Ah, the home town dates. At the end will be a new recipe with goat cheese. I tried it at a party, and it was well received.
Now, let's just get to it. This will likely be my shortest blog, because, well, I found this quite boring. He's boring, I'm bored, but at least I have wine. Sadly, this boredom makes me miss both Crazy Michelles and Douchebag Craig..... So here comes the 4 home town dates. Emotional Chantal, Creepy Shawntal, Shrieking Ashley, and Perfect Emily.
Brad puts on his thinking cap. No seriously, I can't think of any other explanation for that hat.
On to his visit with Chantal.
Brad - I worry she's emotional.
Me - Look, she's a chick, but she's not totally crazy.
Brad arrives in Seattle to see her, Chantal tells us she is in love with him, and reminds us again she is divorced. I'm almost as tired of that as of Tenley's failed marriage.
Brad arrives wearing the Back to the Future vest that Michael J. Fox wore as Marty McFly. I look at him like Doc, just not with the crazy hair.
They missed each other, she lives 4 streets over from her parents. Time for him to meet her pets, and then her parents. Oh, and he wants to live in Austin, and she knows it and doesn't care. Let's get this party started.
And her dog is an itty-bitty pom that looks mostly like a big ball of fluff. Don't let that fool you, the last dog that bit me was a pom (yeah, Hayden, you know it was you). And she has 2 boring cats.
Chantal - OMG. It's awesome to have you here. OMG. OMG.
Me - Can I have one of your Coronas?
Time to meet her parents. Brad is still sporting his Marty McFly look.
They head the 4 streets over and knock on their door. I'm not sure about y'all, but I don't knock at my parents house.
Anyway, did I say house? Excuse me, I meant mansion. Brad calls it a large house, we call it a mansion.
We meet her mom, dad and brother. And now we know what Chantal will look like in 25 years, as long as she visits the same plastic surgeron as Billiie Jo, her mom. Oh, why couldn't it have been Billie Jean? There would have been a lot more jokes with that. As for the surgeon, well, considering they have the same boob job, I'd say her chances of looking just like Billie Jo are optimal.
They have dinner, and her family has a wine collection that makes me swoon.
Chantal's dad - This is a statue a friend of mine introduced me to.
Me - Brad is the statue your daughter introduced you to!
Brad - Uh, can I get more wine?
Brad has ditched the Marty McFly vest and they talk daddy issues, family, and settling down. We get another shot of that impressive wine collection and Chantal, Brad and family all agree it went well.
Next is Ashley in Maine. There is a lot of shrieking and I wish I could get some wine from Chantal's dad.
Ashley starts off the date telling him, they have been disconnected. No, he's just been seeing other girls. He's annoyed, so she switches gears and tells him he looks cute. She sounds like she is 12, and I drink more wine.
She drops another cute - where she worked in high school.
She tells him they have a bunch French "Acadians" here. He astutely observes it's because they are right on the border. She tells him her mom will explain what that is, but we never get that explanation. I guess I'll be bugging our resident Candian, Randy Melin to find out. They order some weird dish called Quix-in. No idea how to spell it, but that's okay, he answers Si, instead of Oui. Oh, snap, I did the same thing when I went to Paris. Anyway, this Quix-in thing comes, and it's French fries with cheese and brown gravy. OH THE HORROR. EVERYONE KNOWS IT SHOULD BE WHITE COUNTRY GRAVY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE????
She feeds Brad a fry of blasphemy and tells him she sees his crown. And they go back to their "beating a dead horse" and talk about reassuring each other. I'm about to make a run to Dairy Queen for some fries and freaking WHITE COUNTRY GRAVY.
They leave the restaurant to go shopping for dinner with her family, they get lobster, and Ashley reminds him they are in Maine, just in case he forgot. She shrieks, I drink. I long for Emily's "shut up". They buy vegetables and fruit at some honor system cart. They take pictures at the city's sign. Again, she shrieks, I drink.
They arrive at the house, Ashley jumps up and down and shrieks some more. Her mom shried,s her sister shrieks, she hops like a bunny in his arms. He likes it, I find it annoying. Maybe that's why I am single, because I just don't get that.
Her sister is sporting a big chest tattoo. They eat lobster and annoy me some more. Dammit. I really really to teach these dogs of mine to fetch me more wine.
Ashley's dad is sporting one of the ugliest shirts in the world. Chest tattoo sister tells him that Ashley in the perfect place for a relationship.
Let's end this. There is more jumping, shrieking and drinking for all of us.
Now, it's Halloween time, Shawntal and her mauselum.
We see Shawntal in mini-dress and boots. Damn, you have to admit the girl is smoking hot. However, I believe she needs a goth, rocker type.
She gives him the tour of the family business - here are urns, the crematory (?) and the embalming table. Okay, moving on and summarizing. He meets the family, it's a lukewarm reception. Her dad wants Shawntal to take over the business. End of story. Shawntal said she's work as an embalmer in Austin. We all know that is not going to happen. Chico, you will be keeping your favorite undertaker.
On to perfection - we have Emily in Charlotte with her daughter, Ricki.
Brad arrives to meet them. Ricki is shy and hides. Again, it's summary time, as all this was boring too. Brad brought her a kite. They fly it. The kid giggles, but still doesn't have much to say. They head back home and see Ricki's room. I think her room is bigger than my house. They play games, and then the kid goes to bed.
Emily is for making out on the couch, Brad isn't.
Brad - I've never dated a woman with kids.
Me - You are 37 and single, but never dated anyone with kids? How can that be? Never mind. Just like Matthew McConnehey in Dazed in Confused, he likes 'em young.
He finally kisses her good bye at her door, and speaking of Matthew McConnehey, he's in a commercial for a movie coming out. Yes, I have read that book, and yes, I will see that movie.
Okay, time to wrap it up, rose ceremony time. We all know Elivira, I mean Shawntal is going home, but we watch anyway.
I wonder who did Chantal's hair, and why they didn't give her some spanx. Look, girl, we have all been there, sometimes we have an extra 5 pounds.
And just as we thought Shawntal goes home.
Brad to Shawntal - Can we go over here, so no one can hear?
Me - Except the show?
I genuinely feel bad for her, and she handles it gracefully. My only issue is she goes on about how wonderful Brad treated her and how perfect he is. Sigh. Look, face it, the clothes you got in Vegas had more personality than he does.
Ashley assumes her Debbie Downer role again and reminds Emily and Chantal that it's sad because that crying mess will be one of them next week. At this point, my money is on that it will be her.
We get to hear more from Shawntal on how perfect Brad was. Shawntal, I promise, you can do better.
Brad goes back in and tells the last 3, they are going to South Africa. Chantal steals Emily's "shut up", and Ashley squeals and shrieks. Then we have a preview of Emily telling an elephan to "shut up". Oh, next week will be fun, as it's fantasy suite week.
This week's recipe. Make sweet Italian turkey sausage. Mix with Goat Cheese. Use 3 sheets of phyllo dough (brush butter on each layer). Cut sheets in 4 pieces, put in a spoonful of the sausage cheese mixture, and roll up and bake. DELISH.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Ah, the Caribbean. Great, now the Jeffrey Osborne song "Caribbean Queen" is stuck in my head. Yours too? You're welcome.
