The Bachelor Pad - Rules for the Finale

Since tonight is the Bachelor Pad Finale, and we won't have the Bachelor until January, I decided to look back over my recipes, pick 2 cheeses and recipes and have the "Battle of the Cheeses".
In this corner - Camembert, a French Cheese.
In the opposite corner - Asiago, an Italian Cheese.
So of course, if we have 2 cheeses, you guessed it 2 wines, one French, one Italian. Hey, it's only fair! Bordeaux (Mouton Cadet), and Toscana (Villa Antinori).
I will be making my previous recipes with these cheeses and will post at the end of my recap. I will, of course, be the judge. However, my boyfriend is going to participate as a taster, and well, I will attempt to take his opinion into account.
So for my hard core party girls. (no need to name names, LeAnn and Leah Mae know who they are. Oops) Drink if someone says "I just want to win the money". Don't be afraid to kiss the cup, girls.

The Couples acheive the End Game

Tonight's cheese - Gorgonzola. From cheese.com:
Gorgonzola is a blue cheese, made in Italy. It has a sharp, spicy flavor.

I found a recipe for a pasta cream sauce with Gorgonzola and Parmesan. Recipe at the end.

Now, on to our train wreck, I am so not liking how this show has gone, but I shall carry on.

We start with the usual recap, the departure of Wes and Krisily, and what's coming up. Chris Harrison and Melissa enter and tell all the girls to pack their stuff. 3 of them are going home today. Tenley immediately OMIGOSHES, Elizabeth gets crazier, Natalie gathers her lingerie and the rest pack their crap.

The group gather outside and the game is announced. From now on, it's couple time and each guy gets to pick a girl. We immediately see the writing on the wall. Good bye to Ashley, Nikki and Gwen. Hmm. You think Ashley and Nikki feel stupid now for saving Kovacs earlier in the game? Let's just cut to the chase. The game goes just how we expect - Kovacs picks Crazy Elizabeth, Kipton picks Tenley, Dave picks Natalie and Jesse B. picks Peyton. Ashley and Nikki feel dumb for voting with the couples early on, and Gwen just laments her bad luck. I am irritated and get another glass of wine and wish we were on to the regular Bachelor. Hey, how about Kovacs is the next Bachelor and we have Crazy Elizabeth as a stalker?

I think what annoyed me about this "challenge" was that there was no challenge. The girls didn't have a chance to stuff their face with pie, play twister or make out with anyone. Sigh, really it was just bad. At this point, I don't know who I want to win, except for sure I hope it's not Bobblehead Elizabeth.

Summary of the whole event. Elizabeth is crazy, Tenley talks like a baby, Peyton is a valley girl, and Natalie is, well, Natalie. The others know they have just been screwed, and not in a good way. And damn, those are some big ass earrings that Nikki is wearing!
The couples are back at the house and begin to try and guess what the next competition will be. The brain trust that is Kovacs and Elizabeth figure it will be "how well do you know..." and we found out just how dumb Elizabeth is. Plus, Kovacs knows how much Elizabeth weighs??? Who the hell tells their boyfriend how much they weigh? Oh, yeah, girls are 5.7 and weigh 125 pounds. Ugh. Bobblehead, eat a sandwich, or two. Kovacs remembers everything including that she's a "natural brunette" snort.

Kovacs "I have steel trap for a memory".

Me - "Can you get that steel trap off your balls? The one that Elizabeth put on them?"

Elizabeth can't remember crap that Kovacs has told her. She must "bleep" a mean "bleep". Sorry. Damn Censorship.

Then Elizabeth tells the camera how she takes a pill to make her remember crap, and she can't remember the correct name of the pill. Sigh. I decide that maybe I should starve myself to 125, bleach my hair and get a bad boob job. Then I remember I like to eat and drink. Speaking of that, how about a little cotswald and red wine? BRB.

Natalie refers to herself and Dave as a "Power Couple". I wonder if she means Power Rangers, but then she giggles and says Dave is a man. Glad she's honed those observation powers.

Dave - "Hey we could get to the end and be against each other for the money".

Natalie - "If that happens, I'll high-5 your ass"

Me - "That ain't all she's done with your ass".

On to Kipton and Tenley. Barf.

Baby voice Tenley "It is so AWESOME to be free in the house." She loves kissing Kipton. I'm glad I love drinking wine, because how else will I make it through this disaster?

Tenley - "We are Kip-Ten!"

Me - "Damn, I do not have enough wine for that.". I wish I could slap her through my TV and watch the cartoon birds explode around her head. But instead of "cuck-koo" as that is reserved for Elizabeth, they would simply say "Dumb-Ass". Instead I just refill my wine glass, and really wonder why Kipton likes her. I get it, she's hot, but then she talks. I'm just sayin'.

On to Jesse and Peyton, let me sum this up too. He's A LOT country, and she's A LOT rock-n-roll. He's a country mouse, she's a city mouse. He picks at an ingrown hair on his leg with a screw from God knows where, and she, well, she disapproves. Peyton bemoans being stuck with such a dumb ass, but it is, well, what it is. And we shall move on.

Time for the first couples competition. They have to toss water balloons back and forth. As usual with this show, I am not impressed. Chris Harrison is wearing Columbia blue, you know, the color of the Houston Oilers. Oh, never mind. And Melissa is either borrowing a shirt from our previous Bachelorette, Ali, or the Flash Dance set. Take your pick. You know what I mean.

Let's summarize this too - Peyton and Jesse go out first. (Oh, and Jesse might be a hick, but that boy is a very nice boy) Then Kip-TEN are out. HA -HA. Then we see a lot of tossing of rubber objects filled with liquids between Kovacs/Elizabeth and Dave/Natalie. Insert your own joke here.

Dave and Natalie are the winners. They get to go on a date. Peyton stresses out. Elizabeth blames herself for losing the competition, and Tenley talks like a baby.

Strategy talk begins, and Natalie and Tenley discuss voting Elizabeth and Kovacs out. Yeah, right. Look, Crazy Elizabeth IS the Queen B and we all know it. You might say you are going to do it, but I'll believe it when I see it. Just don't get mad when I say I told you so and she wins the money because you wouldn't vote her crazy ass off along with Kovacs. Just ask Nikki how that worked out for her.

The date card arrives. And Dave looks like his usual douchbag self. He is looking more like he belongs on an old episode of MTV's the Real World with his stupid hat.

Natalie and Dave are getting dressed for their date, and Crazy Elizabeth and Kovacs discover an yellow Lamborgini outside. I feel dirty even telling you what happened. But let me drink another glass of wine, and I will. Okay. They get in and make out. She falls all over his "stick shift" if you know what I mean. Now, that they have "christened the ship", they go back inside and gloat. I take a shower to rid myself of the dirtiness of it all.

Kovacs - "Elizabeth is looking for something more serious than I am, but if girl catches a bad case of the Kovacs....."

At this point, I'd like to slap him, but I take comfort in knowing he's sleeping with a crazy girl. 'Cause we all know that will be more "uncomfortable" than one smack in the face. Good luck with that. She's either going to boil your bunny or go Lorena Bobbitt on you. I'm just pointing out the obvious.

Natalie and Dave come out for their date. She has a skirt on that barely covers her ass. At this point, most guys probably wish they read my blog, but they don't. Their loss. Remember the first episode when she wasn't wearing underwear? Yeah, that's my point.

Anyways.......... Elizabeth and Kovacs wear their afterglow and tell the group their ride is waiting outside, and they try to guess what it is. Tenley says "a rocketship". Well, we don't SEE her say it, but we all know that stupid ass baby voice anywhere. Besides, Elizabeth was too busy in her afterglow, and well, Peyton is too smart to say that.

The group go running outside to see the "rocketship" or car. Take your pick.

The date starts and Natalie observes that Dave got even hotter driving that Lambergini. Should we point out that it's only a temporary car? Nah, it's more unrealistic this way.

Back at the house, the rest discuss the Dave and Natalie "sealing the deal". Uh, didn't that happen in Vegas? Then Tenley says how great it must feel to be in the final 3 couples. Jesse B. unleashes the elephant in the room out with "I don't know, you tell us how it feels". Kip-TEN, Crazy Elizabeth and Kovacs pretend to be shocked, surprised and insulted. They pretend they are worried about being voted off. Peyton and Jesse know better, and so do the rest of us with a brain.

Back to Natalie and Dave's date. They are now up on a cliff. If the wind blows just right, we will all see Natalie's ass. But at this point, who hasn't? Dave takes her picture on the car, just don't forget Crazy Elizabeth and Kovacs were on it first. Ick. Not sure if my ick if for Eliz/Kovacs or Natalie's porn poses. The date moves to the house where "Jason and Molly" fell in love in. And you know what happened with that. (He picked Melissa, dumped her on TV, got back w/Molly and they got married, yes, we all know).

Natalie and Dave discuss the "what ifs" of winning the money. He wants to start a company. She wants to pay off her student loans and then send her parents on a trip around the world. The place in my heart for Natalie just grew 2 sizes. Dave then tells her about her parents divorce. He was 9, and it really affected him. I just can't say anything snarky about that, so we'll move on. Dave then reveals he and his dad had a falling out and they don't talk. Let's just say the both could use some counseling.

They move the party to the hot tub and make out. Natalie thinks he's perfect, he's thinking he's gonna get laid.
Back at make out central, Kip-TEN (barf) are making out, Elizabeth and Kovacs are discussing getting busy and they sneak into the fantasy suite. Jesse and Peyton are in one bed, but she has firmly put down a piece of tape and told him to stay on his side.

After sneaking in the fantasy, Kovacs says he wants to get naked, Crazy Elizabeth says sure, but only if they are in love. He wants to get busy, she wants romance. She says she doesn't want a "railing". I assume this is a regional term. Here we say "Hit it and quit it." He gets what he wants, while he wraps the covers around her. There. There is your romance.

Tenley sneaks up the stairs and confirms the actions for the group. But remembering how Crazy Michelle almost killed her, she stops short of ratting them out just describes the situation as "The lights are on and it smells good". And she does a pirouette just because she is the annoyance that is Tenley.

