The Bachelor Pad - Week 1

Oh, where to begin??
First up, sorry no wine and cheese this week! I had to work tonight and well, last week, I turned 40, and drank enough wine to last me for quite some time!

Let's begin with the preview of the upcoming season - From the looks of it, we need the following sponsors: 1) Kleenex for all the crying, 2) Trojan condoms (obvious), 3) Bathing suit maker for all the pool scenes, 4)Spec's to provide all the liquor and 5) Band-aids to cover those stabs in the back! One last possible one - The Wedding Channel. But don't hold your breathe on that one!
Now we see Chris at the "Bachelor Pad" and he introduces us to this season's cast members:

Tenley - From Jake's Season. Ah, the divorced Disney Princess. Nice girl, but I hate her voice. Oh, wait, I probably hate her.
Jesse - From Ali's Season. I think we can all agree here. Please don't wear a shirt for the rest of the show.
Natalie - From Jason's Season. From the previews, looks like she's ready to play the game.
David - Jillian's Season. Let's see, he and Juan hate each other, and give this guy a few beers, and he's ready to rumble. Ah, Angry Dave.
Gwen - Aaron's Season. Hmmm, that was awhile back. And no age. Well, good for you, honey.
Jesse - From Jake's Season. Tattle Tale Extraordinaire.
Weatherman - From Ali's Season. And now he goes by Weatherman only? Hell, I forgot his real name too.
Nikki - From Jason's Season. Damn, those are big.... big earrings. Oh, and she once hooked up with Juan on a reunion trip. Interesting.
Juan - Of course, he comes in next. AWWWWKKK-WARD.
Wes - From Jillian's Season. The country singer with the girlfriend. Says he is currently single and doesn't have his guitar. Oh, he'll manage to get his hands on one.
Krisily - From Charlie's Season - Be glad he didn't pick you. He was NOT cute.
Elizabeth - From Jake's Season. She's now a blond. And from the previews, she will be doing actual kissing...
Jesse K. - From Jillian's Season, who Elizabeth has a thing for. Hmmm. Will he use that to his advantage?
Kipton - From Jillian's Season. Says he has lost his abs? What? Don't make us kick you off for that.
Ashley - From Jake's Season. Stewardess Girl.
Peyton - From Andy's Season. Must have needed another hot blond.
Michelle - From Jake's Season. Oh, crazy Michelle. I am SOOOO glad you are here.
Gia - From Jake's Season. Her boyfriend cheated on her, and she's a swimsuit model. And she announces she has a boyfriend now. Oh, snap.
Craig M. - From Ali's season. THE CRAIG. Douchebag Craig. This is going to be fun.

And that's our peeps. Throughout all of it, we had to listen to Tenley screech, scream, giggle and jump up and down. Did I say I wasn't drinking tonight? That might have to change.
Time for discussions of money and love.
Chris Harrison reappears from his private suite to explain the rules. So Juan and Nikki hooked up once, and now hate each other, so why do they keep sitting by each other? And the rules are:
1) There is a competition each week - if you win, you get a rose and you are safe from elimination.
2) If you have a rose, you get to pick someone to go with you on a date.
3) Guys vote of the girls. The girls vote off the guys.
4) At some point, there will be a merge.
And for this show - we have a co-host. Melissa Rycroft. Who is not on the show, 'cause she got married.

Time to check out the digs. Uh, one huge co-ed room. That can't be good. Oh, wait, yes, yes, it will.
Damn. Natalie pulled a Roz. She just showed her cha-cha.

Pool time. Girls on one side. Boys on the other. The girls are all ready targeting Douchebag Craig.
Competition Time. Twister. I bet lots of these girls do yoga. Tenley demonstrates her flexibility by sticking her foot in her ear. Yeah, that's sexy.

Winner will go on a date with 3 people of their choice. Tenley goes out because she doesn't know her left from her right. Snort. Same thing happened to Wes. Double snort.
Elizabeth starts calling out Douchebag Craig.
It's down to Jess, DB Craig, Juan and Jesse.
Damn, first thing Jesse does is forget his left and right. DOH! He should get a do-over since he's smoking hot.
Juan is out next.
Forgetting your left from your right is obviously contagious as Jesse loses the same way.
Aw hell. There goes the girls' brillant plan. The Weatherman takes extra Prozac.

DB Craig puts on his extra snazzy douchebag hat. I guess his hair is messed up. He first talks to Elizabeth to see why she hates him. Well, cause you are a DB. However, she begins to challenge Crazy Michelle for the Crazy title. And then the wheels begin to spin for Elizabeth, and she plans on going on the date to see if she can get the rose.