Previews - beaches, bathing suits, and half naked women. Another "you're welcome" to the guys who now watch this show due to me, or any other woman in your life.
The girls woo-hoo their way from a boat on the beach. Britt, the food critic, is sooooo excited. I'm convinced she's very critical of food, as she doesn't appear to eat much of it. Ashley is convinced she's on Baywatch.
More oohing and aaahing over the villa. Can I carry some one's luggage and bunk in?
Chris Harrison arrives and drops a bombshell. Instead of the usual 3 dates, there will be 4!!! Da-da-dum. Speaking of dumb, Michelle looks quite perplexed at this announcement, and I'm sure she's pissed there is an extra date that "her man" has to go on.
3 one on one dates and 1 awesome group date. Check that, awesome for Brad, not so awesome for the girls. Oh, and the other monkey wrench, no roses on the one on one dates, only one on the group date. Let the scheming begin.
Chris leaves them with date card #1. First one on one date is for Emily. Britt is disappointed, and Michelle is in search of a barbie doll she can use as a voodoo doll of Emily. Shawntal and Chantal hit the bar.
Brad arrives to whisk Emily away in a helicopter. She tells him "shut up" for about the 100th time. She can't believe how great of a date he has "planned" for her. Look, let's all agree that Brad just agrees with the production assistants when they tell him what to do.
SHUT UP. Emily says after they arrive on a private island. It's a picnic and champagne. It just seems awkward. He gets nervous. And it's the same old conversation. He calls her "Em" and she is scared. He is crazy about her. I still just don't see it.
Back at the villa, the next date card arrives. Shawntal N. gets the one on one date, again. Not Britt. Sniff, sniff.
Back on some random beach in Anguilla, hark, what is that? It's a table, with wine and dinner, and a romantic fire. And it's amazing. Brad's favorite word to Emily's favorite phrase "SHUT UP". They discuss home town dates and will he get to meet her daughter. Emily tells him she is overprotective and that she hasn't been introduced to anyone she has ever dated. Understandable. And he asks to meet the kid anyway. It's up in the air, but I'm going to bet she does.
Brad, being the ever rebel, tells her that she is going to get a rose at the next ceremony. So get ready. He calls her Em a few more times. Now I say "shut up".
Previews of the half naked women again, and now on to Shawntal's date. She talks about him coming to meet the Addams family. I mean, her family.
They ride bikes. He could have told her, poor girl is wearing a skirt. They arrive in a local village and it's a farmer's market with rasta music. She has a braid in her hair too. Like Emily. Is Michelle doing their hair?
They play dominoes.Well, the locals help them. Then they meet Auntie Bee, who asks them if they are in love. She gives them advice - you should hold hands and maybe kiss sometimes. Shawntal decides she should marry him.
And then, look babies! Well, baby goats. I'll have to admit, they were cute. They drink wine and tell each other how much they like each other. And now Shawntal tells him she is falling in love with him.
We now move on to the dinner portion of the date, and they have on 2 lovely shades of purple. Well, mostly her dress is lovely.
She talks, and talks, and talks. Hey, know anyone like that?
Brad tells her the absentee father story. They discuss him coming to Chico to meet her family. Summary - amazing, rain, amazing, cool, kissing, amazing. And now the most famous singer in Anguilla shows up. I don't know who he is. But, hey, looks like fun. They dance. And kiss.
Back at the villa, Britt finally gets the one on one date. It says "Let's set sail on the sea of love". Michelle is jealous and says she sees their boat sinking. I am reminded of the 1989 movie, the Sea of Love. Where a guys murders his ex-wife's new lovers. Hmmm, anyone else see an updated 2011 version staring Michelle as the stalker/killer?
Moving on.
Shawntal and Brad jump in the ocean and make out some more.
Now Britt gets ready for her date. Britt puts on her size 0 clothes, and they get picked up in a yacht. The other women are jealous. Michelle reminds of Ursula, from The Little Mermaid.
Back to Britt and Brad. He takes her to a bay and they rock climb and get ready to cliff jump. Brad cannonballs in. I worry the wind is going to blow Britt off the rocks. She jumps in and immediately bobs back up, not enough weight to hold her down.
Date card for the group date arrives. It's Ashley, Michelle and Chantal - the hint is the Dawn of a New Love. Michelle tells them group dates suck. We know, you've said that before.
Back to Britt and Brad's date. I'm bored. Good thing I have wine. They have wine and dinner. I'm still bored. It's just not there. And now Brad confirms that to us. He lets her down gently. And I'm impressed. At least he didn't avoid it. Britt tells him that more time might get them there. He sticks to his guns and tells her it's time to say good-bye. Wow, he might be boring, but today, he was decisive.
Britt gets dropped off at the house, Ashely is thrilled to see her. I want to punch her. Britt tells them that she is going home. All the girls pretend they are sad, and then help her pack her sh*t.
Now, time for the drama and the half naked girls I have been promising the guys.
Brad arrives at their villa before the sun comes up, and tells the 3 girls to move their butts. They arrive at a house, where they get ready for the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated! Michelle is in her element, Chantal is regretting the food she ate, and Ashley regrets not investing the 10k, as Michelle and Chantal did on her boobs.
The photographer has Ashley jump up and down, and even take her top off. Hey, she does only need sand dollars to cover them up. Yeah, yeah, takes one to know one.
Now Chantal struts her stuff. She rolls in the sand with her best porn star imitation. And goes topless too. Awkward.
Michelle tells Brad he needs to do the shoot with her, throws him down in the sand and sticks her tongue down his throat. Michelle's mission succeeds, and Chantal begins her meltdown. Brad realizes making out with Michelle might not have been the best idea he has ever had. The "after" pool party might not be too much fun.
Brad first pulls Ashley aside to talk. But she talks more. And she annoys me. He loves her personality. Blech. Moving on. Speaking of moving on, Ashley tells him she'll be okay if it doesn't work out. This upsets him, but I'm not sure why. Look, Brad. Sometimes it hurts, but not all women fall to pieces.
Now he talks to Chantal, and they talk about how hard group dates are. They talk about her family, and I didn't really listen to the rest.
On to Crazy Michelle. He tells her they might be too much alike. Oh, he thinks he's crazy too??? Michelle tells him how she's supposed to be there. All 3 women are stressing out. Now the real Chantal meltdown begins, and Brad is confused.
So now this group date has gone to hell in a hand basket. He pulls Ashley aside and she is afraid she is going to leave. He gives her the rose. I'm not sure why. Maybe just to shut her up. She talks like a baby, we get a shot of her hair, now those are some extensions that Vienna could envy! He reassures her to trust in what they have. They return to the group date and it's awkward. Chantal meltdown takes another step and cries, and refuses to go with Brad. So the other 2 girls leave. She tells him if he can't pick her over the other 3, send her home. He talks, she cries. He talks, she cries. Moving on.
Time for the rose ceremony. The girls arrive in a limo. They enter a gorgeous house/villa/dream. Wow. Ashely has on my 90's pant suit that I used to wear to weddings. Chris Harrison startles Brad as he looks at the women's picture. He doesn't want a cocktail party, and he's ready to choose. Chris Harrison reminds him the next step is home town dates. THIS IS BIG, MAN.
