"A" is for Amazing, and "B" is for Boring!

I think the title is self-explanatory - "Amazing" is this year's "Awesome". And Ashley is a tad on the boring side. Bring back Allie and her kicking some Rated-R Ass! I never thought I would say that!

The show opens with the preview - we are going to Vegas, a wedding chapel, dancing, the masked guy and douchebag Bentley.

Chris Harrison comes in and explains the one on one date, group date, blah blah, we all know the rules. Pack your bags, group date rose, just don't get drink every time she says "Amazing" you should be good.

William gets the first one on one date to Vegas. Masked man and Ben F. are bummed, and William hopes he doesn't blow it (spoiler alert - he doesn't seem to on this, one, but oh, boy, on the previews for next week) But back to this week.

Ashley drives over to the man mansion in a really cool car. I'm sure all the guys know what it is, but I am not a car person. Unless we are talking about can I drive a stick and what color it is. Insert you own dirty joke here about driving a stick.

Ashley is confident - oh, but then she's not. What if she picks someone who doesn't really like her? Oh, the foreshadowing AND the irony....

Ashley arrives in an itty-bitty white dress and leather jacket. Nice outfit, but if she doesn't stop bouncing around like Tenley, I might have to slap her.

Off to the private plane that whisks them to Vegas.

Back at the dude ranch - Masked Man talks to Gay Ames. Of course, they discuss the mask again. He's going to take it off soon. Real soon. And reveal himself. Hey, I wonder if when he takes off the mask he is REALLY Batman. Talk about ironic! Anyway - I wonder why he also has on a skull cap, because isn't it hot - and Ames points out it's 90 degrees and wouldn't he be more comfortable in a white mask. Masked man agrees and wishes he had one. I think at this point, there cannot be a more stupid conversation, but I would be wrong as Bentley talks about swimming in pee, and I tell my dogs I hope he drowns in pee.

William and Ashley arrive in Vegas. There is a lot of "I'm just a girl" shrugging and clapping. I'm sure Tenley is around here somewhere.

Now one of the worst first dates ever begins. They both later claim it's the best first date ever, but really? What guy wants to talk about getting married on the first date? And crazy guys don't count. Ashley hams it up for cakes, rings and then in the chapel. William can't decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing. She laughs some more and it annoys me. He is sure it's a joke and they get to the ceremony and he starts to get a bit nervous, I'm hoping he runs out of the door at this point, but he calls her bluff and says "I do". She laughs some more and I pour another glass of sauvingon blanc. They don't get married, but pretend they do.

The date continues, and Ashley's changes into a green 80's dress. Gorgeous color, I'm not too much on the top. Anyway, they row out to the middle of the fountains at the Bellagio for dinner. Everyone is watching from the strip, and there is more adoration from Ashley's fans.

William tells her his "my dad was an alcoholic and then was left on the side of the road beaten and he then died". I can't make fun of this one. Long story short - his watch stopped the time that he passed away and he keeps his watch on that time.

Back at the dude ranch - the next date card arrives, it's the group date. 12 guys are included, it's just easier to tell you who gets left out. Masked man, JP, Ben C, Mickey and Ryan and some other random guy.

Back at the middle of the fountains in Bellagio, Ashley gives him the "you're so fun speech" and then moves to "but, I need someone serious" and then moves to "that's you". I think that's going to be her thing, pretend she's going to say no, and then doesn't. The fountains go off, and she channels her inner Tenley and squeals and claps. Someone please give me some more wine.

Previews of the group date, Ben F says he's not going home, and Ashley begs Douchebag Bentley to stick around. Sigh.

12 guys load up their testosterone and fly to Vegas. Ashley greets them in her Ellie May shirt. Really, all she needed was the braided pig tails. The guys seem to dig it, so what do I know?

Ashley tells us today she is going test their ability to move. Oh great, dancing. All we need now is Tenley. The enter the Jaber-wocky show. She sneaks off and and joins them stage so she can dance too! Wow, I didn't see that coming. (sarcasm)

The guys are divided into 2 "crews" and have to make their own routine. Losers leave, Winners stay and perform with these Jabber-wocky dudes. This is going to be bad, as it looks like most of them have about as much rhythm as I do. One group does a rose ceremony, one does a wedding and the bride is late. The Best Men (wedding) goes first, with No Rhythm Nation (rose ceremony) talks smack. The No Rhythm Nation wins, and of course Douchebag Bentley is in the winning group. 6 guys go home, and 6 guys get to stay and dance in the show and get to have a group date with Ashley. 6 dejected guys hit a limo go to go home, and the dance troupe attempt to teach the other guys how to dance. Man, the 6 guys that go home are really whiners! Hit the bar and man up, boys.

