So last night's show was a little uninspiring, the most for "fireworks" we saw was John N. telling the Weatherman he "bitched up". Best part was Kasey singing. I know, I know, he can't sing, but it was actually funny.
First, let's talk wine and cheese. Yes, I actually made a cream cheese recipe. First one, soften the cream cheese, add dill weed, use pepperidge farm simply pretzels. Easy dip, and it's AWESOME. And yes, I have another recipe, it will be at the end.
The wine - Mr. Wine guy at HEB recommended Tentino Pinot Grigio from Italy, or Marlborough Sauvingon Blanc from California. The Pinot had a lemony taste to it. I totally loved it. The Sauvingon Blanc was smoother and dryer, and was good as well. Mr. Wine Guy at HEB has not steered me wrong yet!
Now, back to the show.
Which guys are going to be there?? Will Rated R show, what about Frank, will douchebag Craig be there to be mean to the Weatherman? Will Jesse then kick Douchebag Craig's ass? We all know Craig R. will be there, because, well, we just know.
So, no Rated R, no Frank, and no Douchebag Craig??? I'm sad, angry and just plain mad. I mean, DB Craig gives me so much material. Sigh. I guess I'll have to wait until the Bachelor Pad.
Now, I'm no genius, especially at love, but single guys, you really need to start trying to get in the audience at the show. 3 words. Target Rich Environment. I also have to wonder if they let the "rejected Bachelors" mingle with the audience after the show. Dude, major score. Because you know every chick has on her cutest cocktail dress, best push up bra and spanx, JUST IN CASE. They are hoping to catch one of the guy's eyes, or better yet, a producer who would cast them in one of the upcoming seasons. Hey, not that there's anything wrong with it, 'cause it would definitely be my plan! I can admit it.
Anyway, as we have established, the room is teeming with estrogen, and that's BEFORE the Weatherman arrives. He left his White Members Only jacket at home, however, and opted for a tough guy, black leather jacket. Wait, is he wearing a baby blue tee under that. Sigh.
We get a recap of her "journey" with Roberto and then Cape Cod Chris. Then on to the disaster that was Frank and Justin. Let the bashing and recap begin....
We see Justin's departure through the Garden of Deception, and Ali chasing him down with the "oh, no u did-'nt" look on her face. And we see how SHE TOLD HIM.
Now a montage of "guard and protect her heart". Oh Kasey, please don't sing again. EVER. But he does later, and well, I'll have to admit, that was funny. More on that later.
All the guys think Kasey has an express ticket on the crazy train, however, they love that little goofball, anyway. Bless his heart.
We also see Ali looking at Kirk's scrapbook the first night where she says "Is that your mom, oh, she's so pretty". Okay, I remember the home town visits. Well, at least we know Ali can be polite, 'cause pretty is NOT the adjective I would use to describe Kirk's mom.
Now the video of Frank's love 'em and leave 'em and he makes Ali throw down that pretty flower in her hair, and then plunk down on her ass in the sand. Don't worry, I'm sure Chris Harrison brought over a couple of cute cocktails with umbrellas and let her get drunk and cry it out. That's what any good friend, I mean host would do.
Then there is unseen footage - Roberto's only un-smooth move. He opens the champagne and Ali almost becomes "one-eyed Willy" from the Goonies. (now I can't really remember if there was a character named one-eyed Willy from the Goonies, but work with me here.)
We see Frank's dad giving some non-sensical, rambling toast, and suddenly, Frank makes a little more sense.
Then Ali as a space cadet. I mean, her wearing the space helmet on her date with Kasey in the museum. She giggles, as she doesn't remember THIS at all. I should make fun of her here, but that would be like, well, hello pot, this is kettle. If you know me, you know what I mean. And if you don't, well, some of us to like to party. There.
We find out that peacocks are really loud. (And I don't mean the weatherman)
As well, as Chris N. is apparently "The Phantom".
Among the guys who are here, why is Mountain Man here? He didn't even make it out of the first round. One can only assume Kirk's dad is in the audience and they will be exchanging dead, stuffed animals. I wonder if he'll get that squirrel.
So the guys are, Jesse, Hunter, Kyle, Tyler V., Craig R. (told you he'd be there, I bet I end up wishing he would shut up), John C., Derrick (Shooter), Jason, Steve, Chris N., Kirk, Weatherman, Kasey the Crazy train, and Big Ears (Ty)
Chris N. is known as the Phantom. And he said more than 10 words, and was actually funny with his "The Phantom" t-shirt, a la "Rated-R". Where was THAT guy all season?
Summary time - Jesse would have (and could have) kicked DB Craig's ass. The weatherman would have, but could NOT have done so. Kasey, as we have noted, is a nut bag. And they all hated Justin. We know. We saw you try to "vote" him out. Too bad it's not Survivor where they HAVE to leave the island.
Time for the Frankespeare tragedy. It started out so lovely. They rode in a convertible, it broke down. No worries, they'll catch a cab, go get drunk while the interns get the car fixed, they make out in front of the Hollywood sign. Turkey, a carpet salesman, a carpet, Lisbon, more making out, more drinking, home town visit where he wears her tank top, and BAM. Frank does his 180, begs his ex, Nicole to take him back. He's been on a trip around the world with this other fabulous girl, but he can't stop thinking about HER. He then goes to break Ali's heart, but left his Clark Kent glasses at home. Maybe he figured Ali was going to punch him, and he didn't want those to get broken.
Craig R. speaks up first and I am all ready wishing he'd shut up. He says Frank and Justin are NOT the same. Justin is evil, Frank is just a screw up. BLAH, BLAH. Shut up, Craig!
Kasey says Frank took too long in taking himself out. Ty and Hunter try to take up for him too. We find out Frank will be there next week for "After the Final Rose". THAT should be interesting.
And now, time for the crazy train to pull into the station and stop in the hot seat.
Chris Harrison reminds him how he was left standing alone on a glacier. We see the craziness that was Kasey. Guard and protect, Ali is "imaginary", jump in and stay awhile, that ridiculous singing, and THAT STUPID TATTOO. We also see a couple of the guys laughing at him. Kasey takes mental notes and plots his revenge.
Kasey tries to say he hasn't always been like this, and he was just trying to be open. So, he once was normal? I'm not sure I'm buying that, you don't turn into a complete cheeseball overnight.
Chris Harrison - "Do you think you being such a whack - job scared her"
Kasey - "Hey, there has to be some girls out there who would like this stuff..."
Me - "Crazy Michelle comes to mind"
Chris Harrison points out he CAN'T sing, but Kasey was trying to be "fun". No, that's not fun, that's embarrassing.
On to the tattoo, it's his first one. It now represents him. And he says guard and protect another dozen times. Yeah, he's insane. That sums it up.
Now it's Kirk's turn in the hot seat. Chris Harrison reminds him he got sent home for Frank. We see his "journey". Including the mold sickness, and Ali finally dumping him. In that weird pepto-bismal colored rose-busted dress.
Chris Harrison says all the things he needed to say to make Kirk feel better. Is he a great relationship counselor or what!
We see a shot of the chicks in the audience, ready to pounce. Good plan.
Since Justin wouldn't come, we have to settle for the video. All the guys talk about how they hate him, then we see the "phone call" from Jessie and Canadian Snookie, I mean Jessica. Repeat of the Garden of Deception, with all the voice mails he left Jessica. Oops. Remember, hell hath no fury...... The do all the "I KNEW IT LINE". And Craig R. calls him EVIL, and blabs on as usual. Ty tells us how he lied to all of them. Craig R. takes the floor AGAIN and says no one is that loser's friend! And again, I want Craig R. to shut up.
Now here comes Jessie, the girl who busted this story wide open! Straight from Canada, and wearing a big beaded necklace. She reminds us how she and Ali became friends, it was the RV trip! Ah, camping, in a house that travels. My kind of camping. We get the whole Justin story. Jessica is the "main" girlfriend, and then Kimberly is his "on the side" squeeze. And that's why Jessica ratted him out. I have no doubt the girl would have kept her mouth shut if she hadn't found out about Kimberly. The story gets more bizarre and Justin had told Jessica she couldn't have a facebook page! Jessica decides to go against his wishes, sees HIS facebook page with postings from Kimberly and the bust is on. Furthermore, Kimberly lived 5 minutes from Jessica. Within walking distance, cause that boy didn't even own a car!