Brad sticks to his guns again, and Chris goes and breaks the news to the women. Michelle's earrings are HUGE. Anyway.
Rose ceremony begins, on the beach. Ashley has a rose, and Michelle's dress is ugly. And sorry, so is Emily's.
Brad: blah, blah, blah. He chooses:
Emily (just like he said he would, and she acts surprised)
Shawntal
Chantal
Good bye, Crazy Michelle! Brad, if you own a bunny, now is the time put that bunny in the witness protection program. He walks her out, she won't let him touch her. Chantal says it's got to be awkward, we really know she'd like to do the happy dance. Michelle tells him she doesn't want to talk, and gets in the limo and leaves. She lays down in the back of the limo and doesn't say a word. The producers (and we) are all disappointed. I guess she gave us enough material throughout the season.
Next week - home town dates. Ashely jumps up and down, Shawntal takes him to the funeral home,
Chantal is in love, and Emily's daughter hides.
Previews - beaches, bathing suits, and half naked women. Another "you're welcome" to the guys who now watch this show due to me, or any other woman in your life.
The girls woo-hoo their way from a boat on the beach. Britt, the food critic, is sooooo excited. I'm convinced she's very critical of food, as she doesn't appear to eat much of it. Ashley is convinced she's on Baywatch.
More oohing and aaahing over the villa. Can I carry some one's luggage and bunk in?
Chris Harrison arrives and drops a bombshell. Instead of the usual 3 dates, there will be 4!!! Da-da-dum. Speaking of dumb, Michelle looks quite perplexed at this announcement, and I'm sure she's pissed there is an extra date that "her man" has to go on.
3 one on one dates and 1 awesome group date. Check that, awesome for Brad, not so awesome for the girls. Oh, and the other monkey wrench, no roses on the one on one dates, only one on the group date. Let the scheming begin.
Chris leaves them with date card #1. First one on one date is for Emily. Britt is disappointed, and Michelle is in search of a barbie doll she can use as a voodoo doll of Emily. Shawntal and Chantal hit the bar.
Brad arrives to whisk Emily away in a helicopter. She tells him "shut up" for about the 100th time. She can't believe how great of a date he has "planned" for her. Look, let's all agree that Brad just agrees with the production assistants when they tell him what to do.
SHUT UP. Emily says after they arrive on a private island. It's a picnic and champagne. It just seems awkward. He gets nervous. And it's the same old conversation. He calls her "Em" and she is scared. He is crazy about her. I still just don't see it.
Back at the villa, the next date card arrives. Shawntal N. gets the one on one date, again. Not Britt. Sniff, sniff.
Back on some random beach in Anguilla, hark, what is that? It's a table, with wine and dinner, and a romantic fire. And it's amazing. Brad's favorite word to Emily's favorite phrase "SHUT UP". They discuss home town dates and will he get to meet her daughter. Emily tells him she is overprotective and that she hasn't been introduced to anyone she has ever dated. Understandable. And he asks to meet the kid anyway. It's up in the air, but I'm going to bet she does.
Brad, being the ever rebel, tells her that she is going to get a rose at the next ceremony. So get ready. He calls her Em a few more times. Now I say "shut up".
Previews of the half naked women again, and now on to Shawntal's date. She talks about him coming to meet the Addams family. I mean, her family.
They ride bikes. He could have told her, poor girl is wearing a skirt. They arrive in a local village and it's a farmer's market with rasta music. She has a braid in her hair too. Like Emily. Is Michelle doing their hair?
They play dominoes.Well, the locals help them. Then they meet Auntie Bee, who asks them if they are in love. She gives them advice - you should hold hands and maybe kiss sometimes. Shawntal decides she should marry him.
And then, look babies! Well, baby goats. I'll have to admit, they were cute. They drink wine and tell each other how much they like each other. And now Shawntal tells him she is falling in love with him.
We now move on to the dinner portion of the date, and they have on 2 lovely shades of purple. Well, mostly her dress is lovely.
She talks, and talks, and talks. Hey, know anyone like that?
Brad tells her the absentee father story. They discuss him coming to Chico to meet her family. Summary - amazing, rain, amazing, cool, kissing, amazing. And now the most famous singer in Anguilla shows up. I don't know who he is. But, hey, looks like fun. They dance. And kiss.
Back at the villa, Britt finally gets the one on one date. It says "Let's set sail on the sea of love". Michelle is jealous and says she sees their boat sinking. I am reminded of the 1989 movie, the Sea of Love. Where a guys murders his ex-wife's new lovers. Hmmm, anyone else see an updated 2011 version staring Michelle as the stalker/killer?
Moving on.
Shawntal and Brad jump in the ocean and make out some more.
Now Britt gets ready for her date. Britt puts on her size 0 clothes, and they get picked up in a yacht. The other women are jealous. Michelle reminds of Ursula, from The Little Mermaid.
Back to Britt and Brad. He takes her to a bay and they rock climb and get ready to cliff jump. Brad cannonballs in. I worry the wind is going to blow Britt off the rocks. She jumps in and immediately bobs back up, not enough weight to hold her down.
Date card for the group date arrives. It's Ashley, Michelle and Chantal - the hint is the Dawn of a New Love. Michelle tells them group dates suck. We know, you've said that before.
Back to Britt and Brad's date. I'm bored. Good thing I have wine. They have wine and dinner. I'm still bored. It's just not there. And now Brad confirms that to us. He lets her down gently. And I'm impressed. At least he didn't avoid it. Britt tells him that more time might get them there. He sticks to his guns and tells her it's time to say good-bye. Wow, he might be boring, but today, he was decisive.
Britt gets dropped off at the house, Ashely is thrilled to see her. I want to punch her. Britt tells them that she is going home. All the girls pretend they are sad, and then help her pack her sh*t.
Now, time for the drama and the half naked girls I have been promising the guys.
Brad arrives at their villa before the sun comes up, and tells the 3 girls to move their butts. They arrive at a house, where they get ready for the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated! Michelle is in her element, Chantal is regretting the food she ate, and Ashley regrets not investing the 10k, as Michelle and Chantal did on her boobs.
The photographer has Ashley jump up and down, and even take her top off. Hey, she does only need sand dollars to cover them up. Yeah, yeah, takes one to know one.
Now Chantal struts her stuff. She rolls in the sand with her best porn star imitation. And goes topless too. Awkward.
Michelle tells Brad he needs to do the shoot with her, throws him down in the sand and sticks her tongue down his throat. Michelle's mission succeeds, and Chantal begins her meltdown. Brad realizes making out with Michelle might not have been the best idea he has ever had. The "after" pool party might not be too much fun.
Brad first pulls Ashley aside to talk. But she talks more. And she annoys me. He loves her personality. Blech. Moving on. Speaking of moving on, Ashley tells him she'll be okay if it doesn't work out. This upsets him, but I'm not sure why. Look, Brad. Sometimes it hurts, but not all women fall to pieces.
Now he talks to Chantal, and they talk about how hard group dates are. They talk about her family, and I didn't really listen to the rest.