Back to the forbidden fantasy suite, Kovacs basks in the afterglow, while Elizabeth retreats into the crazy. She's worried she had just blown 250 grand for a guy who doesn't really "try". She then tells him that she's worth at least the 250k, if not more. Oh, boy. Delusional, I'm thinking if he has 250k, he can get a girl with a decent boob job. Just sayin'.
Kovacs - "In the interest of the game, we need to forget about last night's conversation and move on to get to the next round."
Me - What he really means - Let's pretend I'm not currently stuck with this crazy-ass chick that is going to end up stalking me when I dump her. Crazy Michelle is looking a lot more sane at this point, now isn't she?

Dave and Natalie crash their party and Dave slobbers over Kovacs. Dave is wearing that stupid cap again, backwards and to the side. Dave looks ridiculous but pretends he doesn't.

Elizabeth - "It was great, but the bed is broke."
Me - Wash the sheets.
Even Natalie had enough grace to be embarrassed. Dave thinks it is the coolest ever and Natalie thinks of getting rid of Kovacs and Elizabeth.

Voting time gets closer, and they all begin discussing strategy. We all know it's Jesse and Peyton. But wait, Tenley and Natalie (hey, can we call them Nat-TEN?/barf) plot to get rid of Kovacs and Crazy Elizabeth. Dave tells Natalie no way in hell is he voting Kovacs out. He loves him too much, I mean, they have a pact. Kovacs and Dave talk about how wonderful/awesome/smart, they are, and I am distracted by Kovacs's hair. I don't think he has showered since his roll in the fantasy suite with Elizabeth. EEEWWWWW.

Summary time again. Tenely and Natalie blow smoke up Peyton's ass. You know what I mean. Natalie and Tenley talk about women code and their super secret handshake. And then Natalie changes her mind and sends home Jesse and Peyton. I wonder if Tenley is surprised by this, I was, especially after that super-duper, blow it up handshake.

Just as we suspected, Jesse and Peyton go home. The super-couples congratulate themselves. End game accomplished.

Previews for next week - they have to learn ball room dancing. We will see lots of Tenley jumping up and down. At this point I think I might have to root for Dave and Natalie. How the hell did this happen? And they say in next week's finale, there is a twist and someone will win the money? Could the twist be the cast offs vote for the winner?? We shall see.
Oh, and the recipe and wine:
1.5 cups of white wine - heat until reduced by half
Add 1 and 1/4 cups of heavy cream
reduce again
Add 2 tablespoons of Parmesan, 8 tablespoons of crumbled Gorgonzola.
I was not thrilled with the thickness of it, so I added a little cornstarch.
Green onions with sliced mushrooms - microwave w/butter. Once it's sauteed, add previously cooked grilled shrimp, stir and re-cover to heat. This will heat the shrimp without microwaving it.
Make the pasta, add shrimp, mushrooms and onions. Pour in desired amount of sauce. I also added a Parmesan herb spice and more Parmesan cheese. Delish! The wine was sauvigon blanc - from New Zealand, the Infamous Goose. Nice, dry and crisp. One of my current favorites.

Again, no wine and cheese this week, as I had to work again. I promise, last Monday night I have to work!

So let's get right to it. Gia and the Weatherman have gone home. The group returns to the hotel no-tell and forget the about the Weatherman while Wes cries over Gia. Wes calls out Dave. Dave calls him a jackass. Really??? Hello, pot, this is the kettle calling. Anyhoo, Gwen organizes the fight and starts taking side bets on who will win. Not really, but it sure would have been more exciting if she had. So now Dave is a target, and of course our resident cheesy-ass singer.

Fast forward to the next day and a box arrives and it has instructions:

Put your left foot in, take your left foot out. Wait, wrong game, plus from a previous episode we know half of them don't know their left from their right.

Natalie brings in the card and reads:

Complete the survey alone. Keep your answers confidential.

She begins to pass out the survey and Nikki asks how this could possibly be done since they are all sitting together.

Natalie whips off her bra, snaps her in the head and tells her and the others that they need to "just to get this shit done". After all she needs time to hit the margarita machine, run naked at the pool and sneak off with Dave.

Ah, the days of the 5th grade girls slumber parties. Who do you secretly like, hate, is pretty, ugly, etc. Oh, the memories.

Krisily has the brilliant observation "This will get nasty". No kidding.

Tenley sobs in her bed and hates this part of the game. Oh, who are you kidding? You are the one who ratted Michelle out for making out with Dave.

The group fills out the slam book, I mean surveys.

The next day, Wes continues to cry over Gia. He laments that she is gone. Never mind he can eventually go and find her.... he now refocuses on the money.

Finally, competition and "survey says" time.

Tenley says "Oh, Gosh" and I want to slap her.

The group is told that they have to guess what the majority of the house answered. First person to 4 wins.

Question 1 - Who do you think will win?

Kipton was the correct answer and he then worries he is the next target. Elizabeth and Krisily get a point.

Question 2 - Who is your biggest enemy?

Krisily was the correct answer. Elizabeth scores another point.

Question 3 - Who is the most shallow?

Elizabeth was the correct answer. Several people get a point, and Elizabeth claims she doesn't know what shallow even means. I roll my eyes, refill my wine glass and post the wikipedia definition of shallow on her facebook.

Score is currently Kovacs & Wes with 2. Tenley and Natalie with 3.

Question 4 - Who is the dumbest?

Drama!!! Natalie wins by a landslide and she even put herself. But they were all wrong, except Tenley, she put Gwen. And Gwen was the actual answer. Of course Tenley now feels bad, she won, and she knows she can save Kipton, but at poor Gwen's expense.

Gwen is quite upset.

Question 5 - Who do you secretly have a crush on?

Dave votes for himself, and that was the answer. Excuse me while I go barf. Wes laments the fact that he "didn't do the math". We know you can't do math, you referred TO THE COUNTING of votes as science last week.

Natalie then worries everyone will be after her man. She gets her nail file out and begins to sharpen her claws.


Question 6 - Who will be a bridesmaid, but never a bride?

Now, that's a doozy. The guys stare at the girls and contemplate the answer. All the guys pick Natalie, except Kovacs. He picks Gwen, because after all, she is over 40 and has a better chance of being struck by lightning. As if I didn't dislike Kovacs before...


Natalie is devastated, especially since her super-secret boyfriend named her.

The score is currently Natalie 2 notches on the bed post. Oh wait, wrong score.

Jesse, Kovacs and Wes all have 3 points.


Question 7 - Who is considered to the biggest jerk by the gr0up?

We all know it's either Dave or Wes. And Wes is shocked to find out it's him. Jesse and Kovacs now have 4 points each and are to the tie breaker.


Question 8 - Who has the worst boob job?

Oh, snap. Did not see that question coming. Jesse B looks down and avoids all eye contact. Kovacs stares at the girls and considers asking for a quick peek before making up his mind. And the dilemma of picking Elizabeth looms for Kovacs. Jesse B. knows he has won because Kovac wimps out and puts Krisily.


So our winners are Tenley and Jesse. The both get one on one dates, the catch is that they can give the rose or not.

Let the crying begin. Of course , none of the guys are crying. One, they don't give a shit, two, this was so skewed towards what was thought of the women and totally preyed on insecurities. I think I might have to cry to, but I'd rather smack Kovacs or Dave, or both of them. But instead, yes, another glass of wine. Continue on.

Natalie loses it first. Gwen comforts her, without crying. Natalie provides no comfort that Gwen got voted the dumbest. I mean, hey, it's all about her not getting married.

Dave feels bad, but he can't provide the comfort she needs since they are keeping their relationship secret.

On to the next crier, Elizabeth. She and her boobs are very upset. I don't think her plastic surgeon is thrilled either. Kovacs makes an attempt at consoling her. He goes with the "they are jealous of you" route. Now, Kovacs has decided that she is the best ever and needs to tell her so, and then doesn't. She then realizes that he is opening his heart to him. Please vote both of them off this week..........

Date time. Now we have to watch Tenley go on a date with Kipton. I don't think I have enough booze for this. Of course she takes Kipton. Yawn.

Since Tenley annoys the living crap out of me, I will summarize. She squeals, jumps up and down, claps, talks like a baby, and annoys me some more. They do a zip line, have dinner, kiss, stay in the fantasy suite and she gives him the rose. Ugh, moving on now.

Jesse B.'s date. He picks Peyton, and he does owe her for last week.

On a side note - Kovacs tells Elizabeth how great she is. I guess he doesn't mind the crazy so much. They make out in the pool.

Tenley and Kipton return back to the Hotel No-tell, and the No-tell part is becoming more important as this wears on.

Now, time for Jesse's and Peyton's date. I hope this is more exciting than Tenley and Kipton.

They both have high hopes, and hey, speaking of high hopes, they get in a Red Baron plane. Except it's not red, but it's all I could think of.

The fly, they kiss, they picnic, they drink, they discuss county fair foods, and he gives her the rose. She did not have work for it. They then make martinis. His first. And then yes, they get drunk. Especially Jesse. He burps, tries to stick his finger up her nose. Not the smoothest moves. Things start going downhill.

Back at the mansion, Krisily knows she is on the chopping block, and she starts making her moves on Dave. They discuss his kissing again.

Peyton is ready to smack Jesse, but she realizes she has to play the game. She passes on the fantasy suite. He's surprised. I'm not. They return and are questioned. While Gwen was pegged as the dumb one, immediately notices they aren't a couple. Ironic moment - Dave says they aren't a good mix, like champagne and vodka, which, is what Jesse did on their date. Then he acted like a 4th grader. Jesse B, you are hot, but if you want to keep a woman, grow up!

On to voting time. Tenley tells Kipton to vote off Krisily or Gwen. Krisily tells Ashley and Peyton they need to vote off Kovacs to break up the couples.

Dave and Kovacs talk about voting off Gwen.

Wes and Nikki talk about voting off Kovacs.

Elizabeth and Kovacs brood, make out, and worry about him getting voted off. I hope they vote both of those morons off.

Actual time to vote. Everyone suits up. I have no idea what the necklace Gwen has on is about. I hope it has magical powers to keep her on. I'm sure Nikki's earrings have magical powers as they seem to be made from mystical crystals.

Is it me, or is Elizabeth start looking more and more like a bobblehead?

Dave tries to sway Krisily. We know he's blowing smoke up her ass. She doesn't and she votes for Wes instead of Kovacs as originally planned.