Back to the show, and we have to hear that same song for about the 5th time. I have no idea what the song is, and frankly, don't care. I am just not into dancing, or techno pop, or rap. West is thrilled and Bentley thinks he is cool. Tenley has to be watching this and wonder why SHE didn't get her chance to dance on stage and had to settle for the "dance from her heart". Back to this show, all the guys are very impressed with Ashley. Well, all of them but that jerk-off Bentley.

So the after party begins - I assume it's on a roof. It wouldn't be the show if it wasn't. Ashley says she wants to have all one of one time, and Blake the dentist pulls her away first.

He is still boring.

West then gets his turn, tells his wife died story. Can't make fun of that either. Well, except just make sure this guy's last name isn't Peterson. (See Scott and Drew Peterson) Other than that, you should be good.

Now it's time for Bentley and his pie-hole. He is in it for the competition. Not so much for her. He does the shifty-eyed thing again. She does the clueless thing again. Then she does the pathetic thing and begs him to stay. Bentley trusts her, and she trusts him, and I have no idea why. Let me get to the point, she gives Bentley the rose, because OMG, she gave him the last rose at the first rose ceremony, and he is giving up "sooo much". Because his daughter is at home. Ah, Crazy Michelle is in Salt Lake, I'm sure she can look in on the kid.

Bentley tells the camera he wants to "bag it and go play black jack". I still can't figure out what she sees in this guy. I have to wonder, had she not been warned, would she have picked him? I have to wonder if she's thinking she is going to prove Crazy Michelle wrong and make him fall in love with her, or she is subconsciously sabotaging herself. Either way, just plain dumb.

Heads or tails. Flip a coin, pick a man. Oh, if it were only that easy for the rest of us. The coin is flipped and it will either be Mickey or JP. Luck is with Mickey and he wins the Vegas date with Ashley. JP is crushed, and Masked Man whines about not getting a date.

Ashley makes another Vegas-gamble reference, and that has now gotten about as old as Jake and his Leap of Faith.
Ashley and Mickey enter my idea of heaven. It's the biggest wine store I have ever seen. She even gets to ride a swing to go get the wine. Someone please take me there. And now, because I need more wine, this head or tails crap has gotten old. Ashley dishes another "amazing" and I tell the dogs to get me more wine.

Ashley admits the last time she cried was when the other girls complained about her. Yeah, I'm crying now, but because those damn dogs of mine drank the wine.

Back to the dude ranch - more guys bitching about mask guy, more shots of the mask guy and his stupid mask and stupid beanie in 90 degree weather. Masked guy says it's all about personality - hmm, there is a flaw in that when you already know what SHE looks like.

Back to the coin flipping in Vegas. Mickey and Ashley go to dinner, and surprise! (sarcasm) Ashley says "He looks AMAZING". Mickey drops an amazing on the view, and they are in a penthouse having dinner. Summary time - they eat, drink and flip a coin to see if he gets the rose. He gets it and she admits she would have given it to him anyway. Then Colbie Calliet performs a private concert for them. Yep, AMAZING. And just my observation from their dancing - either she is quite short, or he is really tall. Neither here nor there, but my observation all the same.

Now, time for the cocktail party and the rose ceremony. Dark blue suits seem to be the majority. Another random observation.

Ashley arrives in a really cute black evening gown. I will have to say, at least her taste in dresses is better than Allie's.

JP does the first "I need a minute". He's cute, and sane. He'll be around a little longer.

William gives them an imitation of some football coach. No idea of who it was. William has a rose, and they are annoyed.

Nick shows her he can line dance. You know she's a dancer, right?

William then really pissed them off by interrupting, when he already has a rose. All the guys are pissed, and Nick nicknames William "Ding Dong".

William lies through his teeth and tells her it's the most romantic date ever. He was a front runner, but he's starting to show a little of the crazy, and I predict this is the start of his downfall.