On to Crazy Michelle. He tells her they might be too much alike. Oh, he thinks he's crazy too??? Michelle tells him how she's supposed to be there. All 3 women are stressing out. Now the real Chantal meltdown begins, and Brad is confused.
So now this group date has gone to hell in a hand basket. He pulls Ashley aside and she is afraid she is going to leave. He gives her the rose. I'm not sure why. Maybe just to shut her up. She talks like a baby, we get a shot of her hair, now those are some extensions that Vienna could envy! He reassures her to trust in what they have. They return to the group date and it's awkward. Chantal meltdown takes another step and cries, and refuses to go with Brad. So the other 2 girls leave. She tells him if he can't pick her over the other 3, send her home. He talks, she cries. He talks, she cries. Moving on.
Time for the rose ceremony. The girls arrive in a limo. They enter a gorgeous house/villa/dream. Wow. Ashely has on my 90's pant suit that I used to wear to weddings. Chris Harrison startles Brad as he looks at the women's picture. He doesn't want a cocktail party, and he's ready to choose. Chris Harrison reminds him the next step is home town dates. THIS IS BIG, MAN.
Brad sticks to his guns again, and Chris goes and breaks the news to the women. Michelle's earrings are HUGE. Anyway.
Rose ceremony begins, on the beach. Ashley has a rose, and Michelle's dress is ugly. And sorry, so is Emily's.
Brad: blah, blah, blah. He chooses:
Emily (just like he said he would, and she acts surprised)
Shawntal
Chantal
Good bye, Crazy Michelle! Brad, if you own a bunny, now is the time put that bunny in the witness protection program. He walks her out, she won't let him touch her. Chantal says it's got to be awkward, we really know she'd like to do the happy dance. Michelle tells him she doesn't want to talk, and gets in the limo and leaves. She lays down in the back of the limo and doesn't say a word. The producers (and we) are all disappointed. I guess she gave us enough material throughout the season.
Next week - home town dates. Ashely jumps up and down, Shawntal takes him to the funeral home,
Chantal is in love, and Emily's daughter hides.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Don't bug me!
Tonight's recipe - well, it involves my Holidays past. You see, I gained the usual 5 pounds during the holidays, so I'm having my low-cal soup, but it does have cheese! Recipe below, if needed. I'll be having it twice a week for a month or so :-)
Now, on to our drama, I mean, our show. Vamanos! Costa Rica awaits. It has jungles, rain forests, monkeys, and BUGS. And of course, drama and a shirtless Brad. Thanks for the money shots. He is on the boring side personality wise, but as Pitbull says "Damn, I'm hot".
Brad arrives in a helicopter, while we have to see the remaining Ashley say Costa Rica in her best Spanish accent. I'm not impressed.
The girls arrive at the hotel in an SUV being driven by, I think Michelle. Clearly, it can't be her, as I would expect her to drive them over a cliff.
Anyway, the girls check out their awesome villa. I am a bit jealous. A few years ago, I was going to visit Costa Rica with the boyfriend I had at the time. We never went, and clearly that didn't work out for me. And moving on....
Yeah, yeah, the place is nice and there is a volcano. And rain forests, and monkeys, and Brad. Oh, and Alli, don't look now, bugs. And is it just me, or does Michelle always wear that purple tank top?
The girls have a villa in the jungle.
Remaining Ashley declares the hot tub, pool and villa "organic". Hmm, I would think hot springs, a stream and a tent would be more organic, but who am I to know, since I never went to Costa Rica. Sigh. Gulp of wine.
Ah, and here is the first date card. They let him leave and then they pounce. Chantal O. gets the first date. Michelle begins to sharpen the knife set she found in the villa, and Alli tries not to cry. The rest jump up and down like cheerleaders.
The crew apparently takes the knifes away from Michelle as she then tells us the wants Chantal to be attacked by monkeys or apes. I mostly wonder why Michelle got so carried away with her eyebrow pencil.
Chantal then gets ready and packs her sh*t. Just in case. Wow. That is a pink suitcase. Very pink.
The date starts with a helicopter ride. Brad worries about Chantal's drama. I worry about the fact he can't see Michelle is crazy. As well when to use "I" vs. "me".
Back at the Villamonalogues, (get it???) Michelle cries to Emily about Chantal. And they lose audio. However, I can guess what she says - She's not right for him, he belongs to me, and the bitch and her pink suitcase need to go home.
Audio is restored, and we are back on the date. They arrive in a rain forest to go zip-lining. And guess what? It rains. And I notice Brad and Chantal remind me of the Florida gators. Just because of the orange and blue. Sorry for the sports reference, but it is my job/life. Back to the show, and it's summary time:
It rains. They zip line. It rains. They zip line. They make out. It rains.
Back at the Villamonalogues, the group date card arrives. Everyone is in, but Alli. So that means she gets her one on one, Britt is the queen of group dates, and Michelle hates group dates. I think she has mentioned that.
Back to Brad and Chantal. Dinner time date, and big surprise. It starts raining in the rain forest. They grab the wine and move indoors. Oh, and they go to his room. Brad is a rebel tonight. He tells us he's taking this woman and the rose elsewhere. I would have grabbed the bottle of wine, but I bet the production assistant has made sure his room is fully stocked. Oh, and the date rose, someone handed him that.
Michelle is glad that the rain has ruined his date. We all laugh at that because in 30 seconds Chantal is only wearing his shirt. Ha ha, Crazy Michelle. Ha ha.
Chantal - I like seeing this date being on the fly.
Brad - Oh, this is on the fly all right.
Me - Snort.
Summary again - They make out, she gets a rose.
Next up, group date, and Michelle's a crazy bitch. Well, at least she's consistent. And she hates group dates, and it's raining, in a rain forest. And she's pissed that Chantal came home, and in Brad's shirt. And in case we forgot - Brad is her man, not Chantal's.
So the group date is rappelling down a waterfall. Ha ha, Michelle, Ha ha. Now I'm consistent. Mean, but consistent.
Jackie is afraid of heights, more on that in a minute. Mostly, Michelle is pissed because they made a pact they would never rappel down anything else with anyone else. Uh, Michelle, go back and read your pact, it was RAPPEL DOWN THE SIDE OF A BUILDING. This is a waterfall, thus, is excluded. (insert your own ha ha, Michelle, ha ha)
Shawntal goes first, then the others, and then Jackie freaks out about the heights, and Michelle complains. I guess she forgot about her "fear" of heights.
Now, all the girls are at the bottom, except for Crazy Michelle. She hits him, she's angry. I hope he throws her off the cliff, but he doesn't. He tells her they are going to rappel together. The rest are jealous and I wonder why he can't see Michelle is a crazy bitch.
The group date moves to the after party, and of course, involves booze and bikinis. I know Emily is hot, but her bikini is ugly, Michelle talks dirty to us, obviously after a few drinks.
And the drama begins. Jackie gets the first one on one, and he's proud of her for rappelling, and then she says I wish you had rappelled down the waterfalll with me instead of Loony Tunes.
Back at Villamonalogues, Alli gets her one one one date card and it says "Meet me at the
alter". Chantal begins meltdown status.