Chris Harrison - "So how did this work, for you to tell Ali"
Jessie - "Well, I wasn't going to sit on this, or miss my chance and another 15 minutes of fame, not to mention coming here, all these single guys, me in a hot dress...."
Questions from the audience - they hate Justin too.
Now some girl asks Craig R. to resolve his issues with Justin in an olive oil wrestling match. She obviously has the hots for him. We obviously wonder if she's insane.
Now, here comes Ali, in some weird sequined dress. And once again Ali has not brushed her hair. Well, to be fair, she did just have a good roll in the hay with Roberto and then Cape Cod Chris.
Chris Harrison interviews her. I'm still distracted by that rat's nest called her hair. She talks about Justin and how she kicked his ass for her, the girlfriend in Canada, and all the women in the world! GIRL POWER. On to Frank, she did not expect that. Ali's stupid laugh, Kirk is sweet and nice, and he says he's ready to find someone now. Back to the audience, still in pounce mode. Again, good plan.
Kasey sings again. However, this time it's funny. "You left me on a glacier and you choose that dumb ass Rated-R". Boy still can't carry a tune, and seems crazy as all get out.
Now, fun video time. Dancing, she wants to do it with Roberto (who doesn't), barking dogs, Ty barking back, Ali talking. EEEKKK it's a mouse, Craig R speaking Spanish to Roberto. Weatherman speaks Spanish too! Chris Harrison with a plastic glass, guy antics.
Now it's time to look back at the journey of Ali and Roberto, and the journey of Ali and Chris WHO WILL SHE PICK? We are reminded that Roberto IS Rico Sauve, and Chris is a great guy with a great family. Oh, and a sneak peak of the Bachelor Pad.
Then we have a green screen on air, as someone who works in TV, well, that's NOT good. They get it fixed, and trust me, someone is going to be in big trouble.
Video for the Bachelor Pad, crying, drama, hot bodies, booze, making out, trust, more making out, more crying, more drama, villains, rumors, puking, limos, fights. You get the point.
Chris Harrison thanks the studio audience, they hope he gets out of the way so they can rush the stage.
Now, for the 2nd cream cheese recipe. Half a cucumber, hollow it out. Soften the cream cheese, add the cucumber pieces, red onion, boiled shrimp, rotel, dill weed, oregano and basil. Spread into the cucumber and chill. You're welcome.
See y'all next week! What do you think? Comments are welcome, who do you think she will pick?
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
The Rules and Cheese and wine preview
Hello again, Bachelorette fans! Tonight it's the men tell all.
Drink for "bleep". You know, when someone calls THE CRAIG a name they can't say on tv.
Drink when someone says "Weatherman"
Drink if Frank cries. Now, I'm not even sure if he'll be there, but just in case.
Tonight's cheese - Cream Cheese. Now, before you say, WTF, just cream cheese? Don't worry, I have a couple of kick ass recipes (which will be featured at my annual Christmas party). And as usual, the recipes will be on tomorrow's blog.
Featured wines, another sauvingon blanc and a pinot grigio.
Chat w/my usual peeps tonight on Facebook!
Drink for "bleep". You know, when someone calls THE CRAIG a name they can't say on tv.
Drink when someone says "Weatherman"
Drink if Frank cries. Now, I'm not even sure if he'll be there, but just in case.
Tonight's cheese - Cream Cheese. Now, before you say, WTF, just cream cheese? Don't worry, I have a couple of kick ass recipes (which will be featured at my annual Christmas party). And as usual, the recipes will be on tomorrow's blog.
Featured wines, another sauvingon blanc and a pinot grigio.
Chat w/my usual peeps tonight on Facebook!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Frank drops a bomb
First up - the Cheese. Mobay is really strong. I tried putting it with grilled chicken. WAAAAY to strong for chicken. However, is good for a cheese plate, especially paired against a milder cheese, like Leerdamer.
The wine - Pinot Blanc. Dry white wine. If you don't like fruity or sweet wine, this one is for you. I bet THE CRAIG would drink it, but not the weatherman. There, that should explain it.
Now, on to The Bachelorette. The opening previews Chris and Roberto falling in love with Ali. Frank, waxing poetic and talking about "what the heart wants" like Woody Allen. Except not in that creepy adopted child sort of way.
First preview, Cape Code Chris. He wasn't ready for love, but you bet your ass he is now! He is so connected to her! He was one of 25, and told her she was "wicked awesome", gave her bracelet, she met his family, rolled in the grass with him. and he is ready to open up more, but he is stressed. What if she picks another guy??? Hello, that's the process here.....
Now, Dinero time. I mean, Roberto. Montage of them making out. And her again holding the bat. PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER. Okay, back on track. Roberto is feeling it. Not sure why... I think he can do bettter. But no one ever asks me!
Last, preview is Frank. He starts with their "connection" that very few people have. It's everything he wants, EXCEPT, guess f'n what. He's still in love with an ex-girlfriend. And falling in love with Ali, makes him realize that he might be in love with the ex, Nicole. Wow, now how the hell do you tell that to the ex? Hey, I want you back, because I WAS falling in love with someone else, so it made me love you more? I mean, maybe this girl doesn't have such an annoying laugh..... or doesn't wear yellow all the time. Oops. Frank continues his Woody Allen justification and blabs on and on. Personally, I wonder if I can teach my dogs how to refill my wine glass.
Then Frank is in Chicago. Goes to find the ex-girlfriend, Nicole, just in case he's still in love with her. Hmm, Who called ahead and told her they were coming? Because, one, that was a really clean apartment, two, she didn't seem that surprised to see him. And oh, no she didn't, she's wearing Ali's signature color. And what is her necklace made of?
So Frank tells her how awesome Ali is. Hey, Frank, telling your ex-girlfriend how great the new girlfriend isn't the best route. He blathers on about his feelings. She sits there and I wonder if she is mute. Nope.
Nicole - I am not complete without you.
Me - Sigh, she's as stupid as he is.
They stare at each other, and the music starts. Personally, I was expecting the Bruce Springsteen song from Jerry Maguire. Because obviously they complete each other. Excuse me while I go barf.
Frank then tells the camera he now KNOWS that Nicole is the woman he wants to be with for the rest of his life. How long until he goes from knowing to "possibly". I say 45 minutes, plus or minus commercials. They snuggle and kiss.
Nicole - I missed your kisses.
Me - Barf.
And they stay in this weird hug position, weird because she has her legs up in a way that makes her look like a yellow easter egg.
Frank - I think I'm gonna live with her happily ever after. Hmmm, a bit of wavering all ready.
He then says he has to go find Ali. Oh, don't worry, the camera crew will lead you directly to her.
Frank - I can't even begin to imagine how that conversation is going to go.
Me - Oh, I can give you a hint. Let's just say I bet there are a lot of bleeps.
On to Ali in Tahiti. She has 3 amazing guys with such great qualities. Check, that, 2.
Cheesy hair flip in the water. Which intern had that idea?
First, Roberto. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. That's me rolling my R's in case you didn't catch that. He tells the camera thaat he's ready to propose. Ali shows up, flower number 1 in her hair. They are both happy. Yeah, he's hot.
They take off and board another helicopter. At least this time we don't have to listen to Ali's fake, I'm scared of flying BS. I think she's realized that one is waaaaay over.
They get flown to their own private island. He feels good about proposing. Ali talks to the camera and I'm left wondering if she had a boob job, or those gel inserts from Victoria's Secret.
Aw, how sweet, the island is in the shape of a heart.
They have a great time rolling in the water and sand. Roberto tells us Ali is perfect. Personally, I find her annoying. Especially when she screeches "this is so cool".