Here comes Masked guy - summary time - He is going to reveal himself. He tells her that he was married, and during that time, he almost died after a brain hemorrhage at 29. He is now divorced -but now very happy. Says his ex-wife was untruthful. And he says he is going to take off the mask. BUT WAIT. There is Matt. He needs his turn. You know, the producers totally shoved his ass out there. They want that mask around another week.

Ben C. gets his turn. He is charming, I'm sure, but I'm going with more wine trying to ignore this whole thing. William then tells Bentley and the hair dresser about his fabulous date. We find out that Bentley would rather swim in pee than plan a wedding with her. I have been really drunk before (like Tim was last week) but would never pick swimming in pee as what I would rather do. This guy is a complete douchebag. However, despite the fact that he would rather swim in pee, he gets all competitive and goes and makes his fake moves on Ashley. Bentley says the sky is the limit on his kisses. Kind of like the dumb fireworks thing Crazy Michelle does.

Bentley carries her to another room and says they won't talk, and they kiss. He then tells the camera it was great and then sucked. Someone, please cockpunch him. He even says, hey, I wish it were Emily. Ashley is concerned, I would call it completely clueless. Especially when she says she has a good radar that he's sincere and honest. If they put this douchebag on Bachelor Pad, I will not be amused. Not only is he a douchebag - talk about no personality! Well, I digress. I guess douchebag personality counts.

Chris Harrison finally comes out of his trailer and puts us out of our misery and calls for the rose ceremony. Ashley expels another Amazing. And I'm not amazed or amused.

William, Mickey and Douchebag Bentley have roses. She gives roses to the following:

West - wife died, opposite of East.

Constantine - Not the American Idol dude, and not very cute.

Ryan P - Hey! I bet he recycles and he's cute.

Ben C - New Orleans/French guy.

Nick - personal trainer/line dancing dude.

Ames/Weatherman

Lucas - All I know is that he is from Texas.

Jeff - Masked man

JP - Best of the bunch

Chris - Who?

Ben F - Winemaker...

Blake - fellow dentist.

Going home are Matt (he calls his mom, big surprise). Steven (he has a hair dryer ready to dry his tears), and some guy named Ryan.

Previews of next week - music, dancing, people cheering, then William making the worst joke ever, and Bentley being a douchebag, and Ashley crying. And Bentley is proud of himself for being first guy who fooled everyone. Yeah, like none of the gay guys did that. Jerk off.

Oh, and Masked Man vacuums. And we have to see him on the toilet again. Really?

The Man Parade - Includes a drunk, a douchebag and a drama queen.

And it's back! The Bachelorette is back. We have annoying-ass Ashley, but it's my train wreck and I'll never leave it. So, let's get started - we all know how this works.

Oh, poor Ashley, she loved, learned, got dumped and got a new hair cut and color. She's thoughtful, sad, and pensive. But wait! Now, she's happy! She's dancing like no one is watching. Well, except everyone in her class and whoever watches the show. She's a fighter, she's Rocky. YO! Adrian. (you knew that was coming)

Either way, she's ready for love. She's cute, she's perky, she's a dancing dentist.

Enough about her, let's move to the excitement for the night. The man parade.

But before the man parade starts, we get a preview of it. They are hot, hunky, and hairless. Is it just me, or did that "manscaper" from Brad's season get a hold of all those boys?

Ryan - the do-gooder. Hey, I bet he recycles. He makes some cheesy sun/heart/love reference. Then it's JP the New York construction manager. Then the over-achiever, Ames. I hate him, and I think he should hook up with the Weatherman.

Hello, it's a nice southern boy. Ben C. Oh, he even plays the piano. Now, it's another Ben. Ben F. Oh, snap. He's a winemaker. Excuse me, this one is all mine. Oh, darn. Not that cute. He has this year's "my dad died" story.

Now it's Bentley. I'll go ahead and spoil it for you. He is this year's villain. A combination of Wes, and Douchebag Craig. I'd like to punch him. His daughter's name is Cozy. Who names their kid Cozy? This douchebag.

We now move on to the Godfather - Anthony the butcher.

West, his wife died. I can't make fun of that. And then he tells the story, and I'm suspicious. Is that wrong?
William - Cell phone salesman. Seems dorky and cute. Oh, and his dad died too. This year's Cape Cod Chris, well, except it's his dad and not his mom.

