction manager. Then the over-achiever, Ames. I hate him, and I think he should hook up with the Weatherman.
Hello, it's a nice southern boy. Ben C. Oh, he even plays the piano. Now, it's another Ben. Ben F. Oh, snap. He's a winemaker. Excuse me, this one is all mine. Oh, darn. Not that cute. He has this year's "my dad died" story.
Now it's Bentley. I'll go ahead and spoil it for you. He is this year's villain. A combination of Wes, and Douchebag Craig. I'd like to punch him. His daughter's name is Cozy. Who names their kid Cozy? This douchebag.
We now move on to the Godfather - Anthony the butcher.
West, his wife died. I can't make fun of that. And then he tells the story, and I'm suspicious. Is that wrong?
William - Cell phone salesman. Seems dorky and cute. Oh, and his dad died too. This year's Cape Cod Chris, well, except it's his dad and not his mom.
It's now time to begin the Man Parade. Ashley arrives in a glittery dress (which I love). Then she talks, and I drink more wine. Chris Harrison, the host, plays love counselor. Considering the Bachelor/Bachelorette track record, he's not the best sounding board. At this point, Ashley tells us she has already been forewarned about Bad Boy Bentley. (and will now be referred to as BBB) Oh, but she's going to give him a fair chance. Sigh, fill up the wine glass, let's get to the MEN!
And the first man out of the limo is............
Ryan P. - the solar guy. And he is adorable.
Jon - He picks her up to take her to the "honeymoon" She laughs. And I am hating her laugh.
Lucas - Tall Texan drink of water.
William - The cell phone guy.
Mickey - He uses the "From all the men in America" and goes to kiss her. She's not too sure. But he is cute.
And here is Tim. We'll see a lot of him. At first I thought he was just nervous. He's a liquor distributor. We'll find out later, he drank more than he distributed.
Ben C - The New Orleans lawyer that can play the piano. Oh, and now we find out he also speaks French! And she does too, or at least understands it.
Steven, the hairstylist - who she loves his hair, and he loves hers.
Chris D. - Oh, yeah baby! Then he does a dorky white boy rap. Interesting. Good thing he's cute.
Then it's West - opposite of East. We get it.
Let me also take this time to point out he's about the 5th guy to say "I'm a hugger" and hug her. At this point, one could drink every time "hugger" is said, and they will get really plowed. I'm going to assume that is what Tim did.
Anthony arrives, does some Godfather tradition, and looks a bit like Andy Garcia. Just not as cute. Nice gold chain. He's boring.
Rob - he tells her there is a difference between him and Brad - he doesn't have any crowns. Well, if he's just like Brad, we know he is more boring than Anthony.
Overachiever Ames arrives. He gives her ballet tickets. Barf.
Matt. Another cutie. He teaches her the family handshake. She doesn't quite get it.
And then it gets weird. Jeff, the entrepreneur shows up in a mask. We are going to veer off a bit here. When I was a little girl, I loved Batman and Robin, the one with Adam West and Burt Ward. And I loved Robin and his mask. So I can see where this might SEEM like a good idea, but it's not. That's not the mask that Robin wore. That mask is so bad, that even Zorro the Gay Blade (80's George Hamilton movie) would NOT wear it, nor ask the Alcalde to wear it. But you know who would? Bunny Wigglesworth. And now that I've told that joke, that likely only my older sister will get, we'll move on. (But, Michelle, that was funny, wasn't it??)
He says he wants her to get to know all about what's inside and not his face.
The mask totally freaks out the rest of the guys. Especially Tim, well, because he's seeing at least 2 of them at this point. More on that later.
Back to the Man Parade. Ben F, the winemaker arrives with 2 glasses, and a bottle of wine. She says the wine is great, but they don't bother telling us what in the hell it is.
Frank - he winks, kisses her hand, twirls her around, picks her up, dances with her, and dips her. Dip.
Ye-ow. Another cutie. Michael. He tells her he has never been so excited to see a dentist, and might require gassing. She tells him she can gas him later inside. Insert your own 8th grade boy "gas" joke here.
Chris M. - from Canada. I can usually understand those guys - but this one. I might need a translator.
Ryan M. - does the cheerleader pose. Then pulls out a camera and takes a few self-portraits. Hey, that's my thing! He also tells her to be sure and get a shot of him and Chris Harrison. Sure, on your way out.......
J.P. - the construction manager. I'm thinking he'll go far. All he brought is his smile, and it seems to be enough.
Nick - a personal trainer. He does the high-pitched girl "hey". And he recites a dorky poem for her. I like dorky poems. So he gets a pass.
Blake - fellow dentist.
BBB - Bad Boy Bentley. Remember, I hate him. So you should too.