Now for the dinner portion of the date. And she's in the dress I mentioned earlier, I hope the gel inserts stay in place.
All of a sudden, Roberto is worried about putting his feelings out there. Come on, dude! You are dinero.
Roberto - Was today your favorite date so far?
Ali - It was a freaking heart!
Me - Sigh, how about, hell yeah, it was great, we got to make out on this beautiful island.
Roberto takes a long time in explaining his feelings, but finally ends it with he is falling in love with her. They make out. Hey, get a room! Oh, problem solved.
Ali tells him she has something, he looks surprised. Uh, did you forget about this part of the show. Shock, this is from Chris Harrison. Roberto reads it, blah blah, please use this key for the fantasy suite.
They agree, it's a good idea. Si, muy bueno. They have to walk through the water to get to the fantasy suite. I bet that water is a lot cleaner than the water back in Turkey.
The suite is beautiful, she takes off his shirt, and the curtains close.
Now it's Chris's turn. She has on really big sunglasses. She's missed Chris. He has missed her. Their date will be on a luxurious catamaran. You know, after all these great places, going back to their regular life is really gonna suck.
They discuss his family back in Massachusetts. Ali talked about the magical powers of the bracelet. Chris reminds us how he hasn't dated much in awhile, and he's working on opening up with her. He could end up proposing. Hey, Ali, remember, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.
They make out on the boat, then have to jump in to swim to an island. Wow. That water is beautiful. They giggle, swim, make out, swim, giggle. She does the Jillian wrap her legs around him and he carries her to the shore.
They find clams, and yes, there are pearls! Planted or not? You decide. And surprise. Ali declares it is "Amaaaaazing".
Dinner time, and Chris says, surprise, "Awesome". At least 5 or 6 times. They have dinner cooked in banana leaves. Intersting. They discuss relationships, life and love. They make out. Now, it's fantasy suite time again. Chris feigns shock over the fantasy suite. Fantasy suite #54 Chris declares. He is REALLY happy. And he LOVES this girl. Wow. That is one hell of a fantasy suite. Ali says she'd even move back to Massachusetts for him. He says he doesn't care where they live. He told her he loves her. Wow. I did NOT see that coming. Didn't think he'd actually say that to her now. They go inside, and the curtains close again.
Now, time for the date that is not going to be much of a date. Frank tells us how he's here to tell her that he's in love with his ex-girlfriend Nicole. This isn't what he expected to happen. Yeah, buddy, neither did she. First, he needs to talk to Dad. I mean, Chris Harrison. Frank asks for advice on how to tell Ali he's dumping her. Chris says he was blown away, and he's done a 180! Frank says he has been overthinking things. No kidding. And after falling in love with Ali, he realized all this time, he really wanted Nicole. Oh, that's not going to go over well.
Chris - How do you think she's gonna take this?
Frank - I don't know.
Me - Uh, she's gonna be pissed.
Frank says he feels Nicole is who he is going to spend the rest of his life with, and he HOPES he's right. Besides, Ali is currently "homeless" and Nicole has this cool apartment in Chicago!
Chris tells him he has an hour to get his sh*t together to break the news to Ali. Chris wanders off to find a box of tissues he knows he's going to need later. Does anyone else want to smack Frank about now, or is that just me?
Ali heads to Frank's, in an off the shoulder shirt. Look, even Jenniferl Beals has had enough of the flashdance look. Anyways, she tells us that Frank makes her happy. Uh, not today. She's excited about taking him sailing. Cancel that. She hugs Frank and is oblivious. He drops the "we need to talk" bomb, and Ali quickly realizes that something wicked this way comes. I'm back to wanting to smack Frank. He's nervous. Probably because he knows she's gonna be pissed! He starts with the awesome connection, he was falling for her, BUT .......... he was being held back because of the unresolved feelings for an ex-girlfriend. Bomb dropped. He claims he went to see Nicole to get closure. But the second he saw her, he knew what he had to do. He tells her she is perfect in everyway, but the "click" with Nicole beats all that. The flower in Ali's hair begins to wilt. She throws it down. She should have thrown it at Frank. She chews him out because she did all this reassuring and never ONCE mentioned he could dump her for someone else. She handled this way better than I would have. I still want to smack him. He babbles some more. She calls him selfish, and reminds him how she gave up everything to be here. He says he did too, and she says "apparently not everything". OOOOH. Burn. A couple of bleeps and she tosses down her flip flops. She tells him to leave so she can deal with this. Bring in Chris Harrison. They hug good bye. This would be a great time to knee him in the crotch. But she wanders down the beach and finds Chris Harrison, and they have matching blue shirts.
Frank tells us how bad he feels. But he knows he loves Nicole.
Ali cries to Harrison. She has given up her whole freaking life.... She's really, really mad at Frank.
Frank feels horrible. And he takes his back pack and goes home, and hopes one day Ali will forgive him. I hope his glasses are in there, because apparently he has lost those.
Ali cries some more to Chris Harrison and she wonders why this happens to her. He sends her back to her room. He's gonna have room service bring some comfort food and a big fat bottle of wine.
Ali continues to bash Frank. (he deserved it) and she cries some more. Damn, I feel really bad for her. But hey, you have Plan B & C. My Plan B is a bottle of wine and snuggle time on the couch with my dog Boomer. Which is what I'm doing right now. Ah, I love my Plan B.
Back to Tahiti. Ali is wearing a purple tent. She talks about Frank's blindside. She needs to make sure Roberto and Chris want to be here and will COMMIT. Not be committed to someone else. She talks it out with Chris Harrison and says the pity party is over, Frank was the wrong guy for her, she wouldn't take him back, even if he came back and said he was sorry! Take that! She has high hopes that either Chris or Roberto could be her future husband. Harrison agrees, and hopes like hell that it works out, especially after that disaster that was Jake and Vienna.
She hopes both guys accept their roses. Look, they both said they were falling in love with you despite that stupid laugh of yours. I like your chances.
Chris and Roberto are brought in and wonder where the hell Frank is. Harrison says, yep, it's true. No Frank, but Ali will tell you why. They really wonder why she's wearing a purple and white tent. She tells them that he has things at home he didn't deal with, and now has gone home to deal with it. She says Frank wasn't the guy for her, but you two, both have the qualities of someone she wants to be with them. So if you take this rose, you better freaking mean it when you accept it! Chris gets the first rose. Roberto gets the 2nd one. They giggle, and for some reason, doesn't seem awkward. But it is. She tells the guys they are going to Bora Bora, where her family is going to be and they will meet family. Cheers.
Next week - the men tell all. Douchebag Craig, Crazy Train Kasey, the weatherman, and Rated-R. Hmmm, no mention of Frank.....
Until next week!
The wine - Pinot Blanc. Dry white wine. If you don't like fruity or sweet wine, this one is for you. I bet THE CRAIG would drink it, but not the weatherman. There, that should explain it.
Now, on to The Bachelorette. The opening previews Chris and Roberto falling in love with Ali. Frank, waxing poetic and talking about "what the heart wants" like Woody Allen. Except not in that creepy adopted child sort of way.
First preview, Cape Code Chris. He wasn't ready for love, but you bet your ass he is now! He is so connected to her! He was one of 25, and told her she was "wicked awesome", gave her bracelet, she met his family, rolled in the grass with him. and he is ready to open up more, but he is stressed. What if she picks another guy??? Hello, that's the process here.....
Now, Dinero time. I mean, Roberto. Montage of them making out. And her again holding the bat. PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER. Okay, back on track. Roberto is feeling it. Not sure why... I think he can do bettter. But no one ever asks me!
Last, preview is Frank. He starts with their "connection" that very few people have. It's everything he wants, EXCEPT, guess f'n what. He's still in love with an ex-girlfriend. And falling in love with Ali, makes him realize that he might be in love with the ex, Nicole. Wow, now how the hell do you tell that to the ex? Hey, I want you back, because I WAS falling in love with someone else, so it made me love you more? I mean, maybe this girl doesn't have such an annoying laugh..... or doesn't wear yellow all the time. Oops. Frank continues his Woody Allen justification and blabs on and on. Personally, I wonder if I can teach my dogs how to refill my wine glass.
