To Town We Go!

Week 2 of the Bachelor. I'm off the pain killers from surgery and able to drink wine. All is right in the world, at least in my world. For a couple of the girls on the show, their world will never be right, unless they get major therapy (Jenna).

The girls head to Sonoma. Ben's home town. My mecca - wineries. Ah, if I were only 10 years younger, and 20 pounds lighter. Anyway. We are down to 18 girls, which means the group dates will begin. Oh, aren't those fun. Well at least for us.

Ben talks about his dad, who if you have NEVER seen this show, his father passed away.

The girls arrive at the Sonoma mansion, I pay homage to wine country and pour myself a glass of sauvingon blanc. Well, actually, I sent my little sister downstairs to fetch it for me. Hey, she's here to take care of me. That counts!

Ben drops by with the first one on one date card. It's for Kacie B. from Tennessee. She is one of the girls who I have on my front runner list, and actually like. And I am immensely jealous of her hair. She has perfect hair.

The rest of the girls don their bikinis and grab some booze and hit the pool. All while seething with jealously. I'm sure the producers have stocked the place, so get drunk and console yourself.

Ben drives Kacie around Sonoma in his cool jeep. They walk around the town, and it's empty. Where are all the people? He shows her he can play the piano and then they go shopping. They hit a boutique buy a Kermit the Frog lunch box. Every girl needs a Kermit the Frog lunch box???? I guess it's better than Miss Piggy.
Then Kacie sees a baton in the boutique. She dashes back in and buys it so she can show him how to twirl and march. This date is going swimmingly well, they have dinner and they eventually enter a darkened theater - for a private screening of "This is your life".

Back at the Harem House, the date card for the group date arrives. The list of harlots, I mean women are: Britteny (grandma girl), Rachel (blond bangs), Jennifer (accountant), Blakeley (bad feather earrings), Emily (rapper epi-something-ologist), Jenna (crazy Carrie Bradshaw), Shawn (who?), Monica (mean girl), Samantha (sash girl), Jamie (nurse we like), Nicki (divorced girl from Texas), and Jaclyn (the girl who got to read the card).
The clue says "come play with me". Well, if it's in a sand box, look out, Blakeley aint afraid to throw sand!

Back at the date, Ben gives Kacie B the rose and they move to the afore-mentioned theater.

They watch videos of them growing up. Christmas, twirling competitions and dads. Ben was a cute baby, and apparently a naked baby. Aw, there is his dad. Sniff. Even if you hate all reality shows, if this doesn't make you a little sad, well, move to a cave above Whosville and be the new Grinch.

They kiss and she returns to the House, and all the other women pretend to be happy, be we all know they aren't. At this point, Kacie Bi s one of the ones I am rooting for.

Now it's time to sharpen your claws. I mean, go on the group date.

Blakely: I hope he sees me today.
Me: He can't miss you in the striped train conductor onesie that barely holds your hooters in place. All she needs is a hat and a whistle, Come on aboard, boys! Moving on, that joke is too easy.

They are in the town square of Sonoma. The local kids have written a play and the girls have to audition for parts. He tells them it's the best play writes, and it's a group of kids. Ha ha. Yeah, I be the moms love the Hooter Conductor, I mean Blakelely.

Anyway, the auditions start. Most are marginal.
The the Hooter Conductor gets her turn and one of the boys asks if she can run in slow motion. Ah, a well placed plant, but anyway. Cut to the other girls making fun of her and one little girl who is at a loss of words (Hooter Conductor is what you are looking for) says she wasn't a fan of hers. No one is, except Blakeley herself, and likely 90% of the male population. Sigh.

Back to the play, we hear Monica and her cackle. They all get ridiculous costumes and perform the kids' play in front of the town. Good thing they gave the Hooter Conductor the Gingerbread costume. It covers her completely. I think the last time Blakeley was covered completely, it likely involved whip cream. Moving on, they do the lame play and finally we get to the after party. Booze, bikinis and boobs. We have already seen one of those 3.

Blakely gets the first alone time, and he tells her he thinks she is very grounded and everyone likes her. What? Ah, add to Ben's qualities "unobservant".

Then he tells her he loved her outfit. Let's go from "unobservant" to "bad taste".
Ben: Where does that style come from?
Me: Hooter Conductor Whore shop.
Blakeley: Wasn't it just so cute? And didn't it show case my best asset?
Me: Yes, your boobs were there, and yes, he noticed. Men!

Samantha the Sash is now in the ladies room because she hates Blakeley. She has a powwow on the toilet with 2 other girls. They hate her. We all do.

The last one on one date card arrives, and it goes to the bitchy girl who is the size of an 8 year old girl. She needless Lindzi about the horse, and the other girls, and it works.

Kacie B reads the card and spits out Courtney's name.
The date card read "Let's spin the bottle". Courtney says that means he wants to kiss me and then asks Kacie B. how that tasted coming out of her mouth? Kacie politely declines to answer, even though she was thinking it tasted more like the food Courtney throws up to maintain her 100 pound model figure.