Constantine - not the one from American Idol. He uses pink dental floss to tie a ring around her finger. She loves it. I hate it, but I guess that's neither here nor there.
Now it's time for the cocktail party. Let the real fun begin. The Canadian says something about actually getting to meet her. Which is as confusing as his accent - didn't they do that on the way in?
Ashley enters with the 2 handed wave. She asks for honesty. Where is that shot of BBB? So all the guys think she is beautiful. Ryan, immediately "steals" her. Someone says it takes "guts and nuts", which makes me giggle. Anyway, Ryan wows Ashley. And he is easy on the eyes.
Winemaker guy, Ben F., is next. His favorite wine is Cabernet. Really? I guess at least it wasn't f'n merlot. (Sideways reference)
Matt (I think) says he's not a momma's boy, but then calls his mom, Gayle. She tells them to make sure they use protection in the fantasy suite and not to forget their moms are watching. I'm sure she means they are watching the show, but still, funny and creepy a the same time.
The Canadian guy says something I only half understand, then one of them strums a guitar. Oh, we've seen this before.
But wait, no it's not. He just tossed the guitar in the pool. It was a prop, and I give him props on that one. While the other guys weren't as amused, I sure was!
Now back to the drunk and the drama queen. And I don't mean Ashley. Tim, the drunk, doesn't like that Jeff, the drama queen has on a mask. I mean, Tim really doesn't like it. Tim, it doesn't keep him, or you from drinking, so get over it and move on. But mask dude, really?
Chris Harrison drops off the first impression rose. This is where the claws would come out, if it were a group of women. But instead of claws, one of the guys says, "the competition is pretty stiff". HA HA HA. Stiff! That's what she said.
Anyway, the jockeying continues, and Ben C. pulls out the stops with poster boards. She is amused, the guys talking to her aren't. He was born in France and speaks French, and lived in England. I bet my English brother in law would hate him.Cute salesman William gets his turn. And he does impressions. And actually is very good. Funny guy. And again, another easy on the eyes guy. I'm impressed, she's impressed, and admit, you are too.
Now speaking of impressive - I'm going with the amount of booze Tim has consumed at this point. Now, as someone who does "overindulge" sometimes herself, if you are going on national television, REMEMBER TO LIMIT YOURSELF.
Anyway, back to the show and to Tim, Ashley tries to have a conversation with him. And he tells her he is probably drunk. Probably? Dude can't even say spirits. She feels bad, but not that bad, and tells him to drink his water.
Ashley: "Aw, I feel bad, I know about wasted opportunities".
Me: HA HA HA. Wasted. HA HA HA. Yep, talk about wasted.
But instead of drinking water, he's drinking more beer. This would be good, if it were a bachelor party. But it's not. And then the mask guy comes up. And Tim wants to fight him. I don't like his chances. I don't think he could hit the broad side of a barn at this point. He then passes out snoring like a mug on the couch. I really like the blanket he has. Looks comfy. Someone get me a blanket like that next time I drink too much.
Ashley is now amused/bewildered by this. She then recruits the other guys to haul his drunk ass out of there. Just don't send the masked guy over there. That freaks him out. They throw his ass in the back of a mini-van. I'm guessing there isn't a mini-bar in the back of it.
Now, that he's gone, the mask guy, Jeff can talk to Ashley. She asks about the mask, and he says he wants to take his face about the equation, this is after he tells her she is so beautiful. So, looks don't matter? Whatever.
J.P. and his smile get a turn. He's cute.
Now it's BBB's turn. Barf. Ashley tells us a friend knows his ex-wife. Hmm, he's in Salt Lake City, I wonder if it's Crazy Michelle! Ashley then has a conversation with him, and he's shifty-eyed the whole time. And she still doesn't catch on. She makes him promise to always be honest with her. Yeah, that has really worked before.
She finally hands out the first impression rose, and it goes to Ryan P. Good choice. BBB is just mad he lost. Chris Harrison arrives and says it's time for the rose ceremony.
Time to cull the herd, let's do the short version. Tim was already sent home, whether he knows it or not. Also going home are the following: Canadian guy I can't understand. Anthony - the Godfather's butcher. Then Rob, who? He's crushed. Aren't we all? Jon, he tried to take her straight to the honeymoon. Oh well. He beside himself over it, dang, what a girl.
Then we are treated to highlights of what's to come. There is romance, kissing, love, and lots of squealing. Then there are tears. And the mask guy on the toilet. And the other guys know that BBB is a douchebag. And more tears. And I'm guessing that BBB tells her he wishes it was Emily. Her biggest fear. Yeah, none of us measure up to her.
William does more impressions. He is really funny, and cute. Pick him. And she won't.
Wow...sounds interesting...I may just DVR it this season...I missed most of the bachelor one due to work or other shows on at the same time. :)
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