Then Frank is in Chicago. Goes to find the ex-girlfriend, Nicole, just in case he's still in love with her. Hmm, Who called ahead and told her they were coming? Because, one, that was a really clean apartment, two, she didn't seem that surprised to see him. And oh, no she didn't, she's wearing Ali's signature color. And what is her necklace made of?
So Frank tells her how awesome Ali is. Hey, Frank, telling your ex-girlfriend how great the new girlfriend isn't the best route. He blathers on about his feelings. She sits there and I wonder if she is mute. Nope.
Nicole - I am not complete without you.
Me - Sigh, she's as stupid as he is.
They stare at each other, and the music starts. Personally, I was expecting the Bruce Springsteen song from Jerry Maguire. Because obviously they complete each other. Excuse me while I go barf.
Frank then tells the camera he now KNOWS that Nicole is the woman he wants to be with for the rest of his life. How long until he goes from knowing to "possibly". I say 45 minutes, plus or minus commercials. They snuggle and kiss.
Nicole - I missed your kisses.
Me - Barf.
And they stay in this weird hug position, weird because she has her legs up in a way that makes her look like a yellow easter egg.
Frank - I think I'm gonna live with her happily ever after. Hmmm, a bit of wavering all ready.
He then says he has to go find Ali. Oh, don't worry, the camera crew will lead you directly to her.
Frank - I can't even begin to imagine how that conversation is going to go.
Me - Oh, I can give you a hint. Let's just say I bet there are a lot of bleeps.
On to Ali in Tahiti. She has 3 amazing guys with such great qualities. Check, that, 2.
Cheesy hair flip in the water. Which intern had that idea?
First, Roberto. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. That's me rolling my R's in case you didn't catch that. He tells the camera thaat he's ready to propose. Ali shows up, flower number 1 in her hair. They are both happy. Yeah, he's hot.
They take off and board another helicopter. At least this time we don't have to listen to Ali's fake, I'm scared of flying BS. I think she's realized that one is waaaaay over.
They get flown to their own private island. He feels good about proposing. Ali talks to the camera and I'm left wondering if she had a boob job, or those gel inserts from Victoria's Secret.
Aw, how sweet, the island is in the shape of a heart.
They have a great time rolling in the water and sand. Roberto tells us Ali is perfect. Personally, I find her annoying. Especially when she screeches "this is so cool".
Now for the dinner portion of the date. And she's in the dress I mentioned earlier, I hope the gel inserts stay in place.
All of a sudden, Roberto is worried about putting his feelings out there. Come on, dude! You are dinero.
Roberto - Was today your favorite date so far?
Ali - It was a freaking heart!
Me - Sigh, how about, hell yeah, it was great, we got to make out on this beautiful island.
Roberto takes a long time in explaining his feelings, but finally ends it with he is falling in love with her. They make out. Hey, get a room! Oh, problem solved.
Ali tells him she has something, he looks surprised. Uh, did you forget about this part of the show. Shock, this is from Chris Harrison. Roberto reads it, blah blah, please use this key for the fantasy suite.
They agree, it's a good idea. Si, muy bueno. They have to walk through the water to get to the fantasy suite. I bet that water is a lot cleaner than the water back in Turkey.
The suite is beautiful, she takes off his shirt, and the curtains close.
Now it's Chris's turn. She has on really big sunglasses. She's missed Chris. He has missed her. Their date will be on a luxurious catamaran. You know, after all these great places, going back to their regular life is really gonna suck.
They discuss his family back in Massachusetts. Ali talked about the magical powers of the bracelet. Chris reminds us how he hasn't dated much in awhile, and he's working on opening up with her. He could end up proposing. Hey, Ali, remember, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.
They make out on the boat, then have to jump in to swim to an island. Wow. That water is beautiful. They giggle, swim, make out, swim, giggle. She does the Jillian wrap her legs around him and he carries her to the shore.
They find clams, and yes, there are pearls! Planted or not? You decide. And surprise. Ali declares it is "Amaaaaazing".
Dinner time, and Chris says, surprise, "Awesome". At least 5 or 6 times. They have dinner cooked in banana leaves. Intersting. They discuss relationships, life and love. They make out. Now, it's fantasy suite time again. Chris feigns shock over the fantasy suite. Fantasy suite #54 Chris declares. He is REALLY happy. And he LOVES this girl. Wow. That is one hell of a fantasy suite. Ali says she'd even move back to Massachusetts for him. He says he doesn't care where they live. He told her he loves her. Wow. I did NOT see that coming. Didn't think he'd actually say that to her now. They go inside, and the curtains close again.
Now, time for the date that is not going to be much of a date. Frank tells us how he's here to tell her that he's in love with his ex-girlfriend Nicole. This isn't what he expected to happen. Yeah, buddy, neither did she. First, he needs to talk to Dad. I mean, Chris Harrison. Frank asks for advice on how to tell Ali he's dumping her. Chris says he was blown away, and he's done a 180! Frank says he has been overthinking things. No kidding. And after falling in love with Ali, he realized all this time, he really wanted Nicole. Oh, that's not going to go over well.
Chris - How do you think she's gonna take this?
Frank - I don't know.
Me - Uh, she's gonna be pissed.
Frank says he feels Nicole is who he is going to spend the rest of his life with, and he HOPES he's right. Besides, Ali is currently "homeless" and Nicole has this cool apartment in Chicago!
Chris tells him he has an hour to get his sh*t together to break the news to Ali. Chris wanders off to find a box of tissues he knows he's going to need later. Does anyone else want to smack Frank about now, or is that just me?
Ali heads to Frank's, in an off the shoulder shirt. Look, even Jenniferl Beals has had enough of the flashdance look. Anyways, she tells us that Frank makes her happy. Uh, not today. She's excited about taking him sailing. Cancel that. She hugs Frank and is oblivious. He drops the "we need to talk" bomb, and Ali quickly realizes that something wicked this way comes. I'm back to wanting to smack Frank. He's nervous. Probably because he knows she's gonna be pissed! He starts with the awesome connection, he was falling for her, BUT .......... he was being held back because of the unresolved feelings for an ex-girlfriend. Bomb dropped. He claims he went to see Nicole to get closure. But the second he saw her, he knew what he had to do. He tells her she is perfect in everyway, but the "click" with Nicole beats all that. The flower in Ali's hair begins to wilt. She throws it down. She should have thrown it at Frank. She chews him out because she did all this reassuring and never ONCE mentioned he could dump her for someone else. She handled this way better than I would have. I still want to smack him. He babbles some more. She calls him selfish, and reminds him how she gave up everything to be here. He says he did too, and she says "apparently not everything". OOOOH. Burn. A couple of bleeps and she tosses down her flip flops. She tells him to leave so she can deal with this. Bring in Chris Harrison. They hug good bye. This would be a great time to knee him in the crotch. But she wanders down the beach and finds Chris Harrison, and they have matching blue shirts.
Frank tells us how bad he feels. But he knows he loves Nicole.
Ali cries to Harrison. She has given up her whole freaking life.... She's really, really mad at Frank.
Frank feels horrible. And he takes his back pack and goes home, and hopes one day Ali will forgive him. I hope his glasses are in there, because apparently he has lost those.
Ali cries some more to Chris Harrison and she wonders why this happens to her. He sends her back to her room. He's gonna have room service bring some comfort food and a big fat bottle of wine.
Ali continues to bash Frank. (he deserved it) and she cries some more. Damn, I feel really bad for her. But hey, you have Plan B & C. My Plan B is a bottle of wine and snuggle time on the couch with my dog Boomer. Which is what I'm doing right now. Ah, I love my Plan B.