Jesse and Wes vote Elizabeth

The 3 amigos discuss their options. Krisily or Gwen. I would not have voted for Gwen, until she wore that weird necklace. Time to give out the roses (all ready safe is Tenley, Kipton, Jesse and Peyton):

Natalie, Ashley, Dave, Nikki, Elizabeth, Gwen and Kovacs.

Going home are Krisily and Wes. Krisily calls out that she got played. Dave had told her that she was safe. Now Krisily calls out the couples of Kovacs, Elizabeth, Tenley and Kipton. Wes says he had a good time and heads out. Dave says that Krisily acted liked an ass. Uh, wait, she voted with you because you asked her to, and then you voted her out. I bet she feels stupid now.

Preview for next week has 3 girls going home. I predict crying. I know, tough one.
Feel free to leave your comments.

Bachelor Pad - August 30th

Okay, diehard party girls - tonight, drink if someone says they don't like Wes. Have fun with that as I am working the Astros. Tivo is set and I'll catch up later tonight. Feel free to post here or on my FB, I am still not worried about spoilers. I don't like "The Pad" as much as the regular show, but hey, it's still a fun train wreck!

Cat fight, kissing and coupledom

First off, sorry this is late. I actually went to a "Bachelor Pad" Party. Wine and cheese was abound. Thanks for hosting LeAnn. It was awesome! We drank, we ate, we drank, we giggled, we watched the show, we called Natalie a whore, we almost had a "clothing casualty" and then we drank some more. So, now you can see how this is late, and will likely be short and sweet!
This week's cheese - brie. I made a fantastic baked brie. Check out the end for the recipe.

Now, on to the show. The group returns to the house after voting out DB Craig and Jessie. No one cares about Jessie. Gia immediately calls out Nikki for changing her vote. Then Gia tells the entire group what their strategy was. I question her strategy of telling everyone her strategy. You with me? Claws are sharpened, the guys get a beer and wait for the chick fight. Sadly, only tears. It becomes the couples against the non-couples.

Wes announces "Y'all would vote me off before Kipton or Kovacs. It's pure science."
Me - Actually it's math. You see, the votes are COUNTED.

Competition time. Kissing contest. Well, this should be interesting. Kind of gross, but interesting. Gia melts down and cries. She wants the rose, but she has a boyfriend at home. Oh, the dilema.

Natalie - "I'd kiss everyone in the house fro $20".
Me - Including that creppy producer they show on the behind the scene shows. We know. Natalie, you have a very long list of things you'd do for $20.

Gia whines some more. Jesse looks hot. Gia whines. Natalie gives her advice, which is basically, suck it up, and suck some face.

The chicks are blindfolded and brought out one by one. Elizabeth is the first one they kiss. Kovacs says he doesn't care, hey, it's all about the money. Elizabeth puts on a show with lots of moans and groans. Of course she votes for Kovacs.

Okay, we get it, move the line.
Ashley then takes herself out of the competition because she's a teacher. She doesn't want to lose the respect of her students. Hmmm, going on the show in the first place likely took care of that.
Natalie is up next. Let's see, she's made at with at least half of them all ready. This is just another day at the whore house for her.

Then it's Tenley. And she giggled. And giggled. Hey, was she drinking wine with me and my friends? No, she's just an idiot. Oh, how cute, she liked Kipton. Oh, their first kiss. Cartoon hearts exploded from her head.

Last, it's Gia.
Wes - She has big beautiful lips to kiss.
Me - Yes, that's called collagen.
Gia whines some more, and it's now time to find out which girl kisses the best. Well, we know Natalie has had the most practice. My money is on her.

Tenley ditches her Disney Princess title and sticks her tongue down Jesse B.'s throat.
Gia cries again and only gives sweet little kisses. And she cries some more and talks about how everyone turns into a porn star. Shut up. She drops out, goes back to her bunk bed and cries some more.

Ah, now they all have to kiss the weatherman. He almost wets his pants. Elizabeth gave him a rub down while she was at it.

Wes is last. He mentions the sloppy seconds aspect. Yep, you got punked having to go last.
He says "Going in for the kill, on the attack, doesn't turn me on. Unless I'm absolutely hammered".
Me - Okay, nice and sweet if he's not drunk, stick my tongue down his throat if he is. Got it.

The votes are tallied, with math, not science, as I mentioned earlier.
Dave wins for the guys, and in an upset on the girls side, Peyton wins. See Natalie, sometimes being a lady, oh, never mind.

Dave - "I'm a passionate kisser, I'm a passionate lover"
Me - Obviously you did attend those anger management classes after Jillian's season.
Peyton - "I'm so excited!"
Me - Watch out Natalie will either kill you, or try and kiss you to get some tips.
Date card arrives and Tenley sings and dances. I want to barf. David reads his card, and it's Vegas, baby!
Natalie - "I want this date, Dave and I have a history."
Me - And since Jesse B. dumped you, no reason to let any dust settle. Get back on that horse.
Dave chooses Nikki, Krisily and the whore. I mean, Natalie.
Natalie - "I have a wild streak and I'll do anything to get the rose."
Me - We know. You're a fun-loving whore.
Dave is thinking strategy. With both heads. He needs Krisily and Nikki's votes. And he knows he can score with Natalie. 2 birds, 1 stone. Boo-Yah!

The couples talk strategy. Gia's ass is on the chopping block.
Gia and Wes talk. He continues to lay it on thick. He's considering leaving the Insiders for the Outsiders.
The group arrives in Vegas and have a private pool party. And it's a topless pool. This won't be a spoiler, we all know Natalie will be naked in two drinks.
Krisily has some alone time with Dave. They discuss that they kissed everyone. Krisily is upstaged by Natalie. She is running through the around the pool, and Dave follows her like an ADD kid following shiny objects. Speaking of shiny objects, yep. Natalie didn't disappoint and threw that top right off.
They have a group hug. The other girls are creeped out by her boobs, and so are the rest of us.

Back at the mansion, Peyton's date card arrives. Gentlemen, start your engines.
Peyton picks Kovacs.
Elizabeth smiles sweetly and plots clawing her eyes out.
Peyton picks Kipton.
Tenley's cartoon hearts that flutter around her immediately break.
Tenley - "I think it's strange the Peyton is picking all the guys that are in relationships."
Me - Suck it up, Disney. This is what the game is all about.
Peyton picks Jesse B. Hell yeah. He's HOT, HOT, HOT.

Back to Vegas. Time for Dave to give a rose. He picks the sure thing and gives the rose to Natalie. They get rid of the 2 other girls, and get busy. I mean BUSY. Hey, Natalie, with all the notches you keep putting on your bedpost, you might have to get a new bedpost soon. I'd get a new bed too, while you are at it, those springs are probably worn down. I'm just sayin'.
Dave and the whore return. Natalie says they are a couple and it's their strategy to keep that under wraps. Dave just doesn't want anyone to know he banged the town whore.

Speaking of "secret" couples, Tenley sneaks into Kipton's bed. He politely tells her to get out. She cries. I don't.
Date #2 starts. They drag race cars. Seems kind of repetitive. But they seem to be having fun. Peyton is still unsure of who to pick. Uh, Jesse B. YES, YES, YES.
Kipton tells Peyton that he and Tenley are not a couple. He then tells the camera that is a complete lie. Oh, the web of deceit....

Back at the mansion, Elizabeth begins delve into her crazy and stress about the date that Kovacs is on.
Peyton talks strategy with Kovacs, but she refrains from flirting with him. She's no dummy, she knows crazy Elizabeth is still at the mansion.
Now on to alone time with the hottest boy there. Jesse B. Again, she proves she's no dummy and gives him the rose and takes him back the fantasy suite. YOU GO GIRL.
Peyton - "Jesse B is so comforting and warm."
Me - Uh no, the word you are looking for is HOT.

Back at the mansion, the couples begin to crack. Kovacs blames Elizabeth for ruining the competition for him. He whines and bitches about it. Elizabeth tells him he better kiss her ass or he'll be out. He leaves his balls with her and whines some more.

Wes and Gia are flirting. So much for that boyfriend thing. He brings out that stupid guitar. Then they snuggle up in one of the beds in the co-ed dorm. Okay, wait a minute. You weren't okay for the kissing competition, but now you'll snuggle up with Wes...... Okey-dokey.

Peyton and Jesse B. had a good time. Wes still has the hots for Gia.

Scrambling starts. Summary - You vote for X. Who are you voting for? Who should I vote for? Wes works his ass off to vote off Elizabeth and keep Gia.
However, his plan fails and Gia goes home. Now, I wonder if Gia really feels stupid for f'n up last week and NOT giving DB Craig the date rose.

It's a tie between Gia and Elizabeth. Dave is the "tie-breaker" since he won the competition. He sends Gia home. Crazy Elizabeth lives on another week. Kovacs pretends to be relieved.

Oh, and the girls vote out the Weatherman.

Gia and Wes spend one last tender moment and she says "I love you". Okay, is that boyfriend going to be pissed or what!
Weatherman rambles on his way out. We don't really care. His 15 minutes is up.

Gia cries on her ride home, and Wes pouts. All he needed was another week, and she would dumped her boyfriend. Don't worry, he'll be dumping her after he sees the footage.

Next week - Previews show a "slam book" session. Oh, snap.

Okay, my baked brie. Make a package of bacon. Saute green onions and mushrooms in red wine. Use a puff pastry sheet. Place the brie in the middle, top with onions, mushrooms, and bacon. Fold over and bake. DELISH!

The Bachelor Pad - Rules for Show #3

This is going to be one interesting night! Not just because of the show, but because I'll actually be playing the game in person with a few friends. Our word for drinking during the show - "strategy". Now, LeAnn, no vodka chasers.
In light of this, my recap of the actual show will likely have to be written on Tuesday! I will be "live" on facebook tonight, from LeAnn's in big 'ol Campti, Louisiana.
Looking forward to seeing that girl, and meeting Nikki, Leah and Joanie in person!
Oh, and the cheese tonight - brie. I'll be making a fabulous baked brie. As for wine, for now I will just go with the kind I am bringing is "lots". Hmmm, I see a lot of giggling in my future!