Night night time. Let's see who creeps first. Apparently it was Crazy Michelle and DB Craig. Oh, wait. That was just a rumor, according to her. And she's PISSED. I hope she doesn't kill someone.
First date card arrives, and he now has to pick his 3 bitches. I mean, dates. He picks Jesse, Gwen, and Elizabeth. Oh, I hope Crazy Michelle doesn't kill her. Elizabeth is worried Jesse K. will be mad. Uh, he won't.

The date starts in a limo, and they are all wearing bikinis. Well, except for DB Craig. Now, that would have been funny.
So the date is just a trip to the beach. But of course, the show provided free booze! Craig and Elizabeth have a "heart to heart" and he wants to make out with her. Come on in said the spider to the fly.........

Back at Hormone House - The planning and scheming starts, mixed in with a little talk of love. Oh, the irony. Love or money. Love or money....... Look, love don't pay the bills, just sayin'.
Make out session for hot Jesse and Natalie.

Back to the date. Now it's time for the evening part. Melissa appears because Chris Harrison is too busy working his new line to replace "This is the last rose". Craig has to hand out the rose NOW and pick one girl to stay on the date with him. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. He picks Jesse. Gwen and Elizabeth head back to the Hormone House.

Their date starts, and they get a private concert with Alex Band. Who?
Craig and Jesse dance and drink champagne. The other 2 head back home and plot revenge. As well as how to convince the guys to not vote them off.
Gwen and Elizabeth enter the house, grab some booze and tell the group Jesse and Craig are still on the date and she got the rose.

Jesse K. decides now is the time to tell Elizabeth that they are NOT in a serious relationship. In other words, he's gonna be making out with other chicks, so back the F off.
The talk goes over like a ton of bricks. She even tells him she is in love with him. It's awkward. Very awkward. She puts a noose around his neck. Well, not really, but she wants to. I have a feeling they are going to start targeting each other, and I don't see them dating after this. Oh, and move over Crazy Michelle, there is a new sheriff in town!

Jesse K. goes back and chats with the guys, might have to vote her crazy ass out. Elizabeth realizes he's not in love with her.

Crazy Michelle hates Tenley, and decides to confront her about the rumor, by trapping her in the bathroom. Kleenex time. Elizabeth consoles Tenley and says she'll go tell the guys to get rid of her. All the guys "love" Tenley, and yet she makes me want to barf. Anyone else? And hey, Tenley, you DID tell everyone that it was Michelle and Craig.

The episode now turns in to Survivor before Tribal Council. Let's get rid of her/him because she might beat me later. Then the usual, so and so wants to vote for you. What are you going to do about it??? Alliances start forming.

Elizabeth begins working Jesse K. she is trying to get him to admit he's in love with her. As well as telling him what the F to do. But she loves him. Run, run, Jesse K. She is loony-tunes!
Elizabeth - You can't be there for me, and show affection to me?
Me - Hello??? Is anyone home? Girl, you got dumped.

Jesse K. realizes that he needs to suck up to crazy girl or he's gonna be out on his ass. I just hope the girl doesn't shred your clothes into a million little pieces....

Rose Ceremony time. Which means the guys wear suits, and the girls wear the tightest cocktail dresses possible. I would say they had on their best push up bra as I do, but most of them don't need that.

Chirs Harrison enters the party and I am distracted by his tie. He then explains that everyone goes in the room one by one and they vote.

Voting begins, they pick pictures and drop them in the box. It seems Jesse K. and Krisely are on the chopping block. Or maybe it's Michelle and Juan.
The tension builds. And now the hosts hand out roses. Last person without a rose leaves. I guess Chris Harrison can keep his "This is the last rose" line.

Roses go to:
Gia (duh)
Jesse B (yippee, but next week, please don't let him wear a shirt)
Peyton
Kipton
Tenley (surprisingly, she doesn't clap and jump up and down)
Nikki
Ashely - What in the hell is she wearing?
David - Angry Dave
Natalie - Jesse B's girl.
Wes - He's not the villain yet?
Gwen - Has she said more than 2 words?
Elizabeth - Crazy lives on for another week.
Jonathan - Weatherman
Krisily
Jesse K.

So first 2 voted out, Crazy Michelle and Juan. Rats. I liked Crazy Michelle and her craziness. She shoulda kicked Tenley's ass while she had the chance.

Juan blames Nikki for his demise.

Michelle is pissed. She has a map to their house and a box of matches.

Next week, more drama. And someone take the guitar from the Weatherman and don't let Natalie sing again.