Back to Tahiti. Ali is wearing a purple tent. She talks about Frank's blindside. She needs to make sure Roberto and Chris want to be here and will COMMIT. Not be committed to someone else. She talks it out with Chris Harrison and says the pity party is over, Frank was the wrong guy for her, she wouldn't take him back, even if he came back and said he was sorry! Take that! She has high hopes that either Chris or Roberto could be her future husband. Harrison agrees, and hopes like hell that it works out, especially after that disaster that was Jake and Vienna.
She hopes both guys accept their roses. Look, they both said they were falling in love with you despite that stupid laugh of yours. I like your chances.
Chris and Roberto are brought in and wonder where the hell Frank is. Harrison says, yep, it's true. No Frank, but Ali will tell you why. They really wonder why she's wearing a purple and white tent. She tells them that he has things at home he didn't deal with, and now has gone home to deal with it. She says Frank wasn't the guy for her, but you two, both have the qualities of someone she wants to be with them. So if you take this rose, you better freaking mean it when you accept it! Chris gets the first rose. Roberto gets the 2nd one. They giggle, and for some reason, doesn't seem awkward. But it is. She tells the guys they are going to Bora Bora, where her family is going to be and they will meet family. Cheers.
Next week - the men tell all. Douchebag Craig, Crazy Train Kasey, the weatherman, and Rated-R. Hmmm, no mention of Frank.....
Until next week!
Rules for the Bachelorette! (plus tonight's wine and cheese!
Okay, Bachelorette (and drinking) fans. We are down to 3 guys, and in for some major drama.
Here are our key words for tonight. Feel free to kiss the cup instead of overindulging (LeAnn)
Drink every time Frank says "I'm sorry"
Drink if Roberto or Chris bring up "being in love"
Drink if Ali says "I can't believe ... (this is happening, etc,) "
Preview of tonight's cheese - Mobay Cheese made here in the good ole USA, in Wisconsin. Brief description: Half is goat milk cheese, half is sheep milk cheese, divided by an edible layer of grape vine ash. I think I'll have this with some bread and grapes. And then for cooking, will butterfly a chicken breast, grill it, add a slice of the cheese, fold it over and melt. We'll see how that turns out!
Preview of tonight's wine - A french Pinot Blanc. This is the only French wine that is called by it's grape instead of the region. There are also American pinot blancs. I had this wine for the first time a few years ago at a wine tasting in Paris. And yes, our host was a snooty, French guy. However, wine was fantastic!
Here are our key words for tonight. Feel free to kiss the cup instead of overindulging (LeAnn)
Drink every time Frank says "I'm sorry"
Drink if Roberto or Chris bring up "being in love"
Drink if Ali says "I can't believe ... (this is happening, etc,) "
Preview of tonight's cheese - Mobay Cheese made here in the good ole USA, in Wisconsin. Brief description: Half is goat milk cheese, half is sheep milk cheese, divided by an edible layer of grape vine ash. I think I'll have this with some bread and grapes. And then for cooking, will butterfly a chicken breast, grill it, add a slice of the cheese, fold it over and melt. We'll see how that turns out!
Preview of tonight's wine - A french Pinot Blanc. This is the only French wine that is called by it's grape instead of the region. There are also American pinot blancs. I had this wine for the first time a few years ago at a wine tasting in Paris. And yes, our host was a snooty, French guy. However, wine was fantastic!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Baseball pants, basements, bracelets and Frank
First up, let's talk cheese and wine. This week's cheese - manchego!
From a cooking website:
Manchego is a popular, rich, creamy sheep's milk cheese that comes from the La Mancha region of Spain. The Manchego sheep graze on the shrubs of the vast plateaus of the Dahesa and produce a thick milk that gives the cheese its unique character.
Manchego is also ideal for grilling.
So, grilling, you say. Here is what I have come up with this week. Prosciutto, manchego, avocado grilled sandwich, and one with a grilled portabella mushroom.
Wine that goes with manchego - sauvingon blanc, or Cabernet. Gee, gotta try both then, darn.
But since I'm the one drinking it - let ME tell you what I like about it, first, it's wine :-)
2nd, the SB, went best w/the one w/avocado. And this Sauvingon was fruity, w/o being overbearing - label is John Cott, it's a California wine.
The Cabernet - went perfect w/just manchego, but especially the pannini w/the portabella mushroom. It was very bold. Remember, with portabella mushrooms, as they are cooked, they start tasting very meaty. I always prefer them with red wine.
Label for the red wine is Paso Creek.
Now, on to our train wreck =
First home town date is with Dinero. I mean, Roberto. OMG. 2 words. Baseball pants. Then he gives Ali a bat. I want to hit her with it, because she doesn't put her hands together on the bat. Okay, I get it, some girls don't grow up playing sports like I did. But dammit, if you have ever been to ANY baseball game in your life, you might have noticed how they hold the damn bat. I won't tell you. If you really need to know how to hold a bat, email me. I'll explain it to you.
Someone asks Ali why she gave him the first impression rose.
Ali - It was a feeling.
Me - That's all you got? Here is your chance to score major points by telling these people how wonderful Roberto is.
Ali - It was just a feeling.
Me - He danced, he smiled, he was DINERO, baby!
Ali - It was a feeling I had.
Me - Sigh.
His mom looks about as old as I am. Oh, wait. She probably is. Papi asks the hardest questions, but is ready to accept la rubia as his daughter in law. Y despues, bailamos - let me translate for you and Ali, now we dance......
He is still the front runner, and with those dimples and that ass, I see why.
On to Cape Cod Chris.
He meets her on the New England beach, with a lab. How cliche. But I do like dogs. It's raining, and that's a good thing, because Ali hasn't bothered to brush her hair. She is wearing a pair of kicky boots, and I remember those suede boots from Jake's season. The ones she was wearing when they ran in the ocean. She refuses to run in the ocean and ruin another pair as the dog runs around and Chris comes up with this great line:
Cape Cod Chris - Out there somewhere in the dark sea, whales are having sex.
Me - Work on your pick up lines.
They go and meet his family - dad, 2 brothers, and their wives. But first, she sees pictures of all of them, and the deceased mom. Is it sad that out of that home visit, I see how much the dad still misses the mom???? Dad was really great.
They drink wine, everyone loves everyone. They all admire their "Dennis bracelets". Okay, I understand a guy named Dennis makes them. But still an odd name for bracelets.
She and Chris go to his tower (is that a Massachusetts thing?) and they make out.
Ali takes her ratty ponytail,stupid laugh and Dennis bracelet and says good bye to New England.
Look - if you are going to have extensions. Fine, Just brush them!
All in all, nice family, and they had a good time drinking wine. Dammit, I would fit in well with those people!
Now on to loonyville - I mean Kirk's hometown. First off, in terms of craziness, I really thought Crazy Train Kasey would have likely taken that title. Alas, he is gone. So we are left with "the taxidermist, I ain't talkin' to my ex, now I am married to a male impersonator, and I like to invite people to my basement", parent......
Oh, Kirk's dad. You started out so weird, and yet ended up ALMOST normal.
Kirk's Dad - Would you like to see my basement?
Me - Uh, I almost expected "would you like some candy, little girl?"
So they visit the basement, and there are dead things. Lots of dead things, however, no dead people, at least that we see. Okay, he's a taxidermist, we get it.
Kirk's step mom - "You have to use your heart and your head, that's how your dad picked me"
Me - He used his head, and yet he still picked you?
Kirk gets love advice from the 8 year old sister. She agrees, Kirk and Ali should get married. Ah, if it just were that easy.
On to part 2 of his date, time to meet the mom, sister and grandma. On the boring side, so I'll sum it up, they talked about him being sick again. Well, I bet that "I don't talk to my ex" thing was a real pain in the ass when having a kid that was that sick. I wonder if holidays are scheduled. 11am - Mom's house, 1:30pm - Dad and trannie's house......
Kirk is in love, but sorry, Ali ain't feeling it. I wonder now if she's wishing she had kept Big Ears instead of Kirk.
Now, we have saved the best for last. Neurotic time. Our favorite screenplay writer - Frankespeare. I'm sure he'll worry and whine about, well, everything.