Let Them Eat Pie

Oh Cotswold Cheese. How I love you. It's an English double Gloucester with chives. I used it to make cheese muffins. The only thing with the muffins, should have used more cheese. I should have known you can never use too much cheese. This cheese is great with crackers or in the muffins, paired with an Australian Shiraz..... excellent! The Shiraz was from Australia, called Jacob's Creek. Lots of plum and pepper spice tastes. I will be drinking this one again. Likely once I'm done writing my blog. But anyway..... And as always, comments are welcome!

Now, on to the goodness/badness of The Bachelor Pad. I almost had to title it "The Outies vs. Innies". Except it's not about belly buttons, people. It's about the "cool" kids vs. the "nerds". Then again, maybe it is about belly buttons, considering all the gratuitous bathing suit shots..... Hey, I have an innie. I wonder if that makes me one of the cool kids. Oh, probably not.

We start with our usual recap/preview. Summary - Tenley is a crybaby. Elizabeth is crazy. The Weatherman is annoying, Dave is angry, Natalie and Jesse have a little thing going, who can you trust, and there are tons of hot bodies. And it's the Insiders vs. Outsiders. Plus, Wes and Gia?
We start with everyone that didn't get voted off returning to the house. Jesse K. and Elizabeth talk. He knows he came "this close" to getting voted off. It's time for him to rethink his strategy. Uh, yeah, he tried to cross a crazy girl and you about got your "a-hem" chopped off. Sleep with a light on. Trust me.
Natalie and Jesse B. continue their make out sessions. She giggles, he looks hot. They make out some more.

Strategy talk continues. Inside, outside. Outspoken girls, cutsie girls. Reunion trips, non-reunion trips. It's all too much!

Out of the gate, competition time. It's a pie eating contest. Oh, the set up for the jokes, it's just too easy! American Pie, eating pie, face first in a pie..... I could go on, but you get the point. On another note, we all know these girls have never eaten pie in their entire size 2 lives. And of course, they all tell us how they "don't like pie". Snort. Another joke, too easy. Insert your own here.

The girls go first. Krisily declines the invitation as she can't eat a lot of fat due to a lack of a gall bladder. Oh, I thought it was due to squeezing into a size 2 bikini. And Krisily cries. Which surprised me, she didn't seem like a crier.

The girls go face down first. I mean, start eating their pies. I mean, oh shit. Well. That's what I have to work with. Tenley starts crying. The throwing up begins.
Dave: We see all the girls holding each other's hair, barfing. You don't see that every day.
Me: Uh, it's called a frat party.
Gia is in the lead. Wes is encouraging her. He keeps telling her come on, baby. That joke is too easy too. It comes down to Gia vs. Tenley.
Gia wins. Tenley cries, and they both go purge.

Now it's time for the boys to eat pie. Snort. Again, too easy. The weatherman worries because he's one of the smaller guys. Dave tells us he eats 6 meals a day. All I can think about is Cartman from South Park screeching "Get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie."
All the guys have a seat and the contest begins. (I had another joke for that, but I decided to censor myself. You're welcome.)
The pie beats down the testosterone. Craig decides to stick his head in the pie. Dude, it's not conditioner.
Weatherman's dorky little ass KNOWS how to eat some pie. Wes and Kipton are right behind him. But just in the pie eating contest.......
The weatherman licks the last of the crumbs, and celebrates, by eating a piece of Kipton's pie.
Dave "He's good at eating pie. He's got that going for him".
Me - Snort.

With Gia and the Weatherman as our winners, they get together to discuss their strategy. More discussion of insiders/outsiders.
Here comes the date card. Weatherman picks Gwen, Peyton, and Ashley.
Krisily is pissed. The "insider guys" worry the Weatherman smarter than he looks. He's not.

On to the date. Let me sum this up, worst date ever. The roll around in paint. The only "good" part of this was the Weatherman - Part II in a speedo. He must of had some major counseling, as he was so over his insecurities issue. And in case I haven't said this, worst date ever.

Back at the house, the popular kids are living it up at the pool. The rest are back in the house plotting their coup d'etat. Hey, they are the nerdy kids. They know what coup d'etat means!

Thankfully, the artistic part of the date is over. Time for dinner and cocktails. The weatherman talks with Peyton, and they talk about getting Kipton out, and says he has Gia on board. Peyton is down with that plan, she's just glad he didn't try and kiss her.
Next, same conversation, different girl. It's Ashley's turn. She frets about crossing Elizabeth and Tenley. I mean, we all know what happens when you cross the popular girls.
Now Gwen and the Weatherman talk. He seems to have a crush on her. She laughs, pats his head and continues her strategy of flying under the radar. They bond over their love of Italy.
The weatherman gives her the rose. Peyton giggles and Ashley is pissed. Gwen takes the rose and then tells the camera, she and the weatherman, not gonna happen, not in a million years. Oh, poor, clueless weatherman.
Gia counsels the Weatherman and informs him that Ashely is an impostor! And that he should have taken Krisily. She also extols Craig's virtues, it's time for enemies to become frenemies.

Now it's Gia's date night. She "proves" how much smarter she is than everyone else. She picks Wes, Craig and then pretends to draw from names and picks Jesse B. Except she put Jesse's name on all the draws. She's going to convince Jesse he needs to vote with them. I wonder why she's wearing that ridiculous 70's/indian/workout headband.
Their date is a circus tent. No, really. It is. What the hell is the point here? Between this and the painting date, they need to get some new ideas.
Gia takes Craig aside and promises him the rose. He grins like a Cheshire cat. His hair does too. She tells him he and the weatherman have to be part of the crew.
Jesse B. now has his alone time with Gia. Now they are painting each other with henna. WTH? She brings him into their alliance. Jesse tells Gia he will be dropping Natalie on her ass.

Back at the house:
Elizabeth to Kovacs: "I'm a dumb, smart girl".
They get busy. I mean REAL busy. Kovacs realizes she's a loose cannon. But in the meantime.... bawww-chicka-wow-wow.

Back to the date, Wes turns on the Texas Charm.
Wes: "I'm this manly, rugged Texas boy". He completely distracts and derails Gia's brilliant plan and snatches the rose right out of Mr. Canada's hands. That is one smooth guy. He lays the compliments on thick, and Gia falls right into his hands. Oh, does he mean this, or is it part of his "game"? This TOTALLY f's up the "outsiders" game. And blows Gia's own plan to hell. How dumb was that?

Jesse S. plays the game and puts the move on Dave. She rats out The Outsiders. She says she'll stay on their side, but be a spy...... oh, and did I mention that she was whispering all this in his ear while in a hot tub in an itty-bitty bikini? Yeah, Dave didn't either.

Krisily spots Jesse S. making out with Angry Dave. She realizes that Jesse is playing both sides of the fence, and immediately tells Kipton. Not sure why she picked Kipton. Oh wait, because Krisily is now playing both sides of the fence. Careful! Krisily also says Jesse is about "hurting people". Or maybe it's about the money, just like everyone else.

Now Hot Jesse is now wavering. He begins to express interest in Gia. "She's the girlfriend type, Natalie really isn't". So, Gia is the girl you will take home to momma, and Natalie is the girl you just take home. For the night. So he decides to dump her. And Natalie cries. Before the rose ceremony. Not sure that was the best idea, remember when Kovacs made Elizabeth cry? He almost got his ass kicked out of the house..... Natalie admits she also used to have the hots for Kovacs. (Code she slept w/him too). Natalie then says she's going to refocus on the money, and sets out to find a new guy to make out with.

All the planning starts. The outsiders plan on voting Kipton, the insiders, Craig. For the girls side, it's between Krisily and Jesse S.

What in the hell is Chris Harrison wearing? Shirt and tie do NOT match. Someone get wardrobe. NOW. Craig M. sports his Miami Vice look, and uh, why is Natalie wearing a pink tu-tu???
Elizabeth points out that Tenley and Kipton have a thing going. Tenley then immediately says that it's not quite the same. I mean, she's a good girl, and don't expect her to be going from the waltz to the tango in 1 day....... Tenley cries, and I drink more wine. This girl just annoys the crap out of me, but then I have Natalie's pink tu-tu to distract me. More 8th grade girls arguing, so and so said this, so and so said that.......

Voting begins. And then the Insiders realize they are in deep doo-doo. Kipton goes to Nikki and tries to sway her to their side. Dave tries to keep his hot tub hottie, Jesse S. around. Some of the girls cry. None of the guys do. Why is it the girls cry over voting one of the guys out, and the guys are like "don't let the door hit your ass on the way out"? I'm just sayin'.

One tactic works, the other doesn't. Nikki flips at the last minute and sends Craig and his pie-conditioned hair home. Tattle tale extraordinaire Jesse S. is sent home. Sorry, hon, that's what you get for making out with Dave in the hot tub.

Previews for next week - Natalie kissing everyone for $20. Wes and his stupid guitar. Gia cheating on her boyfriend, more crying, Natalie topless.... and the train wreck continues! See you next week.

The Bachelor Pad - Rules for Show #2

Tonight's Cheese - Cotswold. It's an English Cheese, one of my favorites. I'll be using it as a subsitute for cheddar cheese in a cheddar cheese muffins recipe.
Wine pairing - Probably a Shiraz or Zinfandel. Need to check with Mr. Wine at HEB.

For my party girls (LeAnn and Leah) let's drink when Tenley jumps up and down, claps or shrieks like a 10 year old girl. Might make it easier to deal with!

The Bachelor Pad - Week 1

Oh, where to begin??
First up, sorry no wine and cheese this week! I had to work tonight and well, last week, I turned 40, and drank enough wine to last me for quite some time!