Group date flash - Michelle says everyone should go home, and Emily is sweet.
Back to V.M. - There is a really big bug. Well, medium size. Chantal starts to shoo it outside, but Alli is freaking out, so she tosses it on her. So Alli is afraid of bugs. So much she screams like a banshee and drops her drink. Lucky for Brad, he's talking to Michelle, and she puts her claws in him and keeps him there. She begins her crazy babble, and we all seriously wonder if Brad just likes deranged women. She complains, whines, bitches, and then kisses him to shut him up when he questions her. At this point I wonder why he doesn't send her ass home, and then we get a shot of her ass and I'm reminded why.
The group date drama continues, Brad gets pissed and doesn't give anyone a rose. Michelle thought it was hers, so now she is really pissed. Peace out, Brad out.
Alli get sher sh*t packed and heads out on her one on one date. Brad arrives on a horse. Alli gets a miniature one. Okay, either I drank too much wine, or this is a boring date. You pick - summary.
They crawl in a cave. She shrieks, there are bugs and bats. and an alter. They have dinner, and it is awkward. They are having dinner on a lagoon, and their "island" starts sinking. Now if that isn't foreshadowing.... She tells him she could hang out with him all day, he gives her the "It's not you, it's me" speech. She cries. I drink more wine. Been there. Know the feeling. Sorry, Alli "I got junk in the trunk". She leaves and cries some more.
The baggage guy takes her luggage, and all the girls rejoice.
Brad goes back to his room to "brood" and Crazy Michelle shows up. I'll summarize at this point, as I am sick of her BS. She's glad Alli is gone, she's pissed Chantal is not, her braid is stupid, she's stupid, and Brad is stupid for not putting her on the first crazy train out of town.
Now, cocktail party time, only one of the girls is going home. Brad is stressed out, the girls are freaked out, and I'm drinking more wine. Hey, we all have our places in life.
Brad and Emily sit in a hammock decorated with Victoria Secret's pillows. They talk about her issues, and she's hot, so she'll be staying.
The rest of the girls wonder who gave Brad "grief". We all know it's Crazy Michelle. They all know it's Crazy Michelle. Brad is almost catching on and telling her she is scaring him. Too bad he picks her anyway. Sigh. Being hot gets you so much further than average. Trust me, I know.
Michelle - I don't know if I'm crazy...
Me and the rest of the world - YES.
Shawntal gets alone time with him, plays some version of the quiet game, I have never seen! (as I played with my sister, and surprisingly I won. And yes, I can tell you when, where and the details.)
Shawntal tells the rest of the chicks someone has been bugging the crap out of him and they figure out Michelle snuck off and talked to him, or one of the production assistants told them. Michelle realizes she's cold-busted and admits she saw him for 20 minutes when she snuck off. Michelle - But I don't run my mouth off about any of you.
Me - Uh, what about how you said Chantal wasn't right for him and all the others need to go home? Details, details, details.
Moving on, Chantal and her leopard dress tell Brad she has fallen in love with him. Oh, crap. There is not enough wine in the world for that.
Rose time. They go to: (oh, and Chantal already has one)
Remaining Ashley
Emily (no surprise there)
Brit (really?)
Shawntal (my 2nd favorite)
Crazy Michelle.....
Good bye to Jackie who had that long ago Pretty Woman date. Brad tells her she is wonderful, but see ya. She climbs into the SUV and avoids him helping her in. Not sure if that was intentional, but, hey, it's every little victory. She cries, he goes back to his harem. And now cheers, they are now on to Anguilla in the Caribbean.
Next week - more drama. YIPPEE! I have more wine. I'm ready.
Oh, and here is my soup recipe. Sautee white onions, green onions and mushrooms in olive oil. Heat up chicken broth. Mix togther, add grilled chicken, spanish rice, avocado and shredded cheese. Not the greatest, but not bad for low cal!
Now, on to our drama, I mean, our show. Vamanos! Costa Rica awaits. It has jungles, rain forests, monkeys, and BUGS. And of course, drama and a shirtless Brad. Thanks for the money shots. He is on the boring side personality wise, but as Pitbull says "Damn, I'm hot".
Brad arrives in a helicopter, while we have to see the remaining Ashley say Costa Rica in her best Spanish accent. I'm not impressed.
The girls arrive at the hotel in an SUV being driven by, I think Michelle. Clearly, it can't be her, as I would expect her to drive them over a cliff.
Anyway, the girls check out their awesome villa. I am a bit jealous. A few years ago, I was going to visit Costa Rica with the boyfriend I had at the time. We never went, and clearly that didn't work out for me. And moving on....
Yeah, yeah, the place is nice and there is a volcano. And rain forests, and monkeys, and Brad. Oh, and Alli, don't look now, bugs. And is it just me, or does Michelle always wear that purple tank top?
The girls have a villa in the jungle.
Remaining Ashley declares the hot tub, pool and villa "organic". Hmm, I would think hot springs, a stream and a tent would be more organic, but who am I to know, since I never went to Costa Rica. Sigh. Gulp of wine.
Ah, and here is the first date card. They let him leave and then they pounce. Chantal O. gets the first date. Michelle begins to sharpen the knife set she found in the villa, and Alli tries not to cry. The rest jump up and down like cheerleaders.
The crew apparently takes the knifes away from Michelle as she then tells us the wants Chantal to be attacked by monkeys or apes. I mostly wonder why Michelle got so carried away with her eyebrow pencil.
Chantal then gets ready and packs her sh*t. Just in case. Wow. That is a pink suitcase. Very pink.
The date starts with a helicopter ride. Brad worries about Chantal's drama. I worry about the fact he can't see Michelle is crazy. As well when to use "I" vs. "me".
Back at the Villamonalogues, (get it???) Michelle cries to Emily about Chantal. And they lose audio. However, I can guess what she says - She's not right for him, he belongs to me, and the bitch and her pink suitcase need to go home.
Audio is restored, and we are back on the date. They arrive in a rain forest to go zip-lining. And guess what? It rains. And I notice Brad and Chantal remind me of the Florida gators. Just because of the orange and blue. Sorry for the sports reference, but it is my job/life. Back to the show, and it's summary time:
It rains. They zip line. It rains. They zip line. They make out. It rains.
Back at the Villamonalogues, the group date card arrives. Everyone is in, but Alli. So that means she gets her one on one, Britt is the queen of group dates, and Michelle hates group dates. I think she has mentioned that.
Back to Brad and Chantal. Dinner time date, and big surprise. It starts raining in the rain forest. They grab the wine and move indoors. Oh, and they go to his room. Brad is a rebel tonight. He tells us he's taking this woman and the rose elsewhere. I would have grabbed the bottle of wine, but I bet the production assistant has made sure his room is fully stocked. Oh, and the date rose, someone handed him that.
Michelle is glad that the rain has ruined his date. We all laugh at that because in 30 seconds Chantal is only wearing his shirt. Ha ha, Crazy Michelle. Ha ha.
Chantal - I like seeing this date being on the fly.
Brad - Oh, this is on the fly all right.
Me - Snort.
Summary again - They make out, she gets a rose.