Ali meets him on the Navy Pier. Really, you have the entire fabulous city of Chicago and you go with the Navy Pier?????
And Frank, what in the hell are you wearing? A low-cut wife beater, and my sweater from 1985?
Frank begins with the usual "what if you don't pick me" whining. Okay, I'm ready to bitch slap you myself! They take a ride on the a boat, drink beer and take pictures. As an expert on taking pictures, you actually have to hold the camera and click as you are pointing at your subject. None of those pictures came out. Trust me.
Now meet, Debbie and Frank, his landlords. I mean, parents. The sisters are there too, but I don't think they actually live with mom and dad.....
Frank tells his worries to his sisters while Ali chats with his mom.
Frank - What if this seems so awesome now, but turns out like all the others?
Me - OMG, you might actually "break up". Yes, Frank that could happen. Ask Jake and Vienna. Actually, everyone who has been on the show except for the golden couple. Ryan and Trista.
Ali leaves and feels confident about Frank. Of course since we see the previews of next week, we all know better.
Rose ceremony time. Ali is wearing a dress that is the color of pepto-bismal. And flowers on her bosom. My 1985 prom dress had flowers just like that too!
She meets up with her BFF, Chris Harrison. He gives her a Prozac, tells her he knows she's gonna boot Kirk and makes her cry.
The rose ceremony goes down as predicted, and poor Kirk goes home. Hey, at least you don't have mold sickness anymore. Just do NOT go down in your dad's basement. Who knows what you'll get down there!
Ali tells them remaining 3, "things get a lot more intense next week" meaning, time to "get busy, wink, wink" as they travel to Tahiti!
Me - don't pull and "Ed" and have launching issues.
Previews for next week show, we have Frank with another girl and telling Ali that dreaded. "We need to talk".
Final cheesy point - When making paninis with manchego, it goes melt great, but did take longer than expected. Just so you know....
Wine tip - Paso Creek - Big Cabernet. Highly recommend it!
From a cooking website:
Manchego is a popular, rich, creamy sheep's milk cheese that comes from the La Mancha region of Spain. The Manchego sheep graze on the shrubs of the vast plateaus of the Dahesa and produce a thick milk that gives the cheese its unique character.
Manchego is also ideal for grilling.
So, grilling, you say. Here is what I have come up with this week. Prosciutto, manchego, avocado grilled sandwich, and one with a grilled portabella mushroom.
Wine that goes with manchego - sauvingon blanc, or Cabernet. Gee, gotta try both then, darn.
But since I'm the one drinking it - let ME tell you what I like about it, first, it's wine :-)
2nd, the SB, went best w/the one w/avocado. And this Sauvingon was fruity, w/o being overbearing - label is John Cott, it's a California wine.
The Cabernet - went perfect w/just manchego, but especially the pannini w/the portabella mushroom. It was very bold. Remember, with portabella mushrooms, as they are cooked, they start tasting very meaty. I always prefer them with red wine.
Label for the red wine is Paso Creek.
Now, on to our train wreck =
First home town date is with Dinero. I mean, Roberto. OMG. 2 words. Baseball pants. Then he gives Ali a bat. I want to hit her with it, because she doesn't put her hands together on the bat. Okay, I get it, some girls don't grow up playing sports like I did. But dammit, if you have ever been to ANY baseball game in your life, you might have noticed how they hold the damn bat. I won't tell you. If you really need to know how to hold a bat, email me. I'll explain it to you.
Someone asks Ali why she gave him the first impression rose.
Ali - It was a feeling.
Me - That's all you got? Here is your chance to score major points by telling these people how wonderful Roberto is.
Ali - It was just a feeling.
Me - He danced, he smiled, he was DINERO, baby!
Ali - It was a feeling I had.
Me - Sigh.
His mom looks about as old as I am. Oh, wait. She probably is. Papi asks the hardest questions, but is ready to accept la rubia as his daughter in law. Y despues, bailamos - let me translate for you and Ali, now we dance......
He is still the front runner, and with those dimples and that ass, I see why.
On to Cape Cod Chris.
He meets her on the New England beach, with a lab. How cliche. But I do like dogs. It's raining, and that's a good thing, because Ali hasn't bothered to brush her hair. She is wearing a pair of kicky boots, and I remember those suede boots from Jake's season. The ones she was wearing when they ran in the ocean. She refuses to run in the ocean and ruin another pair as the dog runs around and Chris comes up with this great line:
Cape Cod Chris - Out there somewhere in the dark sea, whales are having sex.
Me - Work on your pick up lines.
They go and meet his family - dad, 2 brothers, and their wives. But first, she sees pictures of all of them, and the deceased mom. Is it sad that out of that home visit, I see how much the dad still misses the mom???? Dad was really great.
They drink wine, everyone loves everyone. They all admire their "Dennis bracelets". Okay, I understand a guy named Dennis makes them. But still an odd name for bracelets.
She and Chris go to his tower (is that a Massachusetts thing?) and they make out.
Ali takes her ratty ponytail,stupid laugh and Dennis bracelet and says good bye to New England.
Look - if you are going to have extensions. Fine, Just brush them!
All in all, nice family, and they had a good time drinking wine. Dammit, I would fit in well with those people!
Now on to loonyville - I mean Kirk's hometown. First off, in terms of craziness, I really thought Crazy Train Kasey would have likely taken that title. Alas, he is gone. So we are left with "the taxidermist, I ain't talkin' to my ex, now I am married to a male impersonator, and I like to invite people to my basement", parent......
Oh, Kirk's dad. You started out so weird, and yet ended up ALMOST normal.
Kirk's Dad - Would you like to see my basement?
Me - Uh, I almost expected "would you like some candy, little girl?"
So they visit the basement, and there are dead things. Lots of dead things, however, no dead people, at least that we see. Okay, he's a taxidermist, we get it.
Kirk's step mom - "You have to use your heart and your head, that's how your dad picked me"
Me - He used his head, and yet he still picked you?
Kirk gets love advice from the 8 year old sister. She agrees, Kirk and Ali should get married. Ah, if it just were that easy.
On to part 2 of his date, time to meet the mom, sister and grandma. On the boring side, so I'll sum it up, they talked about him being sick again. Well, I bet that "I don't talk to my ex" thing was a real pain in the ass when having a kid that was that sick. I wonder if holidays are scheduled. 11am - Mom's house, 1:30pm - Dad and trannie's house......
Kirk is in love, but sorry, Ali ain't feeling it. I wonder now if she's wishing she had kept Big Ears instead of Kirk.
Now, we have saved the best for last. Neurotic time. Our favorite screenplay writer - Frankespeare. I'm sure he'll worry and whine about, well, everything.
Ali meets him on the Navy Pier. Really, you have the entire fabulous city of Chicago and you go with the Navy Pier?????
And Frank, what in the hell are you wearing? A low-cut wife beater, and my sweater from 1985?
Frank begins with the usual "what if you don't pick me" whining. Okay, I'm ready to bitch slap you myself! They take a ride on the a boat, drink beer and take pictures. As an expert on taking pictures, you actually have to hold the camera and click as you are pointing at your subject. None of those pictures came out. Trust me.
Now meet, Debbie and Frank, his landlords. I mean, parents. The sisters are there too, but I don't think they actually live with mom and dad.....
Frank tells his worries to his sisters while Ali chats with his mom.
Frank - What if this seems so awesome now, but turns out like all the others?
Me - OMG, you might actually "break up". Yes, Frank that could happen. Ask Jake and Vienna. Actually, everyone who has been on the show except for the golden couple. Ryan and Trista.
Ali leaves and feels confident about Frank. Of course since we see the previews of next week, we all know better.
Rose ceremony time. Ali is wearing a dress that is the color of pepto-bismal. And flowers on her bosom. My 1985 prom dress had flowers just like that too!
She meets up with her BFF, Chris Harrison. He gives her a Prozac, tells her he knows she's gonna boot Kirk and makes her cry.
The rose ceremony goes down as predicted, and poor Kirk goes home. Hey, at least you don't have mold sickness anymore. Just do NOT go down in your dad's basement. Who knows what you'll get down there!