Let's begin with the preview of the upcoming season - From the looks of it, we need the following sponsors: 1) Kleenex for all the crying, 2) Trojan condoms (obvious), 3) Bathing suit maker for all the pool scenes, 4)Spec's to provide all the liquor and 5) Band-aids to cover those stabs in the back! One last possible one - The Wedding Channel. But don't hold your breathe on that one!
Now we see Chris at the "Bachelor Pad" and he introduces us to this season's cast members:

Tenley - From Jake's Season. Ah, the divorced Disney Princess. Nice girl, but I hate her voice. Oh, wait, I probably hate her.
Jesse - From Ali's Season. I think we can all agree here. Please don't wear a shirt for the rest of the show.
Natalie - From Jason's Season. From the previews, looks like she's ready to play the game.
David - Jillian's Season. Let's see, he and Juan hate each other, and give this guy a few beers, and he's ready to rumble. Ah, Angry Dave.
Gwen - Aaron's Season. Hmmm, that was awhile back. And no age. Well, good for you, honey.
Jesse - From Jake's Season. Tattle Tale Extraordinaire.
Weatherman - From Ali's Season. And now he goes by Weatherman only? Hell, I forgot his real name too.
Nikki - From Jason's Season. Damn, those are big.... big earrings. Oh, and she once hooked up with Juan on a reunion trip. Interesting.
Juan - Of course, he comes in next. AWWWWKKK-WARD.
Wes - From Jillian's Season. The country singer with the girlfriend. Says he is currently single and doesn't have his guitar. Oh, he'll manage to get his hands on one.
Krisily - From Charlie's Season - Be glad he didn't pick you. He was NOT cute.
Elizabeth - From Jake's Season. She's now a blond. And from the previews, she will be doing actual kissing...
Jesse K. - From Jillian's Season, who Elizabeth has a thing for. Hmmm. Will he use that to his advantage?
Kipton - From Jillian's Season. Says he has lost his abs? What? Don't make us kick you off for that.
Ashley - From Jake's Season. Stewardess Girl.
Peyton - From Andy's Season. Must have needed another hot blond.
Michelle - From Jake's Season. Oh, crazy Michelle. I am SOOOO glad you are here.
Gia - From Jake's Season. Her boyfriend cheated on her, and she's a swimsuit model. And she announces she has a boyfriend now. Oh, snap.
Craig M. - From Ali's season. THE CRAIG. Douchebag Craig. This is going to be fun.

And that's our peeps. Throughout all of it, we had to listen to Tenley screech, scream, giggle and jump up and down. Did I say I wasn't drinking tonight? That might have to change.
Time for discussions of money and love.
Chris Harrison reappears from his private suite to explain the rules. So Juan and Nikki hooked up once, and now hate each other, so why do they keep sitting by each other? And the rules are:
1) There is a competition each week - if you win, you get a rose and you are safe from elimination.
2) If you have a rose, you get to pick someone to go with you on a date.
3) Guys vote of the girls. The girls vote off the guys.
4) At some point, there will be a merge.
And for this show - we have a co-host. Melissa Rycroft. Who is not on the show, 'cause she got married.

Time to check out the digs. Uh, one huge co-ed room. That can't be good. Oh, wait, yes, yes, it will.
Damn. Natalie pulled a Roz. She just showed her cha-cha.

Pool time. Girls on one side. Boys on the other. The girls are all ready targeting Douchebag Craig.
Competition Time. Twister. I bet lots of these girls do yoga. Tenley demonstrates her flexibility by sticking her foot in her ear. Yeah, that's sexy.

Winner will go on a date with 3 people of their choice. Tenley goes out because she doesn't know her left from her right. Snort. Same thing happened to Wes. Double snort.
Elizabeth starts calling out Douchebag Craig.
It's down to Jess, DB Craig, Juan and Jesse.
Damn, first thing Jesse does is forget his left and right. DOH! He should get a do-over since he's smoking hot.
Juan is out next.
Forgetting your left from your right is obviously contagious as Jesse loses the same way.
Aw hell. There goes the girls' brillant plan. The Weatherman takes extra Prozac.

DB Craig puts on his extra snazzy douchebag hat. I guess his hair is messed up. He first talks to Elizabeth to see why she hates him. Well, cause you are a DB. However, she begins to challenge Crazy Michelle for the Crazy title. And then the wheels begin to spin for Elizabeth, and she plans on going on the date to see if she can get the rose.

Night night time. Let's see who creeps first. Apparently it was Crazy Michelle and DB Craig. Oh, wait. That was just a rumor, according to her. And she's PISSED. I hope she doesn't kill someone.
First date card arrives, and he now has to pick his 3 bitches. I mean, dates. He picks Jesse, Gwen, and Elizabeth. Oh, I hope Crazy Michelle doesn't kill her. Elizabeth is worried Jesse K. will be mad. Uh, he won't.

The date starts in a limo, and they are all wearing bikinis. Well, except for DB Craig. Now, that would have been funny.
So the date is just a trip to the beach. But of course, the show provided free booze! Craig and Elizabeth have a "heart to heart" and he wants to make out with her. Come on in said the spider to the fly.........

Back at Hormone House - The planning and scheming starts, mixed in with a little talk of love. Oh, the irony. Love or money. Love or money....... Look, love don't pay the bills, just sayin'.
Make out session for hot Jesse and Natalie.

Back to the date. Now it's time for the evening part. Melissa appears because Chris Harrison is too busy working his new line to replace "This is the last rose". Craig has to hand out the rose NOW and pick one girl to stay on the date with him. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. He picks Jesse. Gwen and Elizabeth head back to the Hormone House.

Their date starts, and they get a private concert with Alex Band. Who?
Craig and Jesse dance and drink champagne. The other 2 head back home and plot revenge. As well as how to convince the guys to not vote them off.
Gwen and Elizabeth enter the house, grab some booze and tell the group Jesse and Craig are still on the date and she got the rose.

Jesse K. decides now is the time to tell Elizabeth that they are NOT in a serious relationship. In other words, he's gonna be making out with other chicks, so back the F off.
The talk goes over like a ton of bricks. She even tells him she is in love with him. It's awkward. Very awkward. She puts a noose around his neck. Well, not really, but she wants to. I have a feeling they are going to start targeting each other, and I don't see them dating after this. Oh, and move over Crazy Michelle, there is a new sheriff in town!

Jesse K. goes back and chats with the guys, might have to vote her crazy ass out. Elizabeth realizes he's not in love with her.

Crazy Michelle hates Tenley, and decides to confront her about the rumor, by trapping her in the bathroom. Kleenex time. Elizabeth consoles Tenley and says she'll go tell the guys to get rid of her. All the guys "love" Tenley, and yet she makes me want to barf. Anyone else? And hey, Tenley, you DID tell everyone that it was Michelle and Craig.

The episode now turns in to Survivor before Tribal Council. Let's get rid of her/him because she might beat me later. Then the usual, so and so wants to vote for you. What are you going to do about it??? Alliances start forming.

Elizabeth begins working Jesse K. she is trying to get him to admit he's in love with her. As well as telling him what the F to do. But she loves him. Run, run, Jesse K. She is loony-tunes!
Elizabeth - You can't be there for me, and show affection to me?
Me - Hello??? Is anyone home? Girl, you got dumped.

Jesse K. realizes that he needs to suck up to crazy girl or he's gonna be out on his ass. I just hope the girl doesn't shred your clothes into a million little pieces....

Rose Ceremony time. Which means the guys wear suits, and the girls wear the tightest cocktail dresses possible. I would say they had on their best push up bra as I do, but most of them don't need that.

Chirs Harrison enters the party and I am distracted by his tie. He then explains that everyone goes in the room one by one and they vote.

Voting begins, they pick pictures and drop them in the box. It seems Jesse K. and Krisely are on the chopping block. Or maybe it's Michelle and Juan.
The tension builds. And now the hosts hand out roses. Last person without a rose leaves. I guess Chris Harrison can keep his "This is the last rose" line.

Roses go to:
Gia (duh)
Jesse B (yippee, but next week, please don't let him wear a shirt)
Peyton
Kipton
Tenley (surprisingly, she doesn't clap and jump up and down)
Nikki
Ashely - What in the hell is she wearing?
David - Angry Dave
Natalie - Jesse B's girl.
Wes - He's not the villain yet?
Gwen - Has she said more than 2 words?
Elizabeth - Crazy lives on for another week.
Jonathan - Weatherman
Krisily
Jesse K.

So first 2 voted out, Crazy Michelle and Juan. Rats. I liked Crazy Michelle and her craziness. She shoulda kicked Tenley's ass while she had the chance.

Juan blames Nikki for his demise.

Michelle is pissed. She has a map to their house and a box of matches.

Next week, more drama. And someone take the guitar from the Weatherman and don't let Natalie sing again.

The Bachelor Pad - Rules for Show #1

Good news/bad news. The good news is, The Bachelor Pad starts tonight! Bad news, I have to work and will have to catch it on tivo tonight!

For my hard core party peeps - Drink every time someone says they DON'T like someone else. I figure between DB Craig and the weatherman, and all those potential cat fights, plenty of fun with that!

I will post my recap tomorrow!

Two men, a girl, and the color yellow

First, let's start with tonight's cheese. Camembert. And oooooh, the recipe I made with it. I mean, someone should marry me for this. I have other reasons too, smart, pretty, kind to animals, but this, this was a cheesy dish of heavenly bliss. You'll love me for it, Hell, I love myself for it!

The recipe will be at the bottom, you need the cheese, crescent rolls, mushrooms, butter, green onions, and bacon. Yummmmm. Bacon makes everything better. And the recommended wine, Pinot Noir went perfect!

Okay, on to the show...........
We start with our usual recap, beginning with meeting 25 handsome men. We see good dates, we see bad dates, we see crazy dates, we see cheesy dates, we see Justin and his girlfriend drama, Frank and his Frankespearan drama. It was a mid-summer's nightmare....well, this Juliet didn't drink the poison, and she certainly didn't fall on his sword (cause he bailed before the fantasy suite date). Hey, wasn't Romeo in love with someone else at the beginning of his play too??? Okay, let's move on from my limited knowledge of Shakespearean plays. (My drama teacher, Ms. Henry might be a little disappointed.)

On to the remaining 2 guys, Dinero-Roberto, and Cape Cod Chris. Time for them to meet the parental units in Bora Bora (yeah, I haven't used the phrase parental units since college, deal with it).

Now Ali takes a look back. She has had, wait for it..... an AMAZING time. Wearing her yellow, dealing with a two-timing, no, three-timing wrestler, more Frankespearen drama. However, I think her toughest challenge was Kasey, the crazy train. I mean, how did she NOT laugh in his face when he said "Jump in, stay awhile". Wait, she did laugh at that.