Next up, group date, and Michelle's a crazy bitch. Well, at least she's consistent. And she hates group dates, and it's raining, in a rain forest. And she's pissed that Chantal came home, and in Brad's shirt. And in case we forgot - Brad is her man, not Chantal's.
So the group date is rappelling down a waterfall. Ha ha, Michelle, Ha ha. Now I'm consistent. Mean, but consistent.
Jackie is afraid of heights, more on that in a minute. Mostly, Michelle is pissed because they made a pact they would never rappel down anything else with anyone else. Uh, Michelle, go back and read your pact, it was RAPPEL DOWN THE SIDE OF A BUILDING. This is a waterfall, thus, is excluded. (insert your own ha ha, Michelle, ha ha)
Shawntal goes first, then the others, and then Jackie freaks out about the heights, and Michelle complains. I guess she forgot about her "fear" of heights.
Now, all the girls are at the bottom, except for Crazy Michelle. She hits him, she's angry. I hope he throws her off the cliff, but he doesn't. He tells her they are going to rappel together. The rest are jealous and I wonder why he can't see Michelle is a crazy bitch.
The group date moves to the after party, and of course, involves booze and bikinis. I know Emily is hot, but her bikini is ugly, Michelle talks dirty to us, obviously after a few drinks.
And the drama begins. Jackie gets the first one on one, and he's proud of her for rappelling, and then she says I wish you had rappelled down the waterfalll with me instead of Loony Tunes.
Back at Villamonalogues, Alli gets her one one one date card and it says "Meet me at the
alter". Chantal begins meltdown status.
Group date flash - Michelle says everyone should go home, and Emily is sweet.
Back to V.M. - There is a really big bug. Well, medium size. Chantal starts to shoo it outside, but Alli is freaking out, so she tosses it on her. So Alli is afraid of bugs. So much she screams like a banshee and drops her drink. Lucky for Brad, he's talking to Michelle, and she puts her claws in him and keeps him there. She begins her crazy babble, and we all seriously wonder if Brad just likes deranged women. She complains, whines, bitches, and then kisses him to shut him up when he questions her. At this point I wonder why he doesn't send her ass home, and then we get a shot of her ass and I'm reminded why.
The group date drama continues, Brad gets pissed and doesn't give anyone a rose. Michelle thought it was hers, so now she is really pissed. Peace out, Brad out.
Alli get sher sh*t packed and heads out on her one on one date. Brad arrives on a horse. Alli gets a miniature one. Okay, either I drank too much wine, or this is a boring date. You pick - summary.
They crawl in a cave. She shrieks, there are bugs and bats. and an alter. They have dinner, and it is awkward. They are having dinner on a lagoon, and their "island" starts sinking. Now if that isn't foreshadowing.... She tells him she could hang out with him all day, he gives her the "It's not you, it's me" speech. She cries. I drink more wine. Been there. Know the feeling. Sorry, Alli "I got junk in the trunk". She leaves and cries some more.
The baggage guy takes her luggage, and all the girls rejoice.
Brad goes back to his room to "brood" and Crazy Michelle shows up. I'll summarize at this point, as I am sick of her BS. She's glad Alli is gone, she's pissed Chantal is not, her braid is stupid, she's stupid, and Brad is stupid for not putting her on the first crazy train out of town.
Now, cocktail party time, only one of the girls is going home. Brad is stressed out, the girls are freaked out, and I'm drinking more wine. Hey, we all have our places in life.
Brad and Emily sit in a hammock decorated with Victoria Secret's pillows. They talk about her issues, and she's hot, so she'll be staying.
The rest of the girls wonder who gave Brad "grief". We all know it's Crazy Michelle. They all know it's Crazy Michelle. Brad is almost catching on and telling her she is scaring him. Too bad he picks her anyway. Sigh. Being hot gets you so much further than average. Trust me, I know.
Michelle - I don't know if I'm crazy...
Me and the rest of the world - YES.
Shawntal gets alone time with him, plays some version of the quiet game, I have never seen! (as I played with my sister, and surprisingly I won. And yes, I can tell you when, where and the details.)
Shawntal tells the rest of the chicks someone has been bugging the crap out of him and they figure out Michelle snuck off and talked to him, or one of the production assistants told them. Michelle realizes she's cold-busted and admits she saw him for 20 minutes when she snuck off. Michelle - But I don't run my mouth off about any of you.
Me - Uh, what about how you said Chantal wasn't right for him and all the others need to go home? Details, details, details.
Moving on, Chantal and her leopard dress tell Brad she has fallen in love with him. Oh, crap. There is not enough wine in the world for that.
Rose time. They go to: (oh, and Chantal already has one)
Remaining Ashley
Emily (no surprise there)
Brit (really?)
Shawntal (my 2nd favorite)
Crazy Michelle.....
Good bye to Jackie who had that long ago Pretty Woman date. Brad tells her she is wonderful, but see ya. She climbs into the SUV and avoids him helping her in. Not sure if that was intentional, but, hey, it's every little victory. She cries, he goes back to his harem. And now cheers, they are now on to Anguilla in the Caribbean.
Next week - more drama. YIPPEE! I have more wine. I'm ready.
Oh, and here is my soup recipe. Sautee white onions, green onions and mushrooms in olive oil. Heat up chicken broth. Mix togther, add grilled chicken, spanish rice, avocado and shredded cheese. Not the greatest, but not bad for low cal!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
What happens in Vegas, ends up on a reality show...
So who is ready for the drama? I sure am. I have my baked white wine chicken stuffed with Italian turkey sausage, champignon cheese and a glass of chardonnay. Let's get this party started! Oh, and the show too.
We begin with Chris Harrison entering the girls dorm, I mean mansion to tell them, pack your bags, it's VEGAS, baby! Dentist Ashley is wearing a flashdance sweatshirt. He tells them there is a group date, one on one date, and two on one date. So pack your sh*t and move it. You've got an hour. There is a lot of woo-hoos, squeals, and craziness and I'm glad I have more wine. And what is with the ring that Michelle is wearing? Is that a miniature table top or a fake casino chip?
Brad greets them at the hotel, and awkwardly hugs everyone. Brad leads them to their suites, and drops off the date card and slips out before the claws come out.
Marissa: The second the card hits the table, it's very real.
Me: You are in a luxury suite in Vegas, for free. None of that is "real".
Anyway, Crazy Michelle reads the date card. The one on one date goes to Shawntal N. The clue is let's end this night with a bang. We all hope that means someone shoots Michelle, but I highly doubt it. Sigh. More wine, please.
Shawntal and Brad meet and do their "thing" - pick up and twirl for those who missed that episode. So their date starts in a fancy mall and she is going on a shopping spree. Every woman in the world is now pissed. Brad tries a jacket meant for Prince. Shawntal had some great stuff too, but I'm too busy being jealous of it all. She then tries on a drab gray dress, and thankfully she picked out the black dress. I would like one of those, but in a size 8 instead of a 2.
Shawntal returns to the suite, and shows off her new stuff. They are all jealous, and Michelle is ready to kill her. Get in line, all of us are.
Tenley Ashley: It's like the perfect Pretty Woman moment every women dreams about.