Ali tells them remaining 3, "things get a lot more intense next week" meaning, time to "get busy, wink, wink" as they travel to Tahiti!
Me - don't pull and "Ed" and have launching issues.
Previews for next week show, we have Frank with another girl and telling Ali that dreaded. "We need to talk".
Final cheesy point - When making paninis with manchego, it goes melt great, but did take longer than expected. Just so you know....
Wine tip - Paso Creek - Big Cabernet. Highly recommend it!
Rules for The Bachelorette - July 12th
First off, if you are new to this game, welcome!
If you enjoy drinking and The Bachelorette - here is this week's game.
Drink if someone says the following words:
"Family"
"Feelings"
"Absolutely"
Now rememember - don't drink and drive, but I assume that since you are watching The Bachelorette, you are at home. Hey, and don't feel the need to drink on all of them, some of us are "professionals" and I don't want you to feel pressured to keep up! Have fun. Now for the train wreck that is The Bachelorette........
If you enjoy drinking and The Bachelorette - here is this week's game.
Drink if someone says the following words:
"Family"
"Feelings"
"Absolutely"
Now rememember - don't drink and drive, but I assume that since you are watching The Bachelorette, you are at home. Hey, and don't feel the need to drink on all of them, some of us are "professionals" and I don't want you to feel pressured to keep up! Have fun. Now for the train wreck that is The Bachelorette........
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Lisbon, let downs and Liars
This will be a blog that starts off with my thoughts on some wine and cheese, and then on to the Bachelorette.
Tonight's Cheese - Asiago and Parmesan. Put on small pieces of bread and broil. Viola! Add Sauvingon Blanc (label Angeline) Bonus info at the end of my blog.
It's time for the last remaining trip before we head back to the states for home town dates. Our last remaining guys are Ty, Chris, Kirk, Roberto and Frank. My money is on Kirk going home.
Off to Lisbon we go. And wow! That place is beautiful. Put it on the list of places I should go.
The guys come strolling up the street in Lisbon to meet up with Chris Harrison. He gives them the date breakdown and announces that none of the dates have roses. WHAT? No pressure?
The guys then move into their fab hotel. I'd like to stay there, please.
First date, is for Dinero. I mean, Roberto. "Come be the King of my Castle".
Cape Cod Chris - "I wanted that date, I want to be Ali's king, more than Roberto.
Me - Glad you like Ali more than Roberto. Snort.
Ali appears, and her tank top is cute, and her skirt is cute. Except for the fact that they don't match each other. Actually, that skirt is really cute. I wonder where she got it. Ooops. I digress.
She and Roberto are off on their date. Uh, is that a man purse he is carrying? They then take pictures of themselves jumping up and down. I prefer self-portraits myself.
Ali - "This is so awesome. This is what it would be like all the time if we were together."
Me - So you would take pictures of each other jumping up and down? One I'd have soooo many other ideas for Roberto. Two, WHO WOULD PAY THE BILLS? Ooops, getting sidetracked again.
Now they dance in the middle of the street and she says it's like a fairy tale. Uh, it is a fairy tale. You are in Lisbon, dating 5 guys, and all your dates are set up and paid for. But damn, that skirt is really cute. I want one.
They ride on a trolley and make out. I'd make out with Roberto too. Again, digressing.
Back to the dude lair, Frank is waxing poetic again, and the next date card arrives. Kirk, your shirt is ugly. The 2 on 1 date is Ty and Frank. Oh, dear God. Frank waxes poetic some more, and whines about not having a solo date.
Back to the date with Roberto, they go in a castle and have wine. Ali tells Roberto she can't cook. They talk about the possibility of a home down date. Uh, really. We all know better, he's DINERO, for God's sake! He will be sticking around. Ali says she needs to figure him out. Oh, I have him figured out. He's too hot for you. There.
Now it's time for the 2 on 1 date. So much for that fear of flying. The 3 board the helicopter and Frank's shirt looks like a tablecloth. Both guys tell the camera it will be awkward.
Ty - It will be weird.
Me - No duh.
I just noticed Ty's shirt. Someone give that man a guitar and a stage. Oh wait, he's all ready got the guitar.
They arrive at some destination where Ali is supposed to tell them the history of the place. But she forgot, besides, there is wine waiting for them!
Dinner starts and the awkwardness continues. They giggle, it gets quiet, both guys says they wish the other would go. Ali then takes charge and decides to take Ty for some alone time. Frank gets the wine, and Ty has to go to what appears to be the back of the castle. Of course, all I can think is BIG EARS.
Ty again tells her he really understands now that women CAN work if they want to. He tells her it would be good and "AWWWWW-SOME". Well, he is from the south.
Back to the dude lair, it's the next date card, and it's for Kirk. The clue is "Once Upon a Time". Kirk seems confused and the other guys explain it's a fairy tale. Damn, where is that Disney Princess, Tenley when you need her?
Back to the 2 on 1 date, and it's now Frank's turn for his alone time.
Frank - "My parents are sure gonna love you, at least I really hope they do.
Ali - Stupid giggle.
Frank - "Interestingly, something that brought my family closer together, well, I blew all my money in Paris, and I had to come back and crash at the folks' house!"
Me - Does your mom do your laundry, I lived at home for a few years (hey, I was way under 30, and it was so I could save up and buy my own house) and my mom did NOT do my laundry!
Ali - Blank stare. Then "AWWWWW" again, like she just received the cutest little puppy.
Then they sit in a tree and make out. Hey, maybe they'll do that on his home town date. You know, if his parents don't allow him to have girls in his room.
Awkward 2 on 1 date is awkward. Summary - Ty says she can have a career. Frank has no career. Unless he manages to sell a screen play for millions of dollars.
Time for Kirk's date. Damn, another ugly shirt. Come on, guys!
Hey, those are some really tall glasses of beer. I have a thing for beer, and glasses. Yes, I would try and steal those glasses. Oh, now they ride in a horse drawn carriage. And they have wine. Damn, all that free booze. I really need to go on this show! I digress. The carriage takes them to, surprise, a castle!
Kirk - "I'm not used to places like this"
Me - What, you don't visit castles on all your dates? Eye roll.
Ali looks sad. Kirk talks. Ali looks sad. Kirk talks, Ali talks. She's worried and stressed.
Tonight's Cheese - Asiago and Parmesan. Put on small pieces of bread and broil. Viola! Add Sauvingon Blanc (label Angeline) Bonus info at the end of my blog.
It's time for the last remaining trip before we head back to the states for home town dates. Our last remaining guys are Ty, Chris, Kirk, Roberto and Frank. My money is on Kirk going home.
Off to Lisbon we go. And wow! That place is beautiful. Put it on the list of places I should go.
The guys come strolling up the street in Lisbon to meet up with Chris Harrison. He gives them the date breakdown and announces that none of the dates have roses. WHAT? No pressure?
The guys then move into their fab hotel. I'd like to stay there, please.
First date, is for Dinero. I mean, Roberto. "Come be the King of my Castle".
Cape Cod Chris - "I wanted that date, I want to be Ali's king, more than Roberto.
Me - Glad you like Ali more than Roberto. Snort.
Ali appears, and her tank top is cute, and her skirt is cute. Except for the fact that they don't match each other. Actually, that skirt is really cute. I wonder where she got it. Ooops. I digress.
She and Roberto are off on their date. Uh, is that a man purse he is carrying? They then take pictures of themselves jumping up and down. I prefer self-portraits myself.
Ali - "This is so awesome. This is what it would be like all the time if we were together."
Me - So you would take pictures of each other jumping up and down? One I'd have soooo many other ideas for Roberto. Two, WHO WOULD PAY THE BILLS? Ooops, getting sidetracked again.
Now they dance in the middle of the street and she says it's like a fairy tale. Uh, it is a fairy tale. You are in Lisbon, dating 5 guys, and all your dates are set up and paid for. But damn, that skirt is really cute. I want one.