Roberto is first up to meet the family. He brings the required present. They never open it, who cares, he's Roberto! So it's Ali's Dad, mom, brother and sister. The brother and mom have on matching blues. Which distracts me. But I get back on track when the dad asked Roberto his favorite baseball team and Ali says "The Tiempa Blue Rays". Or maybe she meant blu-rays. Sigh. It is Tampa Bay. And they started as The Devil Rays, and are now just the Rays. After seeing how she held a bat, I'm not sure why I expected better.

Anyway, Roberto giggles, corrects her, and then her sister and brother drag him outside to have a "chat" with him. Ali tells her parents "he calms her down".
Me - Uh, can he make you stop with that stupid giggle of yours?
So mom has her chat with Roberto, she tells him the usual BS and says a sentence to him in Spanish. She she believes his heart is pure. Uh, you did not see them in the fantasy suite. I would NOT call that pure. HOT, yes. Pure, no.

Now it's Dad's turn. He asks about how Roberto feels about Ali. He hits a homer. Back when Roberto's dad asked Ali how she felt, well, she bunted. Ali, a bunt is... oh, forget it.

Ali's Dad gives his blessing. Of course he does. Who would turn down Rico Suave???
Now it's time to teach everyone how to salsa dance - Bailamos....let the rhythm take you over, bailamos....
Roberto gets ready to leave. The family loves him, he loves them, we all love each other... except for me and the construction crew outside my house working on the street when I am trying to sleep in. But that's another story.

Now it's time for Cape Cod Chris to meet the family. I bet the first thing she tells them his is from Massachusetts. (He has a basket of fruit for the gift, I would go w/wine)
Yep, I win that bet. They ask if he's from the East part or West part. I bemoan my lack of knowledge of geography, while I think, is Massachusetts big enough to have division between east and west? Sorry, but if you say West Texas, or East Texas, well, that could be an entire day apart, not, oh, say 20 minutes.

But back to our story. Obviously Ali never gave them the forewarning that his mother died, and Ali's poor mom stepped right in it. However, we then learn the following -
Chris's mom was a nurse. Ali's mom was a nurse. His dad used to teach. Ali's sister teaches, Ali's dad used to teach and Chris was high school teacher. So now we have teachers and nurses. So, one could get sick and learn geography. Perfect.
We hear the word "amazing" for the 100th time. I take another hit off my bottle of wine.

Another coincidence is Chris's dad grew up in Montreal, Ali's dad was born there. Hey, I went to Canada once too... Yes, Canadians, I know, it's a big country, blah, blah. It's still Canada.

Then they have a tearjerker conversation about his mom. Sniff. Glad I have Kleenex.
Now time for the conversations. Brother and sister get to go first. Her brother finally says one sentence. I was beginning to think the Phantom had returned. But this guy isn't as cool, and does not strike me as "stealthy" but the sister must have told him to keep his mouth shut. Is Stealthy even a word?
Chris rambles on to the sister and mute brother, the sister loves him. The brother is distracted by shiny objects.

Chris says "wicked amazing" and then goes out for the required dad talk. Summary - it goes as expected. Are you sure love her, yes, I want to marry her. Blah, Blah. I'm really not listening after the speech he gave to the sister and mute brother. I heard you the first time.

From there, they all put in their bathing suits and dive into the water. Lame.
They talk about how they both are from Massachusetts, and I really wonder how the hell they haven't met before, I mean isn't that state REALLY small? Yeah, yeah, I know, they have Boston.

Now it's the time for Ali to discuss both guys with the family. Rico Suave seems to have scored more points. The sister speaks for her and the brother again. He tries to talk, but she cuts him off, and takes over. The brother wonders if he should eat the fruit from the basket. But he's not sure if the sister will yell at him or not. They aren't very helpful as they come to the conclusion that both guys love her and both guys are great.

Now it's time for the down and dirty dates, I mean the ones that don't have the family around. Here she comes in yellow again. Is anyone else sick of her wearing yellow? They make out.
They jet ski.
Ali tells the camera "I really like to get on machines and go really fast.
Me - Snort.

Then they jump in the water with sting rays. He hopes it is safe. Uh, think, did ABC make you sign a waiver regarding sting rays? If, not you are good.
After frolicking and shrieking among the sting rays, they picnic on a beach, then it rains and they run out into the ocean. Good thing there wasn't any lightning. Just sayin', that would not have been safe!

Back at the hotel, Roberto lights the 100 candles the interns put out. Moves the champagne front and center. She arrives, and of course says, amazing.
Ali - "Before me, what was your type of girl?"
Roberto - "Not sure I have a type, I mean, they all chase after me, and I just pick one".
Me - Obviously sports knowledge is not a factor.
She tells him he is not her type, because he's too hot for her. We all agree with that. However, they both think each the other is AMAZING and they make out. He gives her a present. I'm sure an intern made it, and then he signed it. He reads it to her. She giggles. We all take a collective drink. He is soooo Dinero.

Now Chris gets ready for his date. His shirt doesn't match his shorts. He says he can't wait to hear her laugh. Really? It annoys the crap out of me, but I think I've mentioned that. He tells the camera how in love he is with her. Every woman watching hopes he is the next Bachelor.

Ali arrives. Tells him it has been a crazy week. She sits down for a serious talk. I don't see this ending well. She starts with how wonderful he is. Um, But. Oh, we've all seen it before, and know what's coming. She gently dumps him. She's such a rule-breaker. Chris is heart broken. Single women in the Northeast United States start googling his address. He thanks her for being honest. They cry and hug. She leaves and wanders down to the beach to contemplate serious things. Like OMG, should I have my bridesmaids wear yellow at my Robert-o wedding-o?

Then a beautiful rainbow arrives. It's Chris's mom telling him everything is going to be okay. It is a beautiful rainbow, and I don't have the heart to make fun of that.

Anyway, Chris cries over his lack of fashion sense, and packs his stuff and leaves on a boat. Is it just me, or have we seen a whole lot of comings and goings ON A BOAT?

Now Ali prepares for the final rose ceremony. She is sure of Roberto, she's not sure why he'd pick her, but she sure hopes he does. We aren't sure either, but he is now meeting with the diamond man. So apparently he is sure too. I will say I like their chances more than Jake and Vienna's. He picks out a ring, and wow, that ring is beautiful. I'm guessing he doesn't have to pay for it either, and that can't hurt. We get to see Roberto getting ready, including a shot of him in the shower. Now, what woman did NOT hit the pause/rewind a couple of times on that scene?

Ali gets dressed up, in shocker, a YELLOW evening gown. Roberto has on a suit and tie. Hey, who is the guy that helped Ali get dressed?

So here comes Roberto, ON A BOAT. She's nervous. He's sweating. Probably because he's wearing a suit, and has to walk up hundreds of stairs to get there.
He then tells her how he feels, she is dying to tell him she all ready sent Chris home. As much as Ali annoys me, even I had to say "aaawwwwww" after his speech. She kisses him, and I'm sure he has seen his rose sitting there. She finally gets to tell him that Cape Cod Chris is back in Cape Cod.

Summary - they are in love. And he asks her to marry him. She says yes. Again, Awwwwww. It's a fairy tale. Oh, and the sound editors added in Can You feel the love and we remember him in the Lion King.

Speaking of fairy tales, let me tell you about my recipe. Let's call them Delicious Cheesy Puffs.

Lay out the crescent rolls, but leave in the rectangular shape and press the seam together. Put in a piece of the Camembert cheese. Top with mushrooms sauteed in a little butter. Top with bacon pieces and green onions. Bake. Oh, snap.
One more tip - trust you crescent roll. I probably could have added more bacon and mushrooms but was worried about it holding it all in. Just be careful with the green onions. The cheese is very mild, and the onions make a fantastic opposite taste, but if you use too much of the green onions, it will over power the cheese.
The wine - 2007 Pinot Noir (label Chevriot). Very fruity, hint of cheery. Went PERFECT with this cheese. Also, if you don't feel like cooking, this cheese needs to be served room temperature - like Brie.

Hope you enjoy the recipe and my blog!
See you for the Bachelor Pad.

Wine, Cheese and the Bachelorette Finale

Ah, the ending of The Bachelorette. Who will it be? Cape Cod Chris? Or Rico Sauve Roberto? Chat w/my peeps tonight! See below for tonight's "featured" wine and cheese. And by "featured" I mean what I'll be having :-)


Tonight's Cheese: (will be paired with a Pinot Noir)

A very famous French cheese, Camembert dates back to the 18th century and is named for a Norman village in which there is a statue of the creator of this particular variety (Marie Harel). Originally, this cheese was dry and yellow-brown, but after a few modifications it became softer and more earthy. In 1855 one of Marie Harel's daughters presented Napoleon with a piece of that cheese, saying that it came from village called Camembert. He liked it a lot and from that moment Camembert became known by its contemporary name. At the beginning of its ripening, Camembert is crumbly and soft and gets creamier over time (usually 2-3 weeks). A genuine Camembert has a delicate salty taste.

The Bachelorette, the men tell all

So last night's show was a little uninspiring, the most for "fireworks" we saw was John N. telling the Weatherman he "bitched up". Best part was Kasey singing. I know, I know, he can't sing, but it was actually funny.

First, let's talk wine and cheese. Yes, I actually made a cream cheese recipe. First one, soften the cream cheese, add dill weed, use pepperidge farm simply pretzels. Easy dip, and it's AWESOME. And yes, I have another recipe, it will be at the end.

The wine - Mr. Wine guy at HEB recommended Tentino Pinot Grigio from Italy, or Marlborough Sauvingon Blanc from California. The Pinot had a lemony taste to it. I totally loved it. The Sauvingon Blanc was smoother and dryer, and was good as well. Mr. Wine Guy at HEB has not steered me wrong yet!

Now, back to the show.

Which guys are going to be there?? Will Rated R show, what about Frank, will douchebag Craig be there to be mean to the Weatherman? Will Jesse then kick Douchebag Craig's ass? We all know Craig R. will be there, because, well, we just know.

So, no Rated R, no Frank, and no Douchebag Craig??? I'm sad, angry and just plain mad. I mean, DB Craig gives me so much material. Sigh. I guess I'll have to wait until the Bachelor Pad.

Now, I'm no genius, especially at love, but single guys, you really need to start trying to get in the audience at the show. 3 words. Target Rich Environment. I also have to wonder if they let the "rejected Bachelors" mingle with the audience after the show. Dude, major score. Because you know every chick has on her cutest cocktail dress, best push up bra and spanx, JUST IN CASE. They are hoping to catch one of the guy's eyes, or better yet, a producer who would cast them in one of the upcoming seasons. Hey, not that there's anything wrong with it, 'cause it would definitely be my plan! I can admit it.