Me: You know she was a hooker, right?
Shoes, purses, clothes were passed around. Keep the scissors away from Michelle. Crazy Michelle pretends to hang herself. Here, let me get that for you. No? Crap. More wine then.
The rest of the girls console themselves with booze while Shawntal gets a dinner date on top of all the shopping. Drink up girls, it's going to be long night.
Oh, the old rooftop dining date. I guess it is better than a basement. Speaking of basements, Shawntal tells him her job. Which doesn't take place in a basement, but sounds like it should. She is actually a funeral director and embalmer. They actually have a discussion about it. Brad is a little surprised, but keeps asking stupid questions. Now we all know too much about dead people.
Oh, and she had a cross eyed cat named Peaches.
The top then pops off the champagne by itself. Maybe it was a ghost of someone she embalmed. She gets the rose. Fireworks go off, and real fireworks, not the fake ones that Michelle made with her hands. Back at the suite, the girls get another round of drinks. Here, I'll join you, more Chardonnay for me.
Time for date #2. The group date is Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Brit, and Michelle. Which leaves the 2 Ashley's for the 2 on 1 date. Both of them almost cry, well, then both of them cry. As they are BFF's in the house. Michelle then rejoices and contemplates if she should black her eye again.
The group date is a Nascar race and they get to drive. Uh, wasn't Emily fiancee a driver? Producers, you are cruel. Really, they couldn't tell Brad this BEFORE?
Crazy Michelle: I am fun and hot.
Me: Yep, keep working that hot, and maybe he won't notice that crazy hat you keep hidden when he's around.
The girls suit up and each get to drive their own car. Brad then notices that Emily is about to have a break down. He pulls her aside and she tells him the truth, and he feels like a jerk. Well, you are a jerk, but not for this one, this one is on the producers.
Emily decides to get in and drive. She misses Ricky. Oh, I can't make fun of this, it's just sad. Excuse me, I need a kleenex. I mean more wine. Yeah, that's it.
So that finally ends and it's an after party, and a private pool. He immediately pulls Emily aside again. The other 7 ladies try to maintain their composure, and Alli rips the crazy hat off of Michelle. She's pissed and she's tired of Emily's sob story. She needs attention too!
Emily and Brad talk, and I'm not sure there is any chemistry between the two of them. Emily, be the next Bachelorette. You can do better. He's worried he can't replace her previous love, and she says she's heard that story from many guys. Time to return to the group date.
Alli then cries to Brad. Then it's Chantal's turn.
Chantal: It makes me love you even more. WAIT. I mean like.
Me: Ooops.
Back at the suite, the Ashleys get ready for their 2 on 1 date. They both look like their dog has died. Tenley Ashley talks like a baby. Dentist Ashley is very sad.
Back on the group date, Michelle drags Brad off for her alone time. She tells him there are a lot of very immature girls here. But she isn't one of them. They make out. He has not seen that crazy yet at all.
The group date rose then goes to ....... Emily. Michelle is pissed and the other girls are just sad, and don't feel special.
Now time to pick up the Ashleys. I'm hoping he sends both of them home. Their date is a trip to Cirque du Soliel - Elvis themed. Oh, I love Elvis. And the surprise is they get to be part of the show. Well, at least whichever one he picks. They do their rehearsing. Is it going to be Dentist Ashley, or Tenlye Ashley?
Back at the suite, Chantal and Shawntal discuss the 2 Ashleys, and who is coming home. They want Dentist Ashley to come back because they don't think she's stable enough to make it to the end. Frankly, I don't either.
Now Brad has to pick which Ashley will stay. Time for the awkward dinner. Brad gives the speech about how amazing each woman is, and he sends Tenley Ashley home.
Brad: You will make someone a wonderful wife, just not for me.
Me: Crap, guys, get a new line. Even I've heard that one.
He then gives the rose to Dentist Ashley.
Tenley Ashley cries. I would cry too, but I don't care that much. Oh, look, my roomie brought me another glass of wine. I think he just wanted an excuse to get away from the show for a minute....
Now the date with Dentish Ashley continues. They have dinner, and then perform in the Elvis show.
Summary:
Tenley Ashley departs and cries.
Dentist Ashley kisses Brad and performs in the show.
Wash, rinse, repeat. Moving on now.
Brad chats with his therapist and "life coach" again. He tells him to keep at it, remember the big picture.. which is a mission to find your wife.
Time for the cocktail party. The last Ashley has a rose, and Emily and Shawntal. 2 will be going home.
Chantal pulls Brad aside and he was worried that she had too much drama. Really? She's the only one? She tells him she's over the group/Emily date.
Alli gets her alone time, and to make her feel special, he brings her champagne and a little cake. He remember that she wore green the first time he met her. Who could forget - that was the J.Lo/junk in the trunk dress. Hey, she's the one who said it first, not me.
Now Marissa has her turn and she wrote Brad a bunch of little notes. He says it's sweet, and I think she's going home.
Now Michelle brings the crazy, she drags him out of there, giving some weird sign to the girls. She shuts the door, and she tells him no talking. And he keeps saying okay. She gives him a speech about how the girls don't realize what is right in front of them. Uh, I'm sure they have pegged you as a crazy bitch. Anyway, she kisses him and then tells him "You should go send some girls home". Oh, and next time he can talk. How that doesn't make the crazy bells in his head go off, is beyond me!
Shawntal, Emily and Ashley have roses. Joining them are:
Crazy Michelle
Alli (JLo)
Brit
Jackie
Chantal
Going home are Marissa and Lisa. Marissa, nice try on the notes, probably too late. And Lisa, when you go home, step away from the tanning bed. Both of them cry as they leave. Hey, they only got taxis? What happened to the limos?
Next week - Upcoming scenes from Costa Rica and South Africa. Crazy Michelle, drama, bathing suites, kissing, drinking, and of course, tears.
And now for my recipe. Chicken Breast, cut slits in them. Pour white wine over them in a baking dish. Top the chicken with oregeno and Italian seasonings. Put in the oven at 400 for 20 minutes.
Pan fry Italian turkey sausage and mushrooms. Drain off grease add chunks of the Champignon cheese. warm. After the chicken has baked for 20 minutes, stuff the sausage cheese mixture into the cut chicken. Top with a few extra slices of the cheese. Bake 5 more minutes. When you take it out of the dish, be sure to pour the wine drippings on top of it. Enjoy! I sure did!
We begin with Chris Harrison entering the girls dorm, I mean mansion to tell them, pack your bags, it's VEGAS, baby! Dentist Ashley is wearing a flashdance sweatshirt. He tells them there is a group date, one on one date, and two on one date. So pack your sh*t and move it. You've got an hour. There is a lot of woo-hoos, squeals, and craziness and I'm glad I have more wine. And what is with the ring that Michelle is wearing? Is that a miniature table top or a fake casino chip?
Brad greets them at the hotel, and awkwardly hugs everyone. Brad leads them to their suites, and drops off the date card and slips out before the claws come out.
Marissa: The second the card hits the table, it's very real.
Me: You are in a luxury suite in Vegas, for free. None of that is "real".