It's now time to begin the Man Parade. Ashley arrives in a glittery dress (which I love). Then she talks, and I drink more wine. Chris Harrison, the host, plays love counselor. Considering the Bachelor/Bachelorette track record, he's not the best sounding board. At this point, Ashley tells us she has already been forewarned about Bad Boy Bentley. (and will now be referred to as BBB) Oh, but she's going to give him a fair chance. Sigh, fill up the wine glass, let's get to the MEN!

And the first man out of the limo is............

Ryan P. - the solar guy. And he is adorable.

Jon - He picks her up to take her to the "honeymoon" She laughs. And I am hating her laugh.

Lucas - Tall Texan drink of water.

William - The cell phone guy.

Mickey - He uses the "From all the men in America" and goes to kiss her. She's not too sure. But he is cute.
And here is Tim. We'll see a lot of him. At first I thought he was just nervous. He's a liquor distributor. We'll find out later, he drank more than he distributed.

Ben C - The New Orleans lawyer that can play the piano. Oh, and now we find out he also speaks French! And she does too, or at least understands it.

Steven, the hairstylist - who she loves his hair, and he loves hers.

Chris D. - Oh, yeah baby! Then he does a dorky white boy rap. Interesting. Good thing he's cute.

Then it's West - opposite of East. We get it.

Let me also take this time to point out he's about the 5th guy to say "I'm a hugger" and hug her. At this point, one could drink every time "hugger" is said, and they will get really plowed. I'm going to assume that is what Tim did.

Anthony arrives, does some Godfather tradition, and looks a bit like Andy Garcia. Just not as cute. Nice gold chain. He's boring.

Rob - he tells her there is a difference between him and Brad - he doesn't have any crowns. Well, if he's just like Brad, we know he is more boring than Anthony.

Overachiever Ames arrives. He gives her ballet tickets. Barf.

Matt. Another cutie. He teaches her the family handshake. She doesn't quite get it.

And then it gets weird. Jeff, the entrepreneur shows up in a mask. We are going to veer off a bit here. When I was a little girl, I loved Batman and Robin, the one with Adam West and Burt Ward. And I loved Robin and his mask. So I can see where this might SEEM like a good idea, but it's not. That's not the mask that Robin wore. That mask is so bad, that even Zorro the Gay Blade (80's George Hamilton movie) would NOT wear it, nor ask the Alcalde to wear it. But you know who would? Bunny Wigglesworth. And now that I've told that joke, that likely only my older sister will get, we'll move on. (But, Michelle, that was funny, wasn't it??)

He says he wants her to get to know all about what's inside and not his face.

The mask totally freaks out the rest of the guys. Especially Tim, well, because he's seeing at least 2 of them at this point. More on that later.

Back to the Man Parade. Ben F, the winemaker arrives with 2 glasses, and a bottle of wine. She says the wine is great, but they don't bother telling us what in the hell it is.

Frank - he winks, kisses her hand, twirls her around, picks her up, dances with her, and dips her. Dip.

Ye-ow. Another cutie. Michael. He tells her he has never been so excited to see a dentist, and might require gassing. She tells him she can gas him later inside. Insert your own 8th grade boy "gas" joke here.

Chris M. - from Canada. I can usually understand those guys - but this one. I might need a translator.

Ryan M. - does the cheerleader pose. Then pulls out a camera and takes a few self-portraits. Hey, that's my thing! He also tells her to be sure and get a shot of him and Chris Harrison. Sure, on your way out.......

J.P. - the construction manager. I'm thinking he'll go far. All he brought is his smile, and it seems to be enough.

Nick - a personal trainer. He does the high-pitched girl "hey". And he recites a dorky poem for her. I like dorky poems. So he gets a pass.

Blake - fellow dentist.

BBB - Bad Boy Bentley. Remember, I hate him. So you should too.

Constantine - not the one from American Idol. He uses pink dental floss to tie a ring around her finger. She loves it. I hate it, but I guess that's neither here nor there.

Now it's time for the cocktail party. Let the real fun begin. The Canadian says something about actually getting to meet her. Which is as confusing as his accent - didn't they do that on the way in?