Anyway, as we have established, the room is teeming with estrogen, and that's BEFORE the Weatherman arrives. He left his White Members Only jacket at home, however, and opted for a tough guy, black leather jacket. Wait, is he wearing a baby blue tee under that. Sigh.

We get a recap of her "journey" with Roberto and then Cape Cod Chris. Then on to the disaster that was Frank and Justin. Let the bashing and recap begin....
We see Justin's departure through the Garden of Deception, and Ali chasing him down with the "oh, no u did-'nt" look on her face. And we see how SHE TOLD HIM.
Now a montage of "guard and protect her heart". Oh Kasey, please don't sing again. EVER. But he does later, and well, I'll have to admit, that was funny. More on that later.
All the guys think Kasey has an express ticket on the crazy train, however, they love that little goofball, anyway. Bless his heart.
We also see Ali looking at Kirk's scrapbook the first night where she says "Is that your mom, oh, she's so pretty". Okay, I remember the home town visits. Well, at least we know Ali can be polite, 'cause pretty is NOT the adjective I would use to describe Kirk's mom.

Now the video of Frank's love 'em and leave 'em and he makes Ali throw down that pretty flower in her hair, and then plunk down on her ass in the sand. Don't worry, I'm sure Chris Harrison brought over a couple of cute cocktails with umbrellas and let her get drunk and cry it out. That's what any good friend, I mean host would do.
Then there is unseen footage - Roberto's only un-smooth move. He opens the champagne and Ali almost becomes "one-eyed Willy" from the Goonies. (now I can't really remember if there was a character named one-eyed Willy from the Goonies, but work with me here.)
We see Frank's dad giving some non-sensical, rambling toast, and suddenly, Frank makes a little more sense.

Then Ali as a space cadet. I mean, her wearing the space helmet on her date with Kasey in the museum. She giggles, as she doesn't remember THIS at all. I should make fun of her here, but that would be like, well, hello pot, this is kettle. If you know me, you know what I mean. And if you don't, well, some of us to like to party. There.

We find out that peacocks are really loud. (And I don't mean the weatherman)
As well, as Chris N. is apparently "The Phantom".

Among the guys who are here, why is Mountain Man here? He didn't even make it out of the first round. One can only assume Kirk's dad is in the audience and they will be exchanging dead, stuffed animals. I wonder if he'll get that squirrel.

So the guys are, Jesse, Hunter, Kyle, Tyler V., Craig R. (told you he'd be there, I bet I end up wishing he would shut up), John C., Derrick (Shooter), Jason, Steve, Chris N., Kirk, Weatherman, Kasey the Crazy train, and Big Ears (Ty)

Chris N. is known as the Phantom. And he said more than 10 words, and was actually funny with his "The Phantom" t-shirt, a la "Rated-R". Where was THAT guy all season?
Summary time - Jesse would have (and could have) kicked DB Craig's ass. The weatherman would have, but could NOT have done so. Kasey, as we have noted, is a nut bag. And they all hated Justin. We know. We saw you try to "vote" him out. Too bad it's not Survivor where they HAVE to leave the island.

Time for the Frankespeare tragedy. It started out so lovely. They rode in a convertible, it broke down. No worries, they'll catch a cab, go get drunk while the interns get the car fixed, they make out in front of the Hollywood sign. Turkey, a carpet salesman, a carpet, Lisbon, more making out, more drinking, home town visit where he wears her tank top, and BAM. Frank does his 180, begs his ex, Nicole to take him back. He's been on a trip around the world with this other fabulous girl, but he can't stop thinking about HER. He then goes to break Ali's heart, but left his Clark Kent glasses at home. Maybe he figured Ali was going to punch him, and he didn't want those to get broken.
Craig R. speaks up first and I am all ready wishing he'd shut up. He says Frank and Justin are NOT the same. Justin is evil, Frank is just a screw up. BLAH, BLAH. Shut up, Craig!

Kasey says Frank took too long in taking himself out. Ty and Hunter try to take up for him too. We find out Frank will be there next week for "After the Final Rose". THAT should be interesting.

And now, time for the crazy train to pull into the station and stop in the hot seat.
Chris Harrison reminds him how he was left standing alone on a glacier. We see the craziness that was Kasey. Guard and protect, Ali is "imaginary", jump in and stay awhile, that ridiculous singing, and THAT STUPID TATTOO. We also see a couple of the guys laughing at him. Kasey takes mental notes and plots his revenge.
Kasey tries to say he hasn't always been like this, and he was just trying to be open. So, he once was normal? I'm not sure I'm buying that, you don't turn into a complete cheeseball overnight.

Chris Harrison - "Do you think you being such a whack - job scared her"
Kasey - "Hey, there has to be some girls out there who would like this stuff..."
Me - "Crazy Michelle comes to mind"

Chris Harrison points out he CAN'T sing, but Kasey was trying to be "fun". No, that's not fun, that's embarrassing.
On to the tattoo, it's his first one. It now represents him. And he says guard and protect another dozen times. Yeah, he's insane. That sums it up.

Now it's Kirk's turn in the hot seat. Chris Harrison reminds him he got sent home for Frank. We see his "journey". Including the mold sickness, and Ali finally dumping him. In that weird pepto-bismal colored rose-busted dress.
Chris Harrison says all the things he needed to say to make Kirk feel better. Is he a great relationship counselor or what!
We see a shot of the chicks in the audience, ready to pounce. Good plan.

Since Justin wouldn't come, we have to settle for the video. All the guys talk about how they hate him, then we see the "phone call" from Jessie and Canadian Snookie, I mean Jessica. Repeat of the Garden of Deception, with all the voice mails he left Jessica. Oops. Remember, hell hath no fury...... The do all the "I KNEW IT LINE". And Craig R. calls him EVIL, and blabs on as usual. Ty tells us how he lied to all of them. Craig R. takes the floor AGAIN and says no one is that loser's friend! And again, I want Craig R. to shut up.
Now here comes Jessie, the girl who busted this story wide open! Straight from Canada, and wearing a big beaded necklace. She reminds us how she and Ali became friends, it was the RV trip! Ah, camping, in a house that travels. My kind of camping. We get the whole Justin story. Jessica is the "main" girlfriend, and then Kimberly is his "on the side" squeeze. And that's why Jessica ratted him out. I have no doubt the girl would have kept her mouth shut if she hadn't found out about Kimberly. The story gets more bizarre and Justin had told Jessica she couldn't have a facebook page! Jessica decides to go against his wishes, sees HIS facebook page with postings from Kimberly and the bust is on. Furthermore, Kimberly lived 5 minutes from Jessica. Within walking distance, cause that boy didn't even own a car!
Chris Harrison - "So how did this work, for you to tell Ali"
Jessie - "Well, I wasn't going to sit on this, or miss my chance and another 15 minutes of fame, not to mention coming here, all these single guys, me in a hot dress...."

Questions from the audience - they hate Justin too.
Now some girl asks Craig R. to resolve his issues with Justin in an olive oil wrestling match. She obviously has the hots for him. We obviously wonder if she's insane.

Now, here comes Ali, in some weird sequined dress. And once again Ali has not brushed her hair. Well, to be fair, she did just have a good roll in the hay with Roberto and then Cape Cod Chris.

Chris Harrison interviews her. I'm still distracted by that rat's nest called her hair. She talks about Justin and how she kicked his ass for her, the girlfriend in Canada, and all the women in the world! GIRL POWER. On to Frank, she did not expect that. Ali's stupid laugh, Kirk is sweet and nice, and he says he's ready to find someone now. Back to the audience, still in pounce mode. Again, good plan.

Kasey sings again. However, this time it's funny. "You left me on a glacier and you choose that dumb ass Rated-R". Boy still can't carry a tune, and seems crazy as all get out.
Now, fun video time. Dancing, she wants to do it with Roberto (who doesn't), barking dogs, Ty barking back, Ali talking. EEEKKK it's a mouse, Craig R speaking Spanish to Roberto. Weatherman speaks Spanish too! Chris Harrison with a plastic glass, guy antics.
Now it's time to look back at the journey of Ali and Roberto, and the journey of Ali and Chris WHO WILL SHE PICK? We are reminded that Roberto IS Rico Sauve, and Chris is a great guy with a great family. Oh, and a sneak peak of the Bachelor Pad.
Then we have a green screen on air, as someone who works in TV, well, that's NOT good. They get it fixed, and trust me, someone is going to be in big trouble.
Video for the Bachelor Pad, crying, drama, hot bodies, booze, making out, trust, more making out, more crying, more drama, villains, rumors, puking, limos, fights. You get the point.
Chris Harrison thanks the studio audience, they hope he gets out of the way so they can rush the stage.

Now, for the 2nd cream cheese recipe. Half a cucumber, hollow it out. Soften the cream cheese, add the cucumber pieces, red onion, boiled shrimp, rotel, dill weed, oregano and basil. Spread into the cucumber and chill. You're welcome.
See y'all next week! What do you think? Comments are welcome, who do you think she will pick?

The Rules and Cheese and wine preview

Hello again, Bachelorette fans! Tonight it's the men tell all.

Drink for "bleep". You know, when someone calls THE CRAIG a name they can't say on tv.
Drink when someone says "Weatherman"
Drink if Frank cries. Now, I'm not even sure if he'll be there, but just in case.

Tonight's cheese - Cream Cheese. Now, before you say, WTF, just cream cheese? Don't worry, I have a couple of kick ass recipes (which will be featured at my annual Christmas party). And as usual, the recipes will be on tomorrow's blog.
Featured wines, another sauvingon blanc and a pinot grigio.

Chat w/my usual peeps tonight on Facebook!

Frank drops a bomb

First up - the Cheese. Mobay is really strong. I tried putting it with grilled chicken. WAAAAY to strong for chicken. However, is good for a cheese plate, especially paired against a milder cheese, like Leerdamer.

The wine - Pinot Blanc. Dry white wine. If you don't like fruity or sweet wine, this one is for you. I bet THE CRAIG would drink it, but not the weatherman. There, that should explain it.