Back on the group date, everyone is in the pool. Blakeley has declared she is going to get the rose, and she has her train on the rack, I mean track. But before she can get the rose, Jennifer steals him away to the hot tub and they make out. I'm thinking she could become a front runner, and I don't hate her.

The girls put their money on Jennifer getting the rose. Blakeley and her blue ruffled bikini tells the camera she is a Scorpio and she has a tail that stings. The other girls see them making out and Blakeley is quite turned on by everyone watching. Whatever.

Jacyln - "Blakeley is fakely". HA HA. And she adds that all the girls will be pissed if she gets the rose. Get ready to be pissed.
And now the rose goes to Blakeley. Jennifer is completely deflated and the Hooter Conduct acts surprised.
Blakeley: It's like he chose me.
Me: Yes, that's what happened. We are shocked too, or we run out and purchase our own onesie jumper. I will also need to purchase a set of Hooters.

The next day Ben arrives to pick Courtney up for her one on one date and brings his little dog, Scotch. A cute Jack Russell.
She talks to the camera, but I really don't listen. Is it just me, or her personality just BORING?
They are both happy and excited, blah, blah.
They try to get Scotch to howl by doing a weird Star Wars noise. That apparently works. The dog d0es a cute howl, my dogs continue to snore on the couch.

Courtney tells him her cheeks hurt from laughing so much. Okay, the dog howling is amusing, but how is it that funny? Earlier she said she was "winning". I'd change that to "trying", as in trying too hard.
They discuss their dating past. She claims she doesn't get asked out a lot. Not buying. I'm guessing she just says no a lot.

Then they discuss traveling, kids, careers and all the fun stuff about relationships. No one ever talks about paying bills, religion, or the neatness/messiness factor.
He claims she is the full package and it's obvious she will be getting the rose. Ugh. Ben, last 2 choices, bad. Predictable, but bad.

Over dinner they discuss their past. Ben was a frat-party college boy. She dated an actor and a photographer in LA. Oh, who, who? Sadly, they cheated on her and she doesn't tell us anyway. She played that sympathy card perfectly! Other than that, I still find her quite boring. And as predicted, she gets the rose.

Now it's super meltdown time. I mean cocktail party time.
Some dummy says it seems weird someone is going home tonight. Uh, that is the premises of the show.

Ben arrives and starts with the fact that some people did not get a date, so he decides to start off with the girls who didn't get a date, starting with first impression, Lindzi.
She tells him she drives a big ass truck and plays in the dirt. She tells him she isn't used to wearing make up all the time. I predict she will go far.

Now Samantha Sash gets her time with Ben. She had a meltdown on last week's group date over Blakeley.

Erika stirs the pot and asks about the group date and rose.
Samantha is in the midst of telling him how she is not a drama queen, and Blakeley interrupts. Oh, don't you already have a rose? You can guess how that goes over with the rest of the girls.

Ben: I was really impressed with you at the audition.
Me: You couldn't see past her boobs.

Erika is getting her time, and then Blakeley comes back a 2nd time. Really? I thought Monica was going to be this season's Vienna. Nope, it's Blakeley, who, strangely enough was Monica's girlfriend in episode one.

The Blakeley bashing continues, and Ben steps into the twilight zone. I mean, grabs Jenna. She puts her coat over the candle. Ben averts the fire hazard, but not the crazy zone. She tells him she is very guy-like. Sorry, but I don't know that many neurotic, over-analyzing guys. That didn't go well, so she hides under the covers and cries. Someone please call that Dr. guy that was treating Brad Womack. She needs him.

Jaclyn has the show quote of the night in referring to Blakeley: "She isn't someone you take home to your parents, she is someone to motorboat". HA HA HA. First show did not show this girl enough, she actually has a personality! Not that cute, but funny!

Blakeley says she didn't care what anyone says, goes and hides in a corner behind a suitcase. But then she looks up, and she hasn't been crying. Ben comes to check on her. Well, played Blakeley.

Jamie gets her alone time and starts to blow it. Just talk when you get your chance! We like you!

Ben then chats with Britteny and gives her a hug that does not bode well for her future on the show. He finds Blakeley, and as I said, bitch wasn't even crying. Go back to hiding in the corner.

Ben then finds Jenna under the covers crying. Good bye Jenna.

Chris Harrison enters and it is rose ceremony time. Safe with roses are Kacie B (yah!), Courtney and Blakeley (boo!!!!!).

Out of the 18, 2 girls go home. No surprise, Jenna, and some blond girl. Jenna breaks down, as expected. She can't understand why she is going home. She really needs a therapist. And prozac.

Next week - they go to San Francisco, and the bomb is that an ex-girlfriend shows up, and someone passes out at the rose ceremony. Who is the mystery girl????

The outtake - Ben and Kacie B on their date talking about how wonderful the town is. And about that time the Po-Po tear through the town, sirens blazing. Another producer machination. Or the girls setting the Hooter Conductor outfit on fire.