Ashley enters with the 2 handed wave. She asks for honesty. Where is that shot of BBB? So all the guys think she is beautiful. Ryan, immediately "steals" her. Someone says it takes "guts and nuts", which makes me giggle. Anyway, Ryan wows Ashley. And he is easy on the eyes.

Winemaker guy, Ben F., is next. His favorite wine is Cabernet. Really? I guess at least it wasn't f'n merlot. (Sideways reference)
Matt (I think) says he's not a momma's boy, but then calls his mom, Gayle. She tells them to make sure they use protection in the fantasy suite and not to forget their moms are watching. I'm sure she means they are watching the show, but still, funny and creepy a the same time.
The Canadian guy says something I only half understand, then one of them strums a guitar. Oh, we've seen this before.

But wait, no it's not. He just tossed the guitar in the pool. It was a prop, and I give him props on that one. While the other guys weren't as amused, I sure was!

Now back to the drunk and the drama queen. And I don't mean Ashley. Tim, the drunk, doesn't like that Jeff, the drama queen has on a mask. I mean, Tim really doesn't like it. Tim, it doesn't keep him, or you from drinking, so get over it and move on. But mask dude, really?

Chris Harrison drops off the first impression rose. This is where the claws would come out, if it were a group of women. But instead of claws, one of the guys says, "the competition is pretty stiff". HA HA HA. Stiff! That's what she said.
Anyway, the jockeying continues, and Ben C. pulls out the stops with poster boards. She is amused, the guys talking to her aren't. He was born in France and speaks French, and lived in England. I bet my English brother in law would hate him.Cute salesman William gets his turn. And he does impressions. And actually is very good. Funny guy. And again, another easy on the eyes guy. I'm impressed, she's impressed, and admit, you are too.

Now speaking of impressive - I'm going with the amount of booze Tim has consumed at this point. Now, as someone who does "overindulge" sometimes herself, if you are going on national television, REMEMBER TO LIMIT YOURSELF.

Anyway, back to the show and to Tim, Ashley tries to have a conversation with him. And he tells her he is probably drunk. Probably? Dude can't even say spirits. She feels bad, but not that bad, and tells him to drink his water.

Ashley: "Aw, I feel bad, I know about wasted opportunities".
Me: HA HA HA. Wasted. HA HA HA. Yep, talk about wasted.

But instead of drinking water, he's drinking more beer. This would be good, if it were a bachelor party. But it's not. And then the mask guy comes up. And Tim wants to fight him. I don't like his chances. I don't think he could hit the broad side of a barn at this point. He then passes out snoring like a mug on the couch. I really like the blanket he has. Looks comfy. Someone get me a blanket like that next time I drink too much.

Ashley is now amused/bewildered by this. She then recruits the other guys to haul his drunk ass out of there. Just don't send the masked guy over there. That freaks him out. They throw his ass in the back of a mini-van. I'm guessing there isn't a mini-bar in the back of it.

Now, that he's gone, the mask guy, Jeff can talk to Ashley. She asks about the mask, and he says he wants to take his face about the equation, this is after he tells her she is so beautiful. So, looks don't matter? Whatever.

J.P. and his smile get a turn. He's cute.
Now it's BBB's turn. Barf. Ashley tells us a friend knows his ex-wife. Hmm, he's in Salt Lake City, I wonder if it's Crazy Michelle! Ashley then has a conversation with him, and he's shifty-eyed the whole time. And she still doesn't catch on. She makes him promise to always be honest with her. Yeah, that has really worked before.

She finally hands out the first impression rose, and it goes to Ryan P. Good choice. BBB is just mad he lost. Chris Harrison arrives and says it's time for the rose ceremony.
Time to cull the herd, let's do the short version. Tim was already sent home, whether he knows it or not. Also going home are the following: Canadian guy I can't understand. Anthony - the Godfather's butcher. Then Rob, who? He's crushed. Aren't we all? Jon, he tried to take her straight to the honeymoon. Oh well. He beside himself over it, dang, what a girl.

Then we are treated to highlights of what's to come. There is romance, kissing, love, and lots of squealing. Then there are tears. And the mask guy on the toilet. And the other guys know that BBB is a douchebag. And more tears. And I'm guessing that BBB tells her he wishes it was Emily. Her biggest fear. Yeah, none of us measure up to her.

William does more impressions. He is really funny, and cute. Pick him. And she won't.