Anyway, Crazy Michelle reads the date card. The one on one date goes to Shawntal N. The clue is let's end this night with a bang. We all hope that means someone shoots Michelle, but I highly doubt it. Sigh. More wine, please.
Shawntal and Brad meet and do their "thing" - pick up and twirl for those who missed that episode. So their date starts in a fancy mall and she is going on a shopping spree. Every woman in the world is now pissed. Brad tries a jacket meant for Prince. Shawntal had some great stuff too, but I'm too busy being jealous of it all. She then tries on a drab gray dress, and thankfully she picked out the black dress. I would like one of those, but in a size 8 instead of a 2.
Shawntal returns to the suite, and shows off her new stuff. They are all jealous, and Michelle is ready to kill her. Get in line, all of us are.
Tenley Ashley: It's like the perfect Pretty Woman moment every women dreams about.
Me: You know she was a hooker, right?
Shoes, purses, clothes were passed around. Keep the scissors away from Michelle. Crazy Michelle pretends to hang herself. Here, let me get that for you. No? Crap. More wine then.
The rest of the girls console themselves with booze while Shawntal gets a dinner date on top of all the shopping. Drink up girls, it's going to be long night.
Oh, the old rooftop dining date. I guess it is better than a basement. Speaking of basements, Shawntal tells him her job. Which doesn't take place in a basement, but sounds like it should. She is actually a funeral director and embalmer. They actually have a discussion about it. Brad is a little surprised, but keeps asking stupid questions. Now we all know too much about dead people.
Oh, and she had a cross eyed cat named Peaches.
The top then pops off the champagne by itself. Maybe it was a ghost of someone she embalmed. She gets the rose. Fireworks go off, and real fireworks, not the fake ones that Michelle made with her hands. Back at the suite, the girls get another round of drinks. Here, I'll join you, more Chardonnay for me.
Time for date #2. The group date is Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Brit, and Michelle. Which leaves the 2 Ashley's for the 2 on 1 date. Both of them almost cry, well, then both of them cry. As they are BFF's in the house. Michelle then rejoices and contemplates if she should black her eye again.
The group date is a Nascar race and they get to drive. Uh, wasn't Emily fiancee a driver? Producers, you are cruel. Really, they couldn't tell Brad this BEFORE?
Crazy Michelle: I am fun and hot.
Me: Yep, keep working that hot, and maybe he won't notice that crazy hat you keep hidden when he's around.
The girls suit up and each get to drive their own car. Brad then notices that Emily is about to have a break down. He pulls her aside and she tells him the truth, and he feels like a jerk. Well, you are a jerk, but not for this one, this one is on the producers.
Emily decides to get in and drive. She misses Ricky. Oh, I can't make fun of this, it's just sad. Excuse me, I need a kleenex. I mean more wine. Yeah, that's it.
So that finally ends and it's an after party, and a private pool. He immediately pulls Emily aside again. The other 7 ladies try to maintain their composure, and Alli rips the crazy hat off of Michelle. She's pissed and she's tired of Emily's sob story. She needs attention too!
Emily and Brad talk, and I'm not sure there is any chemistry between the two of them. Emily, be the next Bachelorette. You can do better. He's worried he can't replace her previous love, and she says she's heard that story from many guys. Time to return to the group date.
Alli then cries to Brad. Then it's Chantal's turn.
Chantal: It makes me love you even more. WAIT. I mean like.
Me: Ooops.
Back at the suite, the Ashleys get ready for their 2 on 1 date. They both look like their dog has died. Tenley Ashley talks like a baby. Dentist Ashley is very sad.
Back on the group date, Michelle drags Brad off for her alone time. She tells him there are a lot of very immature girls here. But she isn't one of them. They make out. He has not seen that crazy yet at all.
The group date rose then goes to ....... Emily. Michelle is pissed and the other girls are just sad, and don't feel special.
Now time to pick up the Ashleys. I'm hoping he sends both of them home. Their date is a trip to Cirque du Soliel - Elvis themed. Oh, I love Elvis. And the surprise is they get to be part of the show. Well, at least whichever one he picks. They do their rehearsing. Is it going to be Dentist Ashley, or Tenlye Ashley?
Back at the suite, Chantal and Shawntal discuss the 2 Ashleys, and who is coming home. They want Dentist Ashley to come back because they don't think she's stable enough to make it to the end. Frankly, I don't either.
Now Brad has to pick which Ashley will stay. Time for the awkward dinner. Brad gives the speech about how amazing each woman is, and he sends Tenley Ashley home.
Brad: You will make someone a wonderful wife, just not for me.
Me: Crap, guys, get a new line. Even I've heard that one.
He then gives the rose to Dentist Ashley.
Tenley Ashley cries. I would cry too, but I don't care that much. Oh, look, my roomie brought me another glass of wine. I think he just wanted an excuse to get away from the show for a minute....
Now the date with Dentish Ashley continues. They have dinner, and then perform in the Elvis show.
Summary:
Tenley Ashley departs and cries.
Dentist Ashley kisses Brad and performs in the show.
Wash, rinse, repeat. Moving on now.
Brad chats with his therapist and "life coach" again. He tells him to keep at it, remember the big picture.. which is a mission to find your wife.
Time for the cocktail party. The last Ashley has a rose, and Emily and Shawntal. 2 will be going home.
Chantal pulls Brad aside and he was worried that she had too much drama. Really? She's the only one? She tells him she's over the group/Emily date.
Alli gets her alone time, and to make her feel special, he brings her champagne and a little cake. He remember that she wore green the first time he met her. Who could forget - that was the J.Lo/junk in the trunk dress. Hey, she's the one who said it first, not me.
Now Marissa has her turn and she wrote Brad a bunch of little notes. He says it's sweet, and I think she's going home.
Now Michelle brings the crazy, she drags him out of there, giving some weird sign to the girls. She shuts the door, and she tells him no talking. And he keeps saying okay. She gives him a speech about how the girls don't realize what is right in front of them. Uh, I'm sure they have pegged you as a crazy bitch. Anyway, she kisses him and then tells him "You should go send some girls home". Oh, and next time he can talk. How that doesn't make the crazy bells in his head go off, is beyond me!
Shawntal, Emily and Ashley have roses. Joining them are:
Crazy Michelle
Alli (JLo)
Brit
Jackie
Chantal
Going home are Marissa and Lisa. Marissa, nice try on the notes, probably too late. And Lisa, when you go home, step away from the tanning bed. Both of them cry as they leave. Hey, they only got taxis? What happened to the limos?
Next week - Upcoming scenes from Costa Rica and South Africa. Crazy Michelle, drama, bathing suites, kissing, drinking, and of course, tears.
And now for my recipe. Chicken Breast, cut slits in them. Pour white wine over them in a baking dish. Top the chicken with oregeno and Italian seasonings. Put in the oven at 400 for 20 minutes.
Pan fry Italian turkey sausage and mushrooms. Drain off grease add chunks of the Champignon cheese. warm. After the chicken has baked for 20 minutes, stuff the sausage cheese mixture into the cut chicken. Top with a few extra slices of the cheese. Bake 5 more minutes. When you take it out of the dish, be sure to pour the wine drippings on top of it. Enjoy! I sure did!
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