They ride on a trolley and make out. I'd make out with Roberto too. Again, digressing.
Back to the dude lair, Frank is waxing poetic again, and the next date card arrives. Kirk, your shirt is ugly. The 2 on 1 date is Ty and Frank. Oh, dear God. Frank waxes poetic some more, and whines about not having a solo date.
Back to the date with Roberto, they go in a castle and have wine. Ali tells Roberto she can't cook. They talk about the possibility of a home down date. Uh, really. We all know better, he's DINERO, for God's sake! He will be sticking around. Ali says she needs to figure him out. Oh, I have him figured out. He's too hot for you. There.
Now it's time for the 2 on 1 date. So much for that fear of flying. The 3 board the helicopter and Frank's shirt looks like a tablecloth. Both guys tell the camera it will be awkward.
Ty - It will be weird.
Me - No duh.
I just noticed Ty's shirt. Someone give that man a guitar and a stage. Oh wait, he's all ready got the guitar.
They arrive at some destination where Ali is supposed to tell them the history of the place. But she forgot, besides, there is wine waiting for them!
Dinner starts and the awkwardness continues. They giggle, it gets quiet, both guys says they wish the other would go. Ali then takes charge and decides to take Ty for some alone time. Frank gets the wine, and Ty has to go to what appears to be the back of the castle. Of course, all I can think is BIG EARS.
Ty again tells her he really understands now that women CAN work if they want to. He tells her it would be good and "AWWWWW-SOME". Well, he is from the south.
Back to the dude lair, it's the next date card, and it's for Kirk. The clue is "Once Upon a Time". Kirk seems confused and the other guys explain it's a fairy tale. Damn, where is that Disney Princess, Tenley when you need her?
Back to the 2 on 1 date, and it's now Frank's turn for his alone time.
Frank - "My parents are sure gonna love you, at least I really hope they do.
Ali - Stupid giggle.
Frank - "Interestingly, something that brought my family closer together, well, I blew all my money in Paris, and I had to come back and crash at the folks' house!"
Me - Does your mom do your laundry, I lived at home for a few years (hey, I was way under 30, and it was so I could save up and buy my own house) and my mom did NOT do my laundry!
Ali - Blank stare. Then "AWWWWW" again, like she just received the cutest little puppy.
Then they sit in a tree and make out. Hey, maybe they'll do that on his home town date. You know, if his parents don't allow him to have girls in his room.
Awkward 2 on 1 date is awkward. Summary - Ty says she can have a career. Frank has no career. Unless he manages to sell a screen play for millions of dollars.
Time for Kirk's date. Damn, another ugly shirt. Come on, guys!
Hey, those are some really tall glasses of beer. I have a thing for beer, and glasses. Yes, I would try and steal those glasses. Oh, now they ride in a horse drawn carriage. And they have wine. Damn, all that free booze. I really need to go on this show! I digress. The carriage takes them to, surprise, a castle!
Kirk - "I'm not used to places like this"
Me - What, you don't visit castles on all your dates? Eye roll.
Ali looks sad. Kirk talks. Ali looks sad. Kirk talks, Ali talks. She's worried and stressed.
Ali - "THIS IS SOME SERIOUS SHIT, I'M ABOUT TO MEET SOME PARENTS."
Me - Can't wait for that, looks like someone has a kooky dad.
Now it's time for rooftop dining. Ah, yes, another very "common" date.
Let me sum up their conversation - they both deserve good things in their life. Then they make out. Oh, my money was on Kirk going home. I might be wrong.
They end the date being serenaded in Portuguese. They make out some more. Damn, I was wrong, he's not going home.
In the mean time, Cape Cod Chris has received his date card. They begin their date on a scooter. And at least his shirt isn't as ugly as Kirk's or Frank's. Ali is concerned their relationship might be moving too slow. Uh oh, better step it up Cape Cod Chris.
They get on a scooter, and he drives. Slow, like my mom. (sorry, mom, you do drive slow) He's worried he'll be known as the guy who kills the Bachelorette. Well, not at that speed!
Let me sum up another one for you - he's not a good scooter driver.
Ali - "Okay, you are going too slow, let me drive."
Me - Hey, I tell my mom the same thing!
Ali takes off on the scooter like a bat outta hell. She's on the wrong side of the road! Okay, that's better.
Ali - "Wooohooooo, look at the ocean!"
Chris - "Keep your eyes on the road, and slow down!"
My mom - That's what I tell Kay all the time too (and that she drives like her dad)
They stop for a break and discuss his family, again. He has all brothers. OMG, she wants all boys when she has kids. She feels his walls are coming down, but what if it's too late. Girl, he is cute, just pick him!
She lets him drive the scooter to the next destination. I guess there wasn't a time limit on the rental. They go to a winery. OH YOU KNOW THAT IS MY PLACE. His family likes wine. Hey, so does mine! They should bring his dad some from Portugal. They discuss "opening up" again.
Cape Cod Chris gives her a bracelet. A family friend makes jewelry and he's had it since the beginning of the show, buy he had to make sure he liked her enough to give it to her. Well, played Chris, well played.
Rose ceremony time.
OMG - Ugliest dress ever for the rose ceremony.
And damn, I miss the cocktail parties. Okay, let's get down to it.
Chris Harrison - "The last 4 standing will take Ali home to meet the families. The one loser will get a ride to the airport. SEE YA".
Me - Damn, that dress is still ugly.
She picks - Chris, Frank, Roberto, and then Kirk.
I was wrong. Ty goes, Kirk stays. Looks like it's Kirk with the kooky dad.
She walks Ty outside in the rain. How dramatic. Except they either have up really big umbrellas or tarps, because they aren't getting soaked. Bet the interns are.
Ali pouts, and then pouts some more.
Ty - "It would really be nice to have someone to share stuff with"
Me - If that was your only requirement, you wouldn't have gotten divorced! And I have mentioned Ali's dress is ugly? And enough with the pouting, Ali, you still have 4 dudes.
Now it's time for the Jake and Vienna show down. In this corner, we have an enhanced former Hooter's waitress. In the other corner, we have a smug, douchebag pilot.
Chris Harrison - "Dude, you really f'd this up!"
Jake - "It's all Vienna's fault."
Chris - "Come on out Vienna."
Awkwardness.
Chris - "Dude, you two really f'd this up!"
Vienna - "It's all his fault, after a month he started being a real jerk."
Chris - "why did you go to the tabloids?"
Vienna - "Uh, we got together on a TV show."
Me - True dat.
Jake - "You sold me out, and you are a big fat liar."
Vienna - "You said you were a pilot, and now you want to be an actor."
Jake - "As a matter of fact, I flew last weekend."
Me - You said that in the most condscending, jerk off manner. It was at this point, I decided I wanted to punch him in the face and drop him in the nearest bottomless well, along with Kate and Jon Gosselin. I never thought I'd say this, but Team Vienna.
Vienna - "Can we get a polly-a-gragh test"
Me - Sigh. It's polygraph.
Oh, Jake and Vienna. I never thought I would feel sorry for Vienna, but damn! Jake was a complete tool. Also add in condescending, smug, rude and all around jack ass. Seems to me he only pretended to be a nice guy to get his 15 minutes of fame.
But hey, Vienna has job. In L.A. of course. So let's see if she disappears from the limelight. Somehow, sadly, I don't think we've seen the last of either one of them. However, Jake, if you are trying to be an actor, I don't like your chances, 'cause you suck!
The drama continues. But I don't care. I'm done with these two. Chris tries to play marriage counselor, to no avail. Give up, dude, we all did.
I'm looking forward to next week. It has to be better than this crap!
Previews for next week - Roberto in baseball pants, YOWZZA. Kirk has the kooky dad. Chris takes her to Cape Cod. Frank waxes poetic and is having doubts!
One more cheesy piece - Chop up mushrooms and saute in butter. Put on top of toast, top with the Asiago cheese and parmesan cheese. Broil a few minutes. YUMMY!
One more wine tip - Screwcaps are okay, at least that is what I keep telling myself.
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