Now, on to The Bachelorette. The opening previews Chris and Roberto falling in love with Ali. Frank, waxing poetic and talking about "what the heart wants" like Woody Allen. Except not in that creepy adopted child sort of way.

First preview, Cape Code Chris. He wasn't ready for love, but you bet your ass he is now! He is so connected to her! He was one of 25, and told her she was "wicked awesome", gave her bracelet, she met his family, rolled in the grass with him. and he is ready to open up more, but he is stressed. What if she picks another guy??? Hello, that's the process here.....

Now, Dinero time. I mean, Roberto. Montage of them making out. And her again holding the bat. PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER. Okay, back on track. Roberto is feeling it. Not sure why... I think he can do bettter. But no one ever asks me!

Last, preview is Frank. He starts with their "connection" that very few people have. It's everything he wants, EXCEPT, guess f'n what. He's still in love with an ex-girlfriend. And falling in love with Ali, makes him realize that he might be in love with the ex, Nicole. Wow, now how the hell do you tell that to the ex? Hey, I want you back, because I WAS falling in love with someone else, so it made me love you more? I mean, maybe this girl doesn't have such an annoying laugh..... or doesn't wear yellow all the time. Oops. Frank continues his Woody Allen justification and blabs on and on. Personally, I wonder if I can teach my dogs how to refill my wine glass.

Then Frank is in Chicago. Goes to find the ex-girlfriend, Nicole, just in case he's still in love with her. Hmm, Who called ahead and told her they were coming? Because, one, that was a really clean apartment, two, she didn't seem that surprised to see him. And oh, no she didn't, she's wearing Ali's signature color. And what is her necklace made of?

So Frank tells her how awesome Ali is. Hey, Frank, telling your ex-girlfriend how great the new girlfriend isn't the best route. He blathers on about his feelings. She sits there and I wonder if she is mute. Nope.

Nicole - I am not complete without you.

Me - Sigh, she's as stupid as he is.

They stare at each other, and the music starts. Personally, I was expecting the Bruce Springsteen song from Jerry Maguire. Because obviously they complete each other. Excuse me while I go barf.

Frank then tells the camera he now KNOWS that Nicole is the woman he wants to be with for the rest of his life. How long until he goes from knowing to "possibly". I say 45 minutes, plus or minus commercials. They snuggle and kiss.

Nicole - I missed your kisses.

Me - Barf.

And they stay in this weird hug position, weird because she has her legs up in a way that makes her look like a yellow easter egg.

Frank - I think I'm gonna live with her happily ever after. Hmmm, a bit of wavering all ready.
He then says he has to go find Ali. Oh, don't worry, the camera crew will lead you directly to her.

Frank - I can't even begin to imagine how that conversation is going to go.

Me - Oh, I can give you a hint. Let's just say I bet there are a lot of bleeps.

On to Ali in Tahiti. She has 3 amazing guys with such great qualities. Check, that, 2.

Cheesy hair flip in the water. Which intern had that idea?

First, Roberto. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. That's me rolling my R's in case you didn't catch that. He tells the camera thaat he's ready to propose. Ali shows up, flower number 1 in her hair. They are both happy. Yeah, he's hot.

They take off and board another helicopter. At least this time we don't have to listen to Ali's fake, I'm scared of flying BS. I think she's realized that one is waaaaay over.

They get flown to their own private island. He feels good about proposing. Ali talks to the camera and I'm left wondering if she had a boob job, or those gel inserts from Victoria's Secret.

Aw, how sweet, the island is in the shape of a heart.

They have a great time rolling in the water and sand. Roberto tells us Ali is perfect. Personally, I find her annoying. Especially when she screeches "this is so cool".

Now for the dinner portion of the date. And she's in the dress I mentioned earlier, I hope the gel inserts stay in place.

All of a sudden, Roberto is worried about putting his feelings out there. Come on, dude! You are dinero.

Roberto - Was today your favorite date so far?

Ali - It was a freaking heart!

Me - Sigh, how about, hell yeah, it was great, we got to make out on this beautiful island.

Roberto takes a long time in explaining his feelings, but finally ends it with he is falling in love with her. They make out. Hey, get a room! Oh, problem solved.

Ali tells him she has something, he looks surprised. Uh, did you forget about this part of the show. Shock, this is from Chris Harrison. Roberto reads it, blah blah, please use this key for the fantasy suite.

They agree, it's a good idea. Si, muy bueno. They have to walk through the water to get to the fantasy suite. I bet that water is a lot cleaner than the water back in Turkey.

The suite is beautiful, she takes off his shirt, and the curtains close.

Now it's Chris's turn. She has on really big sunglasses. She's missed Chris. He has missed her. Their date will be on a luxurious catamaran. You know, after all these great places, going back to their regular life is really gonna suck.
They discuss his family back in Massachusetts. Ali talked about the magical powers of the bracelet. Chris reminds us how he hasn't dated much in awhile, and he's working on opening up with her. He could end up proposing. Hey, Ali, remember, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

They make out on the boat, then have to jump in to swim to an island. Wow. That water is beautiful. They giggle, swim, make out, swim, giggle. She does the Jillian wrap her legs around him and he carries her to the shore.
They find clams, and yes, there are pearls! Planted or not? You decide. And surprise. Ali declares it is "Amaaaaazing".

Dinner time, and Chris says, surprise, "Awesome". At least 5 or 6 times. They have dinner cooked in banana leaves. Intersting. They discuss relationships, life and love. They make out. Now, it's fantasy suite time again. Chris feigns shock over the fantasy suite. Fantasy suite #54 Chris declares. He is REALLY happy. And he LOVES this girl. Wow. That is one hell of a fantasy suite. Ali says she'd even move back to Massachusetts for him. He says he doesn't care where they live. He told her he loves her. Wow. I did NOT see that coming. Didn't think he'd actually say that to her now. They go inside, and the curtains close again.

Now, time for the date that is not going to be much of a date. Frank tells us how he's here to tell her that he's in love with his ex-girlfriend Nicole. This isn't what he expected to happen. Yeah, buddy, neither did she. First, he needs to talk to Dad. I mean, Chris Harrison. Frank asks for advice on how to tell Ali he's dumping her. Chris says he was blown away, and he's done a 180! Frank says he has been overthinking things. No kidding. And after falling in love with Ali, he realized all this time, he really wanted Nicole. Oh, that's not going to go over well.

Chris - How do you think she's gonna take this?

Frank - I don't know.

Me - Uh, she's gonna be pissed.

Frank says he feels Nicole is who he is going to spend the rest of his life with, and he HOPES he's right. Besides, Ali is currently "homeless" and Nicole has this cool apartment in Chicago!

Chris tells him he has an hour to get his sh*t together to break the news to Ali. Chris wanders off to find a box of tissues he knows he's going to need later. Does anyone else want to smack Frank about now, or is that just me?

Ali heads to Frank's, in an off the shoulder shirt. Look, even Jenniferl Beals has had enough of the flashdance look. Anyways, she tells us that Frank makes her happy. Uh, not today. She's excited about taking him sailing. Cancel that. She hugs Frank and is oblivious. He drops the "we need to talk" bomb, and Ali quickly realizes that something wicked this way comes. I'm back to wanting to smack Frank. He's nervous. Probably because he knows she's gonna be pissed! He starts with the awesome connection, he was falling for her, BUT .......... he was being held back because of the unresolved feelings for an ex-girlfriend. Bomb dropped. He claims he went to see Nicole to get closure. But the second he saw her, he knew what he had to do. He tells her she is perfect in everyway, but the "click" with Nicole beats all that. The flower in Ali's hair begins to wilt. She throws it down. She should have thrown it at Frank. She chews him out because she did all this reassuring and never ONCE mentioned he could dump her for someone else. She handled this way better than I would have. I still want to smack him. He babbles some more. She calls him selfish, and reminds him how she gave up everything to be here. He says he did too, and she says "apparently not everything". OOOOH. Burn. A couple of bleeps and she tosses down her flip flops. She tells him to leave so she can deal with this. Bring in Chris Harrison. They hug good bye. This would be a great time to knee him in the crotch. But she wanders down the beach and finds Chris Harrison, and they have matching blue shirts.

Frank tells us how bad he feels. But he knows he loves Nicole.

Ali cries to Harrison. She has given up her whole freaking life.... She's really, really mad at Frank.

Frank feels horrible. And he takes his back pack and goes home, and hopes one day Ali will forgive him. I hope his glasses are in there, because apparently he has lost those.

Ali cries some more to Chris Harrison and she wonders why this happens to her. He sends her back to her room. He's gonna have room service bring some comfort food and a big fat bottle of wine.

Ali continues to bash Frank. (he deserved it) and she cries some more. Damn, I feel really bad for her. But hey, you have Plan B & C. My Plan B is a bottle of wine and snuggle time on the couch with my dog Boomer. Which is what I'm doing right now. Ah, I love my Plan B.

Back to Tahiti. Ali is wearing a purple tent. She talks about Frank's blindside. She needs to make sure Roberto and Chris want to be here and will COMMIT. Not be committed to someone else. She talks it out with Chris Harrison and says the pity party is over, Frank was the wrong guy for her, she wouldn't take him back, even if he came back and said he was sorry! Take that! She has high hopes that either Chris or Roberto could be her future husband. Harrison agrees, and hopes like hell that it works out, especially after that disaster that was Jake and Vienna.

She hopes both guys accept their roses. Look, they both said they were falling in love with you despite that stupid laugh of yours. I like your chances.

Chris and Roberto are brought in and wonder where the hell Frank is. Harrison says, yep, it's true. No Frank, but Ali will tell you why. They really wonder why she's wearing a purple and white tent. She tells them that he has things at home he didn't deal with, and now has gone home to deal with it. She says Frank wasn't the guy for her, but you two, both have the qualities of someone she wants to be with them. So if you take this rose, you better freaking mean it when you accept it! Chris gets the first rose. Roberto gets the 2nd one. They giggle, and for some reason, doesn't seem awkward. But it is. She tells the guys they are going to Bora Bora, where her family is going to be and they will meet family. Cheers.

Next week - the men tell all. Douchebag Craig, Crazy Train Kasey, the weatherman, and Rated-R. Hmmm, no mention of Frank.....